Growing up, I always felt different from everyone else. And not necessarily in a good or bad way but just not the same. My life was very different from my peers but it wasn't just that. It was other intangible things that I couldn't define, if asked to do so, that made me different.
When my friends were going over to each others houses for parties and sleepovers, or to hang out at the mall, I was at home, taking care of my younger siblings. My Mom worked many hours and I was their main caretaker. My youngest still feels like my own (I was 17 when she was born). She often came to me first instead of my Mom whenever she needed anything. I don't regret any of this, it was just my life.
I was a sickly teen and ended up in the ER 2-3 times a year every year. I used to think that I would die before the age of 25. My asthma was really bad and the controllers they had back then were pills which caused severe side effects in me(large muscle cramps like my calves would cramp so bad that it hurt to walk/hands shaking so badly that I could barely hold a pen/rashes), so much that I couldn't take them regularly and had to depend solely on my rescue inhaler. When it failed, then the ER and nebulizer treatments and often epinephrine shots were what I had to look forward to. This also added to my feeling of isolation, like I was the only person like me in the entire world.
I think that feeling continued until I was in the US in college. I finally felt like I'd found kindred among my friends. I've always been outgoing and have had many people who call me their friends. Personally, many of them were/are merely acquaintances to me and few are what I'd call real friends. After college though, so few of them stayed in touch. I too am partly at fault for that. I tried with the ones I'd once felt so close to but they mostly pulled away from me. So in the town I pretty much call home, I made new friends. Some have drifted away from me, some I have drifted away from, and others have stuck. I like to think that it is the good ones that have stuck. Here and now, I feel less different that I did as a kid or a teen. Still different but not so much that it really matters anymore.
Tuesday, September 28
random nonsense
I'm sick. Stayed home from work today which is a huge deal. At my job, there is a lot of pressure to go to work even if you are sick. Their policy is if you are not dying then you should come to work. My ears have been popping for nearly 2 weeks now and I felt a sore throat coming on yesterday. Woke up today, not only was my throat inflamed, but my ears hurt like crazy and I was feeling just awful. Decided not to go in, called in to tell my boss that I was sick and he didn't recognize my voice because I kinda sounded like a frog was stuck in my throat. Spent most of today resting and drinking hot tea. Going to bed soon. Have to go in tomorrow, regardless of how I feel. Hopefully I'll feel better than I did this morning.
Met this random guy at the drugstore 3 weeks ago. We got to chatting and I thought he was cute and after 15min of chatting outside said store, we exchanged numbers. I didn't have high hopes for this. 1)he's 24, 11yrs younger. 2)he told me he lived at home with his parents and 3.he refused to pay for a cell phone provider and had some odd set-up with his iPhone so he could text and make calls via internet.
Anyhoo, with all that in mind, I still thought maybe I'd find a friend to do stuff with that my current friends didn't want to do as often as me (like bowling, pool, stuff like that). I also thought if he was interested in a fling with an older woman, I could prob be into that, like I said, he was cute.
So I wait a few days (I was on my way out of town when we met)then tried to text him. I got this weird message back from verizon telling me that it was a "landline" and if I wanted to send a text to it, it would cost me 25c per text in addition to adding to my text used. That kinda upset me. I admit,I was also a little hormonal at the time and thought "f*ck this!" If he can afford a frickin iPhone and is living with his parents why can't have a regular phone like nomral people, even a pre-paid phone would have been fine. So I decided to just let it go. A week goes by and I get this text from a pc asking if I was the girl he met at the drugstore. By then, I'd calmed down enough to respond. I told him about how I'd tried to text him and about the message I got. He "lol" and said yeah, it is. We have this silly convo back and forth in which he tells me he can text from his pc through voip chat. He and I decide to meet in a week. So I'm kinda excited again and we decide on last Thurs at 6 for our meeting time at a local coffee house. Tues I get a txt from him saying he might have to work late and if it was ok with me if we met later on Thurs. So I'm flexible, so I say, "sure, I live minutes away, so I can meet later, just let me know when you're on your way." Wed evening I get another text from him telling me he's not feeling so good and if he and I could discuss whether to meet on Thurs. This weirded me out. It was like he was looking for a reason not to meet but was afraid I'd get mad or something. So I gave him an out and said "Something's come up and thurs won't work for me after all and since you might have to work late/not feeling too well, how about we postpone till next week." All the other text responses he's sent me arrive a couple hrs later. He responded right away to that one though and said, "yeah, let's do next week instead".
At this point, I don't care if I ever see him again or not or even if I hear from him again. I don't need this shit. My job is super stressful. And I just don't have time to play these kinda stupid games. Either he wants to meet or he doesn't. And if he doesn't fine, I'm not going to cry or scream at him.
Yeah, so I had decided in my mind that if he texted me and asked - so are we on for thurs at 6 at same place - I would say yes and go. If he tried to have us do the stupid texting back and forth again (which previously used 30 of my 250 texts for a freakin non-meeting) to find another time, I was out.
I got a text from him last night which said, you want to meet this week right? wtf?
So I texted him back today saying that I was home sick today and busy the rest of the week. He can take from that what he wants. I'm kinda done.
In other news, the neighbors from hell moved in above me about 3mths ago...they vacuum nearly every day. They move the freakin furniture sometimes more than once a week when they do this OCD vacuuming. They wear clogs and stomp about on the fuckin floors above me at all hours. Especially after 9pm at night. I wish they would move out. Or something, anything but continue to live above me.
Met this random guy at the drugstore 3 weeks ago. We got to chatting and I thought he was cute and after 15min of chatting outside said store, we exchanged numbers. I didn't have high hopes for this. 1)he's 24, 11yrs younger. 2)he told me he lived at home with his parents and 3.he refused to pay for a cell phone provider and had some odd set-up with his iPhone so he could text and make calls via internet.
Anyhoo, with all that in mind, I still thought maybe I'd find a friend to do stuff with that my current friends didn't want to do as often as me (like bowling, pool, stuff like that). I also thought if he was interested in a fling with an older woman, I could prob be into that, like I said, he was cute.
So I wait a few days (I was on my way out of town when we met)then tried to text him. I got this weird message back from verizon telling me that it was a "landline" and if I wanted to send a text to it, it would cost me 25c per text in addition to adding to my text used. That kinda upset me. I admit,I was also a little hormonal at the time and thought "f*ck this!" If he can afford a frickin iPhone and is living with his parents why can't have a regular phone like nomral people, even a pre-paid phone would have been fine. So I decided to just let it go. A week goes by and I get this text from a pc asking if I was the girl he met at the drugstore. By then, I'd calmed down enough to respond. I told him about how I'd tried to text him and about the message I got. He "lol" and said yeah, it is. We have this silly convo back and forth in which he tells me he can text from his pc through voip chat. He and I decide to meet in a week. So I'm kinda excited again and we decide on last Thurs at 6 for our meeting time at a local coffee house. Tues I get a txt from him saying he might have to work late and if it was ok with me if we met later on Thurs. So I'm flexible, so I say, "sure, I live minutes away, so I can meet later, just let me know when you're on your way." Wed evening I get another text from him telling me he's not feeling so good and if he and I could discuss whether to meet on Thurs. This weirded me out. It was like he was looking for a reason not to meet but was afraid I'd get mad or something. So I gave him an out and said "Something's come up and thurs won't work for me after all and since you might have to work late/not feeling too well, how about we postpone till next week." All the other text responses he's sent me arrive a couple hrs later. He responded right away to that one though and said, "yeah, let's do next week instead".
At this point, I don't care if I ever see him again or not or even if I hear from him again. I don't need this shit. My job is super stressful. And I just don't have time to play these kinda stupid games. Either he wants to meet or he doesn't. And if he doesn't fine, I'm not going to cry or scream at him.
Yeah, so I had decided in my mind that if he texted me and asked - so are we on for thurs at 6 at same place - I would say yes and go. If he tried to have us do the stupid texting back and forth again (which previously used 30 of my 250 texts for a freakin non-meeting) to find another time, I was out.
I got a text from him last night which said, you want to meet this week right? wtf?
So I texted him back today saying that I was home sick today and busy the rest of the week. He can take from that what he wants. I'm kinda done.
In other news, the neighbors from hell moved in above me about 3mths ago...they vacuum nearly every day. They move the freakin furniture sometimes more than once a week when they do this OCD vacuuming. They wear clogs and stomp about on the fuckin floors above me at all hours. Especially after 9pm at night. I wish they would move out. Or something, anything but continue to live above me.
Sunday, June 13
I'm back...
It's has been forever since I felt the need to blog. My life has changed in many ways and in others are still the same from the last time I posted a year ago...
There are moments when I am devastated that the guy I want is not interested in me. In these moments it feels like my world is shattered. It feels like the worst thing that could possibly have happened to me ever.
I know, in my rational mind. that this is not really true. At times, worse things have happened to me and others I know, in the past and present. 4 of my good friends got laid off 2 weeks ago. I was almost certain I was going to be one of them when our company announced to us they were going to lay off 10% of us. It was a terrible 2 days - which is the time it took from the moment they informed us of it to when they let go the last person and our managers gathered us and told us we'd survived the cuts.
A couple of my laid off friends have family here to help them out or have friends they rent from who are allowing to be there rent-free until they find something else. I would be up shit-creek if I was laid off. It's scary to me b/c I don't have savings. So I've resolved to take a little longer to pay off some of my debt and start saving the $200 or whatever I make at my 2nd job every month.
I do have a plan B to do something else and am currently taking an online course to facilitate this. I work a lot and still have a fairly active social life so the course is slow-going. I have to be more motivated though.
Jobs in my field are becoming more and more scarce as big pharma takes their work overseas instead of to CROs like the one I work for, and the few jobs available are for PhD's who've had management experience or for BS grads who are just out of school. I have a BS degree and nearly 8yrs of lab experience. You'd think that would count for something. But it doesn't. When they speak to you like you've just come out of college and have never worked in a lab before, you realize it means nothing.
I'm tired of working with and for socially stunted people who have to be condescending to their direct reports because that's how they were treated in grad school or how they were treated in high school when they social outcasts or whatever reason it is they act like that. None of that is my fault and I resent having to report to these people. I am not stupid. I am not dirt under their boots. The sad part is that I enjoy my job. The job in and of itself I like, but having to deal with most of these kinds of people for almost 8yrs has worn me down and out, and has made me bitter and resentful a lot of the time. I do not want to turn into the petty excuses for human beings that many of them are. I have to get out and do something else before that happens.
When I think about all the above, wanting someone who doesn't want me seems silly and almost trivial. Still, I find myself tearing up for no reason at odd times when I'm home mostly...thinking about what I could do/could have done differently. Every time time I think I'm past it, I'm fine for a few days. Then, it hits me and I feel overwhelmed by it. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I know it's not really the end of the world. But in certain moments, it sure as hell feels like it is.
There are moments when I am devastated that the guy I want is not interested in me. In these moments it feels like my world is shattered. It feels like the worst thing that could possibly have happened to me ever.
I know, in my rational mind. that this is not really true. At times, worse things have happened to me and others I know, in the past and present. 4 of my good friends got laid off 2 weeks ago. I was almost certain I was going to be one of them when our company announced to us they were going to lay off 10% of us. It was a terrible 2 days - which is the time it took from the moment they informed us of it to when they let go the last person and our managers gathered us and told us we'd survived the cuts.
A couple of my laid off friends have family here to help them out or have friends they rent from who are allowing to be there rent-free until they find something else. I would be up shit-creek if I was laid off. It's scary to me b/c I don't have savings. So I've resolved to take a little longer to pay off some of my debt and start saving the $200 or whatever I make at my 2nd job every month.
I do have a plan B to do something else and am currently taking an online course to facilitate this. I work a lot and still have a fairly active social life so the course is slow-going. I have to be more motivated though.
Jobs in my field are becoming more and more scarce as big pharma takes their work overseas instead of to CROs like the one I work for, and the few jobs available are for PhD's who've had management experience or for BS grads who are just out of school. I have a BS degree and nearly 8yrs of lab experience. You'd think that would count for something. But it doesn't. When they speak to you like you've just come out of college and have never worked in a lab before, you realize it means nothing.
I'm tired of working with and for socially stunted people who have to be condescending to their direct reports because that's how they were treated in grad school or how they were treated in high school when they social outcasts or whatever reason it is they act like that. None of that is my fault and I resent having to report to these people. I am not stupid. I am not dirt under their boots. The sad part is that I enjoy my job. The job in and of itself I like, but having to deal with most of these kinds of people for almost 8yrs has worn me down and out, and has made me bitter and resentful a lot of the time. I do not want to turn into the petty excuses for human beings that many of them are. I have to get out and do something else before that happens.
When I think about all the above, wanting someone who doesn't want me seems silly and almost trivial. Still, I find myself tearing up for no reason at odd times when I'm home mostly...thinking about what I could do/could have done differently. Every time time I think I'm past it, I'm fine for a few days. Then, it hits me and I feel overwhelmed by it. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I know it's not really the end of the world. But in certain moments, it sure as hell feels like it is.
Monday, July 6
in other news...
...I got a bug bite and it became swollen and tender overnight. So I went to the doctor just to make sure it wasn't serious. Luckily not my primary care doc but a different one in the practice. She gave me bactrim for it. Unfortunately, by the 2nd day of taking it, my arms and legs were covered in hives. I am apparently allergic to bactrim didn't know since I had never taken it before. 5 days later, I still have hives but they are slowly going away and are much less itchy.
The great thing about this Doc is that I also mentioned in my first visit that I still had reflux problems. My primary care doc when I saw her 3 mths ago told me "I'm not giving you any more reflux meds, I think you should just exercise and watch what you eat - cut out all foods that cause problems. This is nonsense since I sometimes would go 4 days on bland food, mostly cereal, nothing spicy or fried and would still have reflux backing up into my throat. Most unpleasant sensation.
Anyhoo, the new doc ordered some blood work done - they took 3 tubes of blood 1. for l;yme disease (just in case my bite was from a tick) 2. for H.pylori (this is usually a sign of gatritis, stomach ulcer, duodenal ulcer and results in reflux) and I'm not sure why they needed the 3rd tube. When I went back to see her 2 days later because of allergic reaction/hives she told me my tests had come back positive for h.pylori infection. This is good news in a way because my regular doc almost had me thinking all my stomach issues were in my head. It was good to find out that something was wrong and that it can be treated. She has also ordered an endoscopy and they are supposed to call me with the referral.
So now I'm taking Prevpac which is the typical treatment for h.pylori. It is triple therapy which has two antibiotics(amoxicillin and clarithromycin) and one acid-reducer(prevacid). I have to take 4 pills twice a day for 14 days. but this is fine because maybe I can have a normal life like other people once this is all over and not have to constantly worry about whether I want to risk having indigestion/pain/reflux when deciding what to eat.
The main downside to these is that I have a weird taste in my mouth all the time and have been chewing gum whenever I can to alleviate it. Plus, the other unfortunate side effect is diarrhea. While it is not quite that, I have to go way more often than I would normally in a day. Also, I have to eat within 5min of taking them because the one time I didn't I felt nauseous for a long time and kept running to the bathroom feeling like I was going to throw up. But I didn't although the feeling lasted until I had some oatmeal and that seemed to settle my stomach. But if this means I can be normal again/eat normally then all of this will be worth it.
The great thing about this Doc is that I also mentioned in my first visit that I still had reflux problems. My primary care doc when I saw her 3 mths ago told me "I'm not giving you any more reflux meds, I think you should just exercise and watch what you eat - cut out all foods that cause problems. This is nonsense since I sometimes would go 4 days on bland food, mostly cereal, nothing spicy or fried and would still have reflux backing up into my throat. Most unpleasant sensation.
Anyhoo, the new doc ordered some blood work done - they took 3 tubes of blood 1. for l;yme disease (just in case my bite was from a tick) 2. for H.pylori (this is usually a sign of gatritis, stomach ulcer, duodenal ulcer and results in reflux) and I'm not sure why they needed the 3rd tube. When I went back to see her 2 days later because of allergic reaction/hives she told me my tests had come back positive for h.pylori infection. This is good news in a way because my regular doc almost had me thinking all my stomach issues were in my head. It was good to find out that something was wrong and that it can be treated. She has also ordered an endoscopy and they are supposed to call me with the referral.
So now I'm taking Prevpac which is the typical treatment for h.pylori. It is triple therapy which has two antibiotics(amoxicillin and clarithromycin) and one acid-reducer(prevacid). I have to take 4 pills twice a day for 14 days. but this is fine because maybe I can have a normal life like other people once this is all over and not have to constantly worry about whether I want to risk having indigestion/pain/reflux when deciding what to eat.
The main downside to these is that I have a weird taste in my mouth all the time and have been chewing gum whenever I can to alleviate it. Plus, the other unfortunate side effect is diarrhea. While it is not quite that, I have to go way more often than I would normally in a day. Also, I have to eat within 5min of taking them because the one time I didn't I felt nauseous for a long time and kept running to the bathroom feeling like I was going to throw up. But I didn't although the feeling lasted until I had some oatmeal and that seemed to settle my stomach. But if this means I can be normal again/eat normally then all of this will be worth it.
life goes on...
It's been an age since I've been on here. I almost forgot how :)
Life is good. Mostly. My crush Q, yeah, I have come to the conclusion that he will never ask me out. Whenever I try to make plans, he always seems to need to make up his mind at the last minute like he's waiting for a better offer. So I've backed off a bit. I don't go visit him anymore. He's noticed and has mentioned it in a roundabout way but whatever. He has actually started coming to visit me now. Which might mean nothing. I'm fairly certain that he has placed me in the "friend" category and even if he is attracted to me, he seems to have no immediate plans to change anything.
My 4th was excruciating. the only really good part was the fireworks. However I had a 4hr wait to see them. I ended going with 2 guy friends who I've actually never hung out with on my own. Normally it is a group of 4 or 5 of us. For one thing, they found a bench to sit on and refused to go walking around. That is how I usually pass the time and it never seemed as long as it did this time. I wanted to get something to eat and they were like "oh we're fine, we'll wait here". Plus one of them, let's call him Bim, who I haven't hung with very often kept making off-color jokes. the kind of jokes I'm sure guys make with each other when no women are around. I plainly told him at least three times when he veered off into inappropriate conversation that this was not a story for mixed company i.e. when girls are around. yet, he kept going. The other guy, Bam, has a new fancy-ass camera and was going on and on about how fantastic it was, how many pictures it could take in a minute, blah, blah, blahty, blah. By the end of the evening, I wanted to stomp on his effing camera. I don't understand how anyone can be so self-centered, so self-absorbed that they don't realize that saying "my camrah is so awesome, 300 pics in 30min" 20+ effing times is not cool. Not entertaining. Makes you sound like an ass. What made all of this worse was that I had to endure it. I didn't drive, Bim did.
I have resolved to bail on on any future event that involves me having to spend time with the two of them alone ever again. Even if it means I have to pretend to be sick. That's how dire my situation was.
The crap thing about all this is that I would never have met either of them if it wasn't for my friend, Gillian, at work. Gillian works on a different site with Bim and Bam and invited them out with us a few times. Now it feels like I'm stuck knowing these people who I now believe that the universe never meant for me to meet. She actually never hangs out with them anymore. But they still call me and I feel a bit guilty about the way I feel. I feel like it would suit me fine if they never talked to me again and I never had to hang out with them again. I don't like to be mean. I try not to be intentionally/unintentionally unkind. So now I'm stuck.
Bam is sometimes almost normal but Bim seems to lack even the most basic social skills(prior to this I just thought he was quiet).
Q totally bailed on me as well. First he said he'd be out of town. Then he said he would be out of town the day before but would be back in time to hang out. Asked me to call him to let him know my plans. I told him my freaking plans Thurs when I saw him last. But fine, so I called him around 3pm just after talking to Bam on the phone because I figured he said he'd be back in time so he'd have made plans to be back before 5pm since I told him that's when I planned to leave for downtown.
Nope. I got his voice mail and left a message. Almost at the same time he was sending me a text saying he was still out of town (only 2hrs away) and if I had made plans. This made me a little bit angry. But I just texted him the same thing I had previously told him - Bam was coming by my place around 5 and we were going to take one car and go downtown. He immediately called me which is a first b/c he usu just texts. I had already told him what I was doing. I had even mentioned that I would go by myself if no one else was available - how much firmer plans could I have made than that? If he really wanted to hang out with me, he would gotten his ass back here in time. Instead he says "give me a call later, I should be back and let me know if you guys are getting dinner/drinks". So I say fine. I text him at 7pm b/c I was really having a hard time being alone with Bim and Bam. He texts me to say " oh I am kind of tired, had a few drinks, staying here tonight". WTF? I was kind of upset at first then more angry than hurt. I just have to move on from this.
I was talking to R at work and she said, guys are like that sometimes. Said her husband sometimes has no recollection of stuff she talked to him about doing. Then when it's time to get ready, he's like "where are we going?"
Personally I think that is bullshit. Plus I don't think it really applies to my situation. If something/someone is important to you, you would remember and make yourself available to be with them. We hardly have much time to talk at work.
I thought maybe he was coming around because after I started ignoring/not visiting him in his lab or cubicle. He says, we haven't had dinner in a while, we should get dinner sometime this week. And we did. And it was great, felt like progress.
Normally I'd invite him to watch baseball games with me when our (opposing) teams were playing but I had stopped doing that as well. But "watching the game" was a pretext. I know it, he knows it, because he and I spent most of the time talking and eating and barely any watching the many TVs around us. But I am always the one issuing the invite.
But I think I was wrong and that he is content for this to be it. I am not. I want to tell him how I feel so badly. I'm not yet ready to deal with the possible/inevitable consequences of doing such a thing.
Instead I made a profile on yahoo personals again. I've resolved not to message any guys at all unless they send me a message first/ice breaker which is not contradictory to their profile.
A guy recently sent me a message saying he was a widower with a daughter. He also put his email in the message (I haven't paid so that would be the only real way to contact him). Except that when I read his profile, it says he's a widower yes, but that he has a son. "son" and "daughter" are two completely different words. this leaves me wondering if a)he has several kids or b) no kids or c) is not widowed. Additionally his profile says he doesn't smoke but his "ideal" woman smokes occasionally. Why would a non-smoking man choose that option. You have the option of choosing multiple answers so if it said "non-smoker or smokes occasionally or any" it would seem way more legit to me. As it is, there are too many inconsistencies. I did email him and asked if he could clarify those things for me. I don't expect him to respond.
Work is actually better. Even though my boss' boss is the worst manager I've yet to work under, my boss and I are getting along pretty good.
Life is good. Mostly. My crush Q, yeah, I have come to the conclusion that he will never ask me out. Whenever I try to make plans, he always seems to need to make up his mind at the last minute like he's waiting for a better offer. So I've backed off a bit. I don't go visit him anymore. He's noticed and has mentioned it in a roundabout way but whatever. He has actually started coming to visit me now. Which might mean nothing. I'm fairly certain that he has placed me in the "friend" category and even if he is attracted to me, he seems to have no immediate plans to change anything.
My 4th was excruciating. the only really good part was the fireworks. However I had a 4hr wait to see them. I ended going with 2 guy friends who I've actually never hung out with on my own. Normally it is a group of 4 or 5 of us. For one thing, they found a bench to sit on and refused to go walking around. That is how I usually pass the time and it never seemed as long as it did this time. I wanted to get something to eat and they were like "oh we're fine, we'll wait here". Plus one of them, let's call him Bim, who I haven't hung with very often kept making off-color jokes. the kind of jokes I'm sure guys make with each other when no women are around. I plainly told him at least three times when he veered off into inappropriate conversation that this was not a story for mixed company i.e. when girls are around. yet, he kept going. The other guy, Bam, has a new fancy-ass camera and was going on and on about how fantastic it was, how many pictures it could take in a minute, blah, blah, blahty, blah. By the end of the evening, I wanted to stomp on his effing camera. I don't understand how anyone can be so self-centered, so self-absorbed that they don't realize that saying "my camrah is so awesome, 300 pics in 30min" 20+ effing times is not cool. Not entertaining. Makes you sound like an ass. What made all of this worse was that I had to endure it. I didn't drive, Bim did.
I have resolved to bail on on any future event that involves me having to spend time with the two of them alone ever again. Even if it means I have to pretend to be sick. That's how dire my situation was.
The crap thing about all this is that I would never have met either of them if it wasn't for my friend, Gillian, at work. Gillian works on a different site with Bim and Bam and invited them out with us a few times. Now it feels like I'm stuck knowing these people who I now believe that the universe never meant for me to meet. She actually never hangs out with them anymore. But they still call me and I feel a bit guilty about the way I feel. I feel like it would suit me fine if they never talked to me again and I never had to hang out with them again. I don't like to be mean. I try not to be intentionally/unintentionally unkind. So now I'm stuck.
Bam is sometimes almost normal but Bim seems to lack even the most basic social skills(prior to this I just thought he was quiet).
Q totally bailed on me as well. First he said he'd be out of town. Then he said he would be out of town the day before but would be back in time to hang out. Asked me to call him to let him know my plans. I told him my freaking plans Thurs when I saw him last. But fine, so I called him around 3pm just after talking to Bam on the phone because I figured he said he'd be back in time so he'd have made plans to be back before 5pm since I told him that's when I planned to leave for downtown.
Nope. I got his voice mail and left a message. Almost at the same time he was sending me a text saying he was still out of town (only 2hrs away) and if I had made plans. This made me a little bit angry. But I just texted him the same thing I had previously told him - Bam was coming by my place around 5 and we were going to take one car and go downtown. He immediately called me which is a first b/c he usu just texts. I had already told him what I was doing. I had even mentioned that I would go by myself if no one else was available - how much firmer plans could I have made than that? If he really wanted to hang out with me, he would gotten his ass back here in time. Instead he says "give me a call later, I should be back and let me know if you guys are getting dinner/drinks". So I say fine. I text him at 7pm b/c I was really having a hard time being alone with Bim and Bam. He texts me to say " oh I am kind of tired, had a few drinks, staying here tonight". WTF? I was kind of upset at first then more angry than hurt. I just have to move on from this.
I was talking to R at work and she said, guys are like that sometimes. Said her husband sometimes has no recollection of stuff she talked to him about doing. Then when it's time to get ready, he's like "where are we going?"
Personally I think that is bullshit. Plus I don't think it really applies to my situation. If something/someone is important to you, you would remember and make yourself available to be with them. We hardly have much time to talk at work.
I thought maybe he was coming around because after I started ignoring/not visiting him in his lab or cubicle. He says, we haven't had dinner in a while, we should get dinner sometime this week. And we did. And it was great, felt like progress.
Normally I'd invite him to watch baseball games with me when our (opposing) teams were playing but I had stopped doing that as well. But "watching the game" was a pretext. I know it, he knows it, because he and I spent most of the time talking and eating and barely any watching the many TVs around us. But I am always the one issuing the invite.
But I think I was wrong and that he is content for this to be it. I am not. I want to tell him how I feel so badly. I'm not yet ready to deal with the possible/inevitable consequences of doing such a thing.
Instead I made a profile on yahoo personals again. I've resolved not to message any guys at all unless they send me a message first/ice breaker which is not contradictory to their profile.
A guy recently sent me a message saying he was a widower with a daughter. He also put his email in the message (I haven't paid so that would be the only real way to contact him). Except that when I read his profile, it says he's a widower yes, but that he has a son. "son" and "daughter" are two completely different words. this leaves me wondering if a)he has several kids or b) no kids or c) is not widowed. Additionally his profile says he doesn't smoke but his "ideal" woman smokes occasionally. Why would a non-smoking man choose that option. You have the option of choosing multiple answers so if it said "non-smoker or smokes occasionally or any" it would seem way more legit to me. As it is, there are too many inconsistencies. I did email him and asked if he could clarify those things for me. I don't expect him to respond.
Work is actually better. Even though my boss' boss is the worst manager I've yet to work under, my boss and I are getting along pretty good.
Tuesday, December 9
updates
It has been an age since I've been on here. Life is busy.
Work...
Work is blah. So I'm on a new project, in a new lab (not so new, just over 4 weeks) and it kinda feels like I'm in hell. Ok, so I'm exaggerating a bit. It just doesn't feel right. I don't recall ever feeling this out of place for so long after joining a new project. Plus I had to move to a new writing area as well and my new cubicle mate is a weirdo. Harsh but true. She is always talking but she mumbles and talks in half-whispers and most of the time I'm not sure if she is even talking to me. So now, I just ignore everything she says unless she says it twice...like blah, blah, blah (pause), Petra blah, blah, blah...then I know she means me and is not just talking out loud to herself again. She is always looking over my shoulder at my computer screen and making comments. WTF? All I need is a little alone time at lunch to eat in peace. I barely take 30min lunch most days. The other drawback of my new cubicle area is that people in nearby cubicles talk on their phones a lot and they leave their stupid ringers on (when they are not there) instead of putting the damn things on vibrate. Also, there are 9 other people sitting in cubicles further back from mine - so they and anyone who is visiting them have to walk past my area to get there. So now I pop my head phones in, Ipod on and slowly, they are getting the message to give me a little peace and keep on walking.
I miss my old lab. I miss my old cubicle area which was a corner one, not on the way to anyone else's - only 4 of us were in that area. It was bliss.
Also, there is the added annoyance of people making comments every day about the time I'm eating lunch. Like it is any of their business. I eat a mid-morning snack at 10:30 and then have lunch b/t 12:30 and 1pm most days. Somedays a little later or earlier depending on how my reactions are going in lab and whether I'm at an easy stopping point or not. I want to tell them to leave me the fuck alone. That's what I want to say. I really need to exercise b/c in my head is all this negative energy from these people. Note: every time I'm typed the word "people" I really wanted to type "fuckers". That's how I think of them in my head. I don't normally swear like that or think about random hostile comments like that but lately it's all I think.
In addition to all this nonsense, less than 15% of my reactions have worked. I know this b/c I have to create these stupid excel tables about them now - in my new project/dept. Overall, work kinda sucks now.
I can't wait to go on vacation. Only 6 more days and then 2 weeks away. I'm going to my sister in England again and my Mum and younger sisters are also making the trip. It'll be good b/c we haven't all been together for Christmas in 4 years.
I have spent more than I planned but starting in Jan I plan to eat out much less frequently and see fewer movies then put that money towards paying off my credit cards. I have been spending the extra money I'm making at my 2nd job instead of putting it towards the cards. But it's ok. I'm not panicked about it.
I just have to figure out how to pack it all :)
I went to see Trans-Siberian orchestra this past weekend and it was a fantastic show. Five of us went and I got to sit next to my current crush Q. I still haven't made any progress past him being a crush yet but I'm still hopeful...most days.
I have a cold. It was only a matter of time since everyone in my immediate working area have been coughing/sneezing/blowing their nose for the past 3 weeks. I left work early Friday b/c I felt so bad and also called out sick at my 2nd job Sat. I spent the day sleeping/eating/taking sudafed and tussin. My voice was mostly gone. Now it has progressed to a runny nose and more progressive cough. I'm hoping to be over it before I have to fly next week. My ears are popping like crazy. I hope that this doesn't become an ear infection. I'm still hoarse and for most of the day almost feel ok. As the day progressed at work, it might be that I'm getting tired sooner b/c I'm sick but I just feel like crap by 5pm. I actually left right at 5pm today.
This week is super busy. I'm finally going to see "Twilight" tomorrow night - I read the book and am excited to see Patterson play Edward.
I also have a work holiday party Thurs(we're going bowling :) then my friend and I are meeting to sample this cool new chocolate-Boc beer she bought, then I have a hair appt later that night.
Fri is when I plan to get some laundry done after work.
Sat I am working 8-4 at my 2nd job then I have 2 parties, one starts early and the other will surely end late so I think I can easily do both.
Work...
Work is blah. So I'm on a new project, in a new lab (not so new, just over 4 weeks) and it kinda feels like I'm in hell. Ok, so I'm exaggerating a bit. It just doesn't feel right. I don't recall ever feeling this out of place for so long after joining a new project. Plus I had to move to a new writing area as well and my new cubicle mate is a weirdo. Harsh but true. She is always talking but she mumbles and talks in half-whispers and most of the time I'm not sure if she is even talking to me. So now, I just ignore everything she says unless she says it twice...like blah, blah, blah (pause), Petra blah, blah, blah...then I know she means me and is not just talking out loud to herself again. She is always looking over my shoulder at my computer screen and making comments. WTF? All I need is a little alone time at lunch to eat in peace. I barely take 30min lunch most days. The other drawback of my new cubicle area is that people in nearby cubicles talk on their phones a lot and they leave their stupid ringers on (when they are not there) instead of putting the damn things on vibrate. Also, there are 9 other people sitting in cubicles further back from mine - so they and anyone who is visiting them have to walk past my area to get there. So now I pop my head phones in, Ipod on and slowly, they are getting the message to give me a little peace and keep on walking.
I miss my old lab. I miss my old cubicle area which was a corner one, not on the way to anyone else's - only 4 of us were in that area. It was bliss.
Also, there is the added annoyance of people making comments every day about the time I'm eating lunch. Like it is any of their business. I eat a mid-morning snack at 10:30 and then have lunch b/t 12:30 and 1pm most days. Somedays a little later or earlier depending on how my reactions are going in lab and whether I'm at an easy stopping point or not. I want to tell them to leave me the fuck alone. That's what I want to say. I really need to exercise b/c in my head is all this negative energy from these people. Note: every time I'm typed the word "people" I really wanted to type "fuckers". That's how I think of them in my head. I don't normally swear like that or think about random hostile comments like that but lately it's all I think.
In addition to all this nonsense, less than 15% of my reactions have worked. I know this b/c I have to create these stupid excel tables about them now - in my new project/dept. Overall, work kinda sucks now.
I can't wait to go on vacation. Only 6 more days and then 2 weeks away. I'm going to my sister in England again and my Mum and younger sisters are also making the trip. It'll be good b/c we haven't all been together for Christmas in 4 years.
I have spent more than I planned but starting in Jan I plan to eat out much less frequently and see fewer movies then put that money towards paying off my credit cards. I have been spending the extra money I'm making at my 2nd job instead of putting it towards the cards. But it's ok. I'm not panicked about it.
I just have to figure out how to pack it all :)
I went to see Trans-Siberian orchestra this past weekend and it was a fantastic show. Five of us went and I got to sit next to my current crush Q. I still haven't made any progress past him being a crush yet but I'm still hopeful...most days.
I have a cold. It was only a matter of time since everyone in my immediate working area have been coughing/sneezing/blowing their nose for the past 3 weeks. I left work early Friday b/c I felt so bad and also called out sick at my 2nd job Sat. I spent the day sleeping/eating/taking sudafed and tussin. My voice was mostly gone. Now it has progressed to a runny nose and more progressive cough. I'm hoping to be over it before I have to fly next week. My ears are popping like crazy. I hope that this doesn't become an ear infection. I'm still hoarse and for most of the day almost feel ok. As the day progressed at work, it might be that I'm getting tired sooner b/c I'm sick but I just feel like crap by 5pm. I actually left right at 5pm today.
This week is super busy. I'm finally going to see "Twilight" tomorrow night - I read the book and am excited to see Patterson play Edward.
I also have a work holiday party Thurs(we're going bowling :) then my friend and I are meeting to sample this cool new chocolate-Boc beer she bought, then I have a hair appt later that night.
Fri is when I plan to get some laundry done after work.
Sat I am working 8-4 at my 2nd job then I have 2 parties, one starts early and the other will surely end late so I think I can easily do both.
Wednesday, October 22
fun dinner
I just came home from dinner with the new guy Q. He's not my guy. It was not a date even though he paid. I followed him to drop his car off to local dealership then I was going to drop him home. That's when he asked what my plans were for dinner and said we could get something together and it'd be his treat. In spite of the fact it was a non-date, it was very enjoyable for me. I think he had fun as well. We got a chance to talk about ourselves and our lives...stuff we normally wouldn't mention casually while we're at work. He finally mentioned the ex in passing.
I went out dancing last Sat until the wee hours of the morning (3ish) and lost my cell somewhere in the back of the taxi we came back to my apt in. This was kinda sucky but not the end of the world. My plan has been off contract since May and I was eligible for a new phone anyway. The most inconvenient thing was that all my numbers in the phone that I lost were not written down anywhere else. Plus I got this cute guy's number. I will post the story of that later...it's pretty funny. I am a really funny drunk :)
I went out dancing last Sat until the wee hours of the morning (3ish) and lost my cell somewhere in the back of the taxi we came back to my apt in. This was kinda sucky but not the end of the world. My plan has been off contract since May and I was eligible for a new phone anyway. The most inconvenient thing was that all my numbers in the phone that I lost were not written down anywhere else. Plus I got this cute guy's number. I will post the story of that later...it's pretty funny. I am a really funny drunk :)
Tuesday, September 9
In other news
I bumped into C at the grocery store tonight. This is the guy who I had a semi-crush on in college. He went ot grad school here and we met up again and hung out a few times. He promised to call and didn't. I got mad and refused to call him. Met up and hung out with him at my 5th college reunion. You know how sometimes a guy can go from cute to hot in 30sec? He totally did while we were dancing and it was memorable. Lots of kissing. Not much more than that. Promised to really keep in touch this time but didn't. I tried to invite him out to a movie through facebook but apparently his pc was down, he didn't get my message/respond to me until like 6wks later. Still, it's all bygones to me now. I'm all about Q. Still, he was a very good kisser.
So when I saw him today at the checkout I kinda smiled to myself and we chatted a bit once he was done as well. We'd actually parked directly opposite each other in the parking lot. Weird. He's looking for another job and might well be leaving the area in a couple months. We both said this time that we'd try to get together for coffee or something soon.
I'm just going to leave it. If he does manage to get in touch with me, I'll just wait and see. He can get in touch with me if he wants. He does have my number and my email, etc and is on my facebook friend list.
So when I saw him today at the checkout I kinda smiled to myself and we chatted a bit once he was done as well. We'd actually parked directly opposite each other in the parking lot. Weird. He's looking for another job and might well be leaving the area in a couple months. We both said this time that we'd try to get together for coffee or something soon.
I'm just going to leave it. If he does manage to get in touch with me, I'll just wait and see. He can get in touch with me if he wants. He does have my number and my email, etc and is on my facebook friend list.
fit to be tied
So I keep going back and forth with whether or not Q is into me. It's like when you were a kid with a flower pulling petals going - he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me. Actually mine goes more like - he totally wants me...he is so not into me...he liiikes me...he only sees me as a buddy...and so on.
I am slowly going insane sometimes with my internal dialogue.
He waited for me so we could walk to our cars together 3 times last week and we chatted for another 10min or so after we got to our cars.
Q and I went out for dinner and drinks with another friend of ours last Fri. The service sucked, they were understaffed, but what made me really upset at the time was two other things. One, said friend (SF) invited a new friend of his supposedly to eat with us. She showed up 90min late and then said she wasn't planning to eat and that she almost didn't come out at all. WTF? SF also didn't know what he wanted by the time the waiter finally made it to our table which didn't help either. So we finally got our food mostly cold 2 hrs after I'd arrived. I was not happy about either of these things. What really made me mad though was this random girl who my friend invited was chatting up Q. Right in front of my face. True, she had no way of knowing that I'm interested and therefore he is off-limits. Rationally I know this. In that moment though, I wanted to say, "step off bitch, step OFF!". Luckily I only had 1 and 1/2 beers and was in no way drunk enough to spew any of the crap going on in my anger-infused brain. Yeah, there was one other feeling. This feeling I had was somewhat alien to me. Jealousy. Pure and simple.
I really wanted to have dinner with just Q but I didn't think he'd go for that. Plus it's not part of my subtle plan. So I changed the time we were supposed to meet from 7 to 8 to accommodate SF b/c he said he couldn't meet us before 8pm. SF who managed to get there 10min before me. He had called Q and given him a lift there since they live close to each other. Nice of him, huh? Did SF call me as well so I could get there at the same them as them? No, he did not. He did call random girl though to invite her but not me.
After all this, I'd spent $29. What did this buy me? Mediocre, lukewarm food, 2 ok beers and internal anger and jealousy over some random girl I hope never to see again. She is apparently just starting grad school and she is studying a pseudo-science. I don't know what else to call it. I won't write it b/c maybe someone will be randomly googling it and find my blog. Might even be someone I know. So I guess that's all I'll be saying about that.
Anyhoo, I wasn't going to blog about Fri night. At least it wasn't my intention to do so. I guess it was still festering inside and I had to get some more of it out.
I am slowly going insane sometimes with my internal dialogue.
He waited for me so we could walk to our cars together 3 times last week and we chatted for another 10min or so after we got to our cars.
Q and I went out for dinner and drinks with another friend of ours last Fri. The service sucked, they were understaffed, but what made me really upset at the time was two other things. One, said friend (SF) invited a new friend of his supposedly to eat with us. She showed up 90min late and then said she wasn't planning to eat and that she almost didn't come out at all. WTF? SF also didn't know what he wanted by the time the waiter finally made it to our table which didn't help either. So we finally got our food mostly cold 2 hrs after I'd arrived. I was not happy about either of these things. What really made me mad though was this random girl who my friend invited was chatting up Q. Right in front of my face. True, she had no way of knowing that I'm interested and therefore he is off-limits. Rationally I know this. In that moment though, I wanted to say, "step off bitch, step OFF!". Luckily I only had 1 and 1/2 beers and was in no way drunk enough to spew any of the crap going on in my anger-infused brain. Yeah, there was one other feeling. This feeling I had was somewhat alien to me. Jealousy. Pure and simple.
I really wanted to have dinner with just Q but I didn't think he'd go for that. Plus it's not part of my subtle plan. So I changed the time we were supposed to meet from 7 to 8 to accommodate SF b/c he said he couldn't meet us before 8pm. SF who managed to get there 10min before me. He had called Q and given him a lift there since they live close to each other. Nice of him, huh? Did SF call me as well so I could get there at the same them as them? No, he did not. He did call random girl though to invite her but not me.
After all this, I'd spent $29. What did this buy me? Mediocre, lukewarm food, 2 ok beers and internal anger and jealousy over some random girl I hope never to see again. She is apparently just starting grad school and she is studying a pseudo-science. I don't know what else to call it. I won't write it b/c maybe someone will be randomly googling it and find my blog. Might even be someone I know. So I guess that's all I'll be saying about that.
Anyhoo, I wasn't going to blog about Fri night. At least it wasn't my intention to do so. I guess it was still festering inside and I had to get some more of it out.
new game show
My friend told me about this new game show "hole in the wall". But seriously, you have to see it to believe it. Truly ridiculous. I have several questions. How are you supposed to shape yourself into an arrow pointing right? Can the human body contort into such a shape? Doubtful. Must they wear those shiny, silver, skintight bodysuits? Could they not have come up with something waterproof (since they get dunked in a pool of green liquid when they can't contort themselves to fit the "hole" in the moving wall) that was not so...so...revealing. It's abit much really. Still, watching these peopls in those ridiculous suits get shoved into the green pool...priceless.
Wednesday, August 27
the word on my current crush
He moved to the area recently and didn't know anyone other than a couple other people who work with us. So when he asked me what there was to do here - I invited him out to our Thurs night happy hour. He's been hanging out with us ever since. Now I have just got to figure out a way for him and I to hang out alone...without sounding like a spaz...very difficult.
My crush, let's call him Q, coincidentally has the same given name as the last guy I dated but fortunately goes by a different nick-name. Weird, I know.
He has family/friends in the Northeast but they live 3-5hrs away. He's away this weekend :( He and I have been having lots of conversations about everything. I'm trying not to act completely gaga over him since I am around my other co-workers most of the time when we talk.
The wedding I'm going to in Oct - he is also invited. I have this vague plan in my head to make a major move towards him then. That is, if nothing has progressed between us by then.
I have date tomorrow. Sort of a date - I'm meeting this guy I met online at okcupid for coffee and a walk. He's a vegetarian who loves the outdoors. I told me friend this and she laughed and said, "your exact oppositte, well I guess opposites do atract."
Yeah, I know, I have a crush and this sounds counter-productive. I'm not really on okcupid to meet guys. I like taking their silly tests and answering their stupid questions. However lots of guys feel the need to write me anyway. For some reason I'm a big hit with the 20-yr olds. I pointed out to one of them that I was 13 yrs older than him. He didn't seem to care. But I certainly do, ugh, in a word.
I also recently created a profile again on yahoo. I did this b/c I am insane. Insane, I tell you. I keep going between 2 main thoughts...
1) Q is totally interested in me and is just biding his time until he asks me out,
2) Q is not interested in me at all and only talks to me b/c I know other single people our age and he wants to meet others.
My problem with this is - aren't I enough? Why does he need to meet other people when he has already met me? Why?
Doesn't that sound like insanity to you? So to try to calm myself down and also reassure myself that I'm still desirable/guys want to date me(even if they aren't guys I actually want to date) - I created a profile again on yahoo and actually started responding to the mail I get on okcupid.
So the coffee date tomorrow...I don't really want to go but I'm going. Actually he want us to get coffee then go for a walk. I'm supposed to meet up with a friend later on so I have someplace to go if I need to cut things short.
My friend G, for some reason wants to go out tomorrow with one of the interns who worked at our company this summer. Said something about how he might have hot friends. My problem with this - he might, but they are likely barely 21. Just too young for me to contemplate in any way. I just don't get why she thinks it'd be fun to hang out with a bunch of boys who are barely out of college. Plus instead of going to our usual hangout - where I could invite Q and another buddy of ours S to meet us - they are planning to go somewhere downtown as yet undetermined. I hate half-assed plans made by others at the last minute. Yeah, so I'm supposed to be meeting them later on tomorrow night somewhere. This also means that I can't makes plans to hang with Q since I told G, I'd meet her. Can't wait till tomorrow...
I'm off to bed now. With all the hrs I've been working, I'm trying to get extra sleep, well, at least 7hrs or so per night.
My crush, let's call him Q, coincidentally has the same given name as the last guy I dated but fortunately goes by a different nick-name. Weird, I know.
He has family/friends in the Northeast but they live 3-5hrs away. He's away this weekend :( He and I have been having lots of conversations about everything. I'm trying not to act completely gaga over him since I am around my other co-workers most of the time when we talk.
The wedding I'm going to in Oct - he is also invited. I have this vague plan in my head to make a major move towards him then. That is, if nothing has progressed between us by then.
I have date tomorrow. Sort of a date - I'm meeting this guy I met online at okcupid for coffee and a walk. He's a vegetarian who loves the outdoors. I told me friend this and she laughed and said, "your exact oppositte, well I guess opposites do atract."
Yeah, I know, I have a crush and this sounds counter-productive. I'm not really on okcupid to meet guys. I like taking their silly tests and answering their stupid questions. However lots of guys feel the need to write me anyway. For some reason I'm a big hit with the 20-yr olds. I pointed out to one of them that I was 13 yrs older than him. He didn't seem to care. But I certainly do, ugh, in a word.
I also recently created a profile again on yahoo. I did this b/c I am insane. Insane, I tell you. I keep going between 2 main thoughts...
1) Q is totally interested in me and is just biding his time until he asks me out,
2) Q is not interested in me at all and only talks to me b/c I know other single people our age and he wants to meet others.
My problem with this is - aren't I enough? Why does he need to meet other people when he has already met me? Why?
Doesn't that sound like insanity to you? So to try to calm myself down and also reassure myself that I'm still desirable/guys want to date me(even if they aren't guys I actually want to date) - I created a profile again on yahoo and actually started responding to the mail I get on okcupid.
So the coffee date tomorrow...I don't really want to go but I'm going. Actually he want us to get coffee then go for a walk. I'm supposed to meet up with a friend later on so I have someplace to go if I need to cut things short.
My friend G, for some reason wants to go out tomorrow with one of the interns who worked at our company this summer. Said something about how he might have hot friends. My problem with this - he might, but they are likely barely 21. Just too young for me to contemplate in any way. I just don't get why she thinks it'd be fun to hang out with a bunch of boys who are barely out of college. Plus instead of going to our usual hangout - where I could invite Q and another buddy of ours S to meet us - they are planning to go somewhere downtown as yet undetermined. I hate half-assed plans made by others at the last minute. Yeah, so I'm supposed to be meeting them later on tomorrow night somewhere. This also means that I can't makes plans to hang with Q since I told G, I'd meet her. Can't wait till tomorrow...
I'm off to bed now. With all the hrs I've been working, I'm trying to get extra sleep, well, at least 7hrs or so per night.
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