Sunday, March 30

mixed bag

I'm doing better this week than I was last week. Well, as far as the (my)paranoia is concerned. This is a plus. I also went to the gym Fri night and did my 20min weight training plus 55min on the treadmill. I did interval jogging in between my brisk walking. I'm so outta shape that I could only jog for 1-2min at a time but that's ok. It's a start.
I'm in a much more reasonable frame of mind - what with all the endorphins I released on Fri.

On Mon, I texted SP(guy from the bar I'm interested in) to ask how his Easter was. Well, he didn't see fit to text me back until Thurs night. Yep, and in this text, he tells me that he's sorry for not answering me back sooner but "he didn't look at his phone until late Mon night and forgot". So he didn't think of me once in nearly 4 days. It's so obvious that he's not interested in me that I can't pretend anymore. I can no longer fool myself about it. He has also not made any attempt to ask me out, to try to see me other than at the bar in the wee hrs.

So we ended up at the bar after the movie/food. We left a while after they closed as we were finishing our drinks. I told him, "see you later". He said "Maybe". I think he thought I meant it literally. What I meant was "Later" as in "whenever dude". He asked if we were going to the bar next door and I told him I wasn't hungry so there was no need. I'm done now. I done trying to get his attention. He's not interested and I'm a bit disappointed and sad about it. But there are many things that are far worse in this world.

It's hard not to get negative. It's difficult not to feel that this is all I'll ever have - imagining that guys who aren't into me like me/want to date me. They never do. At least, they haven't so far. It's hard imagining that they ever will. I can't think about this any more right now.
We went out last night to see Stop-Loss. It is definitely worth seeing. It was really sad in parts(as expected)and I had to keep blinking to keep the tears at bay.

Tuesday, March 25

a better day

My paranoia quotient has been off the charts lately(which is not news to anyone who read my previous post :) Last night I was thinking that maybe I should give the psychologist I saw a while ago a call. Maybe make an appointment. Last night was not a good night for me but I've had worse. It took forever for me to fall asleep. I just couldn't shut my mind down and relax enough.

I went out walking for 15min or so Sun evening. I didn't have on enough layers so I had to cut it shorter than I'd originally planned and when I got back in, my feet were killing me. I soaked them in warm water and that helped.

Tonight I went to the gym for the first time in a long time - since early February I think. I read something today that said that you should do your cardio first followed by strength training to get the best out of your workout. So I did 30min of brisk walking on the treadmill first. The first 10min were a bit tough. Anyhoo, the first 10min of walking tonight was hard and my legs hurt quite a bit but I didn't stop and I just kept at it. Afterwards I did about 20min free weights/machines. By the time I was done, my legs felt like they would buckle under me. It was a little scary. I am never doing that again. I am going to stick to my usual 10min warm up, then 20-30min free weights, then do 25-30min cardio last. Maybe part of my problem tonight was that I am so out of shape. That's what happens when you let weeks go by without exercising in any shape or form.

My easter weekend was good. I sang with local church choir at all the services, Thurs/Fri/Sat night and Sun morning. It was tiring but fun. I'm glad I did it and that my voice held out. I mention this because at one point during the service on Fri night, we had to kneel in our robes and I usu do one knee but figured as it was Good Friday I should kneel properly. Well, when I tried to get up, I swear I pulled a muscle in my back. Luckily, it was just a slight pull but my back felt weird for a couple days. I figured if I was so out of shape that I couldn't kneel and get up without risking injury - it was time for me to start exercising again.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep better tonight. I had a long hot shower and I may put some ice on my knees/quads/ankles. A vast proportion of my body aches. This is good though. If I can manage to wake up early enough, I'm going to get an early walk in tomorrow. That's the plan.

Monday, March 24

Random Ramblings

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone. Or more accurately, be alone forever.

She keeps asking me questions but she doesn't really want to know what I think. She doesn't. She keeps saying "oh you seem upset, why?". She asks this when I am perfectly fine. At least fine until she keeps asking whether I am fine. I take people at their word, usually. I don't trust easily and once broken, my trust is very hard to regain. It also annoys me when people tell me I look tired, then ask if I am tired. WTF? Thanks for informing me that you think I look like crap. No really, thanks. It suddenly makes all my tiredness melt away when you say that. It really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Morons.

I also dislike being asked "what are you thinking?" question. My thoughts are my own. I'm not shy. If I wanted to tell you what I was thinking, I would. But you know what, people don't want to know what I'm thinking a lot of the time. They don't. Sometimes I just want to be left in peace, to just be, without having to account for every expression they think they can see on my face. What I want say is "what's it to you?"

And then there's the random hostilities from random people. Like when I eat my lunch at 1:30 as I often do since I usu have a snack at 10:30 - they say, ooh, are you eating lunch late today? Like they give a shit? Like it's any of their business? That's what I want to say. They don't want to hear that. Even though they are not kind often, I will come off as over-reacting if I tell them to Fuck Off! Maybe, I would be over-reacting :-D But so what. I just want them to leave me alone. I don't ask them "what smells like that, is that onions? is that your lunch?" with a distasteful look on your face. Or "are those peas?" as if I have worms in my lunch bowl. Yes, I've been asked that. Don't ask me shit questions. When you don't have jack-shit to say, shut the hell up. Don't ask me inane questions because you're bored? It's not my job to satisfy your morbid curiosity. I would be just as happy, happier even, if you just nodded and walked on by me as I watched my lunch heat in the microwave. I don't need company for that. Thanks.

If their questions were the least bit clever or funny, then I wouldn't get as ticked off as I do. One of these days I'm going to snap at one of them and then they'll wonder where the heck that came from. I've decided that I'm not going to respond to hostile questions or comments anymore. I'm either going to smile and nod or say "Really?". That's it. Maybe I'll get some satisfaction from that.

Back to my main point - I did have one when I began this post but somehow got carried away...yeah, so several guys would ask her out and have asked her out. She has refused them all. The only one I think she's interested in is the only one who might be interested in me. This really bothers me. I can't talk about it. She keeps asking how I feel about him. I wonder why she needs to know. I also wonder why she just can't back off and let me see if this guy really likes me or not. No one has asked me out. They keep asking me if she's single? WTF? I'm am no longer answering that question - I'm just going to have direct their question to her. What do I look like? A personal secretary?
She keeps saying she thinks that he might like both of us. I kinda bought into that at first. But now, I wonder if I didn't screw things up for myself by including her in stuff he told me. Maybe he too is confused about it. I don't know. I do know that I have his number because I asked for it. She dared me but I wouldn't have gone through with it if I hadn't wanted to call him or have him call me. Of course he hasn't called. He's texted me a few times. I am just not a "text-er". It takes me forever to type the simplest of things on my phone. Plus I have to pay extra for each text and calls don't cost me anything(I have more min than I I ever use). He has yet to call me though.

If a friend of mine explained this to me - my current sitch...this whole texting back and forth that we've been doing and hanging out at the bar - I would immediately tell her "he's so not into you". I just have to accept it.

When guys are interested, they call. They ask you out. They don't ask if both you and your friend are coming out. They don't ask you to send your friend out when you are sick. They do ask you out. They don't sit on your phone number for nearly a month without doing something pro-active.

I know it. I've just been in denial. I am a fool. It's just that he's very clever and cute and funny. And so quick. Damn, it's such a shame. I'm ready to let it go now before I really fall for this guy who's not interested in me. Only the losers ever call. Life sucks sometimes.

Saturday, March 8

open letter to jim

Yes I asked for your number. Yes I texted you first (sort of, my friend did but you didn't know that).
You have texted me a couple times since then. I think you think we're a package deal.
Still, I was confused about whether you were interested in me or my friend.

Tonight, you texted me to ask if my friend and I are coming to the bar tonight.
I have a cold, so there's on way I'm putting alcohol in my body anytime soon. So I text you back to say I have a cold and am not sure if my friend is coming or not.
You have the gall to text me back and feign like you care, "oh sorry you're ill but you will be better by next weekend right? Oh and also send your friend out tonight."

As if. As if I decide what she does/when she can go out. She does make up her own mind.

I am no longer confused. I think if he was interested in me, he wouldn't have suggested that I "send my friend out".

Last week when we all were hanging out, I think I made it pretty clear that I was interested. His friend made it clear that he was interested in my friend. So what's the deal? I think my friend is also interested in him - even though she was the one who encouraged me to get his number in the first place. Why do that if you are interested in the guy for yourself? I would never do that. I can never understand other people's motives. They don't make any sense to me. I'm very blunt and not at all subtle or intentionally vague. At least people know where they stand with me. I, on the other hand, often wonder exactly where I stand with them.

I think I know. I'm no longer in denial or confused. I'm just an idiot.

Saturday, March 1


I want more. I want to find a good man. Sometimes it's hard to explain it. But I know what I don't want. I want to feel more than I do. More than I have before. I'm reading this book, Odd Mom Out, it's a great read. I want to feel the way she feels about this guy Luke in the book. I've never felt that way before. I've had crushes but looking back, that's all they were, crushes.
Reading this book has brought all sorts of sad feelings out of hiding. I put away most of these feelings. I block them out, but they creep to the forefront of my mind from time to time. I want to cry but don't have a reason. At least not a reason that I can easily define. I have reasons for everything. Reasons for doing most of the things I do and say. I was talking to Z yesterday and said, that even though my reasons may not make sense to others, they make sense to me. Z said that the way I explain it, it actually does make sense even though it shouldn't :) I guess that's a good thing.

I got in bed early last night, just before 9pm. I had a cup of hot chocolate and my book and of course my nightly tunes on. I fell asleep at some point, with my glasses on, the light on. I woke up at 4:30am. Probably b/c my light was on and I needed the loo badly. I was tired but didn't feel like going back to sleep so I found my page in my book and continued reading. Then I started thinking and remembering and couldn't quite focus on my book. I wanted to get some of this out but now that I'm here and writing, the words escape me. I need a cup of tea and more sleep.