latest tunes

I bought this Tonic CD "Lemon Parade" 5yrs ago I think, mainly b/c it was on saleand had that song "If You Could Only See". I didn't really listen to anything else on it. Recently I picked it up to listen in the car. There are 3 other tracks on it that I play repeatedly of late. "Mountain" is one I just can't get enough of. this morning on my 20min drive to work I listened to it on repeat 4 times. "Casual Affair" and "Open Up Your Eyes" are also good.

I was chatting with a couple regulars at the local beer hangout - one of them came in with horrible sun-burn. Serious peeling. So I asked the obvious question - were you not wearing sunscreen? to which he replied - do I look like I was wearing sunscreen. My disbelief stems from the fact that this guy is very pale normally, his eyebrows are see-through. I could not believe that he'd even consider going in the sun without slapping on at least an SPF 30. I wear sunscreen and I'm black. I use an SPF 15 moisturizer on my face b/c who needs more wrinkles than necessary, right? Yesterday I went to CVS looking for some general sunscreen for my legs and arms which will be seeing a lot of extra sun now that Spring/Sun is here. I got some SPF 30 stuff. What I found mind-boggling is that there were tons of SPF 30 and 45 stuff but most of the SPF 4(I didn't even know this existed) and SPF 10 was gone. Why is anyone buying SPF 4? People seem way more concerned with being tanned than they are with skin cancer. I don't know why this concerns me but it does.

random thoughts

I ran into the dimwit stalker aka the eager-beaver today outside my chinese fastfood place.

FYI - I call him the dimwit stalker b/c his name is a couple letters off from "dimwit" and he just doesn't seem to get it. it's a little mean but it's what I changed his name to in my phone so I could recognize whenever he called me.
anyway, I digress...I saw him as I was parking in the lot behind the take-out place. So I called in my order from the car, then called my friend hoping he'd leave without me having to 'chat'. No such luck. I got out of my car after 5min to go inside to get my order when he suddenly stopped talking on his phone (he was standing near his car and talking while I was in my car). He said hi. I said hi(damn polite manners instilled in me from childhood) while walking. He asked me if I know this girl he teaches (he has asked me about this poor girl about 5 times - every time he's seen me since I decided not to date him again) I say "poor girl" b/c she works at the same company as me and she's one of the couriers so I know who she is and she knows who I am but we don't really chat, we're not friends.
This girl told me that he kept asking her if she knew me(he taught a class she took at a local college). I told her that "yeah, I know who he is, he really should leave you alone, because really....". She laughed, I laughed, so maybe she won't hold his latent stalking against me when she delivers mail to my box. Maybe.

Anyhoo, today he asks me again if I know her. I say yes. He then asks me to tell her hi. Yeah I'm going to do that...never! He then tells me to "keep in touch, don't be a stranger". It is a shame that we live in close proximity and shop at the same grocery and get Chinese take-out at the same place. Shame for me anyway but I refuse to let him stop me from doing what I normally would b/c he's a weirdo.

In other news, she finally admitted to having a crush on the guy I like (Jim). I totally have dibs. Not that it matters since I'm fairly certain that he's not interested in either of us. I told her she could ask him how he feels about her if she wants to know but I can't be involved in any way. I think I can deal with that and not destroy our friendship. She is my friend and I won't allow my jealousy to get in the way of that. I would normally offer to help but not in this case since my feelings are also involved.

He lets me flirt with him and I feel very comfortable with him. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that he and and I are not really suited. I think we can be good friends though. It's kinda nice to have guy friend to hug regularly whenever I feel like it. Plus he's quick and clever and gets all of the references I make and usually finds them funny too. He's not perfect but who is. I do like him and am just going to enjoy our friendship as it is. I want more, at least I think I do.

Sometimes I wonder if I subconsciously choose to like guys who are unattainable intentionally. And if that is so, maybe I will choose the right one someday, when I am ready for a real relationship as opposed to a fantasy one.

Sometimes I think I'd like to have a quick fling with him (or maybe not so quick ;). I am very attracted to him. But that's not me, it's just not something I'd do unless I was very, very, very drunk. A state I am determined to avoid in the near and immediate future. This is easy normally. When we go out Thursday/Sat nights, as we've been doing recently, I drive there and have to drive home afterwards. This means 1 drink on Thursday nights since we're only out for 3-4hrs and about 2 drinks on Sat. nights - I usu steal sips from my friends drinks if they have something different from me. We're usu out from 8:30 till 1 or 2am so there's plenty of time for my barely 5' body to process that alcohol. I am normally very social but one drink is usu enough for me to be extra flirty and clever :)

Our nightly outings have led to some really cool meetings with people I probably would not have met any other way. I even met group of Aussie rugby players a couple weeks ago. They were all wearing shorts even though it was maybe 35-40° outside. Why were they in upstate NY to play rugby? I can't imagine and didn't ask but I'm sure am glad they came. I of course walked up to one of them and asked him if he was an Aussie(after hearing his accent drift over) - to which he replied, "Yeah, I'm an Aussie" in his wonderful accent. This guy had slightly long, curly blond hair and pretty blue eyes, maybe 6'3" and was very well built. I then had to ask him to say something to me in his wonderful accent. He asked "what do you want me say?" I said, say " I love you..." and he said it. I then continued talking to him and another Aussie guy for the rest of the night.

My friend Z says "you are such a flirt". It's true. I am, but of course there is a line and I don't go home home or make out with any of these random guys I flirt with but it's kinda nice to talk to cute guys and have them respond in kind. Not all of the guys are cute and funny, sadly. Some are annoying but mostly they are a nice bunch and there are 'regulars' we usu see there. It's a great beer-bar.

Of course my 5-yr college reunion is coming up next month. I do plan to drink, of course, but probably just enough to get and keep my buzz going - probably in the ballpark of 2-4 drinks a night. At least that's the plan. I'm really hoping that my crush from college comes to reunion (Lit). I have this idea that after 5yrs, he'll suddenly realize what a fool he was to reject me back then and will beg me to give a him another chance. A girl can dream, can't she? Dreams don't cost anything.
Speaking of dreams, I should be having a few now...off to bed.

new tunes

I recently finished reading "The Outlaw Demon Wails"...Kim Harrison's 6th book in her Rachel Morgan series. It was totally worth the wait. It about this witch who lives with a vampire and a pixy family in an old church and the world she calls the Hollows. It's a great read if you're into that kind of fiction - urban fantasy it's called. If you like books about vampires/witches/elves/werewolves and the like, this series might be for you.

I read about how music inspires her on her site and recently bought a new CD based on this - Best of Corvus Corax (cool review here). It is the coolest sound I've heard in a while. If you hate bagpipes, it's probably not for you. They are a medieval rock band. I didn't even know that such bands existed. They totally rock though. If there was rock music back then, it would have sounded like this.

This is the kind of music they should have used in the movie "A Knight's Tale". Maybe I would have liked the movie if they had. Even if they still had them play "we will rock you", it would have been better on medieval instruments. The electric guitars and drum kits really killed it for me. But I digress.

Here's a YouTube video set to one of my fav songs on the CD "Mille Anni Passi Sunt". The track Harrison mentioned was "Filii Neidhardi" which is another fav of mine as it reminded her of one the elves in the story.

I can't keep still when I hear most of the tracks on this CD.

in the moment

That guy from the gym finally asked me out. It only took him a year or so. He asked if he could take me out for my bday which is next week. So we went out tonight and it was much more fun than I anticipated. We chatted for quite a while - we met just after 7pm and had a wait for our table but by 7:40 we were seated. We left at 10pm. The time just flew by. He suggested that we should do this again. I agreed. I didn't have high expectations for dinner so I am kind of surprised at how much I enjoyed tonight.
If nothing else comes of it, that's fine. I'm trying to live more in the moment, enjoying each good one as it comes and trying not to look too far ahead.

mixed bag

I'm doing better this week than I was last week. Well, as far as the (my)paranoia is concerned. This is a plus. I also went to the gym Fri night and did my 20min weight training plus 55min on the treadmill. I did interval jogging in between my brisk walking. I'm so outta shape that I could only jog for 1-2min at a time but that's ok. It's a start.
I'm in a much more reasonable frame of mind - what with all the endorphins I released on Fri.

On Mon, I texted SP(guy from the bar I'm interested in) to ask how his Easter was. Well, he didn't see fit to text me back until Thurs night. Yep, and in this text, he tells me that he's sorry for not answering me back sooner but "he didn't look at his phone until late Mon night and forgot". So he didn't think of me once in nearly 4 days. It's so obvious that he's not interested in me that I can't pretend anymore. I can no longer fool myself about it. He has also not made any attempt to ask me out, to try to see me other than at the bar in the wee hrs.

So we ended up at the bar after the movie/food. We left a while after they closed as we were finishing our drinks. I told him, "see you later". He said "Maybe". I think he thought I meant it literally. What I meant was "Later" as in "whenever dude". He asked if we were going to the bar next door and I told him I wasn't hungry so there was no need. I'm done now. I done trying to get his attention. He's not interested and I'm a bit disappointed and sad about it. But there are many things that are far worse in this world.

It's hard not to get negative. It's difficult not to feel that this is all I'll ever have - imagining that guys who aren't into me like me/want to date me. They never do. At least, they haven't so far. It's hard imagining that they ever will. I can't think about this any more right now.

We went out last night to see Stop-Loss. It is definitely worth seeing. It was really sad in parts(as expected)and I had to keep blinking to keep the tears at bay.

a better day

My paranoia quotient has been off the charts lately(which is not news to anyone who read my previous post :) Last night I was thinking that maybe I should give the psychologist I saw a while ago a call. Maybe make an appointment. Last night was not a good night for me but I've had worse. It took forever for me to fall asleep. I just couldn't shut my mind down and relax enough.

I went out walking for 15min or so Sun evening. I didn't have on enough layers so I had to cut it shorter than I'd originally planned and when I got back in, my feet were killing me. I soaked them in warm water and that helped.

Tonight I went to the gym for the first time in a long time - since early February I think. I read something today that said that you should do your cardio first followed by strength training to get the best out of your workout. So I did 30min of brisk walking on the treadmill first. The first 10min were a bit tough. Anyhoo, the first 10min of walking tonight was hard and my legs hurt quite a bit but I didn't stop and I just kept at it. Afterwards I did about 20min free weights/machines. By the time I was done, my legs felt like they would buckle under me. It was a little scary. I am never doing that again. I am going to stick to my usual 10min warm up, then 20-30min free weights, then do 25-30min cardio last. Maybe part of my problem tonight was that I am so out of shape. That's what happens when you let weeks go by without exercising in any shape or form.

My easter weekend was good. I sang with local church choir at all the services, Thurs/Fri/Sat night and Sun morning. It was tiring but fun. I'm glad I did it and that my voice held out. I mention this because at one point during the service on Fri night, we had to kneel in our robes and I usu do one knee but figured as it was Good Friday I should kneel properly. Well, when I tried to get up, I swear I pulled a muscle in my back. Luckily, it was just a slight pull but my back felt weird for a couple days. I figured if I was so out of shape that I couldn't kneel and get up without risking injury - it was time for me to start exercising again.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep better tonight. I had a long hot shower and I may put some ice on my knees/quads/ankles. A vast proportion of my body aches. This is good though. If I can manage to wake up early enough, I'm going to get an early walk in tomorrow. That's the plan.

Random Ramblings

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone. Or more accurately, be alone forever.

She keeps asking me questions but she doesn't really want to know what I think. She doesn't. She keeps saying "oh you seem upset, why?". She asks this when I am perfectly fine. At least fine until she keeps asking whether I am fine. I take people at their word, usually. I don't trust easily and once broken, my trust is very hard to regain. It also annoys me when people tell me I look tired, then ask if I am tired. WTF? Thanks for informing me that you think I look like crap. No really, thanks. It suddenly makes all my tiredness melt away when you say that. It really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Morons.

I also dislike being asked "what are you thinking?" question. My thoughts are my own. I'm not shy. If I wanted to tell you what I was thinking, I would. But you know what, people don't want to know what I'm thinking a lot of the time. They don't. Sometimes I just want to be left in peace, to just be, without having to account for every expression they think they can see on my face. What I want say is "what's it to you?"

And then there's the random hostilities from random people. Like when I eat my lunch at 1:30 as I often do since I usu have a snack at 10:30 - they say, ooh, are you eating lunch late today? Like they give a shit? Like it's any of their business? That's what I want to say. They don't want to hear that. Even though they are not kind often, I will come off as over-reacting if I tell them to Fuck Off! Maybe, I would be over-reacting :-D But so what. I just want them to leave me alone. I don't ask them "what smells like that, is that onions? is that your lunch?" with a distasteful look on your face. Or "are those peas?" as if I have worms in my lunch bowl. Yes, I've been asked that. Don't ask me shit questions. When you don't have jack-shit to say, shut the hell up. Don't ask me inane questions because you're bored? It's not my job to satisfy your morbid curiosity. I would be just as happy, happier even, if you just nodded and walked on by me as I watched my lunch heat in the microwave. I don't need company for that. Thanks.

If their questions were the least bit clever or funny, then I wouldn't get as ticked off as I do. One of these days I'm going to snap at one of them and then they'll wonder where the heck that came from. I've decided that I'm not going to respond to hostile questions or comments anymore. I'm either going to smile and nod or say "Really?". That's it. Maybe I'll get some satisfaction from that.

Back to my main point - I did have one when I began this post but somehow got carried away...yeah, so several guys would ask her out and have asked her out. She has refused them all. The only one I think she's interested in is the only one who might be interested in me. This really bothers me. I can't talk about it. She keeps asking how I feel about him. I wonder why she needs to know. I also wonder why she just can't back off and let me see if this guy really likes me or not. No one has asked me out. They keep asking me if she's single? WTF? I'm am no longer answering that question - I'm just going to have direct their question to her. What do I look like? A personal secretary?
She keeps saying she thinks that he might like both of us. I kinda bought into that at first. But now, I wonder if I didn't screw things up for myself by including her in stuff he told me. Maybe he too is confused about it. I don't know. I do know that I have his number because I asked for it. She dared me but I wouldn't have gone through with it if I hadn't wanted to call him or have him call me. Of course he hasn't called. He's texted me a few times. I am just not a "text-er". It takes me forever to type the simplest of things on my phone. Plus I have to pay extra for each text and calls don't cost me anything(I have more min than I I ever use). He has yet to call me though.

If a friend of mine explained this to me - my current sitch...this whole texting back and forth that we've been doing and hanging out at the bar - I would immediately tell her "he's so not into you". I just have to accept it.

When guys are interested, they call. They ask you out. They don't ask if both you and your friend are coming out. They don't ask you to send your friend out when you are sick. They do ask you out. They don't sit on your phone number for nearly a month without doing something pro-active.

I know it. I've just been in denial. I am a fool. It's just that he's very clever and cute and funny. And so quick. Damn, it's such a shame. I'm ready to let it go now before I really fall for this guy who's not interested in me. Only the losers ever call. Life sucks sometimes.

open letter to jim

Yes I asked for your number. Yes I texted you first (sort of, my friend did but you didn't know that).
You have texted me a couple times since then. I think you think we're a package deal.
Still, I was confused about whether you were interested in me or my friend.

Tonight, you texted me to ask if my friend and I are coming to the bar tonight.
I have a cold, so there's on way I'm putting alcohol in my body anytime soon. So I text you back to say I have a cold and am not sure if my friend is coming or not.
You have the gall to text me back and feign like you care, "oh sorry you're ill but you will be better by next weekend right? Oh and also send your friend out tonight."

As if. As if I decide what she does/when she can go out. She does make up her own mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am no longer confused. I think if he was interested in me, he wouldn't have suggested that I "send my friend out".

Last week when we all were hanging out, I think I made it pretty clear that I was interested. His friend made it clear that he was interested in my friend. So what's the deal? I think my friend is also interested in him - even though she was the one who encouraged me to get his number in the first place. Why do that if you are interested in the guy for yourself? I would never do that. I can never understand other people's motives. They don't make any sense to me. I'm very blunt and not at all subtle or intentionally vague. At least people know where they stand with me. I, on the other hand, often wonder exactly where I stand with them.

I think I know. I'm no longer in denial or confused. I'm just an idiot.

reasons

I want more. I want to find a good man. Sometimes it's hard to explain it. But I know what I don't want. I want to feel more than I do. More than I have before. I'm reading this book, Odd Mom Out, it's a great read. I want to feel the way she feels about this guy Luke in the book. I've never felt that way before. I've had crushes but looking back, that's all they were, crushes.
Reading this book has brought all sorts of sad feelings out of hiding. I put away most of these feelings. I block them out, but they creep to the forefront of my mind from time to time. I want to cry but don't have a reason. At least not a reason that I can easily define. I have reasons for everything. Reasons for doing most of the things I do and say. I was talking to Z yesterday and said, that even though my reasons may not make sense to others, they make sense to me. Z said that the way I explain it, it actually does make sense even though it shouldn't :) I guess that's a good thing.

I got in bed early last night, just before 9pm. I had a cup of hot chocolate and my book and of course my nightly tunes on. I fell asleep at some point, with my glasses on, the light on. I woke up at 4:30am. Probably b/c my light was on and I needed the loo badly. I was tired but didn't feel like going back to sleep so I found my page in my book and continued reading. Then I started thinking and remembering and couldn't quite focus on my book. I wanted to get some of this out but now that I'm here and writing, the words escape me. I need a cup of tea and more sleep.

odds and ends

I've been so tired lately. I know why. I haven't been on a good sleeping schedule. I'm sleeping though most nights as soon as my head hits the pillow. This is good. What isn't so good is that I'm not getting to bed early enough to capitalize on this.

I don't even have a good excuse for being up late - it's not like there's anything that great on tv. I guess I've just been restless lately.

I did finally end things with TW. We met for coffee the sat after valentine's day. He and I talked for some time. He wouldn't come right out and admit it but I think he also realized that we were not going anywhere couple-wise. We just weren't a good fit. I knew it from the 2nd date. but my friends kept saying that I shouldn't give up on a seemingly good guy too soon. Even though I couldn't express why I didn't think it was right between us didn't mean that I was wrong about it. I so need to trust my instincts. They rarely lead me wrong...unless they pertain to driving directions then I need to go opposite to my "feelings" :)
I don't regret meeting him. It was kinda fun having someone to go bowling with whenever I felt like it. That's about all I miss. We parted as friends sorta. I have no plans to call him up to "go hang out" anytime soon. I think a clean break is best.

In the meantime, Z and I have been going out most Thurs night to our local beer bar - it has beers from around the world and has a really cool crowd there Thurs night who are mostly young professionals/grad students. It is rare that we go without guys coming up to talk to us. It's really cool. We've met a few characters, sure, but they were mostly entertaining. I met a guy there who I want to call "Sarge" which is nothing like his real name but suits much better imho. He has a tattoo in his head. I'd noticed him and said tattoo before but didn't have a chance to speak to him. He jumped into one of our conversations last time and gave me the opportunity to ask about how much that tattoo must have hurt. We did a little flirting :) He asked if I came there regularly. I told him my friend and I came there from time to time. He told me that he'd look out for me soon (Z was tired so we were just about to leave when he and had our little chat). He also came right out and asked "Petra, do you have a man?". To which I replied. "Currently, no" Then he said, "I will remember that next time we meet". To which I replied, "You do that". Overall, it was a pretty fun night.

Sometimes I meet people and we chat for a while and then afterwards I sometimes think about the conversation and wonder if maybe I should have responded in a different way but that night I felt pretty good. The words just came to me.

So I mentioned Sarge to my Mum in passing...why, I don't know but I did. Her comment (keep in mind that I only talked to the guy once) was "well, I hope you know if you need blood, you can't get it from him since he has tattoos".
Yeah, that's my Mum sometimes. She leaves one speechless. Cause what can you say to that?

Time for bed - the road are going to be more of a mess tomorrow morning than they were on my drive home tonight so I need to leave for work a little earlier.

35%

maybe I won't be sick forever

Ever since I took my last antibiotic on Sat morning, it felt like I was sick again. The coughing fits...back. The ear popping...back again. Plus I needed my inhaler twice a day since Sun. None of these were good signs. My nasal drip was back as well, b/c I haven't been able to take rhinocort regularly (nose bleeds/stuffy nose) so my stomach has been upset a lot lately in addition to the discomfort of always feeling like I need to clear my throat.

So I went to the doctor again yesterday - whenever I call for an appt, I always have to explain myself twice. First to the receptionist then to the nurse after she calls me back. Once I explain my situation to her, she then gives me an appt. I think it's a little ridiculous that the nurse has to declare me sick enough to be seen. But whatever.

I saw a doc I haven't seen before. He looked at my chart and immediately told me - you know you are a poster child for pollen allergies. He went on to say that I'm one of those people who's allergic to so many pollens that it has to be heavily controlled with asthma drugs even though the rot cause of my problems is allergens not asthma. He also told me that once I got the dosages of my allergy shot up to monthly dosing (I'm currently on biweekly dosing schedule), I'd really notice a difference and be able to cut down on the asthma drugs. He also said that I probably have oral allergy syndrome(OAS). I'd never heard of that before. He explained that b/c of my pollen allergies, I probably also got cross-reactions to fruit. I have noticed that many fruits when eaten raw make my lips/tongue itch but I can usually drink the juice. I told him this and he said that was typical.

He looked in my ears and throat and listened to my lungs (standard procedure) then he told me we had a few options.

Option a)he could prescribe prednisone for a few days - I told him I'd prefer not b/c I tend to have serious side effects to oral steroids, at least with the inhaled ones I currently take, the side effects are minimized.

Option b)we could increase my dosages of the current corticosteroids I'm on - again I told him I'd rather not, as I'm already on the middle dose and going on the higher dose would really increase the side effects I'd experience.

Option c)he could prescribe Z-pak for 5 days which would kill any atypical bugs that Augmentin might have missed-he also said that augmentin would have been his first choice as well. The Augmentin I took was prescibed by another doc I normally see in the practice. He thought I still had some lingering infection. He also gave me a Rx and sample for Astelin for the nasal drip. Unlike Rhinocort, it isn't a steroid so shouldn't cause nose bleeds. Only thing is that the spray is nasty if it gets in the back of your throat so I just have to stay upright for 15min after I take it. He said I should be able to feel like myself by the end of the Z-pak course.

Fingers crossed.

the crux of the matter

I kept thinking that over time I'd start feeling more. I figured he's a nice guy. Normal, mostly. It's not perfect. It isn't abusive. I'm just bored and can't see myself with him long term. It's been 3 months. I think I would know by now. He just doesn't excite me. I used to get more excited about reading his emails than about meeting him in person. This is not a good sign. He sometimes lets 6 or 7 days go by without emailing me even though email is our primary source of communication. He doesn't have a cell phone. He works behind a computer all day and expected me to believe that he only just saw my email after 4 days. I didn't buy that for a minute.
T says that excitement doesn't last but if it isn't even there at the beginning, what's the point? Why even bother?

I wrote an email to him last night but I couldn't send it. I think he deserves more than an email. I need to tell him face-to-face even though I'd rather avoid it. He emailed about going out for drinks on Valentine's day. I emailed back that I'm not a believer in celebrating such a fake day. He admitted that he was glad I didn't like it. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation.

I've thought about asking to just-be-friends but really the only thing I want to do with him is go bowling. I will miss going bowling with him. When we go bowling, I do have fun. Every time. In the car, it's gets a little weird for me. I try to keep the conversation going. I was trying to explain how I felt to my sis and I told her how sometimes I can't think of anything to say. This is weird for me - I can strike up conversations and do have random conversations with people all the time. She said, "if you can't think of something to say, you have to end it - because normally you talk all the time". Yeah, there was a backwards compliment in there somewhere(I think :)

I don't regret meeting him. It has been fun. As long as we had a specific activity to do. Otherwise it just feels like hard work. The crux of the matter is that I don't feel a strong connection to him, the kind of connection I want to have with a partner. I don't think that's his fault, I think it just isn't there. Now all I have to do is explain this.

Then of course there's the cloak-and-dagger thing with his friends. Maybe he doesn't have any friends. If that's true, it's really weird but it would explain why he's never asked me to meet any. Either that or he has a real gf who knows his friends so he can't introduce me.

I don't know if I'll feel differently someday. I've never been in love with a guy who was in love with me. So I don't know if I would then want all the hype involved in Vday. I sincerely doubt it though. I've always been anti-Vday. For one thing, I'm really allergic to pollen, so I don't deal well with fresh flowers. I love chocolate but would prefer a random gift of such, just because that person thought of me. Not so they could prove to the world how great of a bf they are. Unless, that is something they'd do normally anyway. That's just how I feel. I'm ok with other people liking it and wanting to do stuff as long as I don't have to be involved.

later on Sat

Later on I went to dinner and movie with the girls. We saw Fool's Gold which was not half as bad as I was expecting. As expected, Matthew McConaughey, was shirtless for most of the movie which added to my enjoyment :)
After the movie we went to our usual hangout when we want beer and it was really fun. There were 3 of us and we found a good spot to have our beers and chat. I got there first and as usual I struck up a random conversation with a guy while I was waiting. Whenever I get there first, someone starts talking to me, it's the coolest bar ;)

Anyhoo, this time it was the door-guy-who checks IDs/etc. As the night wore on, he kept stopping by our area and making the wittiest comments. Damn, he was so quick and funny. I was very amused. They kicked us out at midnight b/c they always close at midnight and we moved to another bar a couple doors down. So door guy who let me call him J, said if we were still there by 2am, he see us there. As part of his job, he helps clean up the bar after closing. So after we were at the other bar for a short while, my friend Z dares me and offers $5 for me to go get his number. I rolled my eyes and tried to get out of it but I really can't resist a serious dare. So I went over there, had to knock on the door b/c they'd locked up and then explain to the owner who answered it...yeah, I kinda forgot something, I need to ask J about it. As I expected, he smirked then called J to the door. I told him that I kinda needed to get his number. He gave it to me and I left(there was a funny exchange but I won't get into it). He mentioned that I should text him b/c he usu has the ringer off.
So I go back to the other bar, mission accomplished and feeling somewhat triumphant and a little embarrassed.
My friends got excited when I showed them his number. So excited that Z took my phone and then proceeded to text him. It was all so funny. It was such a fun night and I laughed and laughed for most of it. I only had 1 beer at the first bar and stuck to water after that so I wasn't drunk at all in spite of all my laughter and Z's insinuations :)
Then this weird guy comes over to our table and sits himself down - partly my fault - b/c he came over at first when my friends were elsewhere and asked something or other and I answered. I shouldn't have encouraged him. Because then this other weird girl came over, sat herself down next to me (in Z's seat no less) and made a nuisance of herself. The following bizarre conversation ensued.
Weird Girl: My friend (weird guy) is a great guy
Me: Ummm, that's good to know
W. Guy: do you girls have jobs?(what kind of question is that?)
Me: Yes, we're chemists
W. Guy(eyes wide and interested): Really, do you make "meth"?
My friend M: Ummm, no.
Me: No. We're legit, we make stuff for a reputable pharmaceutical company
W. Girl: what do you do?
Me: We're chemists?
W.Girl: do you test animals?
Me: no we don't do any actual testing, we just make stuff that someday might become something like tylenol, what we make is shipped and tested elsewhere
W. Girl: natural things are better for the body, what you are doing is wrong (WTF?)
Me: What?
W. Girl: what do you do? (OH no back to this again)
Me: I told you already
W. Girl: what you make hurts people and you should stop(who is this weird girl?)
Me: Listen, you are entitled to your opinion but what do mean by saying what we do is wrong, this is what we do and if that offends you, you don't have to sit here
W. Girl: where are you from?
Me: what does that have to do with anything?
W. Girl: oh I didn't mean anything by it, I was just trying to place your accent(Huh?)
Me: I'm from Trinidad
W.Girl: where is that?
Me: the Caribbean
W. Girl: where is that? you are not from NY, you sound like you're from around here
Me: nope, Trinidad, the Caribbean

At this point I wanted to find a way to extricate myself from this weird duo who seemed like they might have been high. W. Girl had a pierced lower lip which I personally find disturbing up close. Then she said something about how she is hard of hearing and people mistakenly think she's offending them but she just trying to place where people are from or something like that. I kinda stopped listening at this point. Also, J from our first bar, texted me back (well, he ans the message Z had sent to him via my phone as me :) So then my friends and I passed the phone around so they could see the message too. Not to be left out, W. Girl opens her phone and shows a picture of her cat (which was a cute sleeping cat) and proceeds to give me it's life story. Finally the guy writes his number on a napkin, slides it over to us and leaves. The girl got up to use the ladies. I hustled my friends the hell out of there. I did not fancy talking to that weird girl ever again.

I finally got home at 2:30am and 15min later J finally texts me again to say he'd been in the bar we just left for 10min. I replied that we had to leave. NO response from him but it was 3am by then. I drifted to sleep soon after my head hit my pillow.
I'm too old to be staying out that late. I of course woke up at 8am today. Which in a way is fine b/c I have to feed Timmy and take my morning meds (asthma/antibiotics) but I feel kinda like death. At least, no hangover since I only had 1 drink over the 6hrs we were out, that'd be worse. I am really tired though and my cough is still here. My ears were popping yesterday. I am a little concerned b/c I thought the antibiotics I've been on for 10days(took the last one this morning) would have taken care of all of that.

early sat

I was out for most of the day on Sat. At 9am, went to breakfast with T, delicious as always. I had french toast, scrambled eggs and sausage. I managed not to get the home fries and as a result did not feel totally ill :)

I emailed TW Fri night to ask if he wanted to go bowling during the afternoon - the whole week went by without him emailing me even though I emailed him back on Mon. So he called me Sat around 11:30 to say he wanted to go. So we went and it was mostly fun. Once we have stuff to do, it's usually fun. I asked him how his week was and he was his usual evasive self. He said something about how his grandmother, who's in a care facility, was having some trouble but didn't elaborate further. He said it's been a tough week. Again no details.

Another thing I realized yesterday is that not only have I not met any of his friends(after 3months) but when he does mention them he never refers to them by name. Is he some CIA guy who can't name names? Just another weird thing. I'm ready to end it now. I feel kinda like a jerk to want to end it before V-day. I'm torn between waiting until after V-day or just ending it before. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation either way. I almost wish I could be like a guy - like all the guys who've ceased being interested in me - just not call/email. No explanation, no reasons, no messy talk. Just no contact until I get the hint.

back to square one?

I went to my company party with TW. It was fun. The food was not nearly as good as it normally is, but at least the desserts were still on par. Most people dress up. TW remarked that everyone was all fancy. I told him that this is the one chance for most of us to dress up since we tend to wear jeans/khakis most days.

Afterwards about 10 of us went bowling. That was great fun. It was good to see TW interact with my friends. My friend C also told me that our height difference didn't seem weird - which I was kinda glad to hear. The thing is that I still haven't met any of his friends. Not even one. You'd think that someone who was born and grew up in this town, went to both undergrad and grad school in this town would have several friends here. One would also think that he want his friends to meet me. I moved here just over 5 yrs ago. I didn't go to high school here and I went to uni 4hrs north of here. I still have several friends here who I've told about TW who wanted to meet him. That's one of the reasons I invited him, so he could meet my friends and also so I could see him interact with other people. He got a thumbs-up from my friends. This is good.

I'm still on the fence as far as he is concerned. When we go out bowling or to play pool or darts we have a good time. However when we just go out for a drink or for a meal, I find myself getting bored. We went out for a drink last week and he said "I'm a very boring person..." What kind of thing is that to say? If he was looking for me to say "oh no TW, you aren't at all boring" he is looking at the wrong chick. That's just not me. He also doesn't realize that is so not the thing to say to me. I don't do boring. I prefer interesting, funny, sarcastic, witty. I feel kinda bad sometimes. My friends say he definitely seems to like me. I think (and this is probably b/c I am in no way lacking in self esteem) -what's not to like? of course he likes me. I'm a good catch even if I say so myself. I'm smart, funny and attractive. A little weird sure but definitely interesting.

On the surface, he seems fine. Just not for me, I think. There are several little things that I can't quite get past which on their own would be fine but taken altogether are a bit much. I should probably end things but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Normally, when I don't think things are working out with a guy, I'm out. Like that! With very little in the way of guilt or regrets.

We still haven't had that conversation about boyfriend or not boyfriend or just dating or exclusive. He hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know the answer to that question so I won't be asking.

One last thing. I had a really weird dream about him - like scary/embarassing/freaky weird. I will not go into too many details other than to say that he was in it(fully clothed), his mother(who I of course have not met) and I was naked for most of it. Let's just say that I was well and truly freaked out by it. I figured that the dream was probably due to my misgivings about him. Still, it's difficult not to take it as a warning.

come on february

February has started and is in fine form. I did a couple rxns and they worked - not spectacularly but still reasonably well. Also, the best news ever, my supervisor has changed to a much more reasonable person in my group. No longer will I have to report to that moron. I shouldn't call him that. But he just made it so hard for me - I don't know if it was a language issue with him or what. Doesn't matter anymore b/c now he can harass/annoy his new minion instead of me. This came after a particularly trying day last Wed where he came up to me at least 6 times and asked "what are you doing?" WTF does it look like I'm doing...staring into space? picking my nose? NO dumbass, my hands have gloves on and I'm purifying this compound or I'm writing observations in my notebook. If I was staring into space, maybe he'd have a legit reason for asking me that shit. As it was, I told him several times, my goals/plans for the day and yet he kept asking like he had amnesia or something.
Now I can just let it go. It was very freeing. I don't function well when all that rage is festering inside. It just made me so angry. All I wanted to listen to was that song by Three Days Grace "Animal I Have Become". It helped a little.

I'm feeling better now. I had another cold. ON the 10th day I finally went to the doc b/c my ears which had been popping the whole time had finally become clogged. I could barely hear out of my left ear. It was very weird. So I went in and got augmentin for 10 days. That ear has been really painful from time to time but at least it's not clogged anymore and my runny nose has finally tapered off after 13 days of running. My cough is also much better.

February is definitely better than January was and it's only been 5 days. I'm am all about February.

another week, another cold

I have another cold. I think this is s new record for me - 3 colds in a month. I had a sore throat Tues night and woke up with it Wed morning. I went to work for a couple hrs Wed and then went home b/c I was feeling pretty bad. Also stayed home Thu - coughed all day. Went in on Fri and felt much better even though I was still hoarse and coughing occasionally. I felt better. Sat morning I woke up with a headache and a sore throat and was a bit concerned but I just ignored it, took some sudafed and went about my day. took a walk with my friend around 9pm after dinner - this was probably a mistake b/c I wasn't dressed warmly enough for walking outside in 24F temps. I woke up today with a headache, hoarseness and bad cough. I still went to choir and made it through rehearsal with only a few coughs. During the service though - it was bad. I had to go to the bathroom about 8 times to cough - it sounded like my lungs were going to come up in my throat. It was getting worse b/c the service was going on and I was trying not to cough. That always makes it worse. So half-way through the service I left and came home. I spent the day resting mostly and am off to bed now. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. It's so annoying to be sick again. I'm so fed up of it. At work they tell me to stay home when I'm sick but they never do. They come in sick and infect me and then I always get sicker than they do. It sucks ass.