Random Ramblings

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone. Or more accurately, be alone forever.

She keeps asking me questions but she doesn't really want to know what I think. She doesn't. She keeps saying "oh you seem upset, why?". She asks this when I am perfectly fine. At least fine until she keeps asking whether I am fine. I take people at their word, usually. I don't trust easily and once broken, my trust is very hard to regain. It also annoys me when people tell me I look tired, then ask if I am tired. WTF? Thanks for informing me that you think I look like crap. No really, thanks. It suddenly makes all my tiredness melt away when you say that. It really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Morons.

I also dislike being asked "what are you thinking?" question. My thoughts are my own. I'm not shy. If I wanted to tell you what I was thinking, I would. But you know what, people don't want to know what I'm thinking a lot of the time. They don't. Sometimes I just want to be left in peace, to just be, without having to account for every expression they think they can see on my face. What I want say is "what's it to you?"

And then there's the random hostilities from random people. Like when I eat my lunch at 1:30 as I often do since I usu have a snack at 10:30 - they say, ooh, are you eating lunch late today? Like they give a shit? Like it's any of their business? That's what I want to say. They don't want to hear that. Even though they are not kind often, I will come off as over-reacting if I tell them to Fuck Off! Maybe, I would be over-reacting :-D But so what. I just want them to leave me alone. I don't ask them "what smells like that, is that onions? is that your lunch?" with a distasteful look on your face. Or "are those peas?" as if I have worms in my lunch bowl. Yes, I've been asked that. Don't ask me shit questions. When you don't have jack-shit to say, shut the hell up. Don't ask me inane questions because you're bored? It's not my job to satisfy your morbid curiosity. I would be just as happy, happier even, if you just nodded and walked on by me as I watched my lunch heat in the microwave. I don't need company for that. Thanks.

If their questions were the least bit clever or funny, then I wouldn't get as ticked off as I do. One of these days I'm going to snap at one of them and then they'll wonder where the heck that came from. I've decided that I'm not going to respond to hostile questions or comments anymore. I'm either going to smile and nod or say "Really?". That's it. Maybe I'll get some satisfaction from that.

Back to my main point - I did have one when I began this post but somehow got carried away...yeah, so several guys would ask her out and have asked her out. She has refused them all. The only one I think she's interested in is the only one who might be interested in me. This really bothers me. I can't talk about it. She keeps asking how I feel about him. I wonder why she needs to know. I also wonder why she just can't back off and let me see if this guy really likes me or not. No one has asked me out. They keep asking me if she's single? WTF? I'm am no longer answering that question - I'm just going to have direct their question to her. What do I look like? A personal secretary?
She keeps saying she thinks that he might like both of us. I kinda bought into that at first. But now, I wonder if I didn't screw things up for myself by including her in stuff he told me. Maybe he too is confused about it. I don't know. I do know that I have his number because I asked for it. She dared me but I wouldn't have gone through with it if I hadn't wanted to call him or have him call me. Of course he hasn't called. He's texted me a few times. I am just not a "text-er". It takes me forever to type the simplest of things on my phone. Plus I have to pay extra for each text and calls don't cost me anything(I have more min than I I ever use). He has yet to call me though.

If a friend of mine explained this to me - my current sitch...this whole texting back and forth that we've been doing and hanging out at the bar - I would immediately tell her "he's so not into you". I just have to accept it.

When guys are interested, they call. They ask you out. They don't ask if both you and your friend are coming out. They don't ask you to send your friend out when you are sick. They do ask you out. They don't sit on your phone number for nearly a month without doing something pro-active.

I know it. I've just been in denial. I am a fool. It's just that he's very clever and cute and funny. And so quick. Damn, it's such a shame. I'm ready to let it go now before I really fall for this guy who's not interested in me. Only the losers ever call. Life sucks sometimes.