Blogging in silence

I finally broke my blogger silence. Since I started this blog about 2 1/2 wks ago, I havent' said anything about it to any of my friends. Not until this past weekend.

I only gave the addy to one of them though (my 'gifted' friend who knows many of these stories).

Off to bed.

First Dates

In my experience...

1. Some are just weird and you wonder why you wanted to go out with them in the first place
2. Some are awful all the way through and you can’t wait for the night to be over
3. Some are fantastic at the start but then fizzle near the middle and by the end you're bored and know there won’t be another
4. Some are just really great from the start, kind of sweet in the middle, and by the end are filled with promise

So what kind of date was it? Definitely #4.

Yes, I went on date tonight. I've hung out with him a couple times before but this was our 1st official date (just us, no friends).

It started off well. I was a little nervous, which is weird for me because I don’t get nervous very often. This guy is very good looking/ built very well/ intelligent/ and seems to be very interested in me. All pluses.

There were a few times during the date where neither of us said anything (we were smiling at each other though). I tried to fill in a couple of these gaps – unfortunately saying odd things (the nervousness at work) which probably freaked him out a little.

Then I became more relaxed, just let the silences be. At times, I just wanted to reach over and hug him but I restrained myself.

He likes Celtic music too. I haven’t met many guys that do.

And it was fun. I had a great time. I’m pretty sure that we’ll go out again.

I kind of blundered the whole end of date/ leaving the car/do we hug or kiss or both thing? Still I think it went very well for a 1st date.

Overall, very enjoyable.

Could barely get to sleep last night, was both excited and nervous. Might try for an early night tonight (for me, anything before 11:30p). Am kind of exhausted.

Hands are going into spasms as I type this

Got to take a break from all this blogging I've been doing. I'm not used to typing for hours everyday and my hands are killing me. I'll try and post later in the week.

I got a great message on my phone last night. Had a very promising phone conversation tonight. Don't want to say any more just yet but I'm very excited about it.

Caribbean Slang

There are many words from my home that are not used anywhere else, some are also used in other islands but none of them are used here. So there are many words I no longer used often unless I'm talking to family because most people here just wouldn't get it. Some are hard to explain the exact meaning in the same way that certain phrases in French or Spanish don't translate well into English. Some are derived from Patois or French or Creole or Hindi or Spanish or English. Many are combinations of these. They are generally understood by anyone from my native land.

I miss hearing my local dialect sometimes and it's great talking to family who still live at home because their accents haven't changed. Mine has changed and it alters slightly whenever I move to a different place . In college, neither my family nor my roomies' families (I had 3) could tell our voices apart. I'm a natural mimic and it happens unconsciously.

When I lived in MD it was different from when I lived in upstate NY to how it is now. It also changes depending on where my friends are from. When I go home for a couple weeks it almost comes back - at least from my American friends' perspective. Still most of my family and friends at home teased me about my 'yankee' accent. FYI, all American accents are referred to as Yankee accents even if not from NY.

For example there's something called a 'tabanca' and from that you have tabanca songs. A tabanca is something you get when you have a relationship with someone who then dumps you for someone else - that the gist of it anyway. So we'd say, I have a tabanca if we were in that situation. I was thinking about this because I have a list of tabanca songs (of course, another list ;) but I list those another time. Also there is a calypso called "I have a tabanca"- it's very funny.

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Books and why I love them

I don't know if anyone really cares about all the lists I keep making but I like making them (I love lists in case you haven't noticed as yet :P) and I'm enjoying my blog. When I first started this blog, a wise woman told me to blog for myself, not others (thanks Ann). So if you don't like my lists, don't read them but I'm still going to keep making them :)

I really enjoyed all of these books and own several of them. I first read most of them from the library and a few were ones I bought at airports to read on planes. The people in all of them are very real and the characters are well developed.

A few of these I read years ago and some only within the last year. Some were in my usual zone. I think everyone has their own book zone. You know, you read mostly books of a certain genre or certain authors. I tend to stick within the romance/mystery genre mostly. I also read mostly fiction. That's my zone. I stepped out of my zone for several of these and I'm glad I did. As far as writers go I've read almost everything in print by...

...Nora Roberts(but not any as JD Robb) - Catherine Coulter(incl. historical romance and newer FBI thrillers) - Maureen Tan - Jayne Ann Krentz /Amanda Quick - Rachel Gibson - Susan Elizabeth Phillips - Julia Quinn - Sandra Brown - Carly Phillips - Jennifer Cruise - Suzanne Brockway - Joanna Lindsay - Janet Evanovich (but not the Stephanie Plum ones, haven't been able to get into those) - Sara Paretsky - Sue Grafton (A for Alibi through to M for Malice)

I am intrigued by book titles and am often drawn to books first by the title. Then I look at the cover art and layout and if I'm still interested, I read the back/inside dust jacket cover. Then I read a couple pages, if I'm still interested then I borrow/buy it. I never read the ending first. All of the books on my list kept my interest till the end. I didn't want them to finish because they were so well written. And best of all, no typos.

I hate that in a book. Aren't there people who are supposed to proof read for glitches like repeated words, misspelled words, etc.? It always bugs me when I come across a book with such errors. I know, I know, I make mistakes like that too. The typos in my blog bug me so I try to fix them when I notice them. I'm a wee bit anal. But at least it's not my job, no one's paying me to look for such errors. Maybe someone should.

Anyway, if you are looking for something new to read that may or may not be in your book zone; check out a few of the books in my list or any by the above writers.

Books I highly recommend

• The Bridge Across Forever & One by Richard Bach
• Between Sisters by Kristin Hannah
• Angel Light by Andrew M. Greeley
• The Observatory by Emily Grayson
• He's Got To Go by Sheila O'Flanagan
• Family Trust by Amanda Brown
• Kissing in Technicolor by Jane Mendle
• Serving Crazy With Curry by Amulya Malladi
• The Big Love by Sarah Dunn
• The Village Bride of Beverly Hills by Kavita Daswani
• Dance With Me by Luanne Rice
• Now You See Her by Linda Howard
• AKA Jane, Run Jane Run, and A Perfect Cover by Maureen Tan
• Lost & Found by Jayne Ann Krentz
• Lost & Found by Jane Sigaloff (I am often attracted to books with titles I've seen before)
• In Pursuit of the Green Lion and Vision of Light by Judith Merkle Riley
• Metro Girl by Janet Evanovich (partly why I want a mini cooper)

All About Lit

This is about Lit(short for his fav drink), I daren't put his initials.

I decided to write about him separately b/c last night I was so exhausted (small wonder since I went to sleep after 1am).

I thought Lit and I were soulmates. In my weaker moments, I still think this. But I don't want to believe that anymore because if it's true then I've missed my chance and I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Even though I did everything I could as far as he was concerned. But as that Bonnie Raitt song goes--- "...I can't make you love me, if you don't...you can't make your heart feel something it won't..." That line sums up our whole relationship (for want of a better word).

When we first met, it wasn't love at first sight (which I'm not sure I really believe in). It was more like I noticed him. Thought he was cute, finagled an introduction through mutual friends. It took about 2 months before I thought about him possibly being my soulmate. Once I'd decided that, my obsession took off from there.

Examples of my obsession:

• I felt as if my day was ruined if I didn't see or talk to him at least once every day even though we weren't dating.
• I went to every home game for our DIII soccer team senior year-even when it was 25°F outside - because he was on the team.

My partner in crime during all this game watching and stalking, I mean accidentally meeting, was my college roomie. She actually loves soccer (and soccer players ;) so it was no hardship for her to come with me to all these games. She's one my best friends and I love that girl. She unfortunately also had to listen to me talk about Lit all the time but she never told me to shut up or get over it. She supported me 100%. Got to love friends like that.

Going to every game may not sound like much unless you consider that I knew almost nothing about soccer and had never watched a game willingly. Even though I grew up in the Caribbean I thought it was kind of boring and always complained when it was on tv (during world cup was the worst) cause that's what everyone else wanted to watch it. I was never interested at all. Until Lit. When I found out he was on the soccer team - I became a soccer fan.

I did many other things I won't write here (some of them can loosely be considered stalking :)

When Lit and I became friends, it was great. I didn't have to arrange to accidentally meet him anymore cause we actually made plans to do things together. We had fun together. He has a curious mind which I loved because I'm curious about so many things myself. We often ate together, either breakfast or dinner most days during the week and usu Sat brunch. (Our school had a great dining hall in our dorm and I still miss it after 3yrs)
He could always make me laugh. He could say anything with a straight face. I can never do that and have always admired such a trait in others.

He was in my year and he brought me into his group of friends. It was great because most of my friends were underclassmen (as I'd transferred in my junior yr) which was fine, but you go through very different experiences from yr to yr and it was great to have people who were doing the same things I was.

We used to be able to talk about almost anything. We spent many nights and weekends talking until 1 or 2am. He was always a perfect gentleman even when I would have encouraged him to be otherwise. He just got me, you know. I couldn't ask for more than that right? Wrong? I should have been thinking that he needed to want me as well.

Anyhoo, eventually I worked up the courage and told him how I felt and asked if he was interested. [I should have just asked to be hit in the head with a blunt object and put out of my misery]. He didn't feel the same and said so but wanted to continue being friends. And I thought that I'd take whatever I could get. Plus, a part of me always hoped that he'd change his mind. We got closer. I was more forward with him that I've ever been. I usually wait for a guy to make the first move but with him, I couldn't wait. He didn't accept and turned away from all my advances. I had no shame where he was concerned, none at all. I don't regret telling him of my feelings. I don't regret the time I spent with him. I do wish I'd gotten over him sooner.

And after we graduated, his feelings never changed. I know, because I asked. More than once. Pathetic right? without a doubt. We kept in touch mostly by me sending funny 'thinking of you' cards and b'day cards, email, phone calls - which he always returned but hardly ever initiated himself. I even (and this I'm a little ashamed of) sent him Valentine cards every year. Usually funny friend ones (that's how I justified them to myself).

Early this year I'd had enough. I'd cried enough. I'd felt sorry enough for myself. I kept wondering what was wrong with me? Was I flawed in some way that he could see? Is that why he didn't want me? Was I not worthy of being loved? I felt like a pathetic loser and I couldn't stand myself.

Then I read many of the relationship books out there, some bad, some that were just dumb and a few that were somewhat insightful - including "he's just not that into you" which I do recommend as well as "why men love bitches". I decided that I had to treat him the way I did all of my other guy friends. Which meant, no more b'day cards or thinking of you notes or phonecalls and especially no valentines card. Just the occassional email and christmas card, no more than that. I also realized that I had to get over him and move on.

It really hurt. It hurt because it was hard to deal with the fact that he wasn't attracted to me, didn't want to be with me when I wanted to spend my life with him. I recognized him as my soulmate, why didn't he recognize me as well? He never misled me but he never actively pushed me away either. So my hope remained alive for a long time.

I had ignored other guys who were interested in the hope that one day Lit would awaken and realize that he was in love with me too. I had many scenarios for how he'd be hit with such an epiphany:) Obviously, I've read too many romance novels. I can almost laugh about it now. No guy could measure up to how I saw him and what I thought I could have with him if we were together. I had to stop the madness.

So I wrote him this crazy 4 page letter. Crazy b/c I put everything I had felt and was feeling into it. I didn't plan to mail it, it was cathartic enough just writing it. But one day, I put it in an envelope and addressed it. I carried it in my car for 2wks, wrestled with the post office lady for it after she gave me the stamp b/c wasn't sure I should mail it after all. Then...I let it go.

And predictably, he called, even though I asked him not to in the letter. My first words after hello...I guess you got my crazy letter....At first he wouldn't even discuss said letter. He said something like...blah blah we'll get to that later...how are you? So I played along all the time wanting to get it over with. In the letter, I basically said that I couldn't just be his friend anymore b/c I always kept hoping for more and that I had finally accepted that he was never going to see me that way. His response...what he always says, why can't we just keep things the way they are...blah blah blah...it's not me, he doesn't want to have a relationship with anyone...blah blah. This call happened in March, I didn't call or send a card for his b'day. No card from him for mine. He did email me after the fact but I didn't answer it.

Last month, in a weak moment, I emailed him but it got returned undelivered. Wasn't sure what to make of that. But I figured that maybe it was for the best.

I've finally accepted it, he and I - not meant to be. I still miss him though. I used to talk to him about anything and everything. Stuff happens in my everyday life that I want to tell him about. I want to know how he is. I want to hear him laugh.

I had to end it and though I wish I was able to stay in touch and move on at the same time, I just couldn't. So I made a not-so-clean break.

Update: as of April 2008
Lit and I are emailing again. I can't remember how it started it but he emailed one day and then I emailed him back and we were ok. I'm still keeping it casual and simple. It doesn't hurt anymore so I guess I'm over him.

What is this love you speak of...

I was reading some selected posts from Ann's blog and came across her "search for love entries".

And then I started thinking, then I had to write this down.

I've been in love once. I've been infatuated way too many times to ever write about them all here but I'll mention the most memorable ones. During my infatuations, they seemed like love to me but I know that they weren't that. At least I know that now. For me, infatuations made me happy, sad, excited and a little depressed. But love (unrequited) is so far removed from anything I felt before or since that I recognize that there's a difference.

I had 1 main crush in elementary school, JT, and I think that was the last time a guy liked me at the same time I liked him. We remained friends through high school - he went to an all-boys high school near my all-girls high school. We never dated though cause that just wasn't allowed for me at that time but we saw each other fairly often. He'd often come by to meet me after school and we'd walk together. We wrote each other lovely letters. Unfortunately, I burned all of them. I spoke to him about them years later(in my early 20s) - he still kept mine and was quite upset when I confessed to destroying the ones from him. Privacy was such a big issue for me as a teen (lots of extended family came and went in our house and I didn't want my privacy invaded so felt I had to destroy them). I tried to explain but he didn't really seem to understand. He's quite successful today and I hear from or about him whenever I go home.

I sort of had 2 crushes during my last year of high school when I transferred to a coed school. RL and DLK. RL was so funny, smart but it was his eyes that drew me in. He could draw too and he and I used to doodle together on the same paper during study hall. I still have a couple drawings he did. While I was following and hanging on every word out of RL's mouth, DLK was following me around.

I noticed DLK and even though he and I flirted a lot, I was never serious (so sure that RL was the man for me). DLK used to say the most outrageous things to me and I'd always respond in kind. I still remember a very funny exchange we had where he said something like "you weren't complaining about the whips/chains last night". People thought we were seeing each other, understandable misconception considering our conversations. I think that was the first time that I flirted in a sexual way with a guy. I was 17 and he was 18/19. I could tell that he was sometimes hurt by my flippancy or when I ignored him in favor of RL but, back then I think he'd have done anything for me. If I had to relive that time, I think I'd pay more attention to him and less to RL.

Unfortunately, RL saw me as one of the guys (the recurring theme of my love life) and I remained clueless of this fact for far too long. We kept in touch for about a year after high school but then I never heard from him again. DLK saw me as a woman which he expressed in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways. I saw him once when I was 22 and he was built very nicely by then - no longer the lanky guy I remembered. I was really sorry I hadn't paid closer attention to him.

But life is like that sometimes - the people you notice either don't notice you or don't think of you in the same light. And vice-versa.

I had 4 unrequited crushes in college, 1 for each yr almost.
Freshman yr: He had a live-in girlfriend so this was doomed from the start. I thought MG was so cool. He was in the army and was studying nursing. I really liked him a lot but knew it was never going to go anywhere. He was kind and he made me laugh. We hung out from time to time as we had a class together and sometimes we'd have lunch and chat. Some small part of me thought that maybe he and the gf would break up and then he'd be free to see me. Then I met her and she gave me the evil eye, I swear, no one has looked at me like that before or since. Needless to say, I limited the time I spent with him after that.

Sophomore yr: This was short-lived and lasted 2 wks. I got over my crush after R told me that he was gay. It was so obvious, I don't know how I didn't realize it before. He and I remained good friends for a while but then we had a really stupid fight (though I can't even remember what about) and stopped being friends after that.

In my junior yr there were 2 main guys. The first one was Ozzy - I met him the second day during orientation when I transferred in my junior yr. He and I spent so much of our time together, laughing, on im, eating together. He's a genius and part of the reason why I felt compelled to take that Java class. In fact I hold him almost solely responsible for that :) even though he refuses to take the credit/ blame for it. He's also a very good looking man.
Back then, I thought that he must know how I feel and he must feel the same way. I'd finally decided that I had to tell him how I felt. But he beat me to the punch. Sort of. But his confession was that he had feelings for my best friend and roomie.
I didn't speak to him for a week. Then I realized that my pride was more hurt than my heart. The signs were there but I'd ignored them. After all, I was the one he spent most of his time with. Of course, he was also spending a lot of time with my friend at the same time. He and I continued being friends and I think we'll be friends for a long time. Now he's like the brother I never had. What can I say? Life works out in the strangest ways sometimes.

Sometime after that in the fall of my junior yr was when I first noticed Lit (as I referred to him after I found out that his fav drink was Long-Island Iced Tea) more on him later.

Places & Things

1. I've been to Trinity College and seen pages from the Book of Kells and the Book of Durrow
2. Toured the original Guinness factory, drank my complimentary pint from the Gravity Bar
3. Walked through Powerscourt Gardens, Co. Wicklow-very beautiful
4. I've walked along the Greenich Meridian line and toured the Royal Observatory and the National Maritime Museum, the Harrison maritime keepers were fascinating
5. I've been to the Tower of London and seen the crown jewels - the ravens freaked me out
6. Seen the Thames by boat
7. Watched the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace - couldn't distract them, not even with silly faces
8. Seen Big Ben and Trafalgar Square from the top of a double-decker bus
9. Seen London from the top of The London Eye - the view was worth the 90min wait
10. Climbed to the top of Clifford's Tower in York
11. I've driven down Lombard, the world's most-crooked street in San Fran
12. Ridden in a cable car - takes a lot of muscle to operate
13. Seen Golden Gate Bridge from every conceivable angle (and have pics to prove this)
14. I've been to Alcatraz
15. I've seen Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Safari and Disney Quest
16. I've been to Universal Studios, Orlando
17. Been to the Saratoga Racetrack, had the thrill of winning and the agony of losing
18. Seen Howe caverns
19. Seen a demolition derby - more exciting to watch than I thought it would be
20. I've been to the Kennedy Space Center

Word for the week...boredom

This week has been so boring for me at work. Mostly because I completed my assignments and wasn't given anything else until this 2pm this afternoon. We had video conf with external customers on Tues and so had to prep for that Mon. Plus our regular Wed meeting was this morning so had to make slides for that but I had everything done by noon yesterday. The meeting Tues which lasted 2 1/4 hours (I was dying during that last 1/2 hour - my eyes started crossing after the first hour of slides)...and I forgot my sweets(lately there're mentos) which I usu take to meetings to keep me awake. Came home early Tues b/c I had nothing to do and I'd had enough. Today was more of the same. So I cleaned my work areas, did all my back-up filing and twiddled my thumbs till our morning meeting at 10am. Then had lunch, then finally got some more work, not a lot yet but enough to keep me busy for a couple days.

Sometimes, I have so much to do, I can barely think and then there are other times when I'm bored out of my skull. Luckily this doesn't happen often. There's only so many times you can check cnn or bbc or amazon. Can't blog at work, they scan plus lots of creative firewalls by our wonderful IT dept. so I dare not even try.

In elementary and high school I remember being bored all the time which is why I usu got in trouble for "distracting others" or "talking too much in class" but that's another story.

Obviously I'm a little too efficient at work lately, but you never want them to know just how efficient you can be b/c then they would take advantage. Most days I could get my work done in 7hr but I let it drag to 9hr. We're expected to put in at least 9/day or more, most do 10-11h though. Somedays I can barely make to 9. Depends on your group suervisor. Finally I have decent supervisors (lots of middle management) who usu leave by 5p. I was in a group earlier this year where my immediaate supervisor didn't leave until 7/8pm most days. How do you top that? She obviously had no life despite being married. I'm single and I sure as hell don't want to spend half of each day at work. But to each his own I guess.

That's my rant for the day. At least tomorrow's Thurs.

Late night treats

...that someone who leads a sedentary lifestyle shouldn't consider eating during the least-active part of their day...yes my doctor has this "sedentary lifestyle" written in my file, and no, I'm not proud of it, but not really motivated enough to exercise regularly either...as I was saying,

late-night treat...vanilla ice-cream w/chocolate chips and dark chocolate M&Ms as a topping. The M&Ms give it just the right amount of color and bite. Enjoy.

Who's That Girl?

It funny when you look back at yourself in pictures. I was looking at old pics of myself and I'm so different from the person I was in most of the pictures. Especially those from more than 2 years ago...like the ones from my college days. Who was that girl? I remember her, but I don't think I'm her anymore.

I started thinking of this as I was going through some old drawings of mine from college. I found about 10 self-portraits I did for a drawing class back in 1999. I uploaded a couple to my portfolio (click the flickr link on sidebar). I recognize myself in all of them but there's one that I think resembles me more than any of the others.
Not because it's the most accurate one...or the most detailed...though there is sufficient detail that people who know me would recognize me...but because I think I captured myself best in it at that time. Though I'm not that girl anymore, I remember her and she had a lot of dreams back then. Some have come true. Some have changed. Some haven't happened yet and some never will. She was sure of her classroom abilities but not of much else. (I know - a little kooky talking about myself in the 3rd person). I want to tell her that there's more to life than getting A's and that her first mentor was correct - She would not get straight A's all the time and that the world wouldn't end when she didn't and that she was going to be fine.

I also found a portrait I have of myself which was done by an artist in Covent Garden about 10yrs ago. The artist took about 10-15 minutes and both my friend and I had ours done. It's funny because even though that portrait is more accurate and certainly the artist had more skill than I, I don't think they were able to really capture me though he got my likeness well enough. At least not the person I think I was back then. I wonder if maybe that's because 10 years ago, I was very different from how I was in college or how I am now for that matter. Maybe I kept parts of myself hidden. The person in that portrait seemed afraid of many things, shy, a bit insecure, definitely a people pleaser. So maybe, he got it right after all.

I'm more open now...to people, life and the universe at large. I don't think I've ever been shy but I used to be very concerned about what people thought of me. I used to feel as if it was my job to make sure that other people weren't upset. This consumed so much of my energy. It's not easy trying to please everyone. I kept many things inside and rarely disagreed about anything (out loud anyway :). I used to keep so much in and then...out of nowhere...I'd erupt like Mt. Versuvius.

I think I'm a better person today. I certainly speak what's on my mind more. I keep less bottled up inside. This is a very good thing (seeing Versuvius erupt was not pretty).

So...who is that girl? She's still a part of me, of who I was and I think of her fondly.

Music I like/love

I own at least 2 or more CDs for the artists listed below - my friend says that I can safely say that I love their music if I've bought so many of their CDs. I have a couple rules I use when buying music a) If it's a single artist, I must like at least 3 tracks on the album and b) if it's a compilation (I buy many of these) then I must like at least 7 tracks. Both these rules go out the window if the CD costs less than $8. I buy most of my CDs used unless it's a new one I feel I must have. So here's my list - in random order.

• No Doubt
• Backstreet Boys (I own more than 2 - try not to judge me because of this :)
• Celine Dion (ditto)
• Josh Groban
• Sheryl Crow (I think I own all but one)
• Solas
• Altan
• The Cranberries
• Amy Grant
• Shania Twain
• Green Day
• Mariah Carey
• Avril Lavigne
• Leann Rimes
• Enya
• R.E.M.
• Alanis Morissette(the first non-classical album I bought, on cassette :)
• Third Eye Blind
• Andrea Bocelli

In addition to these I've the greatest hits for most of the above as well as for other artists from the 80s/90s-this is music I taped from the radio as a kid and in my teens.

• Bon Jovi
• Abba
• Air Supply
• Madonna
• Chicago
• Lenny Kravitz
• Boyz-to-Men
• Bryan Adams
• Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Michael Jackson

I also have about 10 of the NOW Hits/Totally Hits compilations. I like pop especially if I'm in the mood to dance.

I have more Celtic CDs than any other particular genre and these include compilations which is what I started listening to. Then I started buying CDs of the individual artists themselves. These are the only CDs I tend to pay full price b/c they rarely go on sale and are hardly ever available used. As for classical, Vivaldi's my fav and have a 5-CD collection of his music. Most of the other classical music I listen to are on compilation CDs. I find that I prefer music from the baroque period more than any other.

I could probably live without music but I definitely wouldn't be very happy. Music is great no matter what mood I'm in and I have music to suit them all. There's some stuff I only listen to when I'm angry (like Three Days Grace) or mostly at night before bed (like Sarah McLachlan or Kate Rusby) and then there are the car tunes which lately is The Killers Hot Fuss and Green Days' latest. I love almost every track on both these albums. I highly recommend them both.

My alternate universe(2)

1. I'm financially secure and have a job I love and enjoy going to every day.
2. I'm in a secure, committed relationship with the man I will eventually marry, someone who gets me.
3. I paint regularly and have a room where I display my best pieces.
4. I have a house surrounded by trees with great views and floor-to-ceiling windows
5. I have an art/music room with easels and canvas set up as well as a state of the art surround sound system. I have a separate room which houses all my CDs.
6. My family and I live within hours of each rather than in different time zones.
7. I have both the i-pod mini and the i-pod shuffle.

What will they think of next

This sounds crazy to me but there's this ad on TV about a product called "Urine gone!" of all things. I kid you not. And it's selling for the magical price of $19.99.

That's like the magical price for most things in infomercial type ads.

They're selling this stuff for cleaning cat litter and carriers,etc. I don't know, the name just seems wrong to me. Completely ridiculous. But I don't own cats so I'm definitely not who they're trying to sell to. If you're a cat owner(or staff as some of my friends say they are to their cats), would you buy it?

Making the blog more friendly and other stories

I'm just starting to customize my blog, changing stuff from the template I started with. Some of the code looks a little familiar to me, not exactly but close to some I've seen before. I'm no computer programmer but I once took a class in basic Java programming in college. Kind of as a dare. I know, sounds insane. But no books or term papers were required for this class. In college, I hated writing papers, 2p/5p/don't even mention 25p, I avoided them whenever I could. So the Java class which at first sounded crazy, started sounding like a reasonable class to take as a breather for my required classes. I majored in chemistry. Unfortunately, I spent far more time on that one java class than I did on my junior level chemistry classes. But you live and you learn.
Anyhoo, I'm starting to have some fun with it.
So there'll soon be changes galore. I'm going slowly cause I don't want to screw it up and lose stuff I want to keep.

The Smell Of Death

Death has a smell. I know this first hand. It's similar to a smell you get from some elderly people. I started associating this smell with death when my grandfather died.

We moved to my grandparents house during the last few months of his life. My Mom took care of him as he was bed-ridden for the last 4 months. It was hard seeing him just there unable to move around. Before he got sick, he was always up and about. He was very handy around the house and was always fixing things. He was a welder by trade.

As his illness progressed and he got weaker, the smell got stronger and stronger. The night he died was the worst, I think our bodies must start rotting from the inside when we die especially when your you are sick for a long time before.

The smell changed just after he died. So now every time I smell that old person smell, it makes me think of death.

My alternate universe

I was reading some stuff on tv.com and they also have blog entries here. One blogger talked about what she would have in her alternate universe. She got this idea from a book she's reading called Alternate Beauty (you can read what she said here)

This got me thinking about what I'd have in my alternate universe. This bears some thought. Stay tuned.

These are my confessions

stolen from leesepea (you can see her answers here)

[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[X] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[X] I open up to others easily.
[X] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[X] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[X] I own an I-Pod.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[X] I love Disney movies.
[ ] I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I curse regularly.
[X] I paid for that cell phone ringtone.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie
[X] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[ ] I am in love with someone.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[X] I am self conscious.
[X] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[X] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I have many scars.
[X] I've been out of this country.
[X] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.(ONLY if I've seen it!)
[X] I am really ticklish.
[X] I see/have seen a therapist.
[X] I love chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[X] I am comfortable with being me.
[X] I play computer games/video games when i'm bored.
[X] Gotten lost in your city.
[ ] Saw a shooting star.
[X] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[X] I have kissed a stranger.
[X] Hugged a stranger.
[X] Been in a fight with the same sex.
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at your parents.
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[ ] Broken a bone.
[ ] Played spin the bottle.
[X] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[X] Gotten the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a friend's car.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[X] Ridden in a taxi.
[X] Shoplifted.
[ ] Been fired.
[X] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[X] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[X] Lied to a friend.
[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[X] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker.
[ ] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[X] Saw someone dying.
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[ ] Been to Canada.
[X] Been on a plane.
[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[X] Thrown up in a bar.
[ ] Eaten Sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[ ] Been skiing.
[X] Been ice skating.
[ ] Met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] Been to a motorcross show.
[X] Gone/Going to college.
[ ] Done hard drugs.
[X] Taken painkillers.
[ ] Cheated on someone else.
[X] Were so bored you took this survey.
[ ] Have a tattoo.