I was reading some selected posts from Ann's blog and came across her "search for love entries".
And then I started thinking, then I had to write this down.
I've been in love once. I've been infatuated way too many times to ever write about them all here but I'll mention the most memorable ones. During my infatuations, they seemed like love to me but I know that they weren't that. At least I know that now. For me, infatuations made me happy, sad, excited and a little depressed. But love (unrequited) is so far removed from anything I felt before or since that I recognize that there's a difference.
I had 1 main crush in elementary school, JT, and I think that was the last time a guy liked me at the same time I liked him. We remained friends through high school - he went to an all-boys high school near my all-girls high school. We never dated though cause that just wasn't allowed for me at that time but we saw each other fairly often. He'd often come by to meet me after school and we'd walk together. We wrote each other lovely letters. Unfortunately, I burned all of them. I spoke to him about them years later(in my early 20s) - he still kept mine and was quite upset when I confessed to destroying the ones from him. Privacy was such a big issue for me as a teen (lots of extended family came and went in our house and I didn't want my privacy invaded so felt I had to destroy them). I tried to explain but he didn't really seem to understand. He's quite successful today and I hear from or about him whenever I go home.
I sort of had 2 crushes during my last year of high school when I transferred to a coed school. RL and DLK. RL was so funny, smart but it was his eyes that drew me in. He could draw too and he and I used to doodle together on the same paper during study hall. I still have a couple drawings he did. While I was following and hanging on every word out of RL's mouth, DLK was following me around.
I noticed DLK and even though he and I flirted a lot, I was never serious (so sure that RL was the man for me). DLK used to say the most outrageous things to me and I'd always respond in kind. I still remember a very funny exchange we had where he said something like "you weren't complaining about the whips/chains last night". People thought we were seeing each other, understandable misconception considering our conversations. I think that was the first time that I flirted in a sexual way with a guy. I was 17 and he was 18/19. I could tell that he was sometimes hurt by my flippancy or when I ignored him in favor of RL but, back then I think he'd have done anything for me. If I had to relive that time, I think I'd pay more attention to him and less to RL.
Unfortunately, RL saw me as one of the guys (the recurring theme of my love life) and I remained clueless of this fact for far too long. We kept in touch for about a year after high school but then I never heard from him again. DLK saw me as a woman which he expressed in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways. I saw him once when I was 22 and he was built very nicely by then - no longer the lanky guy I remembered. I was really sorry I hadn't paid closer attention to him.
But life is like that sometimes - the people you notice either don't notice you or don't think of you in the same light. And vice-versa.
I had 4 unrequited crushes in college, 1 for each yr almost.
Freshman yr: He had a live-in girlfriend so this was doomed from the start. I thought MG was so cool. He was in the army and was studying nursing. I really liked him a lot but knew it was never going to go anywhere. He was kind and he made me laugh. We hung out from time to time as we had a class together and sometimes we'd have lunch and chat. Some small part of me thought that maybe he and the gf would break up and then he'd be free to see me. Then I met her and she gave me the evil eye, I swear, no one has looked at me like that before or since. Needless to say, I limited the time I spent with him after that.
Sophomore yr: This was short-lived and lasted 2 wks. I got over my crush after R told me that he was gay. It was so obvious, I don't know how I didn't realize it before. He and I remained good friends for a while but then we had a really stupid fight (though I can't even remember what about) and stopped being friends after that.
In my junior yr there were 2 main guys. The first one was Ozzy - I met him the second day during orientation when I transferred in my junior yr. He and I spent so much of our time together, laughing, on im, eating together. He's a genius and part of the reason why I felt compelled to take that Java class. In fact I hold him almost solely responsible for that :) even though he refuses to take the credit/ blame for it. He's also a very good looking man.
Back then, I thought that he must know how I feel and he must feel the same way. I'd finally decided that I had to tell him how I felt. But he beat me to the punch. Sort of. But his confession was that he had feelings for my best friend and roomie.
I didn't speak to him for a week. Then I realized that my pride was more hurt than my heart. The signs were there but I'd ignored them. After all, I was the one he spent most of his time with. Of course, he was also spending a lot of time with my friend at the same time. He and I continued being friends and I think we'll be friends for a long time. Now he's like the brother I never had. What can I say? Life works out in the strangest ways sometimes.
Sometime after that in the fall of my junior yr was when I first noticed Lit (as I referred to him after I found out that his fav drink was Long-Island Iced Tea) more on him later.
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