Tuesday, February 26

odds and ends

I've been so tired lately. I know why. I haven't been on a good sleeping schedule. I'm sleeping though most nights as soon as my head hits the pillow. This is good. What isn't so good is that I'm not getting to bed early enough to capitalize on this.

I don't even have a good excuse for being up late - it's not like there's anything that great on tv. I guess I've just been restless lately.

I did finally end things with TW. We met for coffee the sat after valentine's day. He and I talked for some time. He wouldn't come right out and admit it but I think he also realized that we were not going anywhere couple-wise. We just weren't a good fit. I knew it from the 2nd date. but my friends kept saying that I shouldn't give up on a seemingly good guy too soon. Even though I couldn't express why I didn't think it was right between us didn't mean that I was wrong about it. I so need to trust my instincts. They rarely lead me wrong...unless they pertain to driving directions then I need to go opposite to my "feelings" :)
I don't regret meeting him. It was kinda fun having someone to go bowling with whenever I felt like it. That's about all I miss. We parted as friends sorta. I have no plans to call him up to "go hang out" anytime soon. I think a clean break is best.

In the meantime, Z and I have been going out most Thurs night to our local beer bar - it has beers from around the world and has a really cool crowd there Thurs night who are mostly young professionals/grad students. It is rare that we go without guys coming up to talk to us. It's really cool. We've met a few characters, sure, but they were mostly entertaining. I met a guy there who I want to call "Sarge" which is nothing like his real name but suits much better imho. He has a tattoo in his head. I'd noticed him and said tattoo before but didn't have a chance to speak to him. He jumped into one of our conversations last time and gave me the opportunity to ask about how much that tattoo must have hurt. We did a little flirting :) He asked if I came there regularly. I told him my friend and I came there from time to time. He told me that he'd look out for me soon (Z was tired so we were just about to leave when he and had our little chat). He also came right out and asked "Petra, do you have a man?". To which I replied. "Currently, no" Then he said, "I will remember that next time we meet". To which I replied, "You do that". Overall, it was a pretty fun night.

Sometimes I meet people and we chat for a while and then afterwards I sometimes think about the conversation and wonder if maybe I should have responded in a different way but that night I felt pretty good. The words just came to me.

So I mentioned Sarge to my Mum in passing...why, I don't know but I did. Her comment (keep in mind that I only talked to the guy once) was "well, I hope you know if you need blood, you can't get it from him since he has tattoos".
Yeah, that's my Mum sometimes. She leaves one speechless. Cause what can you say to that?

Time for bed - the road are going to be more of a mess tomorrow morning than they were on my drive home tonight so I need to leave for work a little earlier.

Wednesday, February 13


maybe I won't be sick forever

Ever since I took my last antibiotic on Sat morning, it felt like I was sick again. The coughing fits...back. The ear popping...back again. Plus I needed my inhaler twice a day since Sun. None of these were good signs. My nasal drip was back as well, b/c I haven't been able to take rhinocort regularly (nose bleeds/stuffy nose) so my stomach has been upset a lot lately in addition to the discomfort of always feeling like I need to clear my throat.

So I went to the doctor again yesterday - whenever I call for an appt, I always have to explain myself twice. First to the receptionist then to the nurse after she calls me back. Once I explain my situation to her, she then gives me an appt. I think it's a little ridiculous that the nurse has to declare me sick enough to be seen. But whatever.

I saw a doc I haven't seen before. He looked at my chart and immediately told me - you know you are a poster child for pollen allergies. He went on to say that I'm one of those people who's allergic to so many pollens that it has to be heavily controlled with asthma drugs even though the rot cause of my problems is allergens not asthma. He also told me that once I got the dosages of my allergy shot up to monthly dosing (I'm currently on biweekly dosing schedule), I'd really notice a difference and be able to cut down on the asthma drugs. He also said that I probably have oral allergy syndrome(OAS). I'd never heard of that before. He explained that b/c of my pollen allergies, I probably also got cross-reactions to fruit. I have noticed that many fruits when eaten raw make my lips/tongue itch but I can usually drink the juice. I told him this and he said that was typical.

He looked in my ears and throat and listened to my lungs (standard procedure) then he told me we had a few options.

Option a)he could prescribe prednisone for a few days - I told him I'd prefer not b/c I tend to have serious side effects to oral steroids, at least with the inhaled ones I currently take, the side effects are minimized.

Option b)we could increase my dosages of the current corticosteroids I'm on - again I told him I'd rather not, as I'm already on the middle dose and going on the higher dose would really increase the side effects I'd experience.

Option c)he could prescribe Z-pak for 5 days which would kill any atypical bugs that Augmentin might have missed-he also said that augmentin would have been his first choice as well. The Augmentin I took was prescibed by another doc I normally see in the practice. He thought I still had some lingering infection. He also gave me a Rx and sample for Astelin for the nasal drip. Unlike Rhinocort, it isn't a steroid so shouldn't cause nose bleeds. Only thing is that the spray is nasty if it gets in the back of your throat so I just have to stay upright for 15min after I take it. He said I should be able to feel like myself by the end of the Z-pak course.

Fingers crossed.

the crux of the matter

I kept thinking that over time I'd start feeling more. I figured he's a nice guy. Normal, mostly. It's not perfect. It isn't abusive. I'm just bored and can't see myself with him long term. It's been 3 months. I think I would know by now. He just doesn't excite me. I used to get more excited about reading his emails than about meeting him in person. This is not a good sign. He sometimes lets 6 or 7 days go by without emailing me even though email is our primary source of communication. He doesn't have a cell phone. He works behind a computer all day and expected me to believe that he only just saw my email after 4 days. I didn't buy that for a minute.
T says that excitement doesn't last but if it isn't even there at the beginning, what's the point? Why even bother?

I wrote an email to him last night but I couldn't send it. I think he deserves more than an email. I need to tell him face-to-face even though I'd rather avoid it. He emailed about going out for drinks on Valentine's day. I emailed back that I'm not a believer in celebrating such a fake day. He admitted that he was glad I didn't like it. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation.

I've thought about asking to just-be-friends but really the only thing I want to do with him is go bowling. I will miss going bowling with him. When we go bowling, I do have fun. Every time. In the car, it's gets a little weird for me. I try to keep the conversation going. I was trying to explain how I felt to my sis and I told her how sometimes I can't think of anything to say. This is weird for me - I can strike up conversations and do have random conversations with people all the time. She said, "if you can't think of something to say, you have to end it - because normally you talk all the time". Yeah, there was a backwards compliment in there somewhere(I think :)

I don't regret meeting him. It has been fun. As long as we had a specific activity to do. Otherwise it just feels like hard work. The crux of the matter is that I don't feel a strong connection to him, the kind of connection I want to have with a partner. I don't think that's his fault, I think it just isn't there. Now all I have to do is explain this.

Then of course there's the cloak-and-dagger thing with his friends. Maybe he doesn't have any friends. If that's true, it's really weird but it would explain why he's never asked me to meet any. Either that or he has a real gf who knows his friends so he can't introduce me.

I don't know if I'll feel differently someday. I've never been in love with a guy who was in love with me. So I don't know if I would then want all the hype involved in Vday. I sincerely doubt it though. I've always been anti-Vday. For one thing, I'm really allergic to pollen, so I don't deal well with fresh flowers. I love chocolate but would prefer a random gift of such, just because that person thought of me. Not so they could prove to the world how great of a bf they are. Unless, that is something they'd do normally anyway. That's just how I feel. I'm ok with other people liking it and wanting to do stuff as long as I don't have to be involved.

Sunday, February 10

later on Sat

Later on I went to dinner and movie with the girls. We saw Fool's Gold which was not half as bad as I was expecting. As expected, Matthew McConaughey, was shirtless for most of the movie which added to my enjoyment :)
After the movie we went to our usual hangout when we want beer and it was really fun. There were 3 of us and we found a good spot to have our beers and chat. I got there first and as usual I struck up a random conversation with a guy while I was waiting. Whenever I get there first, someone starts talking to me, it's the coolest bar ;)

Anyhoo, this time it was the door-guy-who checks IDs/etc. As the night wore on, he kept stopping by our area and making the wittiest comments. Damn, he was so quick and funny. I was very amused. They kicked us out at midnight b/c they always close at midnight and we moved to another bar a couple doors down. So door guy who let me call him J, said if we were still there by 2am, he see us there. As part of his job, he helps clean up the bar after closing. So after we were at the other bar for a short while, my friend Z dares me and offers $5 for me to go get his number. I rolled my eyes and tried to get out of it but I really can't resist a serious dare. So I went over there, had to knock on the door b/c they'd locked up and then explain to the owner who answered it...yeah, I kinda forgot something, I need to ask J about it. As I expected, he smirked then called J to the door. I told him that I kinda needed to get his number. He gave it to me and I left(there was a funny exchange but I won't get into it). He mentioned that I should text him b/c he usu has the ringer off.
So I go back to the other bar, mission accomplished and feeling somewhat triumphant and a little embarrassed.
My friends got excited when I showed them his number. So excited that Z took my phone and then proceeded to text him. It was all so funny. It was such a fun night and I laughed and laughed for most of it. I only had 1 beer at the first bar and stuck to water after that so I wasn't drunk at all in spite of all my laughter and Z's insinuations :)
Then this weird guy comes over to our table and sits himself down - partly my fault - b/c he came over at first when my friends were elsewhere and asked something or other and I answered. I shouldn't have encouraged him. Because then this other weird girl came over, sat herself down next to me (in Z's seat no less) and made a nuisance of herself. The following bizarre conversation ensued.
Weird Girl: My friend (weird guy) is a great guy
Me: Ummm, that's good to know
W. Guy: do you girls have jobs?(what kind of question is that?)
Me: Yes, we're chemists
W. Guy(eyes wide and interested): Really, do you make "meth"?
My friend M: Ummm, no.
Me: No. We're legit, we make stuff for a reputable pharmaceutical company
W. Girl: what do you do?
Me: We're chemists?
W.Girl: do you test animals?
Me: no we don't do any actual testing, we just make stuff that someday might become something like tylenol, what we make is shipped and tested elsewhere
W. Girl: natural things are better for the body, what you are doing is wrong (WTF?)
Me: What?
W. Girl: what do you do? (OH no back to this again)
Me: I told you already
W. Girl: what you make hurts people and you should stop(who is this weird girl?)
Me: Listen, you are entitled to your opinion but what do mean by saying what we do is wrong, this is what we do and if that offends you, you don't have to sit here
W. Girl: where are you from?
Me: what does that have to do with anything?
W. Girl: oh I didn't mean anything by it, I was just trying to place your accent(Huh?)
Me: I'm from Trinidad
W.Girl: where is that?
Me: the Caribbean
W. Girl: where is that? you are not from NY, you sound like you're from around here
Me: nope, Trinidad, the Caribbean

At this point I wanted to find a way to extricate myself from this weird duo who seemed like they might have been high. W. Girl had a pierced lower lip which I personally find disturbing up close. Then she said something about how she is hard of hearing and people mistakenly think she's offending them but she just trying to place where people are from or something like that. I kinda stopped listening at this point. Also, J from our first bar, texted me back (well, he ans the message Z had sent to him via my phone as me :) So then my friends and I passed the phone around so they could see the message too. Not to be left out, W. Girl opens her phone and shows a picture of her cat (which was a cute sleeping cat) and proceeds to give me it's life story. Finally the guy writes his number on a napkin, slides it over to us and leaves. The girl got up to use the ladies. I hustled my friends the hell out of there. I did not fancy talking to that weird girl ever again.

I finally got home at 2:30am and 15min later J finally texts me again to say he'd been in the bar we just left for 10min. I replied that we had to leave. NO response from him but it was 3am by then. I drifted to sleep soon after my head hit my pillow.
I'm too old to be staying out that late. I of course woke up at 8am today. Which in a way is fine b/c I have to feed Timmy and take my morning meds (asthma/antibiotics) but I feel kinda like death. At least, no hangover since I only had 1 drink over the 6hrs we were out, that'd be worse. I am really tired though and my cough is still here. My ears were popping yesterday. I am a little concerned b/c I thought the antibiotics I've been on for 10days(took the last one this morning) would have taken care of all of that.

early sat

I was out for most of the day on Sat. At 9am, went to breakfast with T, delicious as always. I had french toast, scrambled eggs and sausage. I managed not to get the home fries and as a result did not feel totally ill :)

I emailed TW Fri night to ask if he wanted to go bowling during the afternoon - the whole week went by without him emailing me even though I emailed him back on Mon. So he called me Sat around 11:30 to say he wanted to go. So we went and it was mostly fun. Once we have stuff to do, it's usually fun. I asked him how his week was and he was his usual evasive self. He said something about how his grandmother, who's in a care facility, was having some trouble but didn't elaborate further. He said it's been a tough week. Again no details.

Another thing I realized yesterday is that not only have I not met any of his friends(after 3months) but when he does mention them he never refers to them by name. Is he some CIA guy who can't name names? Just another weird thing. I'm ready to end it now. I feel kinda like a jerk to want to end it before V-day. I'm torn between waiting until after V-day or just ending it before. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation either way. I almost wish I could be like a guy - like all the guys who've ceased being interested in me - just not call/email. No explanation, no reasons, no messy talk. Just no contact until I get the hint.

Wednesday, February 6

back to square one?

I went to my company party with TW. It was fun. The food was not nearly as good as it normally is, but at least the desserts were still on par. Most people dress up. TW remarked that everyone was all fancy. I told him that this is the one chance for most of us to dress up since we tend to wear jeans/khakis most days.

Afterwards about 10 of us went bowling. That was great fun. It was good to see TW interact with my friends. My friend C also told me that our height difference didn't seem weird - which I was kinda glad to hear. The thing is that I still haven't met any of his friends. Not even one. You'd think that someone who was born and grew up in this town, went to both undergrad and grad school in this town would have several friends here. One would also think that he want his friends to meet me. I moved here just over 5 yrs ago. I didn't go to high school here and I went to uni 4hrs north of here. I still have several friends here who I've told about TW who wanted to meet him. That's one of the reasons I invited him, so he could meet my friends and also so I could see him interact with other people. He got a thumbs-up from my friends. This is good.

I'm still on the fence as far as he is concerned. When we go out bowling or to play pool or darts we have a good time. However when we just go out for a drink or for a meal, I find myself getting bored. We went out for a drink last week and he said "I'm a very boring person..." What kind of thing is that to say? If he was looking for me to say "oh no TW, you aren't at all boring" he is looking at the wrong chick. That's just not me. He also doesn't realize that is so not the thing to say to me. I don't do boring. I prefer interesting, funny, sarcastic, witty. I feel kinda bad sometimes. My friends say he definitely seems to like me. I think (and this is probably b/c I am in no way lacking in self esteem) -what's not to like? of course he likes me. I'm a good catch even if I say so myself. I'm smart, funny and attractive. A little weird sure but definitely interesting.

On the surface, he seems fine. Just not for me, I think. There are several little things that I can't quite get past which on their own would be fine but taken altogether are a bit much. I should probably end things but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Normally, when I don't think things are working out with a guy, I'm out. Like that! With very little in the way of guilt or regrets.

We still haven't had that conversation about boyfriend or not boyfriend or just dating or exclusive. He hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know the answer to that question so I won't be asking.

One last thing. I had a really weird dream about him - like scary/embarassing/freaky weird. I will not go into too many details other than to say that he was in it(fully clothed), his mother(who I of course have not met) and I was naked for most of it. Let's just say that I was well and truly freaked out by it. I figured that the dream was probably due to my misgivings about him. Still, it's difficult not to take it as a warning.

Tuesday, February 5

come on february

February has started and is in fine form. I did a couple rxns and they worked - not spectacularly but still reasonably well. Also, the best news ever, my supervisor has changed to a much more reasonable person in my group. No longer will I have to report to that moron. I shouldn't call him that. But he just made it so hard for me - I don't know if it was a language issue with him or what. Doesn't matter anymore b/c now he can harass/annoy his new minion instead of me. This came after a particularly trying day last Wed where he came up to me at least 6 times and asked "what are you doing?" WTF does it look like I'm doing...staring into space? picking my nose? NO dumbass, my hands have gloves on and I'm purifying this compound or I'm writing observations in my notebook. If I was staring into space, maybe he'd have a legit reason for asking me that shit. As it was, I told him several times, my goals/plans for the day and yet he kept asking like he had amnesia or something.
Now I can just let it go. It was very freeing. I don't function well when all that rage is festering inside. It just made me so angry. All I wanted to listen to was that song by Three Days Grace "Animal I Have Become". It helped a little.

I'm feeling better now. I had another cold. ON the 10th day I finally went to the doc b/c my ears which had been popping the whole time had finally become clogged. I could barely hear out of my left ear. It was very weird. So I went in and got augmentin for 10 days. That ear has been really painful from time to time but at least it's not clogged anymore and my runny nose has finally tapered off after 13 days of running. My cough is also much better.

February is definitely better than January was and it's only been 5 days. I'm am all about February.