Thursday, September 29

Nose still running but end in sight

Just watched Alias. I enjoyed it, if you're a fan you can read my post about it. Now watching the end of the Yankee-Orioles game.

Definitely on the mend even though my voice is still a bit hoarse. The end of this cold is in sight.

When I tried to sing on Sat, a very scary croak came out plus my throat still hurt a bit so I gave up - tried on Mon and could just sing along to Hootie & the Blowfish's "Hannah Jane"..Today was better, still not at my usual pitch but not so much like a guy anymore.

Had my second night of 6hr sleep in a row. I've been taking my inhaler round-the-clock since Thurs ~2am and I haven't gotten a good night's rest since - I need a porter for the bags under my eyes. I've been trying to take it every 4h and then the last couple days have been able to go 6hr till the early morning.

Finally the Yankees won. My heart can't take it when the lead gets pissed away. Only 3 more games to go against the Red Sox. Nail-biting time.

I haven't been feeling very attractive lately what with my being sick and not sleeping through the night and the bags under my eyes. I also feel a little bit fat. It funny that that whole feeling fat thing is not constant considering that I eat what I want and don't exercise consistently. Funnily enough, the feeling fat doesn't often correlate into me exercising.

Today 2 things happened to improve my perspective. This morning I tried on a shirt that was very snug the last time I wore it earlier this year, but today but quite loose. It's cool enough for long sleeves again. Yay!

Secondly, one of the guys in my lab came in and asked "how are you feeling?" I wasn't sure if he meant me or Mac, the guy who was also there. Then he looked directly at me and said "how is the very attractive person in the lab feeling?" Mac ans, "I'm quite well thanks" then he gave him a funny look. It was kind of funny and made me smile.
I guess he didn't notice the bags under the ole eyes or maybe this eye cream from Loreal I've been using is working even though I can't see the difference myself. Still, made me feel a bit better overall.

Another good sign, I feel like real food again and to celebrate ordered chinese - chicken in garlic sauce, it was delicious. When I called they didn't recognize my voice and asked for my tel# then realized it was me (I'm a regular). No spare-ribs tip tonight (she offered, I declined, wasn't in the mood).

I should get some rest now. Planning to get to work early tomorrow as its pay-dayFri. Woo-Hoo! The plan is to leave my apt before 730am. It's been done before, not often but I have done it.

Wednesday, September 28

Weird moments and pet peaves

Had a weird moment today with one of my former supervisors. I went to my desk/cubicle in the writing area to take my inhaler at 3p (it was time). She was at my computer (technically it's a general pc but as I'm the only one in this particular section of cubicles now, so its as good as mine :) She wasn't using my chair which is good cause I don't mind if other ppl use the computer as long as they use the extra chair, not mine. Usu ppl change the height when they use my chair and I really don't like that at all.

Anyway, I said hi to her and was about to sit down to get my inhaler out of my bag. At this point, she starts pleading...oh sorry to be using your computer but mine crashed downstairs and I have to finish this report, so sorry, I won't be much longer, probably only 30min or so but I have to get this done blah blah...She just kept going on and on, barely gave me time to answer. I was like - no problem, I don't need to use it right now, it's ok, its fine, really...

I was only there to take my inhaler anyway. Generally, I spend about 90% of the day in the lab unless I have reports due. So it really wasn't a problem. I just wanted to be able to take my inhaler asap.

It was just kind of weird. The pleading/begging. This is the same woman who often spoke to me in the most condescending manner whenever she had to explain something to me. When I worked under her I often felt inadequate even though I was working 50+ hrs a week and shipped almost the same amt of compounds as she did and we were working on similar targets. So I couldn't have been as bad as she always seemed to be implying. She's a sly one, always wanted to give the impression of being my friend. In my opinion, you can't really be friends with your supervisor because then they can't give an objective review of your work. Having a good working relationship is key but there is a line, you know. She often crossed this line. So I don't trust her much.

I talk to her when I see her now but she can be very annoying. In fact, I have been known to refer to her as the-most-annoying-person-I've-ever-met on my not-so-good days. On good days she's just in the top ten :) You know how much I love lists.

I don't hold grudges per se. I don't dwell specifically on real or imagined wrongs which I've felt from people but I also don't forget. So I'll talk to them sure, maybe even make a joke here and there but the fact remains that they are not my friend - this is always in my mind - there is a line. I keep them at a certain distance.

Sometimes I want to say it like Ludacris does in "Get Back":

Why you all in my ear? Talkin' a whole bunch a shit that I ain't tryin to hear.
Get Back! @#$%! You don't know me like that. Get Back! @#$%! You don't know me like that.

Actaully, I prefer the version where they bleeep out the cursing. I don't swear often. And usually I never use the word in that rap but sometimes ppl do drive you nuts.

As for swearing, I never used to at all when I was growing up, it just felt weird back then...but now I do, not terribly most of the time. I probably say "crap" and if angry "shit" more than anything else.

Except when I'm in the car and have to deal with the morons masquerading as drivers/pedestrians on the road. Like today, I have my right indicator on (or turn signal as they say here) and am first at a red light. Light goes green, half-way through my turn, this idiot pedestrian on the RHS decides to cross in front of my turning car instead of waiting for my car to go by in like 5secs. I mean, couldn't he wait and then cross after?

It's a good thing that I always look out and brake for rabbits, pets and stupid-people else he'd have been in trouble if I wasn't paying attention. The last thing I need right now or ever is to hit someone. It at times like those when my latest really bad curse comes out, rhymes with pucker. Only feel the need to use it when I'm driving though.

My other pet peave is people who drive just slow enough so that they get though just before the light changes to red leaving me to wait. I hate that. There's so much time for us all to go. I don't know what these drivers are thinking/doing that they can't at least drive at the speed limit.

Personally, I like to drive a little fast - I do try to stay within 5-10 mph of the posted limit though. If they're at least going at the speed limit, I cool my heels, it's fine. Here it's like 30 mph in most places and that's when many drive 50mph but on the shorter highways where it ranges from 45-55mph, they're going 35-40mph, drives me insane. I usually just change lanes as long as its safe to do so. Then when the posted limit changes back to 30mph, suddenly they know how to use the gas pedal and they start going 50mph and act like they want to run me over for going 35-40mph. I usu just say out loud - go ahead moron, drive over me. Not loud enough for them to hear, of course, but it makes me feel better.

Got to get to bed, major headache now.Off to take some of that super-duper motrin.

Getting better but stilll grossing myself out

I spent at least 15 min today just blowing my nose. Went through 1/2 box of tissues. My nose was red and very sore. Should probably have bought puffs w/ lotion like the nurse suggested but I prefer plain kleenex...usually...of course I don't normally need to blow my nose with such frequency.

This is gross but true (you might want to skip to the next paragraph):
If you combine the amount of mucus I've either coughed up or blew out of my nose today, it'd be enough to fill a 1/2 gallon milk carton. Trust me on this, I'm good with estimating volumes/weights, comes from working in the lab.

Monday, September 26

The questions for this..bizarre

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

This is so me

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Dog Kid
Your Superpower is Mystic
Your Weakness is Chocolate
Your Weapon is Your Toxic Blowgun
Your Mode of Transportation is Moped

Sunday, September 25

Alive not quite kicking

I rewatched the movie "Where the Heart Is" and everytime I see it, I get choked up. Especially the last scene where the character Novalee tells Forney that she lied when she said she didn't love him because she thought he deserved something better. And then he says "better than you? There's nothing better than you Novalee" Gets me everytime I see it. I want a guy to feel that way about me. Someday.

Feeling a bit better today. So tired of this stupid cold and I imagine that most people are probably tired of reading about it as well. But when you come here you get what's on my mind. No more, no less :)

My friend came to visit me today. Why she wanted to risk being around my semi-contagious self I don't know? But I'm really glad she came. I hadn't really talked to anyone in person (besides my doc on Sat) since Thurs. We played cards for a while and chatted. I was really glad for the company. And she even brought in some groceries I'd left in my car. How cool is that?They were too heavy for me to bring in myself in one go and hadn't been able to get the enegy to go out and get them yet.

Finally, today I was able to avoid accepting the bowl of jello that my downstairs neighbor tried to foist off on me. For one thing, I hate jello. I liked it as a kid but not now, the texture makes me want to hurl, I can't bear it. Anyway, anytime my neighbor, who's like 82 btw, hears me moving around and she assumes/knows I'm sick, she brings me jello. God alone knows why. The first time, I tried to explain that I don't like or eat jello, but she's a bit hard of hearing and it seemed like it'd take less energy to just take it than to try to explain it to her 3 times. And I tasted it, was grossed out, and threw out the rest. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, I just took it and dumped it.

But today, I don't know, I just thought if there's one time I shouldn't have to take disgusting jello is when I'm sick and I didn't accept it and stood there in my doorway with my hands behind my back shaking my head "no" until she created a reason herself and took the damn thing away. I think she said something like "oh will it hurt your throat, ok, ok, but if you need anything..." Maybe I overreacted a little but I'm so hoarse, I just couldn't face having to explain it to her in a loud voice(so she could hear) 3 or 4 times. Just couldn't do it. I may expand more on said neighbor eventually.

Just woke up from a little nap. Talked to family today, well mostly they talked. My sis also has a bad cold and sounded a lot like I did on the phone. Not as long as usual, I was kind of tired afterwards.

I'm hoping to be able to get a good 6 or 7hrs sleep tonight. Having to take my inhaler every 4hrs has been harrowing because when I get up at 2 or 3am to take it, it's hard to get right back to sleep. Maybe it'll be better tonight. Not planning to go to work tomorrow. Think I need at least another day. Depends on how I feel in the morning. Plus it's supposed to rain tomorrow so I'll see how it goes. My stomach is still upset but it eases a little after I eat. Maybe I lost some weight with this whole being sick thing. Frankly, I would rather have the weight than this stupid cold.

Off to play text twist.

Saturday, September 24

I am vindicated (singing vindicated by dashboard confessional in my head)

So I went to see my doc today and got checked over and had a horrible reading on this peak flow meter thingy they use to measure your lung capacity or rather how much volume of air you are taking into your lungs with each breath.

So I had a nebulizer treatment, the last time I had one was about 8 or 9 years ago. The machine is much smaller now and instead of an oxygen mask thingy, it looked kind of like my inhaler with a cup at the bottom. It was quicker too, only took about 10 min. My peak flow was better afterwards, not great but acceptable. Plus I have to take Advair for 2 weeks instead of the flovent I was taking before, it has a larger dosage and lasts longer than the flovent I was taking. So that should help a bit. My doc said I should call if I felt worse, nice to know she's on call if I need advice or treatment.

Also nice to know I wasn't imagining things. My regular meds just didn't seem to be cutting it to me. Still coughing and my sneezing has increased to about once or twice every 15 min. Still very hoarse and can't talk for long without getting breathless. Can't even hum out loud to myself, my throat/voice is that bad. This definitely rules out choir tomorrow. I'm just going to stay in and rest up.

Oh, realized that I am truly leading a sad life because lately the only messages on my landline have been from the library telling me that the book/CD I reserved is ready for pick-up. I see the blinking red light and I think - ooh a message for me - but its only the library again. Can't talk much now anyway.

Don't know how I'm gonna do our weekly 3-way call tomorrow. Usu my sis calls from the UK, then I call my Mum in the Caribbean and we chat for a couple hrs. I'll have to just listen mostly but its hard to do that. In my family when we get together, 2 things usu happen, whether it's on the phone or in person - 1) we get louder and 2) we talk at the same time - usually so we can get our point across and have everyone else agree that we are right.

That's just part of how our family dynamics work. Usu my Mum and I talk over my sis and she tries to get her word in egdewise but she's not forceful enough to just but- in like my Mum and I do. I think it's b/c she's lived with the brits too long and has that whole polite-can't-interupt-thing down too well. I usu end up telling Mum to wait so my sis can finish her thought. It's quite funny sometimes probably more for me than her. Another funny thing is that we all have the same laugh and we end our laughter with the same sort of sigh at the end - even though we haven't lived in the same geographical region for the last 8 yrs or more. This usu causes us to collapse into giggles every time we realize its happening...again.

Got to rest now and take more meds. That's all I've done for the past 4 days. What I have to look forward to? tremors in my hands from my albuterol inhaler. Whenever I have to take it for extended periods I get hand tremors for about a week.

Ok so maybe plague was exaggerating a little

I'm up at 8am on a Sat. Actually I've been up since 5. Set the alarm so I could take my inhaler. I find it really sad that I'm up this early on the one day during the week when I can legitimately sleep in until noon, if I wanted to. And I couldn't get back to sleep though I tried for an hr then decided to read but that didn't help so now I'm more awake than ever.

My stomach is very upset probably due to the nasal drip I've got and the fact that mucus doesn't belong in the stomach. Sorry, no warning about that. Not even tums seems to help. So upset I don't feel like eating - a very rare feeling for me.

The last time my stomach felt like this was the first and only real hangover I've had. Last year, there was memory loss involved and much puking the night before and the morning after. I think my count was about 3 (strongest margaritas ever) and I was really buzzed after having half of the first one. Even took some stupid malboros survey to get a free lighter which sounded like a great idea at the time - I don't smoke but many stupid things sound like great ideas when you're drunk. Took some doing on my part to get off their mailing lists.

Anyhoo, I made a promise to myself never to have more than 2 drinks in one night again(actually my promise was more like no alcohol ever again in life but with time I've adjusted this to 2 :-) That's why I've sort of lost my taste for tequila. I used to go a little wild when I didn't have to drive. The first time I got drunk, I was 25. A bit old, but back home I didn't drink much at all other than at Christmas and New Year's when we'd all have small glasses of wine or champagne to celebrate. At first I was able to count the number of times I've been drunk on one hand, then I needed both. I think I was trying to make up for lost time. Binge drinking - which is apparently what they call having more than 5 drinks in one night - I did mucho binge drinking the last 2 yrs of college though I didn't think of it that way at the time. I'm over it now though, read the book, saw the movie, got the t-shirt.

Just finished maryjanice davidson's "undead and unappreciated". Good read but not as good as the first two. Started reading "hand-me-down" by lee nichols. Quite good so far (I'm half-way through). It started me thinking about the date I had with the quarterback. I was thinking that I'm sort of relieved that he hasn't called back. The rejection sucks, don't get me wrong but from our first meeting I was a little nervous around him and the same on our next meeting. I put this nervousness down to me liking him but maybe it wasn't that.

Frankly, I just don't think he gets me or that he would even with time. I just feel as if he would find me boring once he really got to know me. I don't think of myself as boring but to others who are active - on the go all-the-time - I can see how they would view my mostly sedentary lifestyle as boring. All the reading, watching tv, listening to music I do. And this guy is always doing something or so he said anyway - coaching kids football team, playing football, playing in a softball league, going to concerts, etc. etc. etc.
Then I started thinking about Lit (yeah everything always comes back to Lit)

He got me, I know that much and we have the same sense of humour. He would totally have laughed at some of the things I said on that date that the QB sort of smiled at (like he was only humouring me but wasn't genuinely amused).

Lit's brother works at the same company as I do and I have this stupid fantasy in my head that he'll come here to visit said brother or at least that'll be his cover story. Then he'd call me up and ask to see me to...maybe have dinner...see a movie...offer to be the father of my children... I would say yes yes yes to any and all of the above.

That's why I know I'm really a loser. Or at the very least a little pathethic. I know he's not interested, I know, he told me...repeatedly. Maybe I need to be hypnotized and have it drilled into my subconscious. Still, there's this part of me that believes that my above scenario is possible, highly unlikely, I'd probably be more likely to be a) abducted by aliens or b)win the lottery but stuff like that does happen to people. Or at least people claim that they do. I don't know any personally....

Posting has helped distract me from my general malaise. Feeling less like death-warmed-over (except for the nausea) than I've felt in a week.

Friday, September 23

It's not a cold, it's some sort of plague

Plagues aren't ordinary at all, I should be happy about that at least, right. Obviously all the meds I'm taking have gone to my head.

Had a horrible night. Woke up at 2.30am b/c I couldn't breathe and was so short of breath I could barely take my inhaler. It was very scary. It's times like those when I wish I had a roommate. I should have set my alarm for midnight so I could take my inhaler when it was due - usually when I'm wheezing I have to take it round the clock (every 4-6hrs) for a couple days. So I took it at 8.30p and at 2.30am it was past due. Took me a while to calm down, I thought I was dying, it felt that way. If my doc saw me like that, she would have me admitted to hospital for sure.

When I was back home I had to go to the hosptial for my asthma about twice a year, it would be those times when I was still wheezing after taking all the meds I could. They take asthmatics very seriously in the ER, you get preference over broken bones and other stuff you'd think should be priority. Usually I'd be there a couple hrs while I got 2 nebulizers ( which is direct inhalation with an oxygem-type mask of the asthma bronchodilators, then usu an intramuscular injection if they didn't work, and if I was still wheezing then they'd set up an IV and keep me for the night.

I hate hospitals. Well not hospitals as a whole, just being a patient in a hospital. My Mum's a nurse and I often met her at work and that was ok. Just having to be in a hospital bed is what freaked me out. One time they didn't have a bed left and I had to sleep on an examination table - it sucked big time. That was the one time my Mum wasn't able to talk them into letting me go home with her. She would give me the intramuscular injections herself then.

So I'm glad I was able to calm down enough and that my meds worked last night. Just the thought of having to call an ambulance makes me nauseated.

My voice still sounds horrible. Of course I stayed home from work today. Will see my doc tomorrow, well not my usu one but another one in the practice whom I've seen before. I think I need antibiotics, however, I don't have a reasonable reason for why I think I do. I just do.

This is a little gross so stop reading now if you can't take it.

The mucus that's been draining from me is mostly clear which is usually a sign that antibiotics aren't really needed. The way my cough sounds is what makes think I need antibiotics. Usually when I have a cough like this, and I take them, the sound of the cough changes - I don't know if that makes sense or not - but it does. It becomes more of a productive cough usu within 2 days which helps bring up more stuff and then I know I'm on the mend. I hate being sick. Went out for soup, meds today. Feeling better than last night but still nowhere near my usual self. Spent the day sleeping mostly, waking up to take my meds and drink soup. Kind of sick of the whole soup thing but am out of bagels and not in the mood for cereal. Too sick to do any real cooking.

Going to bed soon, about the only time I do this early is when I'm sick. Time for flonase anyway.

Thursday, September 22

It's official-I have a cold

I don't get colds very often, about 2-3 times a year tops. And when I do, they don't usually last more than 2 days.

So when it happens for a week or more I go in denial about what's really wrong and I don't recognize it. I always think it must be something more serious than a cold. Colds are so ordinary, everyone gets them. Don't know why I think I should be exempt from them. Must be part of my whole self-absorbed slightly superior complex (yeah I just made that up). Am slightly delirious.

I left work early today(at 3.30p-yeah that's early at my job). Felt awful. Plus with the congestion, I've also been wheezing. The horrible sore throat of this morning has prgressed further into coughing, occasional sneezing and heavy congestion which I can feel in my chest.

When my asthma acts up I can barely think straight, it's almost like having a mini-panic attack. Just can't focus and had to sit myself down and do some breathing exercises so I could focus enough to take the meds I needed to take. As of 8p, I've taken albuterol, flovent, decongestant, tylenol and have rubbed vicks all over, and coughed up about half a lung. Feel a bit better now. But am extremely tired. And my throat hurts from the coughing.

That's what I get for not sleeping enough these past few weeks. My body's too run down to put up a good fight.

Have a funny story about calling my doc this morning but really tired now. Must sleep.

Wednesday, September 21

Cepacol wonderful cepacol

I've gotten so used to being able to get my thoughts down anytime I feel the need but last night there were a couple glitches. Some weird system failures - once with blogger going down so that I couldn't publish. It still saved my blog from last night so that's good. Then I got the blue-screen of death on my pc which made me scream and so I watched baseball instead of trying find out what the hell went wrong with my pc.

I'm in the late stages of a cold or something. Sinus headaches on weekend have evolved in a nasty sore throat. Have had it most of today. The Cepacol lozenge I took worked great for 15 min, I could actually feel the "numbing relief" they claim on the package.

Unfortunately it has worn off now and it's only been 40 min. Still better than the stupid strepsils I took at work, which only work while they are in your mouth. I had 6 in an hr, then thought I should probably slow down. Have to wait at least an hr before I can take another Cepacol. Also did this saline irrigation thing which works for a while in that it reduces the sinus pressure and relieves some of the congestion-but it's feels really weird spraying saline solution up your nose.

Might stay home tomorrow, no fever though, just feels really raw in the back of my throat and it hurts when I swallow. I'm going to bed early tonight, for real.

Tuesday, September 20

Tomorrow's another day

Long, long day at work. Still don't feel like I accomplished much but I did get a couple things out to ship (the amount of compounds we ship is used as an indirect measure of our productivity) today. Had to extend the 3pm deadline till 4 but got it done. Then spent an hr on powerpoint slides. And then it was suddenly 5pm. Tomorrow's another day and as my Mum says "the work's not going anywhere".

Almost made it to the gym, again, but I just couldn't face it today. Had cereal and ice cream for dinner :) - not together - but one after the other. I keep trying to think up ways to get out of my gym contract but then I also think of how they'd talk me back into it or trick me back into it. My friend said I could get my doc to write me a note saying I had to quit. But my doc would never do that. She all but did a happy dance when I told her I'd joined a gym.

I don't feel too bad cause I did some major dancing around my living room tonight to Shania/Weezer/Shakira among others. Kind of tired now. And my wrists hurt, probably b/c I was on the computer at work for a while today and am on now.

I couldn't make it in a job which required hrs on the computer every day. I'd probably end up with carpel tunnel (for real), as is, my doc said I should wear a wrist brace thingy when I'm online.

About a month after I got my computer I kept getting these awful pains in my wrist/elbow. I thought it might be residual stuff from a car accident I'd had. Went to my doc and after checking me out, she recommended I use the wrist thingy b/c she was pretty sure it wasn't a nerve problem or anything serious. Then I told her about my new pc and my excitement with my new pc and she was like - aha! how many hrs a day have you been on?
I was like - umm 3 or 4hrs. She's so smart. Nothing gets by her. I think it's very important to have a doctor you trust and respect. She's always able to put my fears to rest, or at the very least in perspective, about my real (or imagined :) medical problems.

Went to sleep too late last night and getting up today took some doing. Note to self: go to bed before 2am.

Sunday, September 18

My Weekend

I collect quotes and from time to time go through my collection. Sometimes I find ones that I really need to read at that moment in my life. I found this one today. I've had it for a few years now and occasionally I make a poster of it and hang it up on my wall. And it helps. It's a poem, "After a While" by Veronica A. Shoffstall. It's worth reading. The site is cool too.

I spent Sat morning lazing in bed. I've had a headache for 3 days now. My folks think it's a sinus headache and maybe they're right b/c headache meds haven't helped at all. But they suggested and I tried, a mini inhalation over a bowl of hot-water with few drops of eucalyptus oil and that helped a bit.

Also got my new vacuum cleaner and it's fantastic. It's a bagless which is a little gross to empty/see the disgusting stuff it picks up but also quite satisfying to know that I'm no longer breathing that crap in. Did major cleaning of my apt - moved furniture around, etc. The vacuum is self-propelling and it's a wonder to use. I may be inspired to vacuum more often now.

The party last night was really good. I was a bit late even though I probably live the closest. Their new house is really beautiful and they have a bit more yard for the dogs. There was a good mix of people, some new to me and a few I know from work. The dogs were ok. The biggest one kept sneaking up to me, licking my hand and running off. I petted the youngest one, he always remembers me and once I say "no licking" I can pet him without being licked. Dogs are really smart sometimes. I also petted one of their cats (the other one hides whenever there's company).

It's a Michigan State household so our host was in a great mood when they finally beat Notre Dame, it was close though. I don't know a lot about football but don't mind watching the game. The food was pretty good as well and I must have had about 15 different kind of cheese, even chocloate cheese which was a little weird but not bad. And I also tried pickled bologna which I'd never heard of before the party. It was ok. It was a fun night and I stayed until it was quite late. By that time it was just me and a friend of theirs from out of town. While my friend burned me a couple CDs, we watched "Team America". So dumb yet so funny. His friend is cute. But I think he's taken. Pity.

Didn't make it to the movies today but got my laundry done at last. It's been quite a weekend. I'm exhausted and am going to bed soon which is wicked early for me but I feel really tired. Its a good tiredness though and my body can always do with more sleep.

Thursday, September 15

I love Batman

Batman was my fav superhero when I was a kid and I've seen all the other batman movies made. Finally saw the latest Batman movie tonight. Got there a little late and missed the first 15 minutes. I enjoyed it but there were parts of dialog that I missed throughout - some of it just wasn't clear. I kind of wished I could turn on the close captions.
I watch TV with the captions most of the time. It's great especially for baseball and Alias re-runs. Just gotten used to it and only remember it's kind of strange when I have company who ask why the captions are on. I often mute the TV when I watch baseball while I listen to music, so the captions help. And with Alias, it's so I don't miss anything :)

While I was watching the movie, I had a big thought and it was this. I am alone - all my other friends have seen the movie already, without me. And I was thinking that it was ok that I was alone. I used to go to movies by myself all the time when I first moved here and didn't know anyone. And after I made a few friends here, I'd still go on my own sometimes. Then they insisted I go with them. Well, until they got boyfriends. And I sort of got out of the habit. Now I only get a call when their significant others are out of town or out with the guys. I don't want to do this anymore. So I made a decision tonight. No more going to stupid couple parties. No more always being available when it's convenient for them but not for me. I'm only doing things I want to do. If I have to do them by myself, fine. Going to the movie tonight was a good start. I'm going to see the penguin movie this weekend. On my own and I'm looking forward to that as well.

I do have a house-warming party to go to Sat night. One of my few married friends, they have 3 huge german shepherds which I must confess to being a little afraid of. They are well trained so I'm not afraid of being bitten. I think I'm nervous around them b/c I didn't grow up with animals. That, and I don't like to be licked. I can only pet one of them, the youngest b/c I met him as a puppy - a big puppy :) I'm just not used to dogs and they are quite a lot of dog all together. I think everyone else there will be coupled up. But I already said I'd go. Their parties are usu fun though even when I'm the only single there. So I'm looking forward to it.

Also planning a trip to Cooperstown to see the baseball hall of fame but not until next weekend. I haven't done laundry in some time and have to get it done this weekend. Either that or go shopping. I hate doing laundry. At least it is in my builiding but they have wacky hrs - only 8:30am-8:30pm every day. So I can't do it before work and am too tired to do it after work. And everyone else seems to need to do theirs on weekends - even though they all seem to leave for work after I do and get back from work long before I do (and take all the close parking spots).

While I was driving home tonight (the theatre 's 30 min away), I was thinking that even if takes longer than I'd like, I'd rather wait to find the right person for me than to settle. Sure I get lonely. And sometimes feel a bit starved for affection. Some days I just need a hug - it's at those times especially that I wish I lived closer to my family. But I'm tired of making excuses for people who are wrong for me. I'm very straightforward and I wish people would be that way with me. By people I mean men. They always seem to be on some other plane. At least those that I'm interested in. Either they say what I want to hear but their actions tell the real truth. Or they don't say anything at all leaving me guessing...questioning...making excuses. That's enough introspection for one day. Going to read something light and fluffy :)

Going to bed soon. Fell asleep on the futon last night around 9 or 10, I think. Woke up at 2am and moved to bed and drifted off soon after. Maybe my random insomnia is over for a while. Going to bed soon, really.

Tuesday, September 13

I'm not really trying to get fired...

Today was not great. I've been a little depressed lately. Not quite sure why but I think it's a combination of things in my life. I repress a lot. Plus I just don't want to go to work lately. I have to of course, the bills can't pay themselves and I have to eat.

I got to work late today and yesterday. I shouldn't have been late though. I was up more than early enough despite going to bed after 1am the last few days. Just can't sleep. This random insomnia happens sometimes but I don't like taking sleep medication. I know too much about the side effects and with my occasional hypochondria, I just I can't deal. So I read and stare at my walls until I drift off.

The real reason I was late is because of this: I got out of bed at 7am, had a cup of tea then cereal, and read. Yes, read as if I was on vacation, while the time ticked away. Then at 8, I started getting ready. What's wrong with me? I know that I needed to hustle and get ready b/c I'm really slow in the am. Yet, I just couldn't seem to do so. It was worse yesterday. I can't do this tomorrow. It's a good thing that I live close to work.

Today at work around 5pm I was thinking of calling in sick tomorrow(yeah ahead of time). I had reactions to set up overnight but I just couldn't focus enough to get the calculations done for them. So I left at 5:15 without setting up any. I feel a bit guilty about that b/c I have at least 4 reactions that take at least 15hrs before they're done so it's like I'm wasting a day. See how I've been brain-washed by my job. [supervisory voice: you are not being very productive if you don't set up multiple reactions overnight]

I'm exhausted and it feels like I'm getting a cold and it's that TOM as well. But I've never called in sick without actually being too sick to go in. I'm kinda superstitious and I worry that I'll get sick for real if I do. Maybe, I'll go to bed ridiculously early like at 8:30 and see how I feel tomorrow. I'm thinking maybe I should go in on time :0 (imagine that), get my reactions going then leave half-day. That might be better.

I'm also feeling a little unloved as well. It seems that whenever my friends want to do stuff even if I'm not terribly keen about it, I go. I want to spend time with them. But when it's something I want to do, they're never interested and they don't think (oh I give it a try). I obviously need to find more people to hang out with who'll actually want to do stuff I want to do sometimes.
Like I wanted to go paint some pottery, they have a studio here where you paint what you want on a piece and then they fire/glaze it for you. I've gone on my own before but it's more fun if I have company. One friend said she can't paint - but it doesn't matter if you can or not and then said it was the money - which would have been a legitimate excuse if same friend hadn't gone to do something else with other couples that cost the same. Another said she would like to make actual pottery but wasn't interested in just painting some made by someone else. So I have to respect their feelings. Everyone is entitled to not do something they don't want to do. Right?

It's just that even on short notice if they ask me to go somewhere or do something, I'm in. Maybe I'm just a loser. I don't really believe that though.

Then there are the couples who are cool and all but they can't do stuff separately ever. So if the boyfriend wouldn't be interested then it's not something they can do. I don't expect them to want to do stuff with me instead of their boyfriends all the time. That would be crazy. Just occasionally, it'd be nice.

Maybe I'm expecting too much. But that's what I get for being single - the dregs. I know I'm being a bit overdramatic but I'm sick and I do drama really well. So indulge me ok.

Currently reading hilarious book called "undead and unemployed" by mary janice davidson. I also read the first one in this series called"undead and unwed" Really funny. A good bit of swearing but so inventive and at just the right times. Can't wait for the next installment "undead and unappreciated". I love the public library. The books are about the adventures of this woman who dies then discovers she's a vampire and not just any vampire but queen of the vamps. Quick must-reads that I recommend.

Just had a huge bowl of ice cream with dark choc chips(60% cocoa added by moi) and I feel a little sick now. But it tasted fantastic. Haven't had dinner yet, can't count the ice cream :) Off to find something semi-nutritious to eat and finish my book. Nite.

Monday, September 12

Sometimes I freak myself out

A lot of times when I ask for things specifically, they come to me. Sometimes it takes a week or more but it's freaky because they are things or wishes I don't actively seek out. Sometimes I just say it out loud.

I usually only tell my family about it when it happens. I say something to the universe at large and she often answers. My Mum is very spiritual and she's a big believer in asking the universe for the things you want/need, and if the time is right or the wish is right, it'll come. And you have to give thanks when it does.

Anyway, last night I wrote on my other blog about some Alias tapes I lent out. I was thinking of emailing and asking about them today. Didn't really plan to actually send the email until later this week though.

At work this morning, I was checking my email and guess what I see? an email from the guy with the tapes. When I saw his name in the sender, I was a little freaked out.

In the email, he asked where my lab was so he could bring them for me (he works in a different building). He actually brought them for me today. How freaky is that? I mean cause he's had them since May I think. I can't even remember exactly, it's been so long. And he brings them to me today.

I figure that either he saw my blog last night and figured out it was me and brought them b/c of that or the universe delivered...again. He and I chatted for a bit when he dropped them off but he didn't mention my blog but maybe he wouldn't. If it was me, I wouldn't.

In any event, now I can rewatch season 4 before the 5th one starts at the end of Sep. So thanks universe :)

Sunday, September 11

The quarterback (small mention of the sidekick)

Still no word from Can't-use-the-phone-after-the-first-date-even-though-it's-been-more-than-a-week. But i'm not bitter. I guess I was sort of expecting this. Forgive me for all the hyphens, there's more to come.

It's the story of my life. Even after having more than one date, guys just don't get me. Or maybe they do. Kind of a scary thought. They seem really keen and then nothing. As if I were a cool tv show that suddenly jumped the shark and so wasn't worth watching anymore. Does that make any sense? I probably shouldn't write him off yet. He could be busy. I wish I hadn't told anyone I know about him b/c now I feel kind of foolish.

I wasn't planning to write about him. But maybe some background is necessary. I met him at this alumni thing back in June. Let's call him 'the quarterback' or QB. He seemed very interested in me right off the bat. He just seemed so perfect. I couldn't figure out why he was talking to me almost exclusively. I'm not usually so insecure. I'm usually the life of the party. I'm very outgoing and can strike up conversations with stangers very easily. People are usually drawn to me, don't know why that is exactly...having a long conversation with someone I've just met is not at all unsual for me. But him, I must confess that he made me a bit nervous.

Easy on the eyes and built well. I'm a sucker for a well-built man. Nice height ratio to me. Not too tall or too short. Smart and witty as well.

He invited me to go for drinks afterwards (a very clever way of asking for my number I might add) and I went. Had a great time. There were about 10 of us from the alumni thingy at the bar and a few of his friends were a little rowdy but very entertaining. It was like being in college again.

I only had 1 drink that night b/c I was driving and I'm very strict with myself when I am. Plus I didn't want to be too uninhibited (I tend to be a very happy, chatty drunk).
I gave him and 2 of his friends a ride home that night. They all live together about 10min away from me coincidentally and I only live about 10min away from the bar. After his friends got out, that's when he said he was interested. But at the time, I was sort of interested but not-quite-dating this other guy(who turned out to be a complete asshole and I'll refer to him only as 'the sidekick, but that's another blog). I kind of mentioned this other guy. Anyway, QB told me he was going on holiday for a couple weeks. He also said he'd like to take me out when he got back and promised to call. He said I could always refuse to go out if I didn't want to if I was actually seeing this other guy.

He must have meant an American "couple" of weeks. I say this because in college guys I know would often say they'd only had a couple beers after having 6 or 7.

2 Weeks go by: no call.

3rd week: I find out that the sidekick is a total ass and certainly not worth any of the time I spent thinking about him or with him. In an angry haze, I erased the sidekick from my phone and mind. I also erase the QB's number within a minute of that.

4th week: the QB finally calls, at first I didn't know if it was him (no name on the handy-dandy caller ID). He seemed a little miffed that I didn't recognise his voice. I was fairly sure it was him but I don't like guessing who's on the phone. So I asked -who is this? I always identify myself when I call, even to my close friends and family.

So he asked me out vaguely. I say vaguely b/c he said he'd call sometime later in the week to make plans for us to go out.

So 2 weeks go buy and no word from the QB. So now I'm a little miffed myself but decide to just let it go. Maybe he just wasn't as interested as he said. Fine, I could deal with that.

2 more weeks go by and I get this message on my phone from the QB. A very funny message. One which I saved but have not played for my girlfriends (great self-control on my part :)
The message was great, good enough that I thought I'd just forget that he waited so long to call. In the message, he said that he was distressed that I hadn't called him (forget the fact that he was supposed to call me and I don't chase guys...well...anymore :) So I returned his call and left him a message and he actually called back within the hour. Promised to call in 2 days and did. Made plans for a date. We went out. Had a great time, I thought.

So that's where I'm at. I hate feelling like a fool. That's how I feel. And I hate it.

Note to self: I am lactose intolerant

I had the most awful stomach ache and naseous feelings Fri night by the time I was ready for bed. That night I kept thinking - why did I order Shepherd's Pie from a place that specializes in bar food? It tasted pretty good though. I was thinking they must not have cooked the beef in it properly b/c the only other stuff in it was mashed potatoes and green peas. I didn't have real food poison symptoms (I've had them before and that was 2 full days of horror). It was only today after talking to my sis that I realized what it was. The milk and cheese in the potatoes. Me. Lactose intolerant. I didn't even think of taking my Lactaid pills. I should have done. And by the time I got ready for bed, not even the 6 Tums I took helped.

Skipped the whole maize hunt thing. Just wasn't in the mood. Partly because of the upset stomach and also partly b/c I would have been going with 2 couples. Just wasn't in the mood to be the fifth wheel...again. Kind of a sore point with me recently. It's like people think that you're abnormal if you're single. Quite frankly, I'd rather be single and reasonably happy most of the time than in a couple and miserable most of the time. Like some I know. Plus, I'm picky.

Went to a late movie last night with a couple singletons like myself. We saw "The Constant Gardener". I hadn't read much about it other than the actors in it and knew it was going to be a serious sort of film. I won't spoil it for anyone who plans to see it but haven't yet. It was kind of serious to see late at night though. It took me a while to wind down when I got in.

Choir started today-did I mention that before? I'm in the choir at church - which means getting up earlier on Sun (have to be there by 9:30am) but I enjoy it a lot. I'm an alto and although don't have the kind of voice for solos, I can carry a tune and I can still read music (piano lessons as a kid) so that helps. We have a great bunch of people in the choir and a great choir director who somehow manages to get us to sound great by the time we have to sing for the congregation at mass. We have summers off which is a nice break. About half the pieces we do are in Latin which is kind of cool to sing once we get the pronounciation down.

My vacuum conked out on me today and I was actually in the mood to vacuum (a rarity for me) so I was kind of bummed. So I bought one online today. Should probably have thought about it more, it was kind of spur-of-the-moment but hopefully it'll be great and I'll love it and be inspired to vacuum more often :)

Off to re-watch 'About a Boy'. I love that movie, it has some hilarious lines throughout and it ends really well.

Wednesday, September 7

Nothing Important Happened Today

I did call last night. Got answering service. Left a short message. No call back yet. Trying not to make too much of it. Trying not to create scenarios for why he hasn't called yet. Trying to distract myself. Re-watching Alias.

Actually got to work at 8am today. Before my boss. Oh the satisfaction of being at my bench working when he walks in - can't expain it :-)

One would think that I'd want to repeat that feeling more often. Doesn't take that much. Just getting there by 8 or just before. But I can't seem to do it unless there's a pressing reason.

I was only early today(for me anyway) b/c we had dept meeting at 8:30 and I had stuff to do before our group meeting at 10. Today was long in spite of my meetings. Meetings usually make the day shorter but I worked 9 1/2h today. Then did a little shopping at the 'evil empire' (as my friend refers to Walmart). SO I'm more tired than usual and its barely 10pm

Not much else to say tonight. Going to play text twist then early night for me.

Stuck in my head earlier today at work: If the World Crashes Down...Enrique Iglesias. No words today just hummed :) I don't think my boss recognized it...ha ha

Tuesday, September 6

Stuck in my head

Several songs were stuck in my head today and once that happens, the only way to get it out of my head is to start singing out loud... job - 9am

Me (singing softly to myself): ...why does the sun go on shining, why is the sky sooo blue, don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when I...

My boss: wah wah... end of the world (this is what I heard)

Me: Sorry, what did you say?

My boss: are you singing "the end of the world"?

Me: umm, no, maybe, oh yeah right, "the end of the world", that's what it's called. (Clears throat) Yeah, it was in my head.

Yeah so not only does my boss hear me singing, but I'm singing the wrong words, and didn't even know the name of it. It's not that big of a deal though. A few of the other guys in our section sing out loud all the time. But I usually keep my tunes to myself. So it was a little embarrassing for me. But it sure went out of my head super fast after that. My boss looked at me a little funny like he wanted to ask if I was doing ok. However, he has looked at me like that before :) so I guess it doesn't really matter.

What's weird about that song being stuck in my head is that I don't have it on CD or anything. On the way to work today, I was listening to the Carpenters "Only yesterday when I was sad and I was lonely..." which is very upbeat for a Carpenter song. I don't know where "the end of the world" came from. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I woke up late (at 7:30) as I didn't turn my alarm on last night. I still left my apt at 8am which is more than enough time to get there by 8:15ish depending on traffic. Usually it is. And if I'd remembered where I parked my car, that would have been nice. As it was I just pulled into the lot at 8:35.

For some reason that escapes me, I forget where my car is parked and often walk in the opposite direction of where it is, look around, then realize my mistake. Maybe its b/c we don't have assigned spots, and my neighbors always get in before me so I don't get to park in the same place consistently. Either that or I'm suffereing from pre-senile dementia. At 30. Unlikely, I hope.

So if ever a song is stuck in your head, just sing it loud enough for your boss to hear, that's sure to help you get it out of your head.

Monday, September 5

Should I call?

So he hasn't called. Its been 5 days. I think I'll call today, casually ask how his weekend was, etc. I think enough time has passed but I don't want to leave it too long.

I am definitely interested. Not sure where this is going but he's so cool and I want to get to know him better.

One note - he's younger by more years than I want to think about (He's 24). When he told me, I was like, ohhh. I think I made a face as well. He asked if it was a problem. I quickly denied that it was. But it is, a bit.

It's funny because I think that all the guys I've dated from my 20s to now have been younger. When I was 23, I decided - no more 19-yr-old guys. Have to draw the line somewhere right. If they're not old enough to buy their own = too young. Actually, in the Caribbean, there's no drinking age or at least if there is one on the books, it's not enforced. I never got carded at home so that really didn't apply there.

I think this whole dating-younger-guys thing has happened partly because I've always looked very young for my age. At 20, I could pass for 16 easily. This was very annoying. At 30, I still get carded in most places; which is great now. So maybe that's why younger guys are attacted to me. The age gap hasn't been this much before, usu its 2-3 yrs. Well...with guys I've actually dated. Crushes don't count right? :)

I'm trying not to be bothered by the age thing too much. My Mum says that men die younger anyway so it's a good thing if they are younger than you. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it works out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a horrible person

I was reading this blog where they talked about goggling an ex just to see what they were up to, so I thought, why not?

So I goggled Lit (ok I admit, that wasn't the first time, I've goggled him before) and guess what I found out. He and his dad have the same name. I didn't know that. His father died back in May this year. I didn't know that either. Guess I didn't know him as well as I thought. It was sudden from the newspaper article's account. I met his Dad once and he seemed like a great person. His parents were happily married for 34 years. That's a long time.

I felt so sad for him. I wanted to call him. But then I thought, that would make me feel better but probably wouldn't do anything for him. If he wanted to talk to me about it, he would have told me. He didn't. So I don't think I should call him. I'm over him mostly but I still care about him and wish him well. I'm guess I'm just really sorry for him and his family. And I wish I could offer my condolences.

If I did call, how do I explain the way I found out...
...hi, so sorry to hear about your did I find out?...oh I was just goggling you and...
Yeah not something I want to explain. Am I horrible or what?

Saturday, September 3


I've tried to avoid writing about it. But it is on my mind and one of the reasons that I started this blog was to get my thoughts out. To express myself. So here goes...

It is so awful. The devastation in Louisiana. I try not to dwell on it too much. I try not to watch too many of the images that play over and over on the tv. Still, I think about all the people for whom this stuff isn't news but is their reality. They can't just distract themselves with tv, books, or games like I've been trying to do. Their main concern right now is survival in horrible conditions I can only imagine and hope never to be in.

I have to distract myself, because when I dwell on it, I just feel like crying. But that won't help them. So I'm going to donate to the red cross through my job b/c they have set it up to match whatever we donate by 100%. I can't afford to give much but at least this way it'll be double.

I've read other people thoughts on their blogs. Some have said things I don't understand, for example - why didn't those people just leave?
Here's my take - they couldn't afford to leave / no cars / not enough money to move themselves and their families to a hotel for an unlimited amount of time /no family to go to elsewhere.

I'm ashamed because so many of my problems seem trivial compared to what so many have to face now - those that survive. I'm also ashamed of the powers that be that did not make preparations so that most of the people(without the means to do so) could evacuate before the hurricane hit. I'm also ashamed that they didn't make the repairs to the levees while they had the chance to do so.

Here's a link that helped me a little (don't click if you don't enjoy sarcasm). Basically, what I got from it was that I should stop thinking about how I feel and take action. Donate, spread the word. So that's what I've done.

No longer blogging in silence

I told my sis about my blog tonight. It was good, I'd planned to tell her all along. She asked for the site address and I said that I wasn't sure if I wanted her to read it yet. So she said not to tell her. But she'd look for it on her own.

I've now told almost everyone I plan to tell about my blog. Quite liberating in a way. Scary too. But it felt weird when I hadn't told anyone, like I was lying to those closest to me. In a way, for me, it was. I guess because I'm such a vocal person. I tend to express most of what goes on in my life to my family and friends; whether it be silly or mundane or just plain funny.

Friday, September 2

Now I have to get bowling shoes

I went bowling tonight (3rd time). It was great. And it's official, I like bowling.

The first time I bowled, my highest score was 13. Complete fluke right? I was so psyched though, I went to look at bowling shoes, but talked myself out of getting them.

Yeah and the 2nd time, my highest score was 48. I was like ok, I guess the first time was a fluke after all.

But tonight I improved with every game and you can't ask for more than that right. I got a few strikes and got 100 as my highest score.

So... now I have to get bowling shoes. I figure that I'll wait for the Labor Day sales to kick in - 2 more days :)