Inside Petra's Mind

I've always been different

2010-09-28T21:29:00.003-04:00

Growing up, I always felt different from everyone else. And not necessarily in a good or bad way but just not the same. My life was very different from my peers but it wasn't just that. It was other intangible things that I couldn't define, if asked to do so, that made me different.
When my friends were going over to each others houses for parties and sleepovers, or to hang out at the mall, I was at home, taking care of my younger siblings. My Mom worked many hours and I was their main caretaker. My youngest still feels like my own (I was 17 when she was born). She often came to me first instead of my Mom whenever she needed anything. I don't regret any of this, it was just my life.
I was a sickly teen and ended up in the ER 2-3 times a year every year. I used to think that I would die before the age of 25. My asthma was really bad and the controllers they had back then were pills which caused severe side effects in me(large muscle cramps like my calves would cramp so bad that it hurt to walk/hands shaking so badly that I could barely hold a pen/rashes), so much that I couldn't take them regularly and had to depend solely on my rescue inhaler. When it failed, then the ER and nebulizer treatments and often epinephrine shots were what I had to look forward to. This also added to my feeling of isolation, like I was the only person like me in the entire world.

I think that feeling continued until I was in the US in college. I finally felt like I'd found kindred among my friends. I've always been outgoing and have had many people who call me their friends. Personally, many of them were/are merely acquaintances to me and few are what I'd call real friends. After college though, so few of them stayed in touch. I too am partly at fault for that. I tried with the ones I'd once felt so close to but they mostly pulled away from me. So in the town I pretty much call home, I made new friends. Some have drifted away from me, some I have drifted away from, and others have stuck. I like to think that it is the good ones that have stuck. Here and now, I feel less different that I did as a kid or a teen. Still different but not so much that it really matters anymore.

random nonsense

2010-09-28T20:48:00.003-04:00

I'm sick. Stayed home from work today which is a huge deal. At my job, there is a lot of pressure to go to work even if you are sick. Their policy is if you are not dying then you should come to work. My ears have been popping for nearly 2 weeks now and I felt a sore throat coming on yesterday. Woke up today, not only was my throat inflamed, but my ears hurt like crazy and I was feeling just awful. Decided not to go in, called in to tell my boss that I was sick and he didn't recognize my voice because I kinda sounded like a frog was stuck in my throat. Spent most of today resting and drinking hot tea. Going to bed soon. Have to go in tomorrow, regardless of how I feel. Hopefully I'll feel better than I did this morning.

Met this random guy at the drugstore 3 weeks ago. We got to chatting and I thought he was cute and after 15min of chatting outside said store, we exchanged numbers. I didn't have high hopes for this. 1)he's 24, 11yrs younger. 2)he told me he lived at home with his parents and 3.he refused to pay for a cell phone provider and had some odd set-up with his iPhone so he could text and make calls via internet.
Anyhoo, with all that in mind, I still thought maybe I'd find a friend to do stuff with that my current friends didn't want to do as often as me (like bowling, pool, stuff like that). I also thought if he was interested in a fling with an older woman, I could prob be into that, like I said, he was cute.
So I wait a few days (I was on my way out of town when we met)then tried to text him. I got this weird message back from verizon telling me that it was a "landline" and if I wanted to send a text to it, it would cost me 25c per text in addition to adding to my text used. That kinda upset me. I admit,I was also a little hormonal at the time and thought "f*ck this!" If he can afford a frickin iPhone and is living with his parents why can't have a regular phone like nomral people, even a pre-paid phone would have been fine. So I decided to just let it go. A week goes by and I get this text from a pc asking if I was the girl he met at the drugstore. By then, I'd calmed down enough to respond. I told him about how I'd tried to text him and about the message I got. He "lol" and said yeah, it is. We have this silly convo back and forth in which he tells me he can text from his pc through voip chat. He and I decide to meet in a week. So I'm kinda excited again and we decide on last Thurs at 6 for our meeting time at a local coffee house. Tues I get a txt from him saying he might have to work late and if it was ok with me if we met later on Thurs. So I'm flexible, so I say, "sure, I live minutes away, so I can meet later, just let me know when you're on your way." Wed evening I get another text from him telling me he's not feeling so good and if he and I could discuss whether to meet on Thurs. This weirded me out. It was like he was looking for a reason not to meet but was afraid I'd get mad or something. So I gave him an out and said "Something's come up and thurs won't work for me after all and since you might have to work late/not feeling too well, how about we postpone till next week." All the other text responses he's sent me arrive a couple hrs later. He responded right away to that one though and said, "yeah, let's do next week instead".
At this point, I don't care if I ever see him again or not or even if I hear from him again. I don't need this shit. My job is super stressful. And I just don't have time to play these kinda stupid games. Either he wants to meet or he doesn't. And if he doesn't fine, I'm not going to cry or scream at him.
Yeah, so I had decided in my mind that if he texted me and asked - so are we on for thurs at 6 at same place - I would say yes and go. If he tried to have us do the stupid texting back and forth again (which previously used 30 of my 250 texts for a freakin non-meeting) to find another time, I was out.
I got a text from him last night which said, you want to meet this week right? wtf?
So I texted him back today saying that I was home sick today and busy the rest of the week. He can take from that what he wants. I'm kinda done.

In other news, the neighbors from hell moved in above me about 3mths ago...they vacuum nearly every day. They move the freakin furniture sometimes more than once a week when they do this OCD vacuuming. They wear clogs and stomp about on the fuckin floors above me at all hours. Especially after 9pm at night. I wish they would move out. Or something, anything but continue to live above me.

I'm back...

2010-06-13T12:17:00.004-04:00

It's has been forever since I felt the need to blog. My life has changed in many ways and in others are still the same from the last time I posted a year ago...

There are moments when I am devastated that the guy I want is not interested in me. In these moments it feels like my world is shattered. It feels like the worst thing that could possibly have happened to me ever.

I know, in my rational mind. that this is not really true. At times, worse things have happened to me and others I know, in the past and present. 4 of my good friends got laid off 2 weeks ago. I was almost certain I was going to be one of them when our company announced to us they were going to lay off 10% of us. It was a terrible 2 days - which is the time it took from the moment they informed us of it to when they let go the last person and our managers gathered us and told us we'd survived the cuts.

A couple of my laid off friends have family here to help them out or have friends they rent from who are allowing to be there rent-free until they find something else. I would be up shit-creek if I was laid off. It's scary to me b/c I don't have savings. So I've resolved to take a little longer to pay off some of my debt and start saving the $200 or whatever I make at my 2nd job every month.

I do have a plan B to do something else and am currently taking an online course to facilitate this. I work a lot and still have a fairly active social life so the course is slow-going. I have to be more motivated though.

Jobs in my field are becoming more and more scarce as big pharma takes their work overseas instead of to CROs like the one I work for, and the few jobs available are for PhD's who've had management experience or for BS grads who are just out of school. I have a BS degree and nearly 8yrs of lab experience. You'd think that would count for something. But it doesn't. When they speak to you like you've just come out of college and have never worked in a lab before, you realize it means nothing.
I'm tired of working with and for socially stunted people who have to be condescending to their direct reports because that's how they were treated in grad school or how they were treated in high school when they social outcasts or whatever reason it is they act like that. None of that is my fault and I resent having to report to these people. I am not stupid. I am not dirt under their boots. The sad part is that I enjoy my job. The job in and of itself I like, but having to deal with most of these kinds of people for almost 8yrs has worn me down and out, and has made me bitter and resentful a lot of the time. I do not want to turn into the petty excuses for human beings that many of them are. I have to get out and do something else before that happens.

When I think about all the above, wanting someone who doesn't want me seems silly and almost trivial. Still, I find myself tearing up for no reason at odd times when I'm home mostly...thinking about what I could do/could have done differently. Every time time I think I'm past it, I'm fine for a few days. Then, it hits me and I feel overwhelmed by it. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I know it's not really the end of the world. But in certain moments, it sure as hell feels like it is.

in other news...

2009-07-06T23:48:00.003-04:00

...I got a bug bite and it became swollen and tender overnight. So I went to the doctor just to make sure it wasn't serious. Luckily not my primary care doc but a different one in the practice. She gave me bactrim for it. Unfortunately, by the 2nd day of taking it, my arms and legs were covered in hives. I am apparently allergic to bactrim didn't know since I had never taken it before. 5 days later, I still have hives but they are slowly going away and are much less itchy.

The great thing about this Doc is that I also mentioned in my first visit that I still had reflux problems. My primary care doc when I saw her 3 mths ago told me "I'm not giving you any more reflux meds, I think you should just exercise and watch what you eat - cut out all foods that cause problems. This is nonsense since I sometimes would go 4 days on bland food, mostly cereal, nothing spicy or fried and would still have reflux backing up into my throat. Most unpleasant sensation.
Anyhoo, the new doc ordered some blood work done - they took 3 tubes of blood 1. for l;yme disease (just in case my bite was from a tick) 2. for H.pylori (this is usually a sign of gatritis, stomach ulcer, duodenal ulcer and results in reflux) and I'm not sure why they needed the 3rd tube. When I went back to see her 2 days later because of allergic reaction/hives she told me my tests had come back positive for h.pylori infection. This is good news in a way because my regular doc almost had me thinking all my stomach issues were in my head. It was good to find out that something was wrong and that it can be treated. She has also ordered an endoscopy and they are supposed to call me with the referral.

So now I'm taking Prevpac which is the typical treatment for h.pylori. It is triple therapy which has two antibiotics(amoxicillin and clarithromycin) and one acid-reducer(prevacid). I have to take 4 pills twice a day for 14 days. but this is fine because maybe I can have a normal life like other people once this is all over and not have to constantly worry about whether I want to risk having indigestion/pain/reflux when deciding what to eat.
The main downside to these is that I have a weird taste in my mouth all the time and have been chewing gum whenever I can to alleviate it. Plus, the other unfortunate side effect is diarrhea. While it is not quite that, I have to go way more often than I would normally in a day. Also, I have to eat within 5min of taking them because the one time I didn't I felt nauseous for a long time and kept running to the bathroom feeling like I was going to throw up. But I didn't although the feeling lasted until I had some oatmeal and that seemed to settle my stomach. But if this means I can be normal again/eat normally then all of this will be worth it.

life goes on...

2009-07-06T22:25:00.004-04:00

It's been an age since I've been on here. I almost forgot how :)

Life is good. Mostly. My crush Q, yeah, I have come to the conclusion that he will never ask me out. Whenever I try to make plans, he always seems to need to make up his mind at the last minute like he's waiting for a better offer. So I've backed off a bit. I don't go visit him anymore. He's noticed and has mentioned it in a roundabout way but whatever. He has actually started coming to visit me now. Which might mean nothing. I'm fairly certain that he has placed me in the "friend" category and even if he is attracted to me, he seems to have no immediate plans to change anything.

My 4th was excruciating. the only really good part was the fireworks. However I had a 4hr wait to see them. I ended going with 2 guy friends who I've actually never hung out with on my own. Normally it is a group of 4 or 5 of us. For one thing, they found a bench to sit on and refused to go walking around. That is how I usually pass the time and it never seemed as long as it did this time. I wanted to get something to eat and they were like "oh we're fine, we'll wait here". Plus one of them, let's call him Bim, who I haven't hung with very often kept making off-color jokes. the kind of jokes I'm sure guys make with each other when no women are around. I plainly told him at least three times when he veered off into inappropriate conversation that this was not a story for mixed company i.e. when girls are around. yet, he kept going. The other guy, Bam, has a new fancy-ass camera and was going on and on about how fantastic it was, how many pictures it could take in a minute, blah, blah, blahty, blah. By the end of the evening, I wanted to stomp on his effing camera. I don't understand how anyone can be so self-centered, so self-absorbed that they don't realize that saying "my camrah is so awesome, 300 pics in 30min" 20+ effing times is not cool. Not entertaining. Makes you sound like an ass. What made all of this worse was that I had to endure it. I didn't drive, Bim did.
I have resolved to bail on on any future event that involves me having to spend time with the two of them alone ever again. Even if it means I have to pretend to be sick. That's how dire my situation was.

The crap thing about all this is that I would never have met either of them if it wasn't for my friend, Gillian, at work. Gillian works on a different site with Bim and Bam and invited them out with us a few times. Now it feels like I'm stuck knowing these people who I now believe that the universe never meant for me to meet. She actually never hangs out with them anymore. But they still call me and I feel a bit guilty about the way I feel. I feel like it would suit me fine if they never talked to me again and I never had to hang out with them again. I don't like to be mean. I try not to be intentionally/unintentionally unkind. So now I'm stuck.
Bam is sometimes almost normal but Bim seems to lack even the most basic social skills(prior to this I just thought he was quiet).

Q totally bailed on me as well. First he said he'd be out of town. Then he said he would be out of town the day before but would be back in time to hang out. Asked me to call him to let him know my plans. I told him my freaking plans Thurs when I saw him last. But fine, so I called him around 3pm just after talking to Bam on the phone because I figured he said he'd be back in time so he'd have made plans to be back before 5pm since I told him that's when I planned to leave for downtown.
Nope. I got his voice mail and left a message. Almost at the same time he was sending me a text saying he was still out of town (only 2hrs away) and if I had made plans. This made me a little bit angry. But I just texted him the same thing I had previously told him - Bam was coming by my place around 5 and we were going to take one car and go downtown. He immediately called me which is a first b/c he usu just texts. I had already told him what I was doing. I had even mentioned that I would go by myself if no one else was available - how much firmer plans could I have made than that? If he really wanted to hang out with me, he would gotten his ass back here in time. Instead he says "give me a call later, I should be back and let me know if you guys are getting dinner/drinks". So I say fine. I text him at 7pm b/c I was really having a hard time being alone with Bim and Bam. He texts me to say " oh I am kind of tired, had a few drinks, staying here tonight". WTF? I was kind of upset at first then more angry than hurt. I just have to move on from this.

I was talking to R at work and she said, guys are like that sometimes. Said her husband sometimes has no recollection of stuff she talked to him about doing. Then when it's time to get ready, he's like "where are we going?"
Personally I think that is bullshit. Plus I don't think it really applies to my situation. If something/someone is important to you, you would remember and make yourself available to be with them. We hardly have much time to talk at work.
I thought maybe he was coming around because after I started ignoring/not visiting him in his lab or cubicle. He says, we haven't had dinner in a while, we should get dinner sometime this week. And we did. And it was great, felt like progress.
Normally I'd invite him to watch baseball games with me when our (opposing) teams were playing but I had stopped doing that as well. But "watching the game" was a pretext. I know it, he knows it, because he and I spent most of the time talking and eating and barely any watching the many TVs around us. But I am always the one issuing the invite.

But I think I was wrong and that he is content for this to be it. I am not. I want to tell him how I feel so badly. I'm not yet ready to deal with the possible/inevitable consequences of doing such a thing.

Instead I made a profile on yahoo personals again. I've resolved not to message any guys at all unless they send me a message first/ice breaker which is not contradictory to their profile.
A guy recently sent me a message saying he was a widower with a daughter. He also put his email in the message (I haven't paid so that would be the only real way to contact him). Except that when I read his profile, it says he's a widower yes, but that he has a son. "son" and "daughter" are two completely different words. this leaves me wondering if a)he has several kids or b) no kids or c) is not widowed. Additionally his profile says he doesn't smoke but his "ideal" woman smokes occasionally. Why would a non-smoking man choose that option. You have the option of choosing multiple answers so if it said "non-smoker or smokes occasionally or any" it would seem way more legit to me. As it is, there are too many inconsistencies. I did email him and asked if he could clarify those things for me. I don't expect him to respond.

Work is actually better. Even though my boss' boss is the worst manager I've yet to work under, my boss and I are getting along pretty good.

updates

2008-12-09T20:09:00.006-05:00

It has been an age since I've been on here. Life is busy.
Work...
Work is blah. So I'm on a new project, in a new lab (not so new, just over 4 weeks) and it kinda feels like I'm in hell. Ok, so I'm exaggerating a bit. It just doesn't feel right. I don't recall ever feeling this out of place for so long after joining a new project. Plus I had to move to a new writing area as well and my new cubicle mate is a weirdo. Harsh but true. She is always talking but she mumbles and talks in half-whispers and most of the time I'm not sure if she is even talking to me. So now, I just ignore everything she says unless she says it twice...like blah, blah, blah (pause), Petra blah, blah, blah...then I know she means me and is not just talking out loud to herself again. She is always looking over my shoulder at my computer screen and making comments. WTF? All I need is a little alone time at lunch to eat in peace. I barely take 30min lunch most days. The other drawback of my new cubicle area is that people in nearby cubicles talk on their phones a lot and they leave their stupid ringers on (when they are not there) instead of putting the damn things on vibrate. Also, there are 9 other people sitting in cubicles further back from mine - so they and anyone who is visiting them have to walk past my area to get there. So now I pop my head phones in, Ipod on and slowly, they are getting the message to give me a little peace and keep on walking.
I miss my old lab. I miss my old cubicle area which was a corner one, not on the way to anyone else's - only 4 of us were in that area. It was bliss.
Also, there is the added annoyance of people making comments every day about the time I'm eating lunch. Like it is any of their business. I eat a mid-morning snack at 10:30 and then have lunch b/t 12:30 and 1pm most days. Somedays a little later or earlier depending on how my reactions are going in lab and whether I'm at an easy stopping point or not. I want to tell them to leave me the fuck alone. That's what I want to say. I really need to exercise b/c in my head is all this negative energy from these people. Note: every time I'm typed the word "people" I really wanted to type "fuckers". That's how I think of them in my head. I don't normally swear like that or think about random hostile comments like that but lately it's all I think.
In addition to all this nonsense, less than 15% of my reactions have worked. I know this b/c I have to create these stupid excel tables about them now - in my new project/dept. Overall, work kinda sucks now.

I can't wait to go on vacation. Only 6 more days and then 2 weeks away. I'm going to my sister in England again and my Mum and younger sisters are also making the trip. It'll be good b/c we haven't all been together for Christmas in 4 years.
I have spent more than I planned but starting in Jan I plan to eat out much less frequently and see fewer movies then put that money towards paying off my credit cards. I have been spending the extra money I'm making at my 2nd job instead of putting it towards the cards. But it's ok. I'm not panicked about it.
I just have to figure out how to pack it all :)

I went to see Trans-Siberian orchestra this past weekend and it was a fantastic show. Five of us went and I got to sit next to my current crush Q. I still haven't made any progress past him being a crush yet but I'm still hopeful...most days.

I have a cold. It was only a matter of time since everyone in my immediate working area have been coughing/sneezing/blowing their nose for the past 3 weeks. I left work early Friday b/c I felt so bad and also called out sick at my 2nd job Sat. I spent the day sleeping/eating/taking sudafed and tussin. My voice was mostly gone. Now it has progressed to a runny nose and more progressive cough. I'm hoping to be over it before I have to fly next week. My ears are popping like crazy. I hope that this doesn't become an ear infection. I'm still hoarse and for most of the day almost feel ok. As the day progressed at work, it might be that I'm getting tired sooner b/c I'm sick but I just feel like crap by 5pm. I actually left right at 5pm today.

This week is super busy. I'm finally going to see "Twilight" tomorrow night - I read the book and am excited to see Patterson play Edward.
I also have a work holiday party Thurs(we're going bowling :) then my friend and I are meeting to sample this cool new chocolate-Boc beer she bought, then I have a hair appt later that night.
Fri is when I plan to get some laundry done after work.
Sat I am working 8-4 at my 2nd job then I have 2 parties, one starts early and the other will surely end late so I think I can easily do both.

fun dinner

2008-10-22T21:10:00.004-04:00

I just came home from dinner with the new guy Q. He's not my guy. It was not a date even though he paid. I followed him to drop his car off to local dealership then I was going to drop him home. That's when he asked what my plans were for dinner and said we could get something together and it'd be his treat. In spite of the fact it was a non-date, it was very enjoyable for me. I think he had fun as well. We got a chance to talk about ourselves and our lives...stuff we normally wouldn't mention casually while we're at work. He finally mentioned the ex in passing.

I went out dancing last Sat until the wee hours of the morning (3ish) and lost my cell somewhere in the back of the taxi we came back to my apt in. This was kinda sucky but not the end of the world. My plan has been off contract since May and I was eligible for a new phone anyway. The most inconvenient thing was that all my numbers in the phone that I lost were not written down anywhere else. Plus I got this cute guy's number. I will post the story of that later...it's pretty funny. I am a really funny drunk :)

In other news

2008-09-09T22:30:00.002-04:00

I bumped into C at the grocery store tonight. This is the guy who I had a semi-crush on in college. He went ot grad school here and we met up again and hung out a few times. He promised to call and didn't. I got mad and refused to call him. Met up and hung out with him at my 5th college reunion. You know how sometimes a guy can go from cute to hot in 30sec? He totally did while we were dancing and it was memorable. Lots of kissing. Not much more than that. Promised to really keep in touch this time but didn't. I tried to invite him out to a movie through facebook but apparently his pc was down, he didn't get my message/respond to me until like 6wks later. Still, it's all bygones to me now. I'm all about Q. Still, he was a very good kisser.
So when I saw him today at the checkout I kinda smiled to myself and we chatted a bit once he was done as well. We'd actually parked directly opposite each other in the parking lot. Weird. He's looking for another job and might well be leaving the area in a couple months. We both said this time that we'd try to get together for coffee or something soon.
I'm just going to leave it. If he does manage to get in touch with me, I'll just wait and see. He can get in touch with me if he wants. He does have my number and my email, etc and is on my facebook friend list.

fit to be tied

2008-09-09T22:03:00.002-04:00

So I keep going back and forth with whether or not Q is into me. It's like when you were a kid with a flower pulling petals going - he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me. Actually mine goes more like - he totally wants me...he is so not into me...he liiikes me...he only sees me as a buddy...and so on.
I am slowly going insane sometimes with my internal dialogue.
He waited for me so we could walk to our cars together 3 times last week and we chatted for another 10min or so after we got to our cars.

Q and I went out for dinner and drinks with another friend of ours last Fri. The service sucked, they were understaffed, but what made me really upset at the time was two other things. One, said friend (SF) invited a new friend of his supposedly to eat with us. She showed up 90min late and then said she wasn't planning to eat and that she almost didn't come out at all. WTF? SF also didn't know what he wanted by the time the waiter finally made it to our table which didn't help either. So we finally got our food mostly cold 2 hrs after I'd arrived. I was not happy about either of these things. What really made me mad though was this random girl who my friend invited was chatting up Q. Right in front of my face. True, she had no way of knowing that I'm interested and therefore he is off-limits. Rationally I know this. In that moment though, I wanted to say, "step off bitch, step OFF!". Luckily I only had 1 and 1/2 beers and was in no way drunk enough to spew any of the crap going on in my anger-infused brain. Yeah, there was one other feeling. This feeling I had was somewhat alien to me. Jealousy. Pure and simple.

I really wanted to have dinner with just Q but I didn't think he'd go for that. Plus it's not part of my subtle plan. So I changed the time we were supposed to meet from 7 to 8 to accommodate SF b/c he said he couldn't meet us before 8pm. SF who managed to get there 10min before me. He had called Q and given him a lift there since they live close to each other. Nice of him, huh? Did SF call me as well so I could get there at the same them as them? No, he did not. He did call random girl though to invite her but not me.

After all this, I'd spent $29. What did this buy me? Mediocre, lukewarm food, 2 ok beers and internal anger and jealousy over some random girl I hope never to see again. She is apparently just starting grad school and she is studying a pseudo-science. I don't know what else to call it. I won't write it b/c maybe someone will be randomly googling it and find my blog. Might even be someone I know. So I guess that's all I'll be saying about that.

Anyhoo, I wasn't going to blog about Fri night. At least it wasn't my intention to do so. I guess it was still festering inside and I had to get some more of it out.

new game show

2008-09-09T21:58:00.002-04:00

My friend told me about this new game show "hole in the wall". But seriously, you have to see it to believe it. Truly ridiculous. I have several questions. How are you supposed to shape yourself into an arrow pointing right? Can the human body contort into such a shape? Doubtful. Must they wear those shiny, silver, skintight bodysuits? Could they not have come up with something waterproof (since they get dunked in a pool of green liquid when they can't contort themselves to fit the "hole" in the moving wall) that was not so...so...revealing. It's abit much really. Still, watching these peopls in those ridiculous suits get shoved into the green pool...priceless.

the word on my current crush

2008-08-27T22:05:00.003-04:00

He moved to the area recently and didn't know anyone other than a couple other people who work with us. So when he asked me what there was to do here - I invited him out to our Thurs night happy hour. He's been hanging out with us ever since. Now I have just got to figure out a way for him and I to hang out alone...without sounding like a spaz...very difficult.

My crush, let's call him Q, coincidentally has the same given name as the last guy I dated but fortunately goes by a different nick-name. Weird, I know.

He has family/friends in the Northeast but they live 3-5hrs away. He's away this weekend :( He and I have been having lots of conversations about everything. I'm trying not to act completely gaga over him since I am around my other co-workers most of the time when we talk.
The wedding I'm going to in Oct - he is also invited. I have this vague plan in my head to make a major move towards him then. That is, if nothing has progressed between us by then.

I have date tomorrow. Sort of a date - I'm meeting this guy I met online at okcupid for coffee and a walk. He's a vegetarian who loves the outdoors. I told me friend this and she laughed and said, "your exact oppositte, well I guess opposites do atract."
Yeah, I know, I have a crush and this sounds counter-productive. I'm not really on okcupid to meet guys. I like taking their silly tests and answering their stupid questions. However lots of guys feel the need to write me anyway. For some reason I'm a big hit with the 20-yr olds. I pointed out to one of them that I was 13 yrs older than him. He didn't seem to care. But I certainly do, ugh, in a word.
I also recently created a profile again on yahoo. I did this b/c I am insane. Insane, I tell you. I keep going between 2 main thoughts...
1) Q is totally interested in me and is just biding his time until he asks me out,
2) Q is not interested in me at all and only talks to me b/c I know other single people our age and he wants to meet others.
My problem with this is - aren't I enough? Why does he need to meet other people when he has already met me? Why?
Doesn't that sound like insanity to you? So to try to calm myself down and also reassure myself that I'm still desirable/guys want to date me(even if they aren't guys I actually want to date) - I created a profile again on yahoo and actually started responding to the mail I get on okcupid.

So the coffee date tomorrow...I don't really want to go but I'm going. Actually he want us to get coffee then go for a walk. I'm supposed to meet up with a friend later on so I have someplace to go if I need to cut things short.

My friend G, for some reason wants to go out tomorrow with one of the interns who worked at our company this summer. Said something about how he might have hot friends. My problem with this - he might, but they are likely barely 21. Just too young for me to contemplate in any way. I just don't get why she thinks it'd be fun to hang out with a bunch of boys who are barely out of college. Plus instead of going to our usual hangout - where I could invite Q and another buddy of ours S to meet us - they are planning to go somewhere downtown as yet undetermined. I hate half-assed plans made by others at the last minute. Yeah, so I'm supposed to be meeting them later on tomorrow night somewhere. This also means that I can't makes plans to hang with Q since I told G, I'd meet her. Can't wait till tomorrow...

I'm off to bed now. With all the hrs I've been working, I'm trying to get extra sleep, well, at least 7hrs or so per night.

movie night

2008-08-26T22:02:00.003-04:00

I went to the movies tonight and saw "House Bunny". Anna Faris has such great comedic timing. I laughed and laughed until my sides hurt at one point. For once, all the jokes were not given away in the trailer and I truly enjoyed this. I would not say it was the best movie ever and it certainly is not the worst. I have seen far worse movies than this - the Year of The Dog, for one - that did make me laugh half as much as this.

The only thing funnier I've seen this year was Don't Mess with the Zohan. I don't normally enjoy Adam Sandler's movies. They are just too much for me, too predictable for one. The Zohan was hilarious and I really laughed until I had tears in my eyes.
I don't like satire or overly predictable comedy - you know the in-your-face kind that you don't need a brain to get. Almost as if there is a laugh track. I hate those movies. I'm my own person. Just because the critics love it, doesn't sell me on a movie. I make that decision myself. After all, I know what I like way better than any critic out there.
For example, I saw "Wall-E" against my initial instincts. It got such great reviews right? My friend who saw it with me, loved it. I was so bored. The first 30 min were fine and I might have enjoyed it more if it ended at that point. I actually fell asleep during most of it and woke up at the end. This rarely happens. I see a lot of movies and I've slept through 3 of them - Wall-E, Atonement, and Scoop. I don't think Scoop was all that boring but I was exhausted and still went out to a night movie anyway when I went to see it. Atonement, two words...snooze-fest. I'm not saying it's a bad movie but just not for me - I saw it with 3 other people who loved it. And when they explained to me why I could almost see it. Almost.
I think the short film they showed before Wall-E was far more entertaining imho.

I still haven't seen the Dark Knight - just too much hype. I will see it eventually on DVD. Tropic Thunder, I will not be seeing. Why can't they get a black actor? Why does Robert Downey junior have to play a black man? I just don't get that. Pineapple Express might be funny but I'm not sure if it's my kinda funny. SO I'll wait for that on DVD as well.

Real life getting in the way of blogging

2008-08-22T20:02:00.003-04:00

I have been busy lately. In the last 10 days, I have...

- completed a large-scale multi-step synthesis and met the deadline for shipment
- completed and presented slides for said synthesis
- left work @ 3pm to catch a train to NYC
- been to a huge family wedding (250+ people) in NYC
- taken over 100 pictures of family at said wedding
- had an apple martini for the first time
- realized that 7 apple martinis + 1 cosmopolitan is more than a person my size should ever consume in 4hrs
- been violently sick from said drinks and had a sore throat for 2 days as a result
- decided not to drink apple martinis again...ever!
- played Cranium with friends and discovered that I have a knack for drawing with my eyes closed
- cleaned my turtle's tank
- went to work at my part-time job at 7am on a Sat
- been to Philadelphia for a 2-day chemistry course
- stayed 3nights in a hotel in Philly
- had 6-8 cups of tea each day to be awake for 8hrs of chemistry
- had trouble sleeping due to excessive caffeine intake during the day
- saw the Liberty Bell
- taken many touristy pictures incl. one of a giant clothes-pin in Philly :)
- eaten a fake "Philly" cheese-steak
- watched Olympics...Phelps-8 medals, Bolt-fastest man, Thompson-Silver medals in track and field for Trinidad, Nadal-first Gold medal in tennis
- did laundry
- completed 2 reactions in the 2 days since I got back from Philly Wed
- eaten a to-die-for chocolate mousse cake when my group went out for lunch today

Is it any wonder that I am exhausted. the plan for tonight is to stay in and finish a couple books I started recently.

As for my latest crush. We are friends now, we hang out. I think it is possible that he might like me too. It's difficult for me to be positive about this. It's difficult b/c no one that I've felt this way about before has liked me in the same way. He sat next to me at lunch today and that was very cool b/c it's a large group of us (12) who were at lunch so he could have sat anywhere. We left work at the same time tonight (5:30p - earliest I've left on a Fri in a long time) and we walked out together. The really cool thing is that I had said good bye to him earlier and was at my desk, shutting my computer off when he came over and said hi and then we walked out together. When we got to our cars, we stood there talking for another 20min. I have it really bad. There's just something about him that appeals to me on so many levels. It's a little scary. I'm being cool, friendly but not overtly so. I'm trying for subtle. Even though subtle is so foreign to me, I'm trying. If there is the slightest chance that this could work I want to do everything I can.
Some days, I just want to go up to him and tell him how I feel. Actually, I want to do a lot more than just tell him but that would of course not be subtle. So I'm waiting...and hoping...

random stuff update

2008-06-22T12:01:00.004-04:00

It's been an age since I felt like posting anything. Lots has been going on, some interesting, some not.

I went to a concert yesterday sponsored by a local radio station and it was a lot of fun. It was a $30 ticket for 10 bands/performers. I only really wanted to see 4 of them but we stayed through most of them from 11:30am-8pm, at which point we'd had enough sun and music. My favorites were Sum41, Ace young(yes, he is even more gorgeous than when we last saw on Idol 2 yrs ago), Simple Plan and Natasha Bedenfield. Everyone else was ok or just boring.

My friend got very burnt. I asked her the day before if she planned on wearing sunscreen and she said maybe on her face(boy was she sorry last night - she even had patches of scorched skin on her feet). I actually meant to wear some on my arms at least since I haven't been exposed to any serious sun in a long time but I forgot. My arms were burning a bit last night, especially my left one and when I looked at it last night, I could see why...

My arms are usually the color of my shoulders and even though I wear short sleeves every day, there is not normally a contrast. I did have the presence of mind to wear jeans and a hat/shades for most of the day (my friend wore sleeveless tank and shorts - not so good for her). I'd considered wearing a tank top but thought I shouldn't b/c it was supposed to be 81° and very sunny. So I was mostly covered but wished I had put some sunscreen on my arms, they are kinda itchy today. I am so not used to real sun anymore.

I am in a weird mood today. I should have gone to church, but it was rainy with lots of thunder and lightning and I didn't want to drive through that. Of course if I had gotten ready anyway, I could have gone b/c now the sun is suddenly shining and all the rain is gone. I might try to go tonight. I say that but I never seem to do so if I miss the earlier service. Sigh.

Yesterday was a fun day. The only thing that sort of marred it was another friend of ours (who didn't go to the concert with us). I was telling her about G's sunburn and mentioned that my arm was kinda warm and itchy as well. She said, why are you talking about your sunburn(as if it was preposterous for me to do so), G's is so much worse, why are even mentioning yours? Well, for one thing, you are supposed to be my friend and listen when I say something.
This girl is always thinking the worse of everything I do. I don't know why she wants to be my friend. The things she says sometimes indicate otherwise. Maybe she doesn't, but doesn't have anyone else to hang out with/who will come pick her up(since she doesn't have a car) and that's why she still says she wants to hang out. I have been feeling this way about this girl all year. She's supposed to be taking a temporary position at another site for a few months and lately I've been thinking that I can't wait till she goes. I don't think it was always this way. But it is definitely this way lately. I don't know what I did or if I did anything that's made her so passive-aggressive towards me. But you know what, I don't care anymore. I just want to have friends I can talk to who don't second guess everything I say. I feel like I need to censor the things I tell her b/c she always seems to be judging me negatively. I can't just talk or vent or anything.

I was telling her about a work colleague who gets upset whenever she makes a grammar mistake (English is not her first language). I found it amusing that she gets upset about it b/c in general her English is pretty flawless. My friend interpreted my saying and her response was "you make fun of her for making grammar mistakes, shame on you". I had to say, no, I don't make fun of her, I think it's funny that she is upset about something so minor. She started back-tracking at that moment, "oh I'm sorry I thought that". Right. I mean she misunderstood me and immediately came up with a negative interpretation of the situation. There have been many instances like that. I just don't understand where it's coming from and frankly I just want it/her to go away. I don't want to have to deal with it. It hurts my feelings and I don't need that shit. I just don't. Another favorite thing she says lately is "you don't have to defend yourself". It's like her new thing. I want to say (and have said), "I'm not defending myself, I'm just expanding on my point". I have not changed but she certainly has and I don't care for it. I don't care for it at all.

I recently got my green card(which is not really green :). This is really great for several reasons. One is that traveling will be easier b/c I won't have to get approval each time I return. Two, I can go to Canada without having to apply for a $100 visa. Three(and the one I care about most)is that with it I can get a second job which I have been considering for a while. Before I had it, I could only work legally with my work permit at my current job, no where else. With it I have more options. So I decided to get another job now that I can, part-time of course, at a local pharmacy. It is mostly cashier duty ~10-15hr a week. I've done two shifts so far and boy was I exhausted at the end of the week. What with my regular 50hr job, it was tiring. The register is fairly easy and they say I'm a natural.

I can really do with the extra cash (it pays a couple $ above minimum wage) and I can put it directly towards my credit cards. I already have pretty decent interest rates on them (10.9% is the highest one)I just want to get them paid off sooner and I think this will help a lot. I expect that I should be able to pay off most of them within a couple years or so if I put an extra $200 towards them every month. I'm planning to pay off the lower balances first. Once I do this, I can consider traveling home again. Lately, the cost is $1200/ticket. I can't afford that. I'd have to put it on a credit card. I am determined to pay them off before incurring anymore debt. I did pay for a trip in October - my friend's getting married in Vegas, but that's the last thing until I pay them off. Once I get most of them paid off, that'll be another $300-400 I could be saving instead.
Another good thing that will help is that my car loan will be paid off by next year freeing up another ~$200/mth. I can't sleep sometimes thinking about my debt. I've been so exhausted lately though that insomnia has not been an issue.

I have also not been to the gym in a while, I think I've been 2x since June began. Not enough. I've got to get back on track with that.

A new guy started a week ago and he's in my group at work and I have a crush. I feel kinda silly about it - more details later(if there are more details).

hello world

2008-05-08T19:22:00.003-04:00

This is the first time I've had internet access at home for more than 5 min in nearly 2 weeks. I can barely contain myself...my internet provider is supposed to come out on Mon to check to see if they can fix whatever is wrong.

At first I thought it was my pc acting up. So I tinkered with it a bit and no change. After a couple days it finally occurred to me that maybe I should check my internet provider. Last Sun, I kept calling them and each time, they'd have me so different things, check the modem/ turn it off then back on as well as several things using the command prompt window. They all worked...temporarily for 2-5min. As soon as I hung up, bam...internet connection lost.

I hope it lasts a while but I don't think it will based on what has happened all week. Funnily enough, my antivirus software seems happy enough and even kept saying there was "traffic". I was screaming at it - how can there be "traffic" if I can't connect to the internet. It was very frustating.

Added to this was the fact that the demon spawn masquerading as my neighbors kid downstairs stomped up and down for several hours all weekend long. They must be feeding him pure sugars and dyes. Not a moment's peace. I have to move. I am moving. I just have to find an apt. I've been checking craigslist but most of the suitable ones are available now or in Jun. My lease isn't up till end of July so I'm going to keep looking.

I have another cold or something. Last Tues I had sore throat and fever. I stayed home Wed and slept/ate chicken soup. Felt a bit better and have been to work every day since. But I still have a sore throat. Now, I also have a cough/hoarseness/constant need to clear my throat/as well as fliud in my ears
. I meant to call my doc today but I'm just so sick of being sick. This is like my 6th cold of the year. It sucks and I've had enough of being sick. I can't ignore this sore throat any longer. I am going to have to call my doc tomorrow.

latest tunes

2008-04-21T23:57:00.002-04:00

I bought this Tonic CD "Lemon Parade" 5yrs ago I think, mainly b/c it was on saleand had that song "If You Could Only See". I didn't really listen to anything else on it. Recently I picked it up to listen in the car. There are 3 other tracks on it that I play repeatedly of late. "Mountain" is one I just can't get enough of. this morning on my 20min drive to work I listened to it on repeat 4 times. "Casual Affair" and "Open Up Your Eyes" are also good.

2008-04-21T23:20:00.002-04:00

I was chatting with a couple regulars at the local beer hangout - one of them came in with horrible sun-burn. Serious peeling. So I asked the obvious question - were you not wearing sunscreen? to which he replied - do I look like I was wearing sunscreen. My disbelief stems from the fact that this guy is very pale normally, his eyebrows are see-through. I could not believe that he'd even consider going in the sun without slapping on at least an SPF 30. I wear sunscreen and I'm black. I use an SPF 15 moisturizer on my face b/c who needs more wrinkles than necessary, right? Yesterday I went to CVS looking for some general sunscreen for my legs and arms which will be seeing a lot of extra sun now that Spring/Sun is here. I got some SPF 30 stuff. What I found mind-boggling is that there were tons of SPF 30 and 45 stuff but most of the SPF 4(I didn't even know this existed) and SPF 10 was gone. Why is anyone buying SPF 4? People seem way more concerned with being tanned than they are with skin cancer. I don't know why this concerns me but it does.

random thoughts

2008-04-18T23:58:00.004-04:00

I ran into the dimwit stalker aka the eager-beaver today outside my chinese fastfood place.

FYI - I call him the dimwit stalker b/c his name is a couple letters off from "dimwit" and he just doesn't seem to get it. it's a little mean but it's what I changed his name to in my phone so I could recognize whenever he called me.
anyway, I digress...I saw him as I was parking in the lot behind the take-out place. So I called in my order from the car, then called my friend hoping he'd leave without me having to 'chat'. No such luck. I got out of my car after 5min to go inside to get my order when he suddenly stopped talking on his phone (he was standing near his car and talking while I was in my car). He said hi. I said hi(damn polite manners instilled in me from childhood) while walking. He asked me if I know this girl he teaches (he has asked me about this poor girl about 5 times - every time he's seen me since I decided not to date him again) I say "poor girl" b/c she works at the same company as me and she's one of the couriers so I know who she is and she knows who I am but we don't really chat, we're not friends.
This girl told me that he kept asking her if she knew me(he taught a class she took at a local college). I told her that "yeah, I know who he is, he really should leave you alone, because really....". She laughed, I laughed, so maybe she won't hold his latent stalking against me when she delivers mail to my box. Maybe.

Anyhoo, today he asks me again if I know her. I say yes. He then asks me to tell her hi. Yeah I'm going to do that...never! He then tells me to "keep in touch, don't be a stranger". It is a shame that we live in close proximity and shop at the same grocery and get Chinese take-out at the same place. Shame for me anyway but I refuse to let him stop me from doing what I normally would b/c he's a weirdo.

In other news, she finally admitted to having a crush on the guy I like (Jim). I totally have dibs. Not that it matters since I'm fairly certain that he's not interested in either of us. I told her she could ask him how he feels about her if she wants to know but I can't be involved in any way. I think I can deal with that and not destroy our friendship. She is my friend and I won't allow my jealousy to get in the way of that. I would normally offer to help but not in this case since my feelings are also involved.

He lets me flirt with him and I feel very comfortable with him. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that he and and I are not really suited. I think we can be good friends though. It's kinda nice to have guy friend to hug regularly whenever I feel like it. Plus he's quick and clever and gets all of the references I make and usually finds them funny too. He's not perfect but who is. I do like him and am just going to enjoy our friendship as it is. I want more, at least I think I do.

Sometimes I wonder if I subconsciously choose to like guys who are unattainable intentionally. And if that is so, maybe I will choose the right one someday, when I am ready for a real relationship as opposed to a fantasy one.

Sometimes I think I'd like to have a quick fling with him (or maybe not so quick ;). I am very attracted to him. But that's not me, it's just not something I'd do unless I was very, very, very drunk. A state I am determined to avoid in the near and immediate future. This is easy normally. When we go out Thursday/Sat nights, as we've been doing recently, I drive there and have to drive home afterwards. This means 1 drink on Thursday nights since we're only out for 3-4hrs and about 2 drinks on Sat. nights - I usu steal sips from my friends drinks if they have something different from me. We're usu out from 8:30 till 1 or 2am so there's plenty of time for my barely 5' body to process that alcohol. I am normally very social but one drink is usu enough for me to be extra flirty and clever :)

Our nightly outings have led to some really cool meetings with people I probably would not have met any other way. I even met group of Aussie rugby players a couple weeks ago. They were all wearing shorts even though it was maybe 35-40° outside. Why were they in upstate NY to play rugby? I can't imagine and didn't ask but I'm sure am glad they came. I of course walked up to one of them and asked him if he was an Aussie(after hearing his accent drift over) - to which he replied, "Yeah, I'm an Aussie" in his wonderful accent. This guy had slightly long, curly blond hair and pretty blue eyes, maybe 6'3" and was very well built. I then had to ask him to say something to me in his wonderful accent. He asked "what do you want me say?" I said, say " I love you..." and he said it. I then continued talking to him and another Aussie guy for the rest of the night.

My friend Z says "you are such a flirt". It's true. I am, but of course there is a line and I don't go home home or make out with any of these random guys I flirt with but it's kinda nice to talk to cute guys and have them respond in kind. Not all of the guys are cute and funny, sadly. Some are annoying but mostly they are a nice bunch and there are 'regulars' we usu see there. It's a great beer-bar.

Of course my 5-yr college reunion is coming up next month. I do plan to drink, of course, but probably just enough to get and keep my buzz going - probably in the ballpark of 2-4 drinks a night. At least that's the plan. I'm really hoping that my crush from college comes to reunion (Lit). I have this idea that after 5yrs, he'll suddenly realize what a fool he was to reject me back then and will beg me to give a him another chance. A girl can dream, can't she? Dreams don't cost anything.
Speaking of dreams, I should be having a few now...off to bed.

new tunes

2008-04-06T00:13:00.004-04:00

I recently finished reading "The Outlaw Demon Wails"...Kim Harrison's 6th book in her Rachel Morgan series. It was totally worth the wait. It about this witch who lives with a vampire and a pixy family in an old church and the world she calls the Hollows. It's a great read if you're into that kind of fiction - urban fantasy it's called. If you like books about vampires/witches/elves/werewolves and the like, this series might be for you.

I read about how music inspires her on her site and recently bought a new CD based on this - Best of Corvus Corax (cool review here). It is the coolest sound I've heard in a while. If you hate bagpipes, it's probably not for you. They are a medieval rock band. I didn't even know that such bands existed. They totally rock though. If there was rock music back then, it would have sounded like this.

This is the kind of music they should have used in the movie "A Knight's Tale". Maybe I would have liked the movie if they had. Even if they still had them play "we will rock you", it would have been better on medieval instruments. The electric guitars and drum kits really killed it for me. But I digress.

Here's a YouTube video set to one of my fav songs on the CD "Mille Anni Passi Sunt". The track Harrison mentioned was "Filii Neidhardi" which is another fav of mine as it reminded her of one the elves in the story.

I can't keep still when I hear most of the tracks on this CD.

in the moment

2008-04-05T23:16:00.007-04:00

That guy from the gym finally asked me out. It only took him a year or so. He asked if he could take me out for my bday which is next week. So we went out tonight and it was much more fun than I anticipated. We chatted for quite a while - we met just after 7pm and had a wait for our table but by 7:40 we were seated. We left at 10pm. The time just flew by. He suggested that we should do this again. I agreed. I didn't have high expectations for dinner so I am kind of surprised at how much I enjoyed tonight.
If nothing else comes of it, that's fine. I'm trying to live more in the moment, enjoying each good one as it comes and trying not to look too far ahead.

mixed bag

2008-03-30T09:12:00.004-04:00

I'm doing better this week than I was last week. Well, as far as the (my)paranoia is concerned. This is a plus. I also went to the gym Fri night and did my 20min weight training plus 55min on the treadmill. I did interval jogging in between my brisk walking. I'm so outta shape that I could only jog for 1-2min at a time but that's ok. It's a start.
I'm in a much more reasonable frame of mind - what with all the endorphins I released on Fri.

On Mon, I texted SP(guy from the bar I'm interested in) to ask how his Easter was. Well, he didn't see fit to text me back until Thurs night. Yep, and in this text, he tells me that he's sorry for not answering me back sooner but "he didn't look at his phone until late Mon night and forgot". So he didn't think of me once in nearly 4 days. It's so obvious that he's not interested in me that I can't pretend anymore. I can no longer fool myself about it. He has also not made any attempt to ask me out, to try to see me other than at the bar in the wee hrs.

So we ended up at the bar after the movie/food. We left a while after they closed as we were finishing our drinks. I told him, "see you later". He said "Maybe". I think he thought I meant it literally. What I meant was "Later" as in "whenever dude". He asked if we were going to the bar next door and I told him I wasn't hungry so there was no need. I'm done now. I done trying to get his attention. He's not interested and I'm a bit disappointed and sad about it. But there are many things that are far worse in this world.

It's hard not to get negative. It's difficult not to feel that this is all I'll ever have - imagining that guys who aren't into me like me/want to date me. They never do. At least, they haven't so far. It's hard imagining that they ever will. I can't think about this any more right now.

2008-03-30T08:54:00.003-04:00

We went out last night to see Stop-Loss. It is definitely worth seeing. It was really sad in parts(as expected)and I had to keep blinking to keep the tears at bay.

a better day

2008-03-25T20:39:00.002-04:00

My paranoia quotient has been off the charts lately(which is not news to anyone who read my previous post :) Last night I was thinking that maybe I should give the psychologist I saw a while ago a call. Maybe make an appointment. Last night was not a good night for me but I've had worse. It took forever for me to fall asleep. I just couldn't shut my mind down and relax enough.

I went out walking for 15min or so Sun evening. I didn't have on enough layers so I had to cut it shorter than I'd originally planned and when I got back in, my feet were killing me. I soaked them in warm water and that helped.

Tonight I went to the gym for the first time in a long time - since early February I think. I read something today that said that you should do your cardio first followed by strength training to get the best out of your workout. So I did 30min of brisk walking on the treadmill first. The first 10min were a bit tough. Anyhoo, the first 10min of walking tonight was hard and my legs hurt quite a bit but I didn't stop and I just kept at it. Afterwards I did about 20min free weights/machines. By the time I was done, my legs felt like they would buckle under me. It was a little scary. I am never doing that again. I am going to stick to my usual 10min warm up, then 20-30min free weights, then do 25-30min cardio last. Maybe part of my problem tonight was that I am so out of shape. That's what happens when you let weeks go by without exercising in any shape or form.

My easter weekend was good. I sang with local church choir at all the services, Thurs/Fri/Sat night and Sun morning. It was tiring but fun. I'm glad I did it and that my voice held out. I mention this because at one point during the service on Fri night, we had to kneel in our robes and I usu do one knee but figured as it was Good Friday I should kneel properly. Well, when I tried to get up, I swear I pulled a muscle in my back. Luckily, it was just a slight pull but my back felt weird for a couple days. I figured if I was so out of shape that I couldn't kneel and get up without risking injury - it was time for me to start exercising again.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep better tonight. I had a long hot shower and I may put some ice on my knees/quads/ankles. A vast proportion of my body aches. This is good though. If I can manage to wake up early enough, I'm going to get an early walk in tomorrow. That's the plan.

Random Ramblings

2008-03-24T22:10:00.005-04:00

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone. Or more accurately, be alone forever.

She keeps asking me questions but she doesn't really want to know what I think. She doesn't. She keeps saying "oh you seem upset, why?". She asks this when I am perfectly fine. At least fine until she keeps asking whether I am fine. I take people at their word, usually. I don't trust easily and once broken, my trust is very hard to regain. It also annoys me when people tell me I look tired, then ask if I am tired. WTF? Thanks for informing me that you think I look like crap. No really, thanks. It suddenly makes all my tiredness melt away when you say that. It really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Morons.

I also dislike being asked "what are you thinking?" question. My thoughts are my own. I'm not shy. If I wanted to tell you what I was thinking, I would. But you know what, people don't want to know what I'm thinking a lot of the time. They don't. Sometimes I just want to be left in peace, to just be, without having to account for every expression they think they can see on my face. What I want say is "what's it to you?"

And then there's the random hostilities from random people. Like when I eat my lunch at 1:30 as I often do since I usu have a snack at 10:30 - they say, ooh, are you eating lunch late today? Like they give a shit? Like it's any of their business? That's what I want to say. They don't want to hear that. Even though they are not kind often, I will come off as over-reacting if I tell them to Fuck Off! Maybe, I would be over-reacting :-D But so what. I just want them to leave me alone. I don't ask them "what smells like that, is that onions? is that your lunch?" with a distasteful look on your face. Or "are those peas?" as if I have worms in my lunch bowl. Yes, I've been asked that. Don't ask me shit questions. When you don't have jack-shit to say, shut the hell up. Don't ask me inane questions because you're bored? It's not my job to satisfy your morbid curiosity. I would be just as happy, happier even, if you just nodded and walked on by me as I watched my lunch heat in the microwave. I don't need company for that. Thanks.

If their questions were the least bit clever or funny, then I wouldn't get as ticked off as I do. One of these days I'm going to snap at one of them and then they'll wonder where the heck that came from. I've decided that I'm not going to respond to hostile questions or comments anymore. I'm either going to smile and nod or say "Really?". That's it. Maybe I'll get some satisfaction from that.

Back to my main point - I did have one when I began this post but somehow got carried away...yeah, so several guys would ask her out and have asked her out. She has refused them all. The only one I think she's interested in is the only one who might be interested in me. This really bothers me. I can't talk about it. She keeps asking how I feel about him. I wonder why she needs to know. I also wonder why she just can't back off and let me see if this guy really likes me or not. No one has asked me out. They keep asking me if she's single? WTF? I'm am no longer answering that question - I'm just going to have direct their question to her. What do I look like? A personal secretary?
She keeps saying she thinks that he might like both of us. I kinda bought into that at first. But now, I wonder if I didn't screw things up for myself by including her in stuff he told me. Maybe he too is confused about it. I don't know. I do know that I have his number because I asked for it. She dared me but I wouldn't have gone through with it if I hadn't wanted to call him or have him call me. Of course he hasn't called. He's texted me a few times. I am just not a "text-er". It takes me forever to type the simplest of things on my phone. Plus I have to pay extra for each text and calls don't cost me anything(I have more min than I I ever use). He has yet to call me though.

If a friend of mine explained this to me - my current sitch...this whole texting back and forth that we've been doing and hanging out at the bar - I would immediately tell her "he's so not into you". I just have to accept it.

When guys are interested, they call. They ask you out. They don't ask if both you and your friend are coming out. They don't ask you to send your friend out when you are sick. They do ask you out. They don't sit on your phone number for nearly a month without doing something pro-active.

I know it. I've just been in denial. I am a fool. It's just that he's very clever and cute and funny. And so quick. Damn, it's such a shame. I'm ready to let it go now before I really fall for this guy who's not interested in me. Only the losers ever call. Life sucks sometimes.

open letter to jim

2008-03-08T23:53:00.006-05:00

Yes I asked for your number. Yes I texted you first (sort of, my friend did but you didn't know that).
You have texted me a couple times since then. I think you think we're a package deal.
Still, I was confused about whether you were interested in me or my friend.

Tonight, you texted me to ask if my friend and I are coming to the bar tonight.
I have a cold, so there's on way I'm putting alcohol in my body anytime soon. So I text you back to say I have a cold and am not sure if my friend is coming or not.
You have the gall to text me back and feign like you care, "oh sorry you're ill but you will be better by next weekend right? Oh and also send your friend out tonight."

As if. As if I decide what she does/when she can go out. She does make up her own mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am no longer confused. I think if he was interested in me, he wouldn't have suggested that I "send my friend out".

Last week when we all were hanging out, I think I made it pretty clear that I was interested. His friend made it clear that he was interested in my friend. So what's the deal? I think my friend is also interested in him - even though she was the one who encouraged me to get his number in the first place. Why do that if you are interested in the guy for yourself? I would never do that. I can never understand other people's motives. They don't make any sense to me. I'm very blunt and not at all subtle or intentionally vague. At least people know where they stand with me. I, on the other hand, often wonder exactly where I stand with them.

I think I know. I'm no longer in denial or confused. I'm just an idiot.

reasons

2008-03-01T06:42:00.002-05:00

I want more. I want to find a good man. Sometimes it's hard to explain it. But I know what I don't want. I want to feel more than I do. More than I have before. I'm reading this book, Odd Mom Out, it's a great read. I want to feel the way she feels about this guy Luke in the book. I've never felt that way before. I've had crushes but looking back, that's all they were, crushes.
Reading this book has brought all sorts of sad feelings out of hiding. I put away most of these feelings. I block them out, but they creep to the forefront of my mind from time to time. I want to cry but don't have a reason. At least not a reason that I can easily define. I have reasons for everything. Reasons for doing most of the things I do and say. I was talking to Z yesterday and said, that even though my reasons may not make sense to others, they make sense to me. Z said that the way I explain it, it actually does make sense even though it shouldn't :) I guess that's a good thing.

I got in bed early last night, just before 9pm. I had a cup of hot chocolate and my book and of course my nightly tunes on. I fell asleep at some point, with my glasses on, the light on. I woke up at 4:30am. Probably b/c my light was on and I needed the loo badly. I was tired but didn't feel like going back to sleep so I found my page in my book and continued reading. Then I started thinking and remembering and couldn't quite focus on my book. I wanted to get some of this out but now that I'm here and writing, the words escape me. I need a cup of tea and more sleep.

odds and ends

2008-02-26T22:25:00.003-05:00

I've been so tired lately. I know why. I haven't been on a good sleeping schedule. I'm sleeping though most nights as soon as my head hits the pillow. This is good. What isn't so good is that I'm not getting to bed early enough to capitalize on this.

I don't even have a good excuse for being up late - it's not like there's anything that great on tv. I guess I've just been restless lately.

I did finally end things with TW. We met for coffee the sat after valentine's day. He and I talked for some time. He wouldn't come right out and admit it but I think he also realized that we were not going anywhere couple-wise. We just weren't a good fit. I knew it from the 2nd date. but my friends kept saying that I shouldn't give up on a seemingly good guy too soon. Even though I couldn't express why I didn't think it was right between us didn't mean that I was wrong about it. I so need to trust my instincts. They rarely lead me wrong...unless they pertain to driving directions then I need to go opposite to my "feelings" :)
I don't regret meeting him. It was kinda fun having someone to go bowling with whenever I felt like it. That's about all I miss. We parted as friends sorta. I have no plans to call him up to "go hang out" anytime soon. I think a clean break is best.

In the meantime, Z and I have been going out most Thurs night to our local beer bar - it has beers from around the world and has a really cool crowd there Thurs night who are mostly young professionals/grad students. It is rare that we go without guys coming up to talk to us. It's really cool. We've met a few characters, sure, but they were mostly entertaining. I met a guy there who I want to call "Sarge" which is nothing like his real name but suits much better imho. He has a tattoo in his head. I'd noticed him and said tattoo before but didn't have a chance to speak to him. He jumped into one of our conversations last time and gave me the opportunity to ask about how much that tattoo must have hurt. We did a little flirting :) He asked if I came there regularly. I told him my friend and I came there from time to time. He told me that he'd look out for me soon (Z was tired so we were just about to leave when he and had our little chat). He also came right out and asked "Petra, do you have a man?". To which I replied. "Currently, no" Then he said, "I will remember that next time we meet". To which I replied, "You do that". Overall, it was a pretty fun night.

Sometimes I meet people and we chat for a while and then afterwards I sometimes think about the conversation and wonder if maybe I should have responded in a different way but that night I felt pretty good. The words just came to me.

So I mentioned Sarge to my Mum in passing...why, I don't know but I did. Her comment (keep in mind that I only talked to the guy once) was "well, I hope you know if you need blood, you can't get it from him since he has tattoos".
Yeah, that's my Mum sometimes. She leaves one speechless. Cause what can you say to that?

Time for bed - the road are going to be more of a mess tomorrow morning than they were on my drive home tonight so I need to leave for work a little earlier.

2008-02-13T19:45:00.001-05:00

35%

maybe I won't be sick forever

2008-02-13T18:37:00.004-05:00

Ever since I took my last antibiotic on Sat morning, it felt like I was sick again. The coughing fits...back. The ear popping...back again. Plus I needed my inhaler twice a day since Sun. None of these were good signs. My nasal drip was back as well, b/c I haven't been able to take rhinocort regularly (nose bleeds/stuffy nose) so my stomach has been upset a lot lately in addition to the discomfort of always feeling like I need to clear my throat.

So I went to the doctor again yesterday - whenever I call for an appt, I always have to explain myself twice. First to the receptionist then to the nurse after she calls me back. Once I explain my situation to her, she then gives me an appt. I think it's a little ridiculous that the nurse has to declare me sick enough to be seen. But whatever.

I saw a doc I haven't seen before. He looked at my chart and immediately told me - you know you are a poster child for pollen allergies. He went on to say that I'm one of those people who's allergic to so many pollens that it has to be heavily controlled with asthma drugs even though the rot cause of my problems is allergens not asthma. He also told me that once I got the dosages of my allergy shot up to monthly dosing (I'm currently on biweekly dosing schedule), I'd really notice a difference and be able to cut down on the asthma drugs. He also said that I probably have oral allergy syndrome(OAS). I'd never heard of that before. He explained that b/c of my pollen allergies, I probably also got cross-reactions to fruit. I have noticed that many fruits when eaten raw make my lips/tongue itch but I can usually drink the juice. I told him this and he said that was typical.

He looked in my ears and throat and listened to my lungs (standard procedure) then he told me we had a few options.

Option a)he could prescribe prednisone for a few days - I told him I'd prefer not b/c I tend to have serious side effects to oral steroids, at least with the inhaled ones I currently take, the side effects are minimized.

Option b)we could increase my dosages of the current corticosteroids I'm on - again I told him I'd rather not, as I'm already on the middle dose and going on the higher dose would really increase the side effects I'd experience.

Option c)he could prescribe Z-pak for 5 days which would kill any atypical bugs that Augmentin might have missed-he also said that augmentin would have been his first choice as well. The Augmentin I took was prescibed by another doc I normally see in the practice. He thought I still had some lingering infection. He also gave me a Rx and sample for Astelin for the nasal drip. Unlike Rhinocort, it isn't a steroid so shouldn't cause nose bleeds. Only thing is that the spray is nasty if it gets in the back of your throat so I just have to stay upright for 15min after I take it. He said I should be able to feel like myself by the end of the Z-pak course.

Fingers crossed.

the crux of the matter

2008-02-13T18:07:00.004-05:00

I kept thinking that over time I'd start feeling more. I figured he's a nice guy. Normal, mostly. It's not perfect. It isn't abusive. I'm just bored and can't see myself with him long term. It's been 3 months. I think I would know by now. He just doesn't excite me. I used to get more excited about reading his emails than about meeting him in person. This is not a good sign. He sometimes lets 6 or 7 days go by without emailing me even though email is our primary source of communication. He doesn't have a cell phone. He works behind a computer all day and expected me to believe that he only just saw my email after 4 days. I didn't buy that for a minute.
T says that excitement doesn't last but if it isn't even there at the beginning, what's the point? Why even bother?

I wrote an email to him last night but I couldn't send it. I think he deserves more than an email. I need to tell him face-to-face even though I'd rather avoid it. He emailed about going out for drinks on Valentine's day. I emailed back that I'm not a believer in celebrating such a fake day. He admitted that he was glad I didn't like it. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation.

I've thought about asking to just-be-friends but really the only thing I want to do with him is go bowling. I will miss going bowling with him. When we go bowling, I do have fun. Every time. In the car, it's gets a little weird for me. I try to keep the conversation going. I was trying to explain how I felt to my sis and I told her how sometimes I can't think of anything to say. This is weird for me - I can strike up conversations and do have random conversations with people all the time. She said, "if you can't think of something to say, you have to end it - because normally you talk all the time". Yeah, there was a backwards compliment in there somewhere(I think :)

I don't regret meeting him. It has been fun. As long as we had a specific activity to do. Otherwise it just feels like hard work. The crux of the matter is that I don't feel a strong connection to him, the kind of connection I want to have with a partner. I don't think that's his fault, I think it just isn't there. Now all I have to do is explain this.

Then of course there's the cloak-and-dagger thing with his friends. Maybe he doesn't have any friends. If that's true, it's really weird but it would explain why he's never asked me to meet any. Either that or he has a real gf who knows his friends so he can't introduce me.

I don't know if I'll feel differently someday. I've never been in love with a guy who was in love with me. So I don't know if I would then want all the hype involved in Vday. I sincerely doubt it though. I've always been anti-Vday. For one thing, I'm really allergic to pollen, so I don't deal well with fresh flowers. I love chocolate but would prefer a random gift of such, just because that person thought of me. Not so they could prove to the world how great of a bf they are. Unless, that is something they'd do normally anyway. That's just how I feel. I'm ok with other people liking it and wanting to do stuff as long as I don't have to be involved.

later on Sat

2008-02-10T14:39:00.001-05:00

Later on I went to dinner and movie with the girls. We saw Fool's Gold which was not half as bad as I was expecting. As expected, Matthew McConaughey, was shirtless for most of the movie which added to my enjoyment :)
After the movie we went to our usual hangout when we want beer and it was really fun. There were 3 of us and we found a good spot to have our beers and chat. I got there first and as usual I struck up a random conversation with a guy while I was waiting. Whenever I get there first, someone starts talking to me, it's the coolest bar ;)

Anyhoo, this time it was the door-guy-who checks IDs/etc. As the night wore on, he kept stopping by our area and making the wittiest comments. Damn, he was so quick and funny. I was very amused. They kicked us out at midnight b/c they always close at midnight and we moved to another bar a couple doors down. So door guy who let me call him J, said if we were still there by 2am, he see us there. As part of his job, he helps clean up the bar after closing. So after we were at the other bar for a short while, my friend Z dares me and offers $5 for me to go get his number. I rolled my eyes and tried to get out of it but I really can't resist a serious dare. So I went over there, had to knock on the door b/c they'd locked up and then explain to the owner who answered it...yeah, I kinda forgot something, I need to ask J about it. As I expected, he smirked then called J to the door. I told him that I kinda needed to get his number. He gave it to me and I left(there was a funny exchange but I won't get into it). He mentioned that I should text him b/c he usu has the ringer off.
So I go back to the other bar, mission accomplished and feeling somewhat triumphant and a little embarrassed.
My friends got excited when I showed them his number. So excited that Z took my phone and then proceeded to text him. It was all so funny. It was such a fun night and I laughed and laughed for most of it. I only had 1 beer at the first bar and stuck to water after that so I wasn't drunk at all in spite of all my laughter and Z's insinuations :)
Then this weird guy comes over to our table and sits himself down - partly my fault - b/c he came over at first when my friends were elsewhere and asked something or other and I answered. I shouldn't have encouraged him. Because then this other weird girl came over, sat herself down next to me (in Z's seat no less) and made a nuisance of herself. The following bizarre conversation ensued.
Weird Girl: My friend (weird guy) is a great guy
Me: Ummm, that's good to know
W. Guy: do you girls have jobs?(what kind of question is that?)
Me: Yes, we're chemists
W. Guy(eyes wide and interested): Really, do you make "meth"?
My friend M: Ummm, no.
Me: No. We're legit, we make stuff for a reputable pharmaceutical company
W. Girl: what do you do?
Me: We're chemists?
W.Girl: do you test animals?
Me: no we don't do any actual testing, we just make stuff that someday might become something like tylenol, what we make is shipped and tested elsewhere
W. Girl: natural things are better for the body, what you are doing is wrong (WTF?)
Me: What?
W. Girl: what do you do? (OH no back to this again)
Me: I told you already
W. Girl: what you make hurts people and you should stop(who is this weird girl?)
Me: Listen, you are entitled to your opinion but what do mean by saying what we do is wrong, this is what we do and if that offends you, you don't have to sit here
W. Girl: where are you from?
Me: what does that have to do with anything?
W. Girl: oh I didn't mean anything by it, I was just trying to place your accent(Huh?)
Me: I'm from Trinidad
W.Girl: where is that?
Me: the Caribbean
W. Girl: where is that? you are not from NY, you sound like you're from around here
Me: nope, Trinidad, the Caribbean

At this point I wanted to find a way to extricate myself from this weird duo who seemed like they might have been high. W. Girl had a pierced lower lip which I personally find disturbing up close. Then she said something about how she is hard of hearing and people mistakenly think she's offending them but she just trying to place where people are from or something like that. I kinda stopped listening at this point. Also, J from our first bar, texted me back (well, he ans the message Z had sent to him via my phone as me :) So then my friends and I passed the phone around so they could see the message too. Not to be left out, W. Girl opens her phone and shows a picture of her cat (which was a cute sleeping cat) and proceeds to give me it's life story. Finally the guy writes his number on a napkin, slides it over to us and leaves. The girl got up to use the ladies. I hustled my friends the hell out of there. I did not fancy talking to that weird girl ever again.

I finally got home at 2:30am and 15min later J finally texts me again to say he'd been in the bar we just left for 10min. I replied that we had to leave. NO response from him but it was 3am by then. I drifted to sleep soon after my head hit my pillow.
I'm too old to be staying out that late. I of course woke up at 8am today. Which in a way is fine b/c I have to feed Timmy and take my morning meds (asthma/antibiotics) but I feel kinda like death. At least, no hangover since I only had 1 drink over the 6hrs we were out, that'd be worse. I am really tired though and my cough is still here. My ears were popping yesterday. I am a little concerned b/c I thought the antibiotics I've been on for 10days(took the last one this morning) would have taken care of all of that.

early sat

2008-02-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

I was out for most of the day on Sat. At 9am, went to breakfast with T, delicious as always. I had french toast, scrambled eggs and sausage. I managed not to get the home fries and as a result did not feel totally ill :)

I emailed TW Fri night to ask if he wanted to go bowling during the afternoon - the whole week went by without him emailing me even though I emailed him back on Mon. So he called me Sat around 11:30 to say he wanted to go. So we went and it was mostly fun. Once we have stuff to do, it's usually fun. I asked him how his week was and he was his usual evasive self. He said something about how his grandmother, who's in a care facility, was having some trouble but didn't elaborate further. He said it's been a tough week. Again no details.

Another thing I realized yesterday is that not only have I not met any of his friends(after 3months) but when he does mention them he never refers to them by name. Is he some CIA guy who can't name names? Just another weird thing. I'm ready to end it now. I feel kinda like a jerk to want to end it before V-day. I'm torn between waiting until after V-day or just ending it before. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation either way. I almost wish I could be like a guy - like all the guys who've ceased being interested in me - just not call/email. No explanation, no reasons, no messy talk. Just no contact until I get the hint.

back to square one?

2008-02-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

I went to my company party with TW. It was fun. The food was not nearly as good as it normally is, but at least the desserts were still on par. Most people dress up. TW remarked that everyone was all fancy. I told him that this is the one chance for most of us to dress up since we tend to wear jeans/khakis most days.

Afterwards about 10 of us went bowling. That was great fun. It was good to see TW interact with my friends. My friend C also told me that our height difference didn't seem weird - which I was kinda glad to hear. The thing is that I still haven't met any of his friends. Not even one. You'd think that someone who was born and grew up in this town, went to both undergrad and grad school in this town would have several friends here. One would also think that he want his friends to meet me. I moved here just over 5 yrs ago. I didn't go to high school here and I went to uni 4hrs north of here. I still have several friends here who I've told about TW who wanted to meet him. That's one of the reasons I invited him, so he could meet my friends and also so I could see him interact with other people. He got a thumbs-up from my friends. This is good.

I'm still on the fence as far as he is concerned. When we go out bowling or to play pool or darts we have a good time. However when we just go out for a drink or for a meal, I find myself getting bored. We went out for a drink last week and he said "I'm a very boring person..." What kind of thing is that to say? If he was looking for me to say "oh no TW, you aren't at all boring" he is looking at the wrong chick. That's just not me. He also doesn't realize that is so not the thing to say to me. I don't do boring. I prefer interesting, funny, sarcastic, witty. I feel kinda bad sometimes. My friends say he definitely seems to like me. I think (and this is probably b/c I am in no way lacking in self esteem) -what's not to like? of course he likes me. I'm a good catch even if I say so myself. I'm smart, funny and attractive. A little weird sure but definitely interesting.

On the surface, he seems fine. Just not for me, I think. There are several little things that I can't quite get past which on their own would be fine but taken altogether are a bit much. I should probably end things but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Normally, when I don't think things are working out with a guy, I'm out. Like that! With very little in the way of guilt or regrets.

We still haven't had that conversation about boyfriend or not boyfriend or just dating or exclusive. He hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know the answer to that question so I won't be asking.

One last thing. I had a really weird dream about him - like scary/embarassing/freaky weird. I will not go into too many details other than to say that he was in it(fully clothed), his mother(who I of course have not met) and I was naked for most of it. Let's just say that I was well and truly freaked out by it. I figured that the dream was probably due to my misgivings about him. Still, it's difficult not to take it as a warning.

come on february

2008-02-05T21:16:00.001-05:00

February has started and is in fine form. I did a couple rxns and they worked - not spectacularly but still reasonably well. Also, the best news ever, my supervisor has changed to a much more reasonable person in my group. No longer will I have to report to that moron. I shouldn't call him that. But he just made it so hard for me - I don't know if it was a language issue with him or what. Doesn't matter anymore b/c now he can harass/annoy his new minion instead of me. This came after a particularly trying day last Wed where he came up to me at least 6 times and asked "what are you doing?" WTF does it look like I'm doing...staring into space? picking my nose? NO dumbass, my hands have gloves on and I'm purifying this compound or I'm writing observations in my notebook. If I was staring into space, maybe he'd have a legit reason for asking me that shit. As it was, I told him several times, my goals/plans for the day and yet he kept asking like he had amnesia or something.
Now I can just let it go. It was very freeing. I don't function well when all that rage is festering inside. It just made me so angry. All I wanted to listen to was that song by Three Days Grace "Animal I Have Become". It helped a little.

I'm feeling better now. I had another cold. ON the 10th day I finally went to the doc b/c my ears which had been popping the whole time had finally become clogged. I could barely hear out of my left ear. It was very weird. So I went in and got augmentin for 10 days. That ear has been really painful from time to time but at least it's not clogged anymore and my runny nose has finally tapered off after 13 days of running. My cough is also much better.

February is definitely better than January was and it's only been 5 days. I'm am all about February.

another week, another cold

2008-01-27T20:39:00.000-05:00

I have another cold. I think this is s new record for me - 3 colds in a month. I had a sore throat Tues night and woke up with it Wed morning. I went to work for a couple hrs Wed and then went home b/c I was feeling pretty bad. Also stayed home Thu - coughed all day. Went in on Fri and felt much better even though I was still hoarse and coughing occasionally. I felt better. Sat morning I woke up with a headache and a sore throat and was a bit concerned but I just ignored it, took some sudafed and went about my day. took a walk with my friend around 9pm after dinner - this was probably a mistake b/c I wasn't dressed warmly enough for walking outside in 24F temps. I woke up today with a headache, hoarseness and bad cough. I still went to choir and made it through rehearsal with only a few coughs. During the service though - it was bad. I had to go to the bathroom about 8 times to cough - it sounded like my lungs were going to come up in my throat. It was getting worse b/c the service was going on and I was trying not to cough. That always makes it worse. So half-way through the service I left and came home. I spent the day resting mostly and am off to bed now. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. It's so annoying to be sick again. I'm so fed up of it. At work they tell me to stay home when I'm sick but they never do. They come in sick and infect me and then I always get sicker than they do. It sucks ass.

2008-01-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

Heath Ledger - can you believe it? My friend told me today and I figured it was some sort of sick joke but it seems to be true. It's just crazy b/c he seemed so stable. Not that I knew him of course. Still, there are many other actors/entertainers out there who seem to be in far more trouble than him. I guess you only get to see the face they show the world. I feel sad for his kid.

there's this moment...

2008-01-19T17:29:00.000-05:00

...in Stranger Than Fiction...when Ana Pascal walk in and looks at Harold(the main character) who playing the guitar and singing with his eyes closed. She gives him this look - this look that says so much without words. That's what I'm looking for, and I don't know if I'll ever find it. Find someone I'll feel that way about or who'll make me feel that way. I do know that I haven't found it yet.

This movie chokes me up every time I see it...even though I already know the ending :)

in the land of OZ

2008-01-19T13:29:00.000-05:00

I fell asleep on my futon last night watching tennis - woke up at 1am and Federer and Tipsarevic were still battling away. I went to bed before the match was over but it looked like it could go either way. This is the first real test Fed. has had and boy was he tested. I went to bed thinking he might actually lose.

Today I watched Hewitt(aussie's great hope) battle Baghdatis. Their match didn't start until 1am Aussie time due to the late end of the Federer/Tipsarevic match. They also went about 4hrs. I picked Hewitt to win in my raquet bracket but Baghdatis gave him a run for his money.

Nadal plays his 4th round match tomorrow so I will be tuning in for that. I love tennis.

motivation

2008-01-19T12:28:00.001-05:00

I had a funny conversation with a guy from the gym - I might have mentioned him as the guy from the gym who couldn't get his act together. Anyhoo, I saw him this past week at the gym (yes, I actually managed to work out once this week) and he and I chatted a bit. He said I looked really good for someone who wasn't at the gym. He also said and I quote "you must be beating them off with a stick". This made me laugh and feel pretty good. Fact is, I have lost another 1/2" off my waist and 1" off my belly and 1" off my hips - the belly fat is slowly breaking away from me, I may actually be able to see me abs someday! Actual lbs lost since Sep 07 is 4. This may not sound like a lot but at 4'11 3/4", 4lbs adds up. I even feel the difference in my jeans. This has motivated me to start doing sit-ups and push-ups every other day. I can only do about 12 push-ups so far and about 25-30 sit-ups but I think this will improve if I keep at it.
I put a pick of Nadal displaying his biceps(he doesn't even have to try) in my bedroom. It's the first thing I see after I put my glasses on - it motivates me :)

musings...

2008-01-19T11:05:00.000-05:00

It's Sat morning - I wish I had a friend I could call to go get some breakfast. My friends have lots of excuses, many of them legit. I just wish I had someone I could feel comfortable calling. I rarely turn down invites out unless I'm ill. I do have a friend I get breakfast with sometimes but when she's not feeling up to it, there isn't anyone else.

I'm just a bit whiny lately. And a bit down. I know there are people out there with real problems and issues but that doesn't mean that mine don't seem equally real and problematic to me.

This is not what I had envisioned when I thought about having a boyfriend. I don't even know if he's my boyfriend or not. I don't feel exactly free to date other people. I think I should since nothing has been said by either of us.

I've invited him to a company party in a few weeks and I'm still unsure about how to introduce him...right now I'm thinking of, this is my date "TW". He's not asked about it either. While I don't really have any first hand experience with having a boyfriend, it is my understanding that if a guy is interested in having you date only him, he will ask and ensure this. Won't he?

So after having invited him to this company event, which happens in 3 weeks, he emails me about this Fri morning - His good friend is having a birthday party tonight that he's going to and he does not invite me. Just says that he'll be going to that so maybe we could get a drink Fri night since he'll be busy Sat. Well, I worked until 6:30pm Fri night and the only thing I wanted to do was go home, eat some pizza, and watch some tennis. That's it. My apt was a bit untidy and so I didn't want company because I was too tired to clean it. Plus, my kitchen had tons of dishes piled up and I was definitely too tired to be hustling to get them washed if I was having company. SO I told him to have fun at his party and that maybe we could meet for a drink early next week instead b/c I was too tired.

Personally, I think he should have invited me to his friend's party or just not said anything about it. Fact is, that he has met one of my friends and had opportunities to meet a couple others which he declined/had other plans. I have not met any of his friends nor have I had the opportunity to do so - unless he's counting the waitress at his fav bar who knows him well. I feel he should have not said anything to me about this party since he didn't want to invite me for whatever reason.

My friend Z, said that maybe he didn't have a game-plan either about when you talk about dating exclusively. I think that's crap, but what do I know? In my experience with guys and this is really only with guys who are just my friends, when they want a girl only to date them, they say so. They don't assume anything. They make sure she knows that they want to be with her only.

The thing about this guy is that he's not my type physically at all. He's very skinny and a bit too tall. My friends say the height shouldn't matter but I am aware of it whenever we stand next to each other. I am very aware of the extra foot and a half and I feel like a freak. I try not to think about it and usually I'm not concerned about what other people think but in this case I can't seem to let this go. Maybe it has something to do with my insecurities about my height. I'm short, just under 5' and was even shorter/skinny when I was in high school. Back then I had to defend against negative comments about my height almost every day. That sticks with you. I hardly ever used to think about any of that - I guess I managed to block most of it out like I have many other unpleasant parts of my past. It keeps surfacing lately though and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

He seems to be a nice guy although he only likes to go out to eat at bars or places that serve bar-food. We tried to go to a different place and the wait was 45min, which was ridiculous, I agree, but there were maybe 10 other restaurants on that street that were somewhat similar that we could have tried. Instead he drives another 20min to a bar we've been to before for mediocre burgers.

I suggested a couple places but he said "I think those places have too many people, I prefer someplace more low key". By low-key, he means a bar, no wait, true, but mediocre to crappy food that has tons of fat and useless calories. He does pay most times, so I'm not complaining about that.
The thing is, that things are not the way I imagined they would be. I feel like it would be ok to make exceptions for someone who fit my criteria more. Maybe I'm just more shallow that I thought.

I have had these reservations about TW from the start but they have gotten worse ever since the whole making-out-thing with BG. BG is not exactly my ideal but he's more in a height range that doesn't make me self-conscious. I also felt much more comfortable with BG in a shorter space of time and I'm not quite at that level with TW yet in spite of having been dating him for a couple months.

Is it too early to meet a guy's friends? Shouldn't I get a chance to see how he interacts with people who know him well before I commit myself completely? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm probably wrong. Be that as it may, this just doesn't feel right. It has never really felt right. It's been ok and mostly fun. I'm just biding time now.

boy update

2008-01-15T20:51:00.002-05:00

So I am still dating TW - it's been just over 2mths since we started dating.

I was a bit confused ever since I got back from my holiday. Partly b/c I was a bit naughty and kinda hooked up with a guy (let's call him BG) - if I wasn't plastered, I might have stopped sooner than I did. As it was, it was a very close call. This is just not the sort of thing that I normally do. Ever. I met BG the last time I was there and we clicked but nothing happened. I really like BG and there is major chemistry but he lives on another continent. I like TW and he lives here - in the same city as me. And he's probably better suited to me as well.

I was thinking too much - wondering if maybe BG would be a better guy b/c there was so much chemistry. Honestly though, I haven't spent much time actually talking to BG - the sexual chemistry clouded almost everything else out. I don't know if there's a chance for more or not. I may never get the chance to find out.

TW is a really sweet guy and he's fun and I have a great time whenever we hang out. He made me this really cool gift for Christmas. I was a bit apprehensive when he told me he was making me something but it is perfect and appropriate. If you want to know what it is, email me and I'll send you a picture (I don't want to post it b/c it is unique).

So I've decided to stop second-guessing myself. To stop analyzing everything. Stop trying to "figure out where the relationship is going". Stop pondering... are we in a relationship? should I ask him to define the boundaries of such? should I have a talk with him about being exclusive and not dating other people? So many questions...Instead, I'm just going to enjoy and take things one day/date at a time. As long as it remains positive and fun, then I'm going to run with it.

in the land of Oz

2008-01-15T20:51:00.001-05:00

In other news, tennis is once again saving my sanity. Aussie open, people. Watch! You'll like. Lots of exciting things happening in both the men's and women's game. Some great players out there. I don't normally watch much of the women's game but the match-ups are really good this year and I've watched a few already.

My boy Nadal really struggled to win his first round match vs Troiki(who had some killer aces and was also able to return a lot of what Nadal threw at him) but I'm hoping that's where his major hiccup will be and he'll look better as time goes on. I'm hoping he improves and makes it past the 1/4finals this year.
Federer was magnificent. I know I sound like a fan of his and I do like him though not as much as Nadal. Watching him effortlessly demolish Hartfield was a thing of beauty. I felt kinda sorry for poor Hartfield - Federer in the first round.

work update

2008-01-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

I have been in no mood to post lately. I've had stuff to say but haven't had the inclination to actually write it all out.

I am having a really shit time at work since I've been back. The chemistry gods are angry. Very angry. Not just at me - several other people in my group have also been having crappy yields + weird unidentifiable impurities. The one I'm working on now has had several purifications and still has some shit in it that neither I nor the other experienced scientists in my lab can identify. It's enough to make a sane person nuts. I feel like screaming and pulling my hair out all day, every day. It's been so shit. Hopefully once I get this crap shipped, I'll have a bit more luck.

Things have to get better as some point, right?

Happy New Year

2008-01-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

I've not been in a mood to post much. I got back from my trip last Sat but it feels like I've been back much longer. At least it was only a 3-day work week else I don't think I would have survived.

I went out last night to a bar that had a live band. The band was pretty good. When we left my car was gone and in its place was a parking violations vehicle - bad sign. Yes, my car was towed. I had to take a taxi to it ($7.50) and then after paying ($135) to get it out, I found a $50 ticket on it. Happy New Year to me.
Needless to say that kinda ruined my night but it just the kind of shit that always seems to happen to me.

Hopefully this is the end of the crap and 2008 as a whole will turn out much better than 2007 was. I'm really tired since I didn't get in until 2am and still went to breakfast with T at 9am. I woke up at 7:30. I really should take a nap.

I'm supposed to go out with the guy TW tonight at 6 but right now I just don't feel up to it. My feelings are a bit confused where he is concerned at the moment and I don't know if I want to continue seeing him or not. There was a bit of weirdness on both our parts while I was gone and I don't know if this is what I want. I am confused (and you probably are too due to my vagueness) but that's just where I'm at now.

More to come later.

on holiday

2007-12-21T06:22:00.000-05:00

My flight was good, the lady next to me only chatted occasionally and slept for most of the flight. She did snore a bit though but I was able to drown most of it out with my iPod :) Got my luggage and train no problem and my brother-in-law came to pick me up and drop me off at the house - he then had to go back to work. So I had a shower and brushed my teeth and felt almost human again. My sis called to check that I got in alright. I took a 3hr nap then stayed awake till about midnight(english time). I went to bed then and woke up today at 9am.
After a full night's sleep, I feel just about ready to begin my holiday.

I woke up this morning in a bad position, it felt like my right arm was broken (at least how I imagine that would feel since I haven't broken any bones). Once I got out of bed and stretched out a bit, it felt somewhat better. I've had a leisurely breakfast and have been surfing the net for the last hr or so. I installed firefox on my sister's laptop - will delete it later if she doesn't like it. IE keeps shutting down. I was trying to email TW(the guy I'm dating-I keep typing this I know but only b/c I've not had more than a 2nd date or wanted more than a 2nd date with a guy in forever so this is pretty exciting for me :) and it kept shutting down before I could send it. After 3 attempts, I just gave up and wrote him 2 lines of text and hit 'send'. Tried again later on after I'd had a few hrs sleep, but couldn't remember half what I'd wanted to tell him. Oh well.

The Golden Compass

2007-12-15T10:35:00.000-05:00

I saw the Golden Compass this past week. I really enjoyed it. I think it's worth seeing. I haven't read the book but plan to over the holiday break. I was out last night at a local bar with my friend Z and we were chatting with these 2 guys. They were very cool and we even exchanged numbers and plan to hang out again. One of the guys and I totally clicked but in a completely platonic way. He has a potential girl and I have a potential guy. I think he and I can be friends though. I have so missed have close guys friends I can hang out with. I've lost touch with most of the ones from college so I'd really like it if this works out.
While we were there, I was telling one of them that I'd really like to get an armoured bear like Iorek from the movie :) He was very cool(the bear). A guy at another table leaned over and jumped in and said to me "a lot of atheists say that they left God completely out of that movie". I have so many issues with that statement. For one, if what he says is true, for at least some atheists, then why do they care? IF they really don't believe in God what does it matter. Another thing that kills me - when the first Narnia movie came out, people said, there were too many Christian connotations(that it was very propaganda-like) and that's why they didn't like it. Now with The Golden Compass(TGC) movie, they are complaining because they think it's lacking God. WTF? I did not have a problem with either movie. If I had to choose a fav between the 2 movies it'd be tough. For visual effects alone, I would choose TGC over Narnia b/c none of the scenes made me think of CGI special effects. It all looked real. The polar bears in particular as well as the other animals looked so real and I know logically that they couldn't have been real and speaking :) but in all the scenes - you believe it. In Narnia, there were several scenes which I could tell were done by models/computer graphics/etc. yet that didn't diminish my enjoyment of it. Also with Narnia, I knew the basic story from having seen a cartoon version of the story as a child, so I had a fondness for the story ahead of time. All I knew about TGC was what I got from the previews I saw. Also b/c I haven't read the book yet, it didn't seem to be missing stuff and it set up the next sequel at the end.
That's my 2 cents.

Busy Little Bee

2007-12-14T21:05:00.000-05:00

I had a semi-hectic day today even though I had the day off from work, I had many errands to run. I wanted to get my shopping done. I know I left it till the last minute but it's finally done. I just have to mail stuff tomorrow and I'll be pretty much done. I leave for my sister and London in 4 days. Going for 2 wk vacay. I can't wait.

I had books to return to the library, more to pick up for my trip. I plan to spend my vacation doing 3 three things, namely, eating, reading and sleeping.

I had to go to the ATM, then quick stop at the grocery. From there I stopped at Circuit City then Walmart (both in same lot) then went to the mall and hit several clothing stores looking for something for my sis. I looked in 5 stores and finally found something I think she'll like in Macys. From there, had to get gas then finally back home. I did all this between 10:30-1:30pm. I was supposed to meet TW(the guy I've been dating for almost a month) for lunch. I got back just in time. We hung for a while, lunch was good. Then finally I could relax.

I dug up this video on YouTube of a soca parang as we call it - mr santa claus, the song is really funny. They played this a lot last year when I was in Trinidad for Christmas.

Another very catchy song by the same guy, Remy, that I like - roti and kuchela
Words from the song:
Bus-up-shut(Paratha) is an Indian flat bread that's broken up(like busted up or bus-up - get it :)
Roti(Dhalpuri) is another type of Indian flat bread that has ground split peas inside
Kuchela - usually a mango chutney (other local fruits can be used as well) often homemade but can also be bought in any grocery

sick still

2007-12-09T16:51:00.001-05:00

Still sick. Had to cancel my date yesterday, I was kinda disappointed to say the least but I really felt like crap and I was coughing a lot as well as blowing my nose :( My date TW was very understanding and he even offered to bring me soup or cold medicine or anything I needed. I thanked him for the offer but said I was ok.
My sis said I should have pretended otherwise and let him come over and bring me juice or something - even if it meant I had to hide the juice I had :) Yeah, I don't think so. For one, I hate having people see me when I'm sick. For another, that's just not me, if I really needed something, I'd ask, but I can't pretend otherwise. Maybe I'm too independent but that's just me.

My cough is really bad and I've had to take my inhaler several times. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow - some of the stuff I'm coughing up is green - not a good sign.

sick...and tired of being so

2007-12-08T09:08:00.000-05:00

I am so sick. I left work at 4:30 Fri. This may not sound early to most but I usu leave at 5:30 most Fri. I'd had enough. I made a mistake with a couple compounds I wanted to ship so they won't be going out and I now have to do more stuff with them before they can be shipped. It turns out they are not what I thought i had made, something weird happened and they are missing a group. Coincidentally, the group that's replaced the one I was trying to make has some of the same characteristics as what I was trying to make. So that's partly why I didn't realize it. Such a Bummer! Nothing I can do. I was trying to get these other 2 reactions cleaned up and submitted for analytical to screen them but I was just so tired and hoarse and feeling generally crabby after I found out about the compounds that won't ship - I had to get out of there. Kinda felt like it was all for nothing. I should have stayed home Thurs. I'd have gotten as much done if I had. Thurs was a totally crappy day and lots of random shit happened that prevented to from making any real progress with my reactions.

My Cold's Progression:
Tues: woke up with horrible sore throat that not even gargling with salt water helped, also had general body aches and low grade fever. Took some zicam and drank lots of fluids, felt ok apart from sore throat.
Wed: woke up sneezing, sore throat changed and now only hurt when I tried to swallow. Also started coughing occasionally, no fever.
Thurs: Woke up, felt ok. Got out of bed and had a minor headache, slight runny nose, no fever. Felt worse as the day wore on. Took zicam, cetacol and drank so much water I had to use the bathroom every hour.
Fri: woke up with headache, no fever, coughing sporadically, can't blow my nose too much b/c it's bleeding whenever I blow more than once. Can't take my allergy nasal spray --> my stomach is also upset (b/c of nasal drip falling into my stomach) in addition to the chills, general malaise.
Sat: horrible coughing fit, general feeling of unwellness. Runny nose which I can only blow gently occasionally b/c bleeding. Lots of phlegm. Gross. Took some tussin to try to get some this grossness out of my body.

My kitchen looks like a bomb hit it. I'm so not in the mood to have my hands in water right now so it's probably going to stay that way for a while.

I have a date later today - we're supposed to go to a museum, then get something to eat and maybe play pool or bowling. At least that was the plan. I will probably have to cancel even if I feel better later. The worse parts of my day(when I feel like death) are early morning and late evening. Plus I really don't want to give him this sickness.

relax and enjoy

2007-12-01T12:46:00.000-05:00

It's 24F but wind chill is only 4F. Small wonder that I was freakin' freezing when I walked the 2 min out to put my netflix DVD in the mailbox.
I went out to the bar last night with my friend Z and it was a lot of fun. It started snowing big fluffy snow flakes and we went out in it and stuck out our tongues. This was fun for less than a minute, then it was just too cold for that kinda nonsense :)

I met a guy online and we met for coffee a couple times. He seemed like a really sweet, normal guy. So we've been out a few more times. He's funny and smart has a great way with words. He's 29 (good age) and not married (also key). I like him. I was a little ambivalent at first b/c he's 6'5" and I'm almost 5ft. He wasn't kidding at all on his profile when he listed that as his height. He's also much leaner than any other guy I've dated before. I was a little worried about being a much shallower person than even I had realized before because both these superficial things really bothered me at first. My friends told me, "you're just looking for excuses, give the guy a chance...how would you like it if he said, she's funny, cute and really nice but just too short".
After all, I was really attracted to him from his emails. In person, when we're sitting, the height thing doesn't occur to me at all. He has really pretty blue eyes which says something that I even noticed at all. It usu takes me forever to figure out what color a guy's eyes are, I guess I don't often pay enough attention. But I noticed his so I think that's a good sign.

So I'm glad I didn't freak out in front of him about it. My Mum says I should just wear heels all the time now. :)

I'm taking things slowly, who knows if it'll become serious or not. For now, I'm having fun with him every time we go out together. So I'm just going to relax and enjoy it.

it's 2am and...

2007-11-22T02:19:00.000-05:00

...I'm still up. Went to a late movie and haven't been really sleepy. No work tomorrow so I'm not really bothered. Did plan to go to the 9am service though. Guess that'll depend now on whether I'm able to get up tomorrow/today. I've set my alarm for it since I can then sleep for the rest of the day. Going to C&T's for dinner and am looking forward to that.
Thanksgiving is not such a big deal to me. Christmas is the time of year when I feel off if I'm not with my family so that's the holiday I plan for. Thanksgiving is good though b/c we always get both Thur and Fri off. I'm all about time off :)

We saw "Dan In Real Life" tonight. Didn't have very high expectations for it but I thought it'd be cute, maybe even funny. It was better than we expected. I kinda lost it during a certain scene where "Dan" takes center stage - he looks like he's having a seizure but he's not. When/if you see it, you"ll understand what I mean. I couldn't contain myself and laughed out loud for the whole scene and it was all I could do to keep myself to intermittent giggles once the scene was over. By then my eyes were wet and my sides hurt a little :)
I think the last time, I laughed this much was partly through "Little Miss Sunshine" and during most of "Stranger Than Fiction". Boy, did I enjoy both of those movies. So if you're in 2 minds about seeing "Dan" I say, definitely see it. Not that my opinion means anything as far critically acclaimed films go but I know what I like and I see what I like.
I tend to be more in the mood for a drama/comedy movie than for a dark/mostly violent movie no matter how well acted/directed it is. I like to re-think the parts that made me laugh and sometimes I manage to chuckle at the memory of it as well. With a darker film, I try not to think about the disturbing images even though I do enjoy such movies from time to time.
I should try to get some sleep now.

Seven Songs

2007-11-21T18:58:00.000-05:00

Anna tagged me for this :)

1. Half Acre...Hem - I found this song b/c I was looking for the song to the liberty mutual ad(can be found on YouTube) and found this in my search.

2. Teardrop...Massive Attack - I'm really into House these days and it's the theme song for it, it was just in my head so I went out and got their CD Mezzanine.

3. Slowly...Macy Gray - I really love the lyrics to this song, "slow-ow-ly, why can't we just take our time" in Macy G's lovely raspy voice.

4. Lips Of An Angel...Hinder - I don't quite agree with the lyrics b/c it's basically a song about cheating but I love the arrangement, and his voice, and the guitars are perfect, not too much or too little.

5. Like A California King...Everclear - I discovered this when I was listening to this everclear album I've had for a few years now but never noticed this song, it even has a bonus bit at the end. With lyrics like "I will burn you just like teenage love, I will eat you just like meat" I can't resist, not exactly a happy song.

6. It's Beginning To Get To Me...Snow Patrol - I've been listening to this song every morning on the way to work, it wakes me up. Love the lyrics, "you are the only thing that makes sense, just ignore all this present tense".

7. Bright Lights...Matchbox Twenty - one of their best songs.

It was tough to only choose seven :)

I suppose I have to tag...Eddie, SFC and ESC

open letter to...

2007-11-21T18:17:00.000-05:00

Those germ-infected people at my job...the ones who cough, sneeze, hawk (we use this word in Trini dialect but I've never heard an American use it in this context) and spit(in the lab sink), who constantly blow your nose and never wash your hands after all these activities or put your hand to your mouth.

You have tried to infect me for the last 2 weeks...it seems like everywhere I turned there was another one of you infected people...coughing or hawking in my direction. I don't know if you all have consumption or some awful virus or chest infection. I do wish that you would cover your mouths, wash your hands more frequently and see a damn doctor to get some antibiotics or something before you succeed in infecting me with whatever-the-hell-it-is you have. Once the infection has left you, you'll be ok, I, on the other hand will probably end up with pneumonia once that crap gets settled into my asthmatic lungs.

Sincerely,
Petra(I live in fear)

Well, not really but I could really do without the inconvenience of having to adjust my asthma meds again, I'm finally down to the minimum dosages again.

un-posted

2007-11-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

I wrote a fairly lengthy post and saved it as a draft. It was not very flattering to me or the guy I was talking about. It felt good to get it off my chest if only on the screen. I think it's for the best that I left it un-posted.

2007-11-09T23:12:00.000-05:00

Finally made it to the gym Wed night after a 2-month-long vacay...from the gym :)
I did free weights for 30min then treadmill for 20min. I felt great when I was done. All energized and healthy - I know I've only gone one day this week but it's a start. I'd have gone tonight as well but it that time of the month and my cramps though manageable with Midol are still present. Also have some muscle aches from my workout Wed but no more than I expected after my long absence. I had my yearly physical/gyno appt this week as well. That was as much fun as you can imagine (grimace). I haven't gained any net-weight since last year (since I lost the extra lbs I gained over Christmas by March). I'm lucky in a way that my job entails me being on my feet and walking around, up and down stairs several times a day.

I've also decided to make an effort to get at least 5 fruit and/or veggies a day. My current diet was sorely lacking in these areas. I might have been getting 2 serving of them at most a day if that.
I cooked a huge pot of lamb stew Mon night into which I put potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, carrots, coriander, bay leaves. I also cooked acorn squash separately and chucked it in at the end. it came out really great. I even skimmed off the top layer of fat the next day and then froze it in portions. Normally when I make lamb stew I don't skim it off, I just portion it out incl. all the yummy congealed fat which turns into deliciousness when reheated :)
I also bought several packs of frozen veggies for stir-frying and also bought this nifty spicy stir-fry sauce. Well they weren't kidding about it being hot. I don't like to use the stir-fry sauce that comes with the frozen stir-fry veg b/c it's usu just high fructose corn syrup, coloring and other artificial nonsense which always seems to have very little flavor and too much salt. I have to add additional noodles (Ramen ones) to it to make it edible. I like Ramen noodles but don't use the packets of "salt" that come with them. After the whole too-spicy dish, I also got some of this regular stir-fry sauce. Maybe a mix of the two will give me just the right mix of spiciness and flavor that I seek :)

Went out Thurs night for drinks with a friend from work. It was fun, we hung out with her roomies' bf and his friends. It was a local bar known for it variety of beers on tap. It was standing room only, literally wall-to-wall people. We stayed out till 11:30 or so. I was so exhausted when I woke up this morning, I felt like crap and I thought I'm too old for this shit. I only had one beer. Maybe I should have left at 10. I didn't get there till 8:30 but still 1 1/2 hrs is more than enough time to socialize. Plus most people there have probably not already worked 40hrs by Thurs night like I(and my friend) have so being out late is not a problem. It was fun though.

This morning, it was a little rough going. I didn't accomplish much today at all. Our group went out to lunch at PF Chang's. It was delicious. Plus we left at 11:50 and didn't get back until 2:30m. Takes a while for 11 people to have appetizers and entrees :) Took care of a big chunk of the day and the rest of it went by in a blur.
I'm tired. I think I'm going to bed now.

dating tips continued...

2007-11-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

9a. If you prefer Caucasian/Asian women and you state this in your profile - do not email me/send me ice-breakers. (I have pictures and also clearly state that I'm Black).

9b. If you are a Caucasian male who prefers all races except Black and you state this in your profile - do not email me/send me ice-breakers.

10. If you are 20yrs older than my upper age limit, forget about it.

I wish they would leave this field set to "any" even if they do have a preference. I supposed it's good that they don't b/c at least I can weed them out from the get-go. The ones with the most exclusive racial preferences are always the guys who say in their profile...I'm an open, well-rounded guy, blah, blah, blah...if you were really open and well-rounded, race would not be an issue imho. This is the first thing I look at. I don't want to get excited over a guy's profile only to find out that he prefers to date every other race but my own and is willing to state that fact. I have no problem with people who prefer to date within their race. That's fine and I'm all about personal choice. What I don't like is guys who still write me anyway when they clearly don't want a Black woman.

dating tips

2007-11-01T22:59:00.001-04:00

I posted this entry the other day about tips the yahoo personals sent about what to write in an email.
They should give tips like these instead...

1. Do not type in all CAPS or all lower case, use punctuation. What are you? animals? No, it is not a cute writing style.
2. Do not post unflattering pictures of yourself - if that's the only one you have, get out and have someone take a better picture of you. Speaking of pictures, do not post pictures of yourself taken from below the chin - unflattering on everyone.
3. Do not continue to stalk someone/send emails/continually check the profile of people who kindly sent you an email indicating they were not interested.
4. Please use the spell check option if you can't spell, it's nothing to be ashamed of - unless you spell words like intelligent incorrectly. Conveys doubt.

That's all I can come up with on the fly. Any other suggestions?

Oh and as a side note: why do old men who smoke keep writing me when I have a specific age range 10 or more yrs younger than they are? I'm asthmatic, smokers are a deal-breaker. They don't know that but they should know that I also specified non-smoker.

lars and the real girl

2007-11-01T22:40:00.000-04:00

I checked and it was going out of the theaters soon so I ate my dinner in a hurry and went out to see it tonight. I missed the first couple minutes I think but not enough to spoil it. I enjoyed it. I laughed a lot. It was sad and cute and funny.

I've seen a ton of movies lately. I've given up on rationing myself. I'm trying to see only movies I really want to see, not just ones I'm lukewarm about.

Next, I want see Martian Child with John Cusack. Kinda wanted to see American Gangster when I first saw the previews for it 3 months ago but now, not so much. Also want to see Dan in Real Life but I'm going to catch that one on DVD.

Gone Baby Gone is probably a great movie but I'm going to give it a miss - how many times have they done the kidnapped young child and tortured detectives. Feels like I've seen it already.

I've been waiting for almost half the year for The Golden Compass. I hate when they show you a great preview and you have to wait forever before hte movie comes out.

what i love about online personals...

2007-11-01T22:31:00.000-04:00

...that they tell you their age/height/race in their profile bio even though it is there in the basic stats of your profile - meaning you should write something other than what's there

...that they are looking for someone stable(mentally) - I've seen this on more than one profile...as opposed to what? Are there people out there who prefer someone unstable?

...people who type their entire profile in CAPS - Morons

...people who send you a long drawn-out (4-paragraph) email the first time they write you - why invest all that when you don't even know if the person's interested. Try an ice-breaker instead like hi, like your profile, etc.

...stalkers, I mean, people who check out your profile every day but never send you emails

2007-10-31T22:59:00.000-04:00

I'm only 3 months into my current lease. This means it's going to be a long torturous 9months until I can move. My neighbors, the morons and their demon spawn are driving me freakin insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the fog

2007-10-30T22:27:00.000-04:00

I like fog. Don't care much for driving through it, especially at night. I kinda like driving through it in the early morning but I can't fully enjoy the experience b/c I'm afraid that some idiot will be driving too fast and crash into me...which puts a damper on my joy. I do like the fog though. It's crazy and weird. I wish I had the time to just stand outside and enjoy it...walk through it :)
I'm usu on my way to work when it appears so I do have time to mess about. There is no fog where I'm from. Maybe that's why I'm so fascinated by it.

earlyish day

2007-10-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

The power went out today just after our 2hr group meeting. It was around 4pm. I was planning to leave early to get my allergy shots - by early I mean before 5-how sad is that? Anyhoo, we trouped into lab quickly to turn off the instruments/machines and such to prevent them from being ruined by power surges - and then were kind of loitering around as people in other groups were as well. Only the emergency lights were on in the hallways.

Power outages mean that not only do our computers go down but also our hoods go down. This means we have to get out of the labs if we are in them b/c the air quality gets really bad. I went to lab one last time to check my lab notebook and saw our group leader doing a walk-through, she told me that we should probably go home as it was after 4pm. I immediately told my colleagues, grabbed my bag and got the hell out of there. I got to my car and drove as if the hounds of hell were after me. Well, almost :) She didn't have to tell me twice.

The power was also out in our building across the street(where my park was parked) b/c a lot of them were outside in the parking lot just standing there. We(my co-workers and I) are so conditioned that whenever the power goes out, we don't leave unless we get an official word regardless of time of day. We usually don't get one. Eventually, individual managers can tell their reportees whether or not to leave. It's a little sad but that's the way it is. Some people feel very proud of the fact that they waited 2-3hrs in the parking lot until the power came back. Losers! I usually try to find my manager to see what the word is.
Even though I had to go get my allergy shots, I didn't care, I was just glad to be leaving work while it was still light out :)

Online dating

2007-10-12T21:22:00.000-04:00

My snarky-short profile online has gotten more views in the 2 weeks it's been up than the well-thought-out, much-edited one I made the last time I tried online personals for 6 mths. I keep getting ice-breakers from guys wihtout pics. C'mon, they wouldn't really respond to a woman without knowing what she looked like. What do they take me for.

Also I'm intrigued(not) by the guy who's 41 (my upper age limit is 38), with no photo, who wrote me "we seem to have a lot in common". What? Like...we're both humans who live in NY...cause I fail to see how my profile which clearly says that I'm looking for man aged 27-38, non-smoker, no kids preferred, wants kids eventually - I don't see what we have in common at all.
His profile has inexplicable numbers in place of words...it's like some sort of puzzle...oh wait, it's code for his email...clever. He not only has kids but is looking for someone who 'loves his kids' (sight unseen I imagine), doesn't want any more kids, smokes, and thinks we have a lot in common. Am I missing something? I don't think so.

One cute guy did send me an ice breaker saying "he liked my smile". So I sent him one back saying "i bet you say that to all the girls". Cute, right? Apparently not, b/c he then sent me one saying, "sorry to hear we're not a match, thanks for letting me know". Again, I'm confused. He sounded like a guy I would like to get to know, at least on paper. I thought about writing him to explain - of course to do that I would have to fork over money). I did not pursue it further mainly b/c he's 24. I'm so over trying anything at all with a guy more than 5 yrs younger than me - that's my new cut-off. Also b/c his profile says he's looking for someone aged 18-28. No more pursuing guys who clearly are looking to date an infant.

I can't take any guy seriously who says he wants a woman aged 18- or 21- when they are in their 30s,40s or 50s. What are they really going to talk about with an 18yr old. Seriously?

I lot of these guys think 38 means anything from 41 to 60. And those extra 20yrs were rough, hard years. These men look way too old. I can give or take a couple years but not if they look 60 at whatever age they claim to be (41-50-something).

Still, this is fun and I'll keep at it for a while until it ceases to be amusing :)

online dating, sort of

2007-10-07T16:48:00.000-04:00

So I've been checking out the online dating profiles again, just for fun and b/c I'm bored. I had to make a profile b/c yahoo doesn't let you scan profiles anymore unless you have one of your own. So I made a quick one. Yahoo sends me all these silly "dating tips" things. The list below is a list of 10 questions they suggest you can ask to keep things "flirty and fun"

1. Where did you get that fantastic smile?
2. What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
3. What is the most romantic place that you've been on a date?
4. What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
5. If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
6. What is your favorite thing to do with a partner for fun?
7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
8. How long have you played guitar? (Ask about something in their profile.)
9. Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (Compliment something in their photograph.)
10. When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)

If someone asks me #1, 2, 3, or 4, I wouldn't really be keen on them. IN fact, it'd probably turn me right off them. Where did you get that smile? What kind of question is that? Surely guys can come up with something better than that. As for #10, how can I know whether I'd want to kiss someone or even entertain that idea without meeting them. If guys who get this same email from yahoo ask me any of the 5 questions...instant deal-breakers for me. Maybe this is why I'm alone.

a lovely day to be out

2007-10-07T15:32:00.001-04:00

Had a really good day yesterday. I've been meaning for a while to visit some of the local parks in the area - there are many in new york state and several of them within 30-45min drive from where I live so I really have no excuse for not seeing any of them. So Sat, I slept in till 10am then got up and puttered around my apt a bit. Around 2pm I was ready to go out and see some nature :) I had to get gas, mail a couple packages, then I was off. I was able to find it fairly easily - only took one wrong turn, I realized immediately and reversed to take the right one. Luckily there was only 1 car behind me and it was not very close :) It cost $6 to get in and park, not bad. The lake was very pretty and quite calming. There were several families scattered around with campers and such on the way to the lake (10mph speed limit :).

At the lake itself, there were one or two canoes, kayaks and the occasional loud jet-ski in the distance. I had a couple snacks with me and water, my ipod, books and camera. I even brought along my sketchbook in case I felt like doing a little drawing. Took a few pictures...

I spent almost 2 hrs there, just relaxing and enjoying my book. It was great. Then I felt a lone raindrop, looked up and the sky had darkened a bit. So I packed up and headed out. None too soon, within 10min it was pouring. I imagine that many of the people who were now walking down to the lake as I was leaving were soaked to the skin. I stopped at a lookout point after 15min of driving - the rain had slowed a bit to a fine drizzle. I took a couple pictures. Such a fantastic view. It soon started pouring again so I quickly got back in my car, checked my map to get my bearings, then was off for home.

I will have to go back. Maybe earlier in the day so I could stay longer. I wanted to be on my way home before it got dark - less chance of getting lost that way :)

I'm going back in a couple weeks, by then I think most of the leaves would have turned or started turning, and it should be really lovely for picture taking.

c'est la vie

2007-10-01T22:24:00.001-04:00

I had plans for Sat. I was going to breakfast most likely with T around 10ish then apple-picking with E and crew at 1pm. Then maybe dinner at E's as well.

I'd been nagging AK aka my crush/my former crush/the enemy since before my week off to my sis' wedding, to do something for his birthday which was this past weekend. He vetoed all my suggestions but couldn't come up with any of his own either. So Thurs I see him and say, well you have my number if you think of something, call me. So he comes over to my lab late Fri evening and asks if I want to go to a BBQ with him Sat. It was being given by his boss for all the guys in his lab as well as a few other managers. He said they told him he could bring a date(and I quote) and he asked if I wanted to go with him as his date.

So I kinda balked (in my mind - thinking that I wanted to date him but didn't want it public knowledge until we at least had a few regular dates...I didn't want to appear to be dating him before we actually went out on a real date). Anyhoo, I asked what time and he didn't say exactly, just that we could prob go after I came back from picking apples. So I told him my plans for Sat - and said he could call me and we'd see. So he called me around noon and said he wanted to go at 1pm. So I told him I'd prob be back by 3pm and asked if that was ok. He said that was fine. He didn't say no to my suggestion. He didn't ask if I could go with him at 1pm instead. I would have totally bailed on picking apples and gone earlier if he'd asked. He acted like it was fine - I thought we had a plan. I was so excited then. I feel really foolish now.

So I went to pick apple/drink some cider with my friends and we got back just after 3, and I drove over to his apt - he lives less than 5min from E. I get there and he comes out and we start driving over. Then he tells me that he actually went to the party at 1pm after all and just came back for me. So now I'm a bit confused. B/c he didn't tell he was still planning to go earlier. So now I'm feeling a little weirded out. We get there 15min later. I knew almost eveyone there from work -except for their wives. We said hello to the host and went in to get some food on his invitation. We get back outside and there aren't many seats free. There are 2 seats next to each other and one more separated by a lot of space and a table. He sat in the chair furthest away. So I took the seat closest to him (which was not very close at all) and kinda dragged my chair a little closer. The sun was shining directly in our eyes if we looked straight ahead. I tried to make conversation with him but it was difficult with our seats and the sun. eventually one of the wives came and sat in the empty seat next to me and we chatted for a while. After a while we went in to get some dessert. We came back out and more chairs were free so I took one by the table. There were 3 chairs free, 2 on one side of me and 1 on the other. Guess where AK decides to sit when he comes back outside - not in any of the free seats near me but instead he sat in a chair almost at the edge for the deck. Almost like he wanted to make sure people didn't mistake us for a couple. He kept up this bizarre sitting as far as possible from me thing for half our time there. We're friends, or at least I thought we were. If he didn't want them to think of us as a couple, he shouldn't have asked me to go with him in the first place. Friends go as each other's date to things like this, don't they? I don't know, maybe he was miffed b/c I didn't go with him from 1pm. I just don't know. Eventually the host asked him to start a campfire and handed him some kindling. Does he ask me to join him or follow or anything? No. He just got up and proceeded to walk over to the campfire area, so I followed and said I like to see too. After that he was a little more friendly towards me. Not in any way that might be construed as being boy-friendly but at least he'd stopped acting like I had cooties or something.

I was very hurt by this. I just don't understand. On the drive back I wanted to ask him if he managed to get as far enough away from me as he wanted. But I didn't know how to ask without doing something embarrassing like crying or shouting irrationally at him. So I didn't say anything then. And I'm not going to...ever.

I saw him as I was leaving work today, we were both leaving at the same time. Usually I would walk over to him and we'd chat for a while. Not today. I said hi and kept walking towards the door as we were casually chatting about the day's work (we usu park in different parking lots so we go out different doors). After a couple minutes, I said bye and left. Go me! He seemed friendly and somewhat flirty like he normally is. Whatever. I'm done. I don't understand but that's fine. I don't have to understand. He was kind of a jerk to me on Sat. It was a good thing that I actually knew most of the people there from work else I'd have been not only sitting by myself but would also have been stuck trying to make small talk with strangers.

I just expected more and got much less than I'd bargained for. C'est la vie! or at least C'est ma vie!

In Macy Gray's song, Everybody, she says "you're either enemy or you are the friend". I really like that line :-) AK is now the enemy. or maybe I am?

music

2007-09-30T23:08:00.000-04:00

at the wedding, we danced to music from the late 70s, the 80s and early 90s. All the dances involving specific movements, we danced to most of them...the macarena? yes...the electric slide? yes...also to several other songs that didn't have movements/dances per se, we made up movements them or rather my sis and the best man made up movements and we all followed along. It was great fun. Since then, I've been listening to many old faves, not all played at the wedding but still from around that time like...
i think we're alone now...debbie gibson
heaven is a place on earth...belinda carlyle
it must have been love...roxette
super trooper...abba
material girl...madonna
the sidewinder sleeps tonight...R.E.M.
tell it to my heart...taylor dayne
hungry heart...bruce springsteen

also got a few CDs while in the UK - actually my sis got them for me as a thank-you. Picked up Macy Gray's latest "Big". It is an awesome CD. I've been playing 3 or 4 of the songs over and over. The best tracks are Strange Behaviour, Slowly, Get Out and One For Me. Treat Me Like Your Money and Ghetto Love aren't too shabby either. I think this is the first Macy Gray CD that I've listened/liked almost all the way through.
Also got Norah Jones' "Not Too Late", Haven't found any I really like on the CD yet. But I haven't really given it a good listen yet so who knows.
Also got "Sam's Town" by the Killers and "the Open Door" by Evanescence as well as a rock compilation CD "greatest rock ballads". It has many gems on it including "because the night" by patti smith, "can't fight this feeling" by reo speedwagon, and even "eternal flame" by the bangles. Couldn't pass up the chance to own that now could I?

I'm in a slightly better frame of mind than I was earlier - took my inhaler during my mini-meltdown and that helped in addition to some deep-breathing exercises.
I should have known that things couldn't possibly go anywhere from the moment he said "who's ABBA?".

2007-09-30T22:15:00.000-04:00

sometimes its all I can do just to get through the day, get up, take my meds, eat. go to work. come home. sleep.

I thought it was a date-date. But it was not. It was just a friend-date. I think. All I know is that I'm very disappointed. And a little surprised. I shouldn't be surprised though. It's not like it is any different from before. Couldn't even really cry about it last night. Too sad.

Feeling very sorry for myself right now. But this'll pass. I know it will eventually but I just can't see it yet.

Had several muscle spasms this weekend in both my hands and feet. It kinda scares me when it happens several times in one day. I wish I could stop taking these stupid medicines. But I can't. I could but then I'd probably end up in the ER or hospitalized. I can't deal with either of those options.

2007-09-30T22:09:00.000-04:00

My sister's wedding went well, both she and her new husband enjoyed the day. Many of the guests remarked that it was one of the best weddings they've been to.
It was a beautiful day with lots of sunshine and laughter and love.
Got many pics of the family. We danced from 7pm till midnight. It was a good day.

I had a few too many glasses of champagne and wine. Was up until 3am with the last stragglers from the wedding. Chatting away. I think maybe if I lived there, I'd have to fend the men off with a stick. Not like here. Where it's all I can do to even get them to ask me out or call or do ANYTHING.

2007-09-18T00:35:00.000-04:00

Still up, almost done packing. Just so tired I'm moving in slow motion. Maybe I should just go to bed and wake up early to finish. It's already 12:30am I really need sleep now.
I'm so looking forward to this week off from work.
I'll be off for England tonight, I'm leaving straight from work, doing a 1/2 day.
I so need this vacay and it'll be great to see my family and celebrate my sis wedding.

sticking with goog

2007-08-31T23:01:00.000-04:00

I'm a Google girl. I've a curious mind and simply must know the answer to things that people ask or that randomly come up like...
...do ducks have ears?...yes, no pinnae but have special feathers, auriculars, covering their 'ear-holes'
...can turtles hear? yes. Do they have ears too? yes they also have inner ears.
...do turtles also have special feathers?...obviously a smart-aleck comment :)

In lab, when stuff like this comes up, if no one has a convincing answer, then someone has to google it? immediately if possible :)
We also check dictionary.com fairly often if we can't all come to a concensus on the spelling of a certain word. Got to do something while our reactions are reacting, right? :)

ask.com has an almost cool ad to try to convince people to switch over from Google...they almost had me thinking of trying them out until the phrase "instant getification". Getification? A made up word? No thanks.

Nadal just won his match against Tipsarevic. TipsyRay retired finally. About time too, kept holding his ribs. Had them taped in the most peculiar way and also massaged in an odd way but continued playing. I was afraid it would turn into another farce like last night's James Blake vs fabrice Santoro match. Santoro played one point then jumped up and down for the trainer to massage/ice/rub his legs then played another point and stopped for another treatment. It was ridiculous. I was glad Blake was able to win in the end. Santoro seemed to be really faking it to me or at the very least over-doing it. I wanted to tell him to stop being such a wuss and either retire like a man or suck it up and play. I did actually shout this at my tv :)
I do get quite passionate sometimes about tennis, baseball too.

mini epiphany

2007-08-31T21:53:00.000-04:00

Just realized something...I have not been exercising (only been to the gym 3-4x this month) and I have not been sleeping well at all. Coincidence? Probably not. Got to work on that.

2007-08-28T22:59:00.000-04:00

Finally, finally, some of my chemistry has been working. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much. I've been assigned additional targets that are similar to ones I've made previously. my boss has been on vacation/to science conf. for the last 2-3 weeks ans has only been to work 3-4 days during that time. It's been fantastic and will not last so I'm savoring every moment.

my dilemma

2007-08-28T21:46:00.001-04:00

Last night is the first night in ages that I've been able to fall asleep in my bed soon after getting in. I only got ~5 1/2hr sleep but it was a continuous 5 1/2 hr and that really makes a difference. I also slept fairly well the night before but I slept on my futon (intentionally) b/c it was too hot in the bedroom.

Had a nice chat today with my current crush aka my boy-toy :). I know it's not going anywhere and that's probably for the best. He's so cute though, all the way through. There are guys who are more good looking, more muscular, my age, etc. but none give me tingles in quite the same way as this guy does. It's sad and little pathetic, I know but there are moments...moments when I'm completely content...content to just listen to him talk about anything. He's very witty and quick. I do like a smart man, I do. I never have to explain things, he's gets it right away.

I kinda want to ask him to go to this festival with me. I want to go partly b/c Teada will be playing/for an opportunity to hang with him. When we hung out at our company picnic, it was great fun. He never left my side. It was very cool. I want to hang out with him, outside of work, but I don't know how to bring this about without seeming desperate or like a complete dork. Therein lies my dilemma.

movies, movies, movies

2007-08-22T23:01:00.000-04:00

I've seen 5 of the movies currently in theaters. I'm out of control. Yeah I am b/c I was trying to have a movie budget. See 1 movie or so a month. I'm way past that now.
I've even seen one of them twice (harry potter). I don't usu buy anyting to eat, I eat before I go to see a movie most times and also sneak in my own bottled water so I'm really only paying for the ticket. But at $8.50-10/movie it adds up real fast.
I guess it's not such a big deal. It's not like I have kids or pets that are going without so I can see all these movies :) So what movies have i seen in the last month? (I know you're dying to know - all 2 of you :)

The Bourne Ultimatum was non-stop fast-paced action. My friend Z and I went. She and I both love Matty-Matt aka Matt Damon. If you blink during this movie you will miss stuff. We tried not to blink.

Becoming Jane was ok, not quite as good as I expected it to be from previews.

No Reservations - I kinda enjoyed this one, though C. Zeta Jones is "not at all vulnerable" as I think the character was in the original movie - which I plan to see soon. I think the chemistry between the 2 main characters took longer to develop than the story implies.

Ratatouille - a fun movie, even if you have an aversion to rats. They're almost cute in this movie and the main character is totally cute. I think he's cute b/c he's blue and less rat-like than a brown/black rat would be.

Sunshine - not my usual kind of movie. My friend S recommendation, it was better than I expected until the last 15-20 min. At that point it went from science fiction to slasher movie. Still don't get it.

Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix - I had to see this since I've seen all the others. I felt like stuff was missing though in a way different from the other movies. I'm inclined to read the book now. I haven't felt the need to read any of the other books before.

battle scars

2007-08-22T22:19:00.001-04:00

I've been having trouble sleeping again. Last Fri I took the day off...mainly b/c most of my lab co-workers were also taking the day except for my boss and one other guy. Yeah, definitely a good call. Good thing too b/c I could not get to sleep. I spent most of last thurs night awake. I tried to get to sleep but couldn't. I didn't actually sleep until 5am Fri morning. I slept till 11am. Kind of a waste of a day off. I keep having these nights where I can't sleep at all or can't stay asleep and keep waking every couple hrs. I decided to take a couple tylenolPM last night since I also had a sinus headache. I took them at 7pm and by 9 I was really sleepy. So I went straight to bed. Woke up at 3am and didn't really nod off again until ~5am. Groggily woke up at 730am. Go to work at 8:40am. Later than I would like to.
It's only Wed and I'm exhausted. Had long meeting today and had to prepare/present slides - tons of bio data plus the structures of compounds tested. Took me a couple hrs to put them together - I'm not used to going through the database so it took me quite a while to find the info I needed and then arrange everything in Powerpoint. All in all, 8 slides. Luckily we only have to present once or twice a month. I am not cut out for staring at the computer for too long. I'd much rather be in lab even though most of that time I'm on my feet.

I took Benadryl last week at night b/c I had a major local reaction to my allergy shots. It knocked me right out at 7pm, woke up at 2am but went back to sleep shortly after that till my alarm. Woke up feeling groggy. Lately I've been having local reactions to my allergy shots, particularly the dust mites and mold ones. I get 3 shots every other week or so and the dose seems to have reached some sort of threshold for both of these. The 3rd shot is combo pollens one and that one is fine - no local reaction. Last week, I had to take Benadryl, my arm still had a huge hive on it for 2 days. Local reaction is kind of like a huge hive. They measure them in different degrees e.g size of a pea, a nickel, a quarter, a half-dollar. My latest reaction was 8cm across. They don't have a denomination for that. It was pretty knarly. Didn't stop me from showing all my friends like it was some kind of battle scar I was proud of :)

too old for facebook

2007-08-22T20:53:00.000-04:00

I think I am b/c I just don't understand why people want me to add them as friends when they have nothing to say to me...ever. Oh they say a quick hi when they want you to add them, then nothing. I don't get it. Maybe I'm just too old for this.

glass half-full again

2007-08-07T20:04:00.001-04:00

I'm in a much better frame of mind now than I was when I wrote that last post. Getting it all out helped a bit, I think. My boss is on vacation this week so I'm dealling with his boss instead. She's much more reasonable and her suggestions make more sense than my boss usually does. He either doesn't understand me or he is unable to express himself in English enough to get his point across. When I'm looking for feedback, he asks me the dumbest, most irrelevant questions, instead of helping me address the issue(reaction) at hand. It's like pulling teeth sometimes. Enough. NO more talk of him. I'm just going to try to enjoy this week.

I'm still working on the difficult stuff but I've also gotten a few other targets to make that are similar to ones I've had success with in the past. I've gotten more done in the past 2 days than I did all last week. My motivation was virtually non-existent then. I find that I can get so much more done when I have 5-6 targets to make as opposed to just 1 or 2 sucky ones.

I did a couple paintings on the weekend, one is finished and the other is half-way done. The finished is not very good but I did it more as a distraction than anything else. It was good just to paint something. They both feature painted lines. I'm going to try to paint more, maybe 2-3 times a week. I think that'll also help me relax more - take my mind off of everything but the paint.

basically screwed

2007-08-05T02:39:00.000-04:00

Every 6 months we are supposed to have informal reviews of our work. For most people, this means a 5 min chat or sometimes even less and it is actually informal. Not for me, as usual my supervisor of the moment reserved a conference room for my "informal" review. And as usual, the same shit. I seem to be doing as expected of someone at my level. He mistakenly thought I have been there 3yrs instead of 5. HE should know. He's seen my other evaluations. Surely with only one person reporting to him, he should know that much. Also as usual, he said "someone" told me they think you talk to people too much, I don't have a problem with it, b/c you have to talk sometimes in lab. To make thinks "fun"...the first 3 months you were very productive but now your productivity has dropped off a bit and so maybe it might have something to do with that. What do you think of that?"

I told him that I'm not talking any more or less than usual. No more now than before when my rpoductivity was much higher. My current chemistry is difficult chemistry that has not been done before so of course it's taking me a while, plus it's a long, multi-step synthesis with shitty yields. Of course it'll take longer. I told him I would try and talk a bit less and he seemed satisfied with that.
I wonder if they say "someone told me they think you talk too much" when they really mean that they do. I could almost accept that. It's the whole idea of someone so vindictive that they want to get me in trouble so they go to my boss and say these things. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

I feel so trapped by this job. Every year I have to listen to this fucking shit from these morons. It wouldn't be so hard to take if maybe the fuckers had thought of promoting me like they have every other chemist at my level who started around the same time I did (some deserving and others who are complete morons without a lick of common sense). It'd be a little easier to swallow their shit. Basically, they want me be a different person. This makes me so angry, I want to scream sometimes. It also depresses me. I spend way less time than most on the phone/the internet/at lunch/on coffee breaks. That never seems to matter to these mofos. I can't just leave this job. For one thing, I can't afford to. For another, I'm not trained for anything else. Once my green card paperwork comes through, which could be anything from 6mths to 2yrs, I'm contracted to work for this company for at least 2 yrs after that. I could try to move to a different company at that point but I would just be exchanging these shit-eaters for new ones. Chemists as a whole are generally very similar with few exceptions, they tend to antisocial. I don't know if it's b/c many of them were teased/bullied in school, if that's why they're petty and mean-spirited-at least all the ones I've had as bosses have been.

Maybe, it'd also be easier to deal with if I had someone to talk to. Someone to call when I'm so overwhelmed and depressed that I can't relax enough to sleep. But I don't really have anyone to call. I do have a few friends here. That's true. I don't feel as if I can call anyone at this hour though. Or when I'm at work, I certainly can't call anyone from there to vent.

I just feel so alone most of the time. Every time I meet a guy I think likes me who I really like, nothing comes of it. NOTHING! Only the weirdos ever call or want another date.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. Maybe I should call the psychologist I saw last year and make an appt.

new meds

2007-07-29T10:07:00.001-04:00

I'm trying out a new medication Symbicort for a couple weeks to see how well my body can tolerate it. I'm hoping not to have the same horrible reactions that I had to Advair the last time I tried the combo-meds. If I can use it without substantial side effects it'll make my life a little easier. Especially when I travel to England for my sister's wedding in September. It'll be much less hassle if I don't have to explain that I need to keep some of my meds cold (foradil - needs to be refigerated). Plus I'd also need to have both my flovent(corticosteroid) and albuterol(emergency) inhalers and my rhinocort plus all their prescription boxes with me in additon to my zantac 150. I need to take all of these 2x every day. I missed one morning of taking my zantac and felt really ill for the next 2 days. The burning from the reflux was just awful. I don't imagine that I'll be able to stop taking it anytime soon. This is my life. At least I have a decent prescription plan at work else I wouldn't be able to afford most of my meds. So I'm thankful for that.
I've had a couple hand cramping incidents which lasted about 3-4seconds each in the last week that I've been on the Symbicort. Not ideal but not as bad as with the Advair inhaler I was on a while back. So I'm going to keep taking it for another week and see how it goes.

just a little crush

2007-07-29T09:43:00.000-04:00

Still crushing(am I too old to be even using this word?) on AK aka my boy-toy. Ok, so he's not really my boy-toy but he could be if he wanted to. I've been trying to be real cool and casual and not freak him out by telling him this. A good thing, right? I'm insane. I must be to be entertaining ideas about this boy/man. What else can you call a 22yr-old guy...when you're 32. We had this conversation a while back...it started with me talking about what I did for my last birthday...

AK: so...how old are you now?
Me: guess
AK: 25?
Me: Nope
AK: 26
Me: Not any more
AK: older than 26, ok, 27?
Me: No, I'm 32
AK: 32?...32!...c'mon you're making that up
Me: why would I make up an age older than I am?
AK: Wow, 32, I would have thought 25 for sure. 32...32...
Me: Alright enough ok. Just think of me as 25
AK: I can't anymore, now 32's stuck in my head...

He hasn't brought it up since (else I may have had to deck him)
He and I spent a really fun day hanging out together at our company's picnic. From time to time, I forget that he's 22 and then he opens his mouth and says something really juvenile and I remember. I've told him this. He laughed and said "that's kinda cool, people normally tell me I look 17". This is the crux of my problem.
I'm pretty sure that he's not interested in me and if he was before he found out how old I am, he's not anymore. This should make me feel better but it only depresses me.

AAARRRGGGHHH!

2007-07-29T08:37:00.000-04:00

Have not been in the mood to blog of late. Just so tired and worn out at night after work, many nights I don't even turn my pc on.

My chemistry has been real crap lately. I've been trying to make a couple targets that are 10-12 steps each and usually around the 10th step or so things start looking really bad. Yields are horrible and get worse with each subsequent reaction. I had to explain this to my supervisor on Thurs. I actually knew Wed night but decided to put off telling him till Thur. Also took 1/2 day off on Fri. He wants me to show him all my analytical data for every reaction. As if I'm new and have only been here a few months. Maybe he thinks my yields will improve just by him looking at it. Frankly, I doubt it.

If he does a reaction and it doesn't work well or at all, then it's impossible. If I do a reaction several times and get the same crappy yields each time, then I must be doing something wrong. Unfortunately for me, he's one of those freaks who gets stuff to work that no one else gets to work using the same conditions that were used.

I've been keeping the bastard updated with almost every step. I told him how much material I had going into the last couple steps (which don't really work). I think that it's that particular substrate, not me, that is the real problem. Still he told me, "oh if you only have such a small amt you shouldn't have wasted time continuing". I told him what I was doing and he must not have been listening. I have had 6 supervisors in my 5yrs at this company only 2 of which spoke English as a first language. Why me? is all I can think. Why me? Mostly I think that when I'm feeling sorry for myself as I have this past week. I also think - WTF? frequently. And also - why the f doesn't he leave me the f alone? :-)

I have 3 or 4 other targets assigned to me which they haven't figured out how I'm going to make yet. The ones I'm doing now are supposed to be the easier ones. I am so screwed. I've been very depressed all week. I finally got a small amt of this stupid compound shipped out after working on it for 6 wks. I really wanted to take the whole day off on Fri but figured I might as well go in in the am to check my other reaction(and confirm that it's still not clean after 2 attempts at purifying it).I'm tired of these shit-targets, none of which have been promising in testing, yet we still continue to try to make more variations of them. Sadly, I don't make these decisions...I just try to do what I'm told.

Half-days mean we only have to work 4hrs. So at noon I got the hell out of there. I actually went to the gym and did my weight routine. I've noticed that on the days I exercise, I'm actually able to sleep and sleep well. So I'm trying.

Plus after a work-physical, I've found out that my cholesterol is borderline high. So I'm trying to exercise more and eat a little less portion-wise. My Mum has very high cholesterol which she's controlling with medication so it's in my genes I guess. Also, I'm a bit overweight for my height. Maybe. I'm not entirely convinced about this. I'd just like to lose some/most of the belly/back fat, be more toned and fit. So I'm trying a new regimen where I eat a little less and exercise more. I'm trying for walking 30min 4 days a week + weights 2x/week. That's my goal. Last week I managed to walk 2 days and weights 2 days so I'm getting there. Just have to stick with it.

why I'm still single

2007-07-04T12:21:00.000-04:00

It's impractical and somewhat embarrassing. Almost illegal, well not quite but it feels like it should be. I know there's no future. He's 22. Maybe if I keep telling myself this, it'll just go away. I know it but I can't quite let go of these feelings I have for A. I'm 10yrs older than him. But he's cute and funny and quick-witted and tall but not too tall. I am very attracted to him. There I said it. We look closer in age but that's only b/c I look ~8yrs younger than I am. He's a young-looking 22. I figured that these feelings, this silly crush would go away soon. But it hasn't. Even if he was interested in me, it's not going anywhere. It can't. Can you imagine him telling his mother that he's dating a woman 10yrs older. What kind of a freak would that make me seem like? Truly not worth considering.

Why am I concerned? I really shouldn't be. As long as I don't do or say anything impulsive or stupid...like ask if he wants to have lunch sometime or dinner or whatever. As long as I don't do that, he's probably going to do what almost every other guy I'm met and liked have done - NOTHING. And eventually my feelings fizzle and I can move on with my life. Any day now...still waiting.

I bumped into the EB aka the Dimwit Stalker at the grocery store a couple days ago. In the light of day, he looks old enough to be my father. I think he lied about being 34 or 36 or however old he claimed to be. I don't recall. If he didn't lie he's a very old looking guy. He again insisted that he's "not a bad guy", I simply "misunderstood". Once again I had to explain myself. WTF! Again I told him that I shouldn't have to explain. He also said that "when you have time, drop me an email, as friends, so we can keep in touch". Yeah, right. What is wrong with this guy. How many ways/words do I need to explain that I'm not interested. To explain that no I don't want to be his anything...not his friend...not his girlfriend...certainly not his future wife. I think much of what I say must be lost in translation.

This is what happens when you decide to go out on 2nd date with a guy you are really not attracted to. No more. I am never again going out with a guy just b/c he asks/seems like a nice guy/etc if I'm not attracted to him. I'm just going to say no and be done with it. Could have saved myself a ton of aggravation. So now I have to avoid that grocery as well even though it's the closest to my apt (5min away).

Just the other day I was remarking to Z "it's strange that in such a small place as where we live that I've not bumped into any of the guys I've dated. No a bad thing but still." Not that I want to see them and be forced into awkward conversations with them. Or that there have been that many (can count on my hands and have fingers left over).

To the same friend Z, that I was talking to before, I also confessed that except for the dimwit stalker, I've only dated guys younger than me. Strange but true.

This, in a nutshell, is why I'm still single at 32. The only men who talk to me look 50 or 19. I will not date a man who looks old enough to be my father. My father does not look like he's 60 but he is. I will also not be dating anymore 19yr-olds. Been there, done that, saw the movie, bought the t-shirt and the game. :)
Or guys who look 19 or act like they're 19. You get the picture.

rain and heat

2007-07-02T23:40:00.000-04:00

Last Wed I drove through the worse rain storm ever - should probably have waited it out at work but I was more concerned with getting home so my landlord could put my air-conditioner in the window(it weighs ~100lbs so no way I can do it myself). My apt has been between 84-90° and I wasn't able to sleep well at all. I kept waking up every couple hrs. After 3 days days of this, I was pretty desperate.

It was a horrible drive, the thunder was scary loud and the lightning wouldn't quit. Add to that the poor visibility. What made things worse was that I turned down a side street on my way home and ended up in about 3 1/2 feet of water. I've never seen that much water before on a street except on TV.
A couple cars were stuck in the middle of the road ahead of me. 2 people were wading through it and I was stuck. Several cars were lined up behind me, couldn't reverse. Tons of water in front of me, just had to go though it. I prayed and prayed that my car would keep going. At one point, a large SUV drove past me in the opposite direction and a full wave of water gushed over my car. It was really scary. Finally after an hr I got home - it usu takes 15-20min. Luckily my street is on higher ground. At that point, the rain had died down to a mere drizzle. I got inside and within 5min, it started pouring again outside. I was afraid that my landlord would change his mind about coming by with all the rain but he didn't. He came over and finally I can sleep at night.
When I turned on the AC, I set it at 78° and it groaned and kept making a racket - I think it was too hot for it to keep up. So I raised the setting to 82° and it quieted down a bit. My apt was so hot that the water in Timmy's tank got to be ~86°. His water is supposed to be 78-80 so that he can cool himself down when he needs to and warm himself up by coming out to his basking down which is about 90°(with the basking lamp).

M (who gave me Timmy) and K both think I've been changing Timmy's tank water excessively. Well, they've implied this. I just want him to have a clean tank, is all. I was thinking of getting a pleco - as Matt had suggested - to take care of any algae. But there isn't much algae for a pleco to live on, what with me changing 20-30% of his tank water once a week and 80% every other week. It's not like I have anything better to do. This way, you can't tell that I have a turtle by the smell. Personally the smell grosses me out so it makes more sense for me to change his water water often than to wait until it starts smelling. I've only smelled that smell once and that was enough for me.
Timmy has gotten used to me now and comes right up to my hands when I'm doing his water changes. he's very curious :) He also comes out as soon as I turn off his filter. I've gotten him accustomed to a routine:
-I wake up and turn on his basking lamp
-Turn off his filter
-As soon as it goes off, he comes out of hiding and starts looking around, sticking his head out of the water
-Then I feed him, he usu looks around for a while longer hoping for more food
-Then I turn on his UV lamp and put the filter back on. As soon as he hears/senses the filter, he goes back to hide/hang out in his tree.
As you may have realized by now, I love Timmy :)

Timmaayyy...

2007-07-02T23:25:00.000-04:00

...because I know you can't get enough of him...I also subject my friends and co-workers to the many facets of Timmy :) I'm trying to cut back ;)

...next to my phone for size

...hanging ten

...looking for more food

...trying to figure out why I'm taking pics instead of dropping food in his tank

..ready for his close-up

More Timmy Pics

2007-06-17T10:20:00.000-04:00

I found him like this just before I dropped the feeder fish in.

This is his latest hiding spot - see the biggest fish below him, that's the one he ate first.

You can see the suction cups at the top that he popped out so he could fit behind the posts of his dock.

One week with Timmy

2007-06-17T09:54:00.000-04:00

I never realized before how much joy having a pet could bring. I bought Timmy(my turtle) a few feeder fish - I planned to only get 2 but the sales girl was having trouble just getting 2 of them out of the tank so I just said I'd take the 4. They're only 10c each. Well I put them all in Timmy's tank. After a couple hrs the biggest one (which I thought was too big for Timmy) started looking pretty bad - it was swimming really slowly then just lying on the bottom with only its gills moving, then it'd swim for a little while. I usu let the tap water I pour into Timmy's tank sit for a while before pouring it in to allow most of the chlorine to diffuse out. I don't use any water conditioners so I'm not surprised that the fish had a hard time. I figured I'd wait to see if it started floating on top then I'd just take it out - I didn't think it was small enough for Timmy anyway. After another hr, I looked in the tank and the fish was gone. Gone. Eaten by Timmy. I checked and there wasn't anything left of it anywhere in the tank. So I took the other 3 out b/c I didn't want him to eat anymore that day - he'd already been fed that morning and ate that big fish at night. So the next morning, I dropped one of them in his tank along with his usual pellets(usu 4 little ones), but he didn't seem at all interested in the pellets. I was a little concerned when I came after 15min and saw the pellets still there. Then I remembered that he'd feasted on that big fish. I guess he was full. When I got home that night, the fish in there was gone too. The next morning, I only put 2 pellets in there for him.
Timmy usu hides when I approach his tank and doesn't eat until I move away out of sight. But today I decided to just stand there and see what he'd do - they're supposed to get accustomed to being out around the person who feeds them.

He swam around for a while, then swam to his food (3 pellets + 1 mini shrimp) and gobbled them up one after the other. I didn't realize that he'd eat them that fast. Then he swam right out in front of me, looking for more I guess, then he assumed his usual hiding spot under his basking ramp. He came out briefly to sit on top of the ramp but when I turned around to peak at him (his tank is directly behind my computer chair) he dived to his usu spot. Still , we're making progress b/c he ate with me standing right there. Soon he might also stay on his ramp even when he notices me watching. Some turtles are more shy than other and never get over it enough to bask when you're around. But that's ok.

Pet Pictures

2007-06-12T21:42:00.000-04:00

That's Timmy trying to climb behind the posts for his basking dock. He has managed to pop out the suction cups at the top so that he can fit behind the posts for the dock-that's his new fav spot. I've tried putting them back in place but he manages to pop them out in no time so I just leave it that way now.

This is the full set-up of his tank - his main hiding spot is behind the black filter on the bottom right of his tank.

My turtle

2007-06-12T21:03:00.000-04:00

I got a tank, filter, screen, and other accessories for my new turtle and had it all set up and working for my new pet turtle last night - His full name: Timothy The Turtle aka Timmy T. Turtle or Timmmmy (in my South Park voice). I decided on the name last week. My friends agree that it's a good name for my turtle.

I brought him home tonight. Got him settled in his new home. At first he just hid behind one of the rocks. Then he was trying to get to the surface to breathe and the basking dock was in the way - I almost had a heart attack watching him. I was just about to open the screen to take him out but then he swam around it and was about to breathe. He's fine. I have the tank half-full to accommodate the small filter. I had to move the filter a couple times as Timmy kept swimming too close to the spout and was then pushed back by the filter current. I turned his basking lamp on and when I peaked at him he had climbed on top but as soon as he noticed me he dived back in the water and hid between the rocks. His other fav hiding place is behind the filter. I 'm glad he got up on the dock, I was afraid it might be too much for him as he's so little but he's fine. I think he likes his new home. I'm happy.

babies - so cute

2007-05-26T01:21:00.001-04:00

my future turtle will be one of these babies

for perspective

why I have to move again

2007-05-26T00:37:00.000-04:00

Though I'm not quite up to moving again emotionally, I fear that I'll lose my sanity if I don't. If it was just one thing, maybe I'd not even consider it but there are just too many things that are not right.

The Cons of staying:
- apt cold even though heat is supposedly included in my rent(now it's too hot)
- neighbor downstairs screams at her kids at all hours of the day and night
- said kids scream(like someone is killing them) at all hours of day or night
- said kids run up and down at all hours
- neighbor also snores really loudly at night(I've lost quite a bit of sleep b/c of this)
- I'm uncomfortable telling my stupid neighbors to quiet down when they get too loud b/c said neighbor is the same guy my landlord asked me to leave my back door open for so he can fix the plumbing - don't really want to piss them off
- I got another stupid parking ticket (my 4th since living here)
- there's a weird "moldy" smell in my living room which I can't locate (I've looked and cleaned and moved eveything in that section of the room to no avail - and can only imagine that maybe it's from the guy next door as we share the wall where the smell emanates from. Either that or the mold is in the wall. Ewwww!
- whenever it rains, my bathrm develops a mildewy/moldy smell for a couple days (which I only notice now b/c they never fully put the floor back in...from when they had to fix the leak they caused when they were replacing old iron pipe - all b/c I wanted the water from my bathrm sink to come out at more than a trickle...this lead to a cascade of events leaving me with a partially patched up wall(which they had to remove to replace the pipes after they discovered the leaks) under the sink and a partially covered bathrm floor
- bathrm floor cannot get wet (or so the landlord has told me, neither can the kitchen floor. Why would anyone sane replace the flooring in the 2 places most likely to get wet, with some kind of laminate flooring that "can't get wet" is beyond my understanding.
- they still need to "fix" the pipe from the kitchen which runs through the bathroom (they need to pull out the radiator in the bathrm for this, they plan to do this with me in residence)
- the expense of moving again(though I have had firm offers of help so maybe it won't be nearly as costly as it was last time when I hired movers)

The Pros of moving:
- quiet neighbors (one can hope)
- guaranteed parking = no more stupid parking tickets because they recently changed a stupid sign on your street and a stupid overly large SUV was parked in front of you, blocking the new stupid sign which you would have noticed if stupid SUV wasn't in front of you. can also blame stupid SUV b/c it was stupidly parked in such a way that it was hell fitting into the spot behind it, thereby distracting me enough so that I forgot "no parking Tues night". Phooey.
- heat in winter
- normal sized bathroom(you cannot imagine how small my current one is)
- bigger closets (hopefully)
- maybe even a dishwasher
- no mysterious "moldy/mildewy" smells
- affordable

Does it not sound like I need to move?

another week

2007-05-26T00:13:00.000-04:00

This week didn't start out great but all in all was a good week. Had a slight mix-up with a few compounds I was shipping and recheck/rerun several pieces of data to be sure I had them labeled correctly. I did, thank goodness but I had to check to be certain. My job depends greatly on accuracy and certainty. If stuff goes awry, you need to be able to say that you are 100% certain of things. I was glad I checked and made sure.

My supervisor was his usu surly self but his boss(B2)and his boss's boss (B3) both gave me several compliments this week. I shipped out 4 compounds last week, have 4 going next week and 4 will be ready to go the week after that. I've been working a little extra to get the work done since I was supposed to shift to new targets soon. Anyhoo, they were both impressed with my progress and felt that I had done a great job and shipped the compounds out in record time. It was really nice to have those compliments repeated. Usually when I make a mistake, I have to listen to my boss, B2 and B3 (job culture = hierarchy, chain of command) all tell me about my error and how I should take care not to repeat it in the future, and the steps I need to take to avoid it in the future. So it's nice to have compliments repeated in the same vain.

My group went to lunch this week to say farewell to a co-worker(moved to another project) - I wasn't going to have dessert b/c no one else seemed to want it. Then B3 said, if you want it, get it, you deserve it, you've been working hard (usually the most senior manager there picks up the tab for our group lunches). How cool is that? So I had triple layer chocolate cake. Pretty good cake.

In other news...I'm getting a turtle. For real this time. My friend has one reserved for me (his turtles layed eggs and he incubated them and several of them hatched and are doing well). So now I have to get a tank and stuff for it. I'm so excited. I haven't asked my landlord. I've decided to move again. See "why I have to move again"

stranger than me

2007-05-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

Tonight I rented "Stranger Than Fiction"(STF). I saw it in the cinema but was in the mood for it again tonight. Went to the video store to choose a movie for tonight - I had one free movie coupon left (from reward point from a credit card). I was determined to borrow a movie I hadn't seen before. My choices..."the last king of scotland" or "the good shepherd". I wasn't really in the mood for either of those movies, even though I do want to see them eventually. Felt like something more upbeat and funny. So I went with STF. Such a great movie. The only thing is that when I first saw this movie - I went with several friends. We had horrible seats in the nosebleed section, partly due to the fact that there were 6 of us, we were late and it was opening weekend and the place was packed. Anyhoo, one of the friends with me was C. And I had such a great time watching the movie with him next to me. He and I laughed at many of the same things (that most other ppl weren't laughing at). He was very touchy-feely. Not inappropriately, he only touched my hand or arm from time to time. I liked it, a lot. And later we went for coffee and hung out for a while with a couple other friends. He sat next to me again and seemed so into me. It was a very good night, at least I thought it was. I was sure he'd call soon for us to hang again. He even suggested it himself to me that night. But then...nothing. No calls from him, nothing. This was back in December I think. He hasn't called me since. Several times I started dialing his number but bailed at the last minute before it goes through. Then I recently saw his ad on yahoo personals...for someone other than me...much younger than me...any race but black. I'd almost forgotten about that night. Guess I was trying to block it out b/c it's tied to the other not-so-good stuff.

So there's this guy at the gym who I thought was kinda cute but he seemed shy. I don't have much patience for the shy. I just don't. Anyhoo, finally he comes over to me and talks to me at the gym for quite some time (while I worked out on 3 different machines). So I figure, the next time he sees me, he's going to ask for my number at the very least or ask me out...maybe for drinks or coffee sometime. Well, I was wrong again. I swear, sometimes my love-life (or lack thereof) is a like a country-western song. 5 times now he has come over to talk to me. Does he expect to learn all about me without even paying for a coffee. What am I supposed to think? That he's interested? Or that he's not interested? Whatever I'm supposed to think...what I think now is that he's a weirdo. One of my friends told me I should ask him out for coffee. But I fear if I do this, it'll only confirm my suspicions that he's a weirdo and then I'll end up having to give him that awkward "I'm just not interested in you" talk b/c I was the one who asked him out first.

The other weird thing is that I saw him tonight. Not at the gym(cause you know there's no way I'm going there on a sun), but at the gas station where I decided to go fill up my tank before going to get my movie (the gas station is next door). The weird thing is that he was there at all b/c he lives far away from there (at least 15min or more) whereas I live 5 min from there. The gas is cheaper there than at most stations and he drives an Audi which needs premium grade so maybe it's worth it to him to drive that far. I always wonder about people driving around (wasting gas) to find the cheapest gas. Surely it'd be cheaper to get gas closest to you than to drive further for it. imho, but what do I know. From our conversations...where he never asks me for my number or asks me out...I don't think we have much in common other than the fact that our parents are from the same country. Plus with every meeting, he's becoming less cute and more weird. He totally came up behind me at the gym the other day and I was like "whoa, don't sneak up on me". What does he think? that we have thing now? That he can get into my personal space and I'd be ok with that. Maybe I'm the one who's weird. I just don't think this guy is it.

I have a totally inappropriate crush on a guy at work - he's 22. I'm sure it'll pass. He's funny and and sarcastic and so quick-witted. And 22. I try not to visit his lab anymore so I don't see him much. This is for the best. I couldn't even think about dating this guy ever. Even if he was interested in someone 10 yrs older. He's way too young. Plus, he's a co-worker in my former lab and that would just make me fodder for the rumor mills. Who needs that? I sure don't. I only bring this up b/c I was telling T while we were out at lunch about my crush. Well I started to say " I think my crush is fading, this is good". She said "oooh, the guy from the gym?" And I was like "not him, no way, he's barely even cute anymore, I don't have a crush on him at all. I was talking about a guy here at work". I planned to keep his name to myself for as long as possible. Well until the crush goes away completely. Any day now, it's bound to happen.

I just don't know what to think or do about this guy at the gym. I actually have a name for him - dorkyD. It's a little mean, I know. In my defense all I can say is that, no guy who was interested in me before waited this long to ask for my number. Not even the weirdos. Actually, the weirdos always want my number asap or give me theirs if I refuse to give them mine. The longer he waits, it'll be 3 weeks mon. Granted I only see him a couple times a week at the gym and I only went once last week. I have seen him randomly before though. At the grocery - again far away from where hw claims he lives. Well he has to pass 4 or 5 other groceries to shop at that one. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was stalking me.

I gotta stop this train of thought - obviously, I'm tired and should go to bed now.

motivation

2007-04-23T22:31:00.000-04:00

Trying on swim suits are a great way to motivate yourself into going to the gym.

I was in Target over the weekend and saw a few suits on sale. Tried on a couple (different sizes)and ummm I just put them back and got out of there as fast as I could. Why? It's called back-fat. I have it. It's not pretty. While I do think that the style of the suits were probably not suited to my body shape, I didn't expect them to look that awful from the back. They were one-piece suits with the back cut out. I think a tankini-style suit is probably more my style.

In my head I figured that if I lost ~5lbs I'd be fine...near if not at my optimum weight...anymore than that and I'd start wasting away(or so I thought). The back-fat tells another story though. Maybe I could stand to lose more like 10-15 lbs after all. According to the BMI/body fat charts/calculators, my optimal weight is 25-30lbs less than I weigh. I don't think I need to lose that much. I think I have a medium frame and as such could stand to have more weight than they allow for my height. My actual weight(number) is not what I really care about, I think being able to fit into clothes comfortably would be nice. Not to be hanging over my jeans/belt would also be good. Not to have several creases in my back, ideal. And if I could minimize the love handles to the point where I don't have to name them, perfect.

Finally the kick I needed to get back to the gym. Every day I kept telling myself that today's the day...today's the day that I go back to the gym...but today never seemed to come. I'd end up staying at work too late or be too hungry or too tired or just plain not-in-the-mood. Tonight, no more excuses. I worked out for an hour incl wieght machines/warm up and cool down.

My feet are killing me. My lower back and hamstrings don't feel too great either. Might have done a little too much. That's me, all or nothing. No moderation. Nothing in between.

Another reason I was reluctant getting back to the gym was that I didn't want to answer questions like...were you on vacation? thought you moved? Got a few of those but I had answers ready..."yes I was on vacation [from the gym hehe"] or "yes, it's been a while hasn't it". :) No big deal really. Stuff like this always seems like a bigger deal in my head that they work out to be in reality. I don't always remember that.

I did see a guy that I normally say "hi" to whenever I see him at the gym. I've also bumped into this same guy at the grocery store. I kept telling myself that one of these days he's going to have enough courage to actually come up to me and speak :)
Today was totally that day. He saw me and waved and I waved back. Then to my surprise, he walked right over (from the other side of the gym, I might add) and said more than hello. He said "long time no see", etc. I kinda told him about my recent motivation in brief...trying on swim suits, just the motivation I needed to get back to working out. He said - what do you mean? you look very attractive, you don't need to worry about it at all". Isn't that sweet? We chatted for a bit while I worked on a few machines. He and I have something in common. His parents are also from T&T. We had a nice chat. He also asked if I had been on vacation somewhere b/c I seemed to have gotten darker. I told him about my trip home 4 mths ago. The main reason I'm darker now is because there is actual sunshine and I have been walking outside whenever the weather allows. I got a great deal of sun this past weekend as I went walking with T in the morning on Sat. It was great. We walked for about an hour then sat outside a local coffeehouse, with iced tea and bagels, before walking back to her house. I was also outside during prime sunshine hrs on Sun. So great after the many days of rain we had early last week.

I'm in pain, time for some advil, I think, then bed.

2007-04-22T23:08:00.000-04:00

Nadal was in top form for the first major clay event of the year (Monte Carlo). Brilliant match against Federer.

The Yankees...real bust this weekend in their opener against Red Sox in Fenway. Can't watch any more of it. Time for bed anyway...it doesn't look good :(

taking names

2007-04-18T22:23:00.000-04:00

I was reading a post over on Virginia Belle's blog - about having to add another name to her "Men Who are Obviously Not Interested in Me" list.

I didn't think other people had this list too. You know what else? My list is full. I don't want to add any more names to it. Instead I want to be able to make a new list(s). How about...

"Men who want me and are not too shy to do something about it" or maybe
"Men who think I'm hot" or how about
"Men who are so into me" or (and this one is my favorite)
"Men who want me to marry them and have their babies"...Jeter? Nadal? Tristan?

I already have several candidates for these lists. A pity and a shame that they are currently empty. These are the lists I want to be adding names to.

It's April, right?

2007-04-15T22:22:00.000-04:00

I feel the need to write this b/c it snowed/sleeted/rained all day. What's up with that? The weather gurus are all excited b/c they have something to talk about again. Phooey! That's all I have to say about that.

I did finally get my iPod sorted - finally figured out the stupid software I paid for and got it to transfer my songs from iPod back to iTunes. But it took me a while and so when I finally had it worked out, it actually transferred several songs 2 or 3 times or at least their file names if not the actual info in the music files. Yeah, this meant many duplicates/broken links. I spent a good part of today deleting the duplicates and re-loading some of the albums that were corrupt. My sis got me an external backup hard drive so I can keep my music on that as back-up. Took me a while to figure that out as well. From the link in amazon, it made it seem idiot-proof...like all I needed to do was press a button and voila...info backed-up. Not so simple, folks. The specs for it mention that it comes with a 22" USB cord. It's more like a 5" USB cord. Still usable though and since my sis was also thoughtful enough to get me a storage case for the drive I just place it in that on the floor by the USB port on my tower. So no worries :)

birthday

2007-04-13T22:56:00.000-04:00

Stayed home for my birthday as planned on Mon. I slept in a little (till 8am). Had a leaisurely breakfast then spent much of the day cleaning. I meant to do it Sat/Sun but was out much of the time or just in a lazy tv-watching/reading mood. It was ok though. So I invited about 14 people. I figured that they wouldn't all show up but at least I'd know in time since I specifically asked them to let me know by Fri - I also included my phone and home email in case something came up on Sat and they needed to cancel. I hadn't figured that some of them would wait till the last minute to tell me they weren't coming. I had to call a couple of them to find out they weren't coming. A couple of them called me at 730pm Mon night (yeah, they were supposed to be there at 6) to tell me they weren't coming. I know ppl have lives, stuff comes up, whatever. Surely they could have let me know sooner. I guess I just don't rate a highly as I thought. In spite of them, having too much pizza/cake, I had a great birthday.

I did have a great time with my friends who did show up. They brought cards and festive moods with them. We spent most of the night playing poker - we used coins and just made them have the same value regardless. We also spent some of the time eating chocolate mocha silk and chocolate cake with whipped cream/butter icing and sprinkles. A few also had yellow cake. I baked the cakes (from a box -Pillsbury makes the best box cakes) - and only made the yellow b/c I was catering to the ppl who bailed at the last minute.
I just have to let it all go though - it's hard b/c I'd never do that to any of them. If I can't go I let them know as soon as I can and I don't bail at the last minute. I took the extra pizza and cake into work on Tues and they were glad for it. Got some really good gifts/cool cards as well.
I also got quite a few e-cards. My Mum has discovered e-cards now - kinda cool. I got some funny Easter cards and also sent a few funny ones. The funniest one by far featured Hoops and Yoyo talking about Easter candy - hysterical...well it made me laugh hysterically :) They make me think of my sis and me. When we get together we often act very silly and sometimes can't stop the wise-cracks, funny voices and giggles. Fun times. If you have time, do take a look at them if you haven't before.

This has nothing to do with anything - a guy I knew in college (he was in my chem classes) used to say "fun times" all the time. I think he thought it was funny. It was, the first 3 times he said it. Not so much after that. He was a little pompous - he claimed that he came from a "rich, little town with huge houses". Like anyone cared? Anyhoo, I find that I use "fun times" from time to time. I try not to use it too often lest I annoy other people in the same way that guy used to annoy me.

2007-04-13T20:42:00.000-04:00

Watching Beetlejuice - I must either have forgotten or just haven't seen it from the beginning before in a long time. Can you believe this movie is almost 20 yrs old? Oh how the time flies? I noticed for the first time tonight that the sandworms aren't scary at all, they look like sock puppets. I remember when I first saw this movie I was pretty freaked out by the sandworms. I was also freaked out by Beetlejuice himself. Alec Baldwin is quite dashing but Micheal Keaton is maginificently repulsive as Beetlejuice. And then there's that dance he does...so funny.

swwet escape indeed.

2007-04-09T14:50:00.000-04:00

Today my birthday. It's also my lucky day. Why? It started with me singing along to Gwen on "Sweet Escape" - which I'd just bought from the mall. I was trying to make the light and didn't realize I was going that fast. I actually started slowing down a bit b/c I thought I was going a little fast.

I got pulled over by a state trooper today. Actually he'd been trying to pull me over for 4 blocks and I was oblivious until he sounded his siren. I was curious and a bit alarmed that he seemed to be following me and lights were flashing but did I stop? Ummm, no, I did slow a bit and then when I heard the siren, I realized, Oh crap, he's stopping me.
He asked for my license and registration. He had to point out the registration card to me as I was searching for it (frantically) in the envelope from my glove box - the envelope labeled registration/insurance. I guess I was just a bit nervous. He also asked if I had gotten a speeding ticket before (now I'm kinda scared). to which I answered no. He asked, "Never, no tickets?" I told only parking tickets. He asked if they were all paid. I told all except for the last one which I pleaded "not guilty" to. He asked where I was going? I told him I was going home and that I'd just come from the mall. So he then went to his car. He came back and told me he wasn't going to give me a ticket today. He also said that I had been doing 49 in a 30 and it was a school zone - meaning double the fines/double the points. I then thanked him and told him it was my birthday and would have really sucked to get a ticket today. Then he said, well happy birthday, I definitely can't give a ticket today. he also said to "watch my speed".

Sweet escape indeed - I don't think that's what Gwen's talking about but it's still apprpriate here :)