Tuesday, September 28

I've always been different

Growing up, I always felt different from everyone else. And not necessarily in a good or bad way but just not the same. My life was very different from my peers but it wasn't just that. It was other intangible things that I couldn't define, if asked to do so, that made me different.
When my friends were going over to each others houses for parties and sleepovers, or to hang out at the mall, I was at home, taking care of my younger siblings. My Mom worked many hours and I was their main caretaker. My youngest still feels like my own (I was 17 when she was born). She often came to me first instead of my Mom whenever she needed anything. I don't regret any of this, it was just my life.
I was a sickly teen and ended up in the ER 2-3 times a year every year. I used to think that I would die before the age of 25. My asthma was really bad and the controllers they had back then were pills which caused severe side effects in me(large muscle cramps like my calves would cramp so bad that it hurt to walk/hands shaking so badly that I could barely hold a pen/rashes), so much that I couldn't take them regularly and had to depend solely on my rescue inhaler. When it failed, then the ER and nebulizer treatments and often epinephrine shots were what I had to look forward to. This also added to my feeling of isolation, like I was the only person like me in the entire world.

I think that feeling continued until I was in the US in college. I finally felt like I'd found kindred among my friends. I've always been outgoing and have had many people who call me their friends. Personally, many of them were/are merely acquaintances to me and few are what I'd call real friends. After college though, so few of them stayed in touch. I too am partly at fault for that. I tried with the ones I'd once felt so close to but they mostly pulled away from me. So in the town I pretty much call home, I made new friends. Some have drifted away from me, some I have drifted away from, and others have stuck. I like to think that it is the good ones that have stuck. Here and now, I feel less different that I did as a kid or a teen. Still different but not so much that it really matters anymore.

random nonsense

I'm sick. Stayed home from work today which is a huge deal. At my job, there is a lot of pressure to go to work even if you are sick. Their policy is if you are not dying then you should come to work. My ears have been popping for nearly 2 weeks now and I felt a sore throat coming on yesterday. Woke up today, not only was my throat inflamed, but my ears hurt like crazy and I was feeling just awful. Decided not to go in, called in to tell my boss that I was sick and he didn't recognize my voice because I kinda sounded like a frog was stuck in my throat. Spent most of today resting and drinking hot tea. Going to bed soon. Have to go in tomorrow, regardless of how I feel. Hopefully I'll feel better than I did this morning.

Met this random guy at the drugstore 3 weeks ago. We got to chatting and I thought he was cute and after 15min of chatting outside said store, we exchanged numbers. I didn't have high hopes for this. 1)he's 24, 11yrs younger. 2)he told me he lived at home with his parents and 3.he refused to pay for a cell phone provider and had some odd set-up with his iPhone so he could text and make calls via internet.
Anyhoo, with all that in mind, I still thought maybe I'd find a friend to do stuff with that my current friends didn't want to do as often as me (like bowling, pool, stuff like that). I also thought if he was interested in a fling with an older woman, I could prob be into that, like I said, he was cute.
So I wait a few days (I was on my way out of town when we met)then tried to text him. I got this weird message back from verizon telling me that it was a "landline" and if I wanted to send a text to it, it would cost me 25c per text in addition to adding to my text used. That kinda upset me. I admit,I was also a little hormonal at the time and thought "f*ck this!" If he can afford a frickin iPhone and is living with his parents why can't have a regular phone like nomral people, even a pre-paid phone would have been fine. So I decided to just let it go. A week goes by and I get this text from a pc asking if I was the girl he met at the drugstore. By then, I'd calmed down enough to respond. I told him about how I'd tried to text him and about the message I got. He "lol" and said yeah, it is. We have this silly convo back and forth in which he tells me he can text from his pc through voip chat. He and I decide to meet in a week. So I'm kinda excited again and we decide on last Thurs at 6 for our meeting time at a local coffee house. Tues I get a txt from him saying he might have to work late and if it was ok with me if we met later on Thurs. So I'm flexible, so I say, "sure, I live minutes away, so I can meet later, just let me know when you're on your way." Wed evening I get another text from him telling me he's not feeling so good and if he and I could discuss whether to meet on Thurs. This weirded me out. It was like he was looking for a reason not to meet but was afraid I'd get mad or something. So I gave him an out and said "Something's come up and thurs won't work for me after all and since you might have to work late/not feeling too well, how about we postpone till next week." All the other text responses he's sent me arrive a couple hrs later. He responded right away to that one though and said, "yeah, let's do next week instead".
At this point, I don't care if I ever see him again or not or even if I hear from him again. I don't need this shit. My job is super stressful. And I just don't have time to play these kinda stupid games. Either he wants to meet or he doesn't. And if he doesn't fine, I'm not going to cry or scream at him.
Yeah, so I had decided in my mind that if he texted me and asked - so are we on for thurs at 6 at same place - I would say yes and go. If he tried to have us do the stupid texting back and forth again (which previously used 30 of my 250 texts for a freakin non-meeting) to find another time, I was out.
I got a text from him last night which said, you want to meet this week right? wtf?
So I texted him back today saying that I was home sick today and busy the rest of the week. He can take from that what he wants. I'm kinda done.

In other news, the neighbors from hell moved in above me about 3mths ago...they vacuum nearly every day. They move the freakin furniture sometimes more than once a week when they do this OCD vacuuming. They wear clogs and stomp about on the fuckin floors above me at all hours. Especially after 9pm at night. I wish they would move out. Or something, anything but continue to live above me.

Sunday, June 13

I'm back...

It's has been forever since I felt the need to blog. My life has changed in many ways and in others are still the same from the last time I posted a year ago...

There are moments when I am devastated that the guy I want is not interested in me. In these moments it feels like my world is shattered. It feels like the worst thing that could possibly have happened to me ever.

I know, in my rational mind. that this is not really true. At times, worse things have happened to me and others I know, in the past and present. 4 of my good friends got laid off 2 weeks ago. I was almost certain I was going to be one of them when our company announced to us they were going to lay off 10% of us. It was a terrible 2 days - which is the time it took from the moment they informed us of it to when they let go the last person and our managers gathered us and told us we'd survived the cuts.

A couple of my laid off friends have family here to help them out or have friends they rent from who are allowing to be there rent-free until they find something else. I would be up shit-creek if I was laid off. It's scary to me b/c I don't have savings. So I've resolved to take a little longer to pay off some of my debt and start saving the $200 or whatever I make at my 2nd job every month.

I do have a plan B to do something else and am currently taking an online course to facilitate this. I work a lot and still have a fairly active social life so the course is slow-going. I have to be more motivated though.

Jobs in my field are becoming more and more scarce as big pharma takes their work overseas instead of to CROs like the one I work for, and the few jobs available are for PhD's who've had management experience or for BS grads who are just out of school. I have a BS degree and nearly 8yrs of lab experience. You'd think that would count for something. But it doesn't. When they speak to you like you've just come out of college and have never worked in a lab before, you realize it means nothing.
I'm tired of working with and for socially stunted people who have to be condescending to their direct reports because that's how they were treated in grad school or how they were treated in high school when they social outcasts or whatever reason it is they act like that. None of that is my fault and I resent having to report to these people. I am not stupid. I am not dirt under their boots. The sad part is that I enjoy my job. The job in and of itself I like, but having to deal with most of these kinds of people for almost 8yrs has worn me down and out, and has made me bitter and resentful a lot of the time. I do not want to turn into the petty excuses for human beings that many of them are. I have to get out and do something else before that happens.

When I think about all the above, wanting someone who doesn't want me seems silly and almost trivial. Still, I find myself tearing up for no reason at odd times when I'm home mostly...thinking about what I could do/could have done differently. Every time time I think I'm past it, I'm fine for a few days. Then, it hits me and I feel overwhelmed by it. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I know it's not really the end of the world. But in certain moments, it sure as hell feels like it is.