All About Lit

This is about Lit(short for his fav drink), I daren't put his initials.

I decided to write about him separately b/c last night I was so exhausted (small wonder since I went to sleep after 1am).

I thought Lit and I were soulmates. In my weaker moments, I still think this. But I don't want to believe that anymore because if it's true then I've missed my chance and I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Even though I did everything I could as far as he was concerned. But as that Bonnie Raitt song goes--- "...I can't make you love me, if you don't...you can't make your heart feel something it won't..." That line sums up our whole relationship (for want of a better word).

When we first met, it wasn't love at first sight (which I'm not sure I really believe in). It was more like I noticed him. Thought he was cute, finagled an introduction through mutual friends. It took about 2 months before I thought about him possibly being my soulmate. Once I'd decided that, my obsession took off from there.

Examples of my obsession:

• I felt as if my day was ruined if I didn't see or talk to him at least once every day even though we weren't dating.
• I went to every home game for our DIII soccer team senior year-even when it was 25°F outside - because he was on the team.

My partner in crime during all this game watching and stalking, I mean accidentally meeting, was my college roomie. She actually loves soccer (and soccer players ;) so it was no hardship for her to come with me to all these games. She's one my best friends and I love that girl. She unfortunately also had to listen to me talk about Lit all the time but she never told me to shut up or get over it. She supported me 100%. Got to love friends like that.

Going to every game may not sound like much unless you consider that I knew almost nothing about soccer and had never watched a game willingly. Even though I grew up in the Caribbean I thought it was kind of boring and always complained when it was on tv (during world cup was the worst) cause that's what everyone else wanted to watch it. I was never interested at all. Until Lit. When I found out he was on the soccer team - I became a soccer fan.

I did many other things I won't write here (some of them can loosely be considered stalking :)

When Lit and I became friends, it was great. I didn't have to arrange to accidentally meet him anymore cause we actually made plans to do things together. We had fun together. He has a curious mind which I loved because I'm curious about so many things myself. We often ate together, either breakfast or dinner most days during the week and usu Sat brunch. (Our school had a great dining hall in our dorm and I still miss it after 3yrs)
He could always make me laugh. He could say anything with a straight face. I can never do that and have always admired such a trait in others.

He was in my year and he brought me into his group of friends. It was great because most of my friends were underclassmen (as I'd transferred in my junior yr) which was fine, but you go through very different experiences from yr to yr and it was great to have people who were doing the same things I was.

We used to be able to talk about almost anything. We spent many nights and weekends talking until 1 or 2am. He was always a perfect gentleman even when I would have encouraged him to be otherwise. He just got me, you know. I couldn't ask for more than that right? Wrong? I should have been thinking that he needed to want me as well.

Anyhoo, eventually I worked up the courage and told him how I felt and asked if he was interested. [I should have just asked to be hit in the head with a blunt object and put out of my misery]. He didn't feel the same and said so but wanted to continue being friends. And I thought that I'd take whatever I could get. Plus, a part of me always hoped that he'd change his mind. We got closer. I was more forward with him that I've ever been. I usually wait for a guy to make the first move but with him, I couldn't wait. He didn't accept and turned away from all my advances. I had no shame where he was concerned, none at all. I don't regret telling him of my feelings. I don't regret the time I spent with him. I do wish I'd gotten over him sooner.

And after we graduated, his feelings never changed. I know, because I asked. More than once. Pathetic right? without a doubt. We kept in touch mostly by me sending funny 'thinking of you' cards and b'day cards, email, phone calls - which he always returned but hardly ever initiated himself. I even (and this I'm a little ashamed of) sent him Valentine cards every year. Usually funny friend ones (that's how I justified them to myself).

Early this year I'd had enough. I'd cried enough. I'd felt sorry enough for myself. I kept wondering what was wrong with me? Was I flawed in some way that he could see? Is that why he didn't want me? Was I not worthy of being loved? I felt like a pathetic loser and I couldn't stand myself.

Then I read many of the relationship books out there, some bad, some that were just dumb and a few that were somewhat insightful - including "he's just not that into you" which I do recommend as well as "why men love bitches". I decided that I had to treat him the way I did all of my other guy friends. Which meant, no more b'day cards or thinking of you notes or phonecalls and especially no valentines card. Just the occassional email and christmas card, no more than that. I also realized that I had to get over him and move on.

It really hurt. It hurt because it was hard to deal with the fact that he wasn't attracted to me, didn't want to be with me when I wanted to spend my life with him. I recognized him as my soulmate, why didn't he recognize me as well? He never misled me but he never actively pushed me away either. So my hope remained alive for a long time.

I had ignored other guys who were interested in the hope that one day Lit would awaken and realize that he was in love with me too. I had many scenarios for how he'd be hit with such an epiphany:) Obviously, I've read too many romance novels. I can almost laugh about it now. No guy could measure up to how I saw him and what I thought I could have with him if we were together. I had to stop the madness.

So I wrote him this crazy 4 page letter. Crazy b/c I put everything I had felt and was feeling into it. I didn't plan to mail it, it was cathartic enough just writing it. But one day, I put it in an envelope and addressed it. I carried it in my car for 2wks, wrestled with the post office lady for it after she gave me the stamp b/c wasn't sure I should mail it after all. Then...I let it go.

And predictably, he called, even though I asked him not to in the letter. My first words after hello...I guess you got my crazy letter....At first he wouldn't even discuss said letter. He said something like...blah blah we'll get to that later...how are you? So I played along all the time wanting to get it over with. In the letter, I basically said that I couldn't just be his friend anymore b/c I always kept hoping for more and that I had finally accepted that he was never going to see me that way. His response...what he always says, why can't we just keep things the way they are...blah blah blah...it's not me, he doesn't want to have a relationship with anyone...blah blah. This call happened in March, I didn't call or send a card for his b'day. No card from him for mine. He did email me after the fact but I didn't answer it.

Last month, in a weak moment, I emailed him but it got returned undelivered. Wasn't sure what to make of that. But I figured that maybe it was for the best.

I've finally accepted it, he and I - not meant to be. I still miss him though. I used to talk to him about anything and everything. Stuff happens in my everyday life that I want to tell him about. I want to know how he is. I want to hear him laugh.

I had to end it and though I wish I was able to stay in touch and move on at the same time, I just couldn't. So I made a not-so-clean break.

Update: as of April 2008
Lit and I are emailing again. I can't remember how it started it but he emailed one day and then I emailed him back and we were ok. I'm still keeping it casual and simple. It doesn't hurt anymore so I guess I'm over him.