reasons

I want more. I want to find a good man. Sometimes it's hard to explain it. But I know what I don't want. I want to feel more than I do. More than I have before. I'm reading this book, Odd Mom Out, it's a great read. I want to feel the way she feels about this guy Luke in the book. I've never felt that way before. I've had crushes but looking back, that's all they were, crushes.
Reading this book has brought all sorts of sad feelings out of hiding. I put away most of these feelings. I block them out, but they creep to the forefront of my mind from time to time. I want to cry but don't have a reason. At least not a reason that I can easily define. I have reasons for everything. Reasons for doing most of the things I do and say. I was talking to Z yesterday and said, that even though my reasons may not make sense to others, they make sense to me. Z said that the way I explain it, it actually does make sense even though it shouldn't :) I guess that's a good thing.

I got in bed early last night, just before 9pm. I had a cup of hot chocolate and my book and of course my nightly tunes on. I fell asleep at some point, with my glasses on, the light on. I woke up at 4:30am. Probably b/c my light was on and I needed the loo badly. I was tired but didn't feel like going back to sleep so I found my page in my book and continued reading. Then I started thinking and remembering and couldn't quite focus on my book. I wanted to get some of this out but now that I'm here and writing, the words escape me. I need a cup of tea and more sleep.