In other news

I bumped into C at the grocery store tonight. This is the guy who I had a semi-crush on in college. He went ot grad school here and we met up again and hung out a few times. He promised to call and didn't. I got mad and refused to call him. Met up and hung out with him at my 5th college reunion. You know how sometimes a guy can go from cute to hot in 30sec? He totally did while we were dancing and it was memorable. Lots of kissing. Not much more than that. Promised to really keep in touch this time but didn't. I tried to invite him out to a movie through facebook but apparently his pc was down, he didn't get my message/respond to me until like 6wks later. Still, it's all bygones to me now. I'm all about Q. Still, he was a very good kisser.
So when I saw him today at the checkout I kinda smiled to myself and we chatted a bit once he was done as well. We'd actually parked directly opposite each other in the parking lot. Weird. He's looking for another job and might well be leaving the area in a couple months. We both said this time that we'd try to get together for coffee or something soon.
I'm just going to leave it. If he does manage to get in touch with me, I'll just wait and see. He can get in touch with me if he wants. He does have my number and my email, etc and is on my facebook friend list.

fit to be tied

So I keep going back and forth with whether or not Q is into me. It's like when you were a kid with a flower pulling petals going - he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me. Actually mine goes more like - he totally wants me...he is so not into me...he liiikes me...he only sees me as a buddy...and so on.
I am slowly going insane sometimes with my internal dialogue.
He waited for me so we could walk to our cars together 3 times last week and we chatted for another 10min or so after we got to our cars.

Q and I went out for dinner and drinks with another friend of ours last Fri. The service sucked, they were understaffed, but what made me really upset at the time was two other things. One, said friend (SF) invited a new friend of his supposedly to eat with us. She showed up 90min late and then said she wasn't planning to eat and that she almost didn't come out at all. WTF? SF also didn't know what he wanted by the time the waiter finally made it to our table which didn't help either. So we finally got our food mostly cold 2 hrs after I'd arrived. I was not happy about either of these things. What really made me mad though was this random girl who my friend invited was chatting up Q. Right in front of my face. True, she had no way of knowing that I'm interested and therefore he is off-limits. Rationally I know this. In that moment though, I wanted to say, "step off bitch, step OFF!". Luckily I only had 1 and 1/2 beers and was in no way drunk enough to spew any of the crap going on in my anger-infused brain. Yeah, there was one other feeling. This feeling I had was somewhat alien to me. Jealousy. Pure and simple.

I really wanted to have dinner with just Q but I didn't think he'd go for that. Plus it's not part of my subtle plan. So I changed the time we were supposed to meet from 7 to 8 to accommodate SF b/c he said he couldn't meet us before 8pm. SF who managed to get there 10min before me. He had called Q and given him a lift there since they live close to each other. Nice of him, huh? Did SF call me as well so I could get there at the same them as them? No, he did not. He did call random girl though to invite her but not me.

After all this, I'd spent $29. What did this buy me? Mediocre, lukewarm food, 2 ok beers and internal anger and jealousy over some random girl I hope never to see again. She is apparently just starting grad school and she is studying a pseudo-science. I don't know what else to call it. I won't write it b/c maybe someone will be randomly googling it and find my blog. Might even be someone I know. So I guess that's all I'll be saying about that.

Anyhoo, I wasn't going to blog about Fri night. At least it wasn't my intention to do so. I guess it was still festering inside and I had to get some more of it out.

the word on my current crush

He moved to the area recently and didn't know anyone other than a couple other people who work with us. So when he asked me what there was to do here - I invited him out to our Thurs night happy hour. He's been hanging out with us ever since. Now I have just got to figure out a way for him and I to hang out alone...without sounding like a spaz...very difficult.

My crush, let's call him Q, coincidentally has the same given name as the last guy I dated but fortunately goes by a different nick-name. Weird, I know.

He has family/friends in the Northeast but they live 3-5hrs away. He's away this weekend :( He and I have been having lots of conversations about everything. I'm trying not to act completely gaga over him since I am around my other co-workers most of the time when we talk.
The wedding I'm going to in Oct - he is also invited. I have this vague plan in my head to make a major move towards him then. That is, if nothing has progressed between us by then.

I have date tomorrow. Sort of a date - I'm meeting this guy I met online at okcupid for coffee and a walk. He's a vegetarian who loves the outdoors. I told me friend this and she laughed and said, "your exact oppositte, well I guess opposites do atract."
Yeah, I know, I have a crush and this sounds counter-productive. I'm not really on okcupid to meet guys. I like taking their silly tests and answering their stupid questions. However lots of guys feel the need to write me anyway. For some reason I'm a big hit with the 20-yr olds. I pointed out to one of them that I was 13 yrs older than him. He didn't seem to care. But I certainly do, ugh, in a word.
I also recently created a profile again on yahoo. I did this b/c I am insane. Insane, I tell you. I keep going between 2 main thoughts...
1) Q is totally interested in me and is just biding his time until he asks me out,
2) Q is not interested in me at all and only talks to me b/c I know other single people our age and he wants to meet others.
My problem with this is - aren't I enough? Why does he need to meet other people when he has already met me? Why?
Doesn't that sound like insanity to you? So to try to calm myself down and also reassure myself that I'm still desirable/guys want to date me(even if they aren't guys I actually want to date) - I created a profile again on yahoo and actually started responding to the mail I get on okcupid.

So the coffee date tomorrow...I don't really want to go but I'm going. Actually he want us to get coffee then go for a walk. I'm supposed to meet up with a friend later on so I have someplace to go if I need to cut things short.

My friend G, for some reason wants to go out tomorrow with one of the interns who worked at our company this summer. Said something about how he might have hot friends. My problem with this - he might, but they are likely barely 21. Just too young for me to contemplate in any way. I just don't get why she thinks it'd be fun to hang out with a bunch of boys who are barely out of college. Plus instead of going to our usual hangout - where I could invite Q and another buddy of ours S to meet us - they are planning to go somewhere downtown as yet undetermined. I hate half-assed plans made by others at the last minute. Yeah, so I'm supposed to be meeting them later on tomorrow night somewhere. This also means that I can't makes plans to hang with Q since I told G, I'd meet her. Can't wait till tomorrow...

I'm off to bed now. With all the hrs I've been working, I'm trying to get extra sleep, well, at least 7hrs or so per night.

Real life getting in the way of blogging

I have been busy lately. In the last 10 days, I have...

- completed a large-scale multi-step synthesis and met the deadline for shipment
- completed and presented slides for said synthesis
- left work @ 3pm to catch a train to NYC
- been to a huge family wedding (250+ people) in NYC
- taken over 100 pictures of family at said wedding
- had an apple martini for the first time
- realized that 7 apple martinis + 1 cosmopolitan is more than a person my size should ever consume in 4hrs
- been violently sick from said drinks and had a sore throat for 2 days as a result
- decided not to drink apple martinis again...ever!
- played Cranium with friends and discovered that I have a knack for drawing with my eyes closed
- cleaned my turtle's tank
- went to work at my part-time job at 7am on a Sat
- been to Philadelphia for a 2-day chemistry course
- stayed 3nights in a hotel in Philly
- had 6-8 cups of tea each day to be awake for 8hrs of chemistry
- had trouble sleeping due to excessive caffeine intake during the day
- saw the Liberty Bell
- taken many touristy pictures incl. one of a giant clothes-pin in Philly :)
- eaten a fake "Philly" cheese-steak
- watched Olympics...Phelps-8 medals, Bolt-fastest man, Thompson-Silver medals in track and field for Trinidad, Nadal-first Gold medal in tennis
- did laundry
- completed 2 reactions in the 2 days since I got back from Philly Wed
- eaten a to-die-for chocolate mousse cake when my group went out for lunch today

Is it any wonder that I am exhausted. the plan for tonight is to stay in and finish a couple books I started recently.

As for my latest crush. We are friends now, we hang out. I think it is possible that he might like me too. It's difficult for me to be positive about this. It's difficult b/c no one that I've felt this way about before has liked me in the same way. He sat next to me at lunch today and that was very cool b/c it's a large group of us (12) who were at lunch so he could have sat anywhere. We left work at the same time tonight (5:30p - earliest I've left on a Fri in a long time) and we walked out together. The really cool thing is that I had said good bye to him earlier and was at my desk, shutting my computer off when he came over and said hi and then we walked out together. When we got to our cars, we stood there talking for another 20min. I have it really bad. There's just something about him that appeals to me on so many levels. It's a little scary. I'm being cool, friendly but not overtly so. I'm trying for subtle. Even though subtle is so foreign to me, I'm trying. If there is the slightest chance that this could work I want to do everything I can.
Some days, I just want to go up to him and tell him how I feel. Actually, I want to do a lot more than just tell him but that would of course not be subtle. So I'm waiting...and hoping...

c'est la vie

I had plans for Sat. I was going to breakfast most likely with T around 10ish then apple-picking with E and crew at 1pm. Then maybe dinner at E's as well.

I'd been nagging AK aka my crush/my former crush/the enemy since before my week off to my sis' wedding, to do something for his birthday which was this past weekend. He vetoed all my suggestions but couldn't come up with any of his own either. So Thurs I see him and say, well you have my number if you think of something, call me. So he comes over to my lab late Fri evening and asks if I want to go to a BBQ with him Sat. It was being given by his boss for all the guys in his lab as well as a few other managers. He said they told him he could bring a date(and I quote) and he asked if I wanted to go with him as his date.

So I kinda balked (in my mind - thinking that I wanted to date him but didn't want it public knowledge until we at least had a few regular dates...I didn't want to appear to be dating him before we actually went out on a real date). Anyhoo, I asked what time and he didn't say exactly, just that we could prob go after I came back from picking apples. So I told him my plans for Sat - and said he could call me and we'd see. So he called me around noon and said he wanted to go at 1pm. So I told him I'd prob be back by 3pm and asked if that was ok. He said that was fine. He didn't say no to my suggestion. He didn't ask if I could go with him at 1pm instead. I would have totally bailed on picking apples and gone earlier if he'd asked. He acted like it was fine - I thought we had a plan. I was so excited then. I feel really foolish now.

So I went to pick apple/drink some cider with my friends and we got back just after 3, and I drove over to his apt - he lives less than 5min from E. I get there and he comes out and we start driving over. Then he tells me that he actually went to the party at 1pm after all and just came back for me. So now I'm a bit confused. B/c he didn't tell he was still planning to go earlier. So now I'm feeling a little weirded out. We get there 15min later. I knew almost eveyone there from work -except for their wives. We said hello to the host and went in to get some food on his invitation. We get back outside and there aren't many seats free. There are 2 seats next to each other and one more separated by a lot of space and a table. He sat in the chair furthest away. So I took the seat closest to him (which was not very close at all) and kinda dragged my chair a little closer. The sun was shining directly in our eyes if we looked straight ahead. I tried to make conversation with him but it was difficult with our seats and the sun. eventually one of the wives came and sat in the empty seat next to me and we chatted for a while. After a while we went in to get some dessert. We came back out and more chairs were free so I took one by the table. There were 3 chairs free, 2 on one side of me and 1 on the other. Guess where AK decides to sit when he comes back outside - not in any of the free seats near me but instead he sat in a chair almost at the edge for the deck. Almost like he wanted to make sure people didn't mistake us for a couple. He kept up this bizarre sitting as far as possible from me thing for half our time there. We're friends, or at least I thought we were. If he didn't want them to think of us as a couple, he shouldn't have asked me to go with him in the first place. Friends go as each other's date to things like this, don't they? I don't know, maybe he was miffed b/c I didn't go with him from 1pm. I just don't know. Eventually the host asked him to start a campfire and handed him some kindling. Does he ask me to join him or follow or anything? No. He just got up and proceeded to walk over to the campfire area, so I followed and said I like to see too. After that he was a little more friendly towards me. Not in any way that might be construed as being boy-friendly but at least he'd stopped acting like I had cooties or something.

I was very hurt by this. I just don't understand. On the drive back I wanted to ask him if he managed to get as far enough away from me as he wanted. But I didn't know how to ask without doing something embarrassing like crying or shouting irrationally at him. So I didn't say anything then. And I'm not going to...ever.

I saw him as I was leaving work today, we were both leaving at the same time. Usually I would walk over to him and we'd chat for a while. Not today. I said hi and kept walking towards the door as we were casually chatting about the day's work (we usu park in different parking lots so we go out different doors). After a couple minutes, I said bye and left. Go me! He seemed friendly and somewhat flirty like he normally is. Whatever. I'm done. I don't understand but that's fine. I don't have to understand. He was kind of a jerk to me on Sat. It was a good thing that I actually knew most of the people there from work else I'd have been not only sitting by myself but would also have been stuck trying to make small talk with strangers.

I just expected more and got much less than I'd bargained for. C'est la vie! or at least C'est ma vie!

In Macy Gray's song, Everybody, she says "you're either enemy or you are the friend". I really like that line :-) AK is now the enemy. or maybe I am?

my dilemma

Last night is the first night in ages that I've been able to fall asleep in my bed soon after getting in. I only got ~5 1/2hr sleep but it was a continuous 5 1/2 hr and that really makes a difference. I also slept fairly well the night before but I slept on my futon (intentionally) b/c it was too hot in the bedroom.

Had a nice chat today with my current crush aka my boy-toy :). I know it's not going anywhere and that's probably for the best. He's so cute though, all the way through. There are guys who are more good looking, more muscular, my age, etc. but none give me tingles in quite the same way as this guy does. It's sad and little pathetic, I know but there are moments...moments when I'm completely content...content to just listen to him talk about anything. He's very witty and quick. I do like a smart man, I do. I never have to explain things, he's gets it right away.

I kinda want to ask him to go to this festival with me. I want to go partly b/c Teada will be playing/for an opportunity to hang with him. When we hung out at our company picnic, it was great fun. He never left my side. It was very cool. I want to hang out with him, outside of work, but I don't know how to bring this about without seeming desperate or like a complete dork. Therein lies my dilemma.

just a little crush

Still crushing(am I too old to be even using this word?) on AK aka my boy-toy. Ok, so he's not really my boy-toy but he could be if he wanted to. I've been trying to be real cool and casual and not freak him out by telling him this. A good thing, right? I'm insane. I must be to be entertaining ideas about this boy/man. What else can you call a 22yr-old guy...when you're 32. We had this conversation a while back...it started with me talking about what I did for my last birthday...

AK: so...how old are you now?
Me: guess
AK: 25?
Me: Nope
AK: 26
Me: Not any more
AK: older than 26, ok, 27?
Me: No, I'm 32
AK: 32?...32!...c'mon you're making that up
Me: why would I make up an age older than I am?
AK: Wow, 32, I would have thought 25 for sure. 32...32...
Me: Alright enough ok. Just think of me as 25
AK: I can't anymore, now 32's stuck in my head...

He hasn't brought it up since (else I may have had to deck him)
He and I spent a really fun day hanging out together at our company's picnic. From time to time, I forget that he's 22 and then he opens his mouth and says something really juvenile and I remember. I've told him this. He laughed and said "that's kinda cool, people normally tell me I look 17". This is the crux of my problem.
I'm pretty sure that he's not interested in me and if he was before he found out how old I am, he's not anymore. This should make me feel better but it only depresses me.

why I'm still single

It's impractical and somewhat embarrassing. Almost illegal, well not quite but it feels like it should be. I know there's no future. He's 22. Maybe if I keep telling myself this, it'll just go away. I know it but I can't quite let go of these feelings I have for A. I'm 10yrs older than him. But he's cute and funny and quick-witted and tall but not too tall. I am very attracted to him. There I said it. We look closer in age but that's only b/c I look ~8yrs younger than I am. He's a young-looking 22. I figured that these feelings, this silly crush would go away soon. But it hasn't. Even if he was interested in me, it's not going anywhere. It can't. Can you imagine him telling his mother that he's dating a woman 10yrs older. What kind of a freak would that make me seem like? Truly not worth considering.

Why am I concerned? I really shouldn't be. As long as I don't do or say anything impulsive or stupid...like ask if he wants to have lunch sometime or dinner or whatever. As long as I don't do that, he's probably going to do what almost every other guy I'm met and liked have done - NOTHING. And eventually my feelings fizzle and I can move on with my life. Any day now...still waiting.

I bumped into the EB aka the Dimwit Stalker at the grocery store a couple days ago. In the light of day, he looks old enough to be my father. I think he lied about being 34 or 36 or however old he claimed to be. I don't recall. If he didn't lie he's a very old looking guy. He again insisted that he's "not a bad guy", I simply "misunderstood". Once again I had to explain myself. WTF! Again I told him that I shouldn't have to explain. He also said that "when you have time, drop me an email, as friends, so we can keep in touch". Yeah, right. What is wrong with this guy. How many ways/words do I need to explain that I'm not interested. To explain that no I don't want to be his anything...not his friend...not his girlfriend...certainly not his future wife. I think much of what I say must be lost in translation.

This is what happens when you decide to go out on 2nd date with a guy you are really not attracted to. No more. I am never again going out with a guy just b/c he asks/seems like a nice guy/etc if I'm not attracted to him. I'm just going to say no and be done with it. Could have saved myself a ton of aggravation. So now I have to avoid that grocery as well even though it's the closest to my apt (5min away).

Just the other day I was remarking to Z "it's strange that in such a small place as where we live that I've not bumped into any of the guys I've dated. No a bad thing but still." Not that I want to see them and be forced into awkward conversations with them. Or that there have been that many (can count on my hands and have fingers left over).

To the same friend Z, that I was talking to before, I also confessed that except for the dimwit stalker, I've only dated guys younger than me. Strange but true.

This, in a nutshell, is why I'm still single at 32. The only men who talk to me look 50 or 19. I will not date a man who looks old enough to be my father. My father does not look like he's 60 but he is. I will also not be dating anymore 19yr-olds. Been there, done that, saw the movie, bought the t-shirt and the game. :)
Or guys who look 19 or act like they're 19. You get the picture.