Sunday, June 13

I'm back...

It's has been forever since I felt the need to blog. My life has changed in many ways and in others are still the same from the last time I posted a year ago...

There are moments when I am devastated that the guy I want is not interested in me. In these moments it feels like my world is shattered. It feels like the worst thing that could possibly have happened to me ever.

I know, in my rational mind. that this is not really true. At times, worse things have happened to me and others I know, in the past and present. 4 of my good friends got laid off 2 weeks ago. I was almost certain I was going to be one of them when our company announced to us they were going to lay off 10% of us. It was a terrible 2 days - which is the time it took from the moment they informed us of it to when they let go the last person and our managers gathered us and told us we'd survived the cuts.

A couple of my laid off friends have family here to help them out or have friends they rent from who are allowing to be there rent-free until they find something else. I would be up shit-creek if I was laid off. It's scary to me b/c I don't have savings. So I've resolved to take a little longer to pay off some of my debt and start saving the $200 or whatever I make at my 2nd job every month.

I do have a plan B to do something else and am currently taking an online course to facilitate this. I work a lot and still have a fairly active social life so the course is slow-going. I have to be more motivated though.

Jobs in my field are becoming more and more scarce as big pharma takes their work overseas instead of to CROs like the one I work for, and the few jobs available are for PhD's who've had management experience or for BS grads who are just out of school. I have a BS degree and nearly 8yrs of lab experience. You'd think that would count for something. But it doesn't. When they speak to you like you've just come out of college and have never worked in a lab before, you realize it means nothing.
I'm tired of working with and for socially stunted people who have to be condescending to their direct reports because that's how they were treated in grad school or how they were treated in high school when they social outcasts or whatever reason it is they act like that. None of that is my fault and I resent having to report to these people. I am not stupid. I am not dirt under their boots. The sad part is that I enjoy my job. The job in and of itself I like, but having to deal with most of these kinds of people for almost 8yrs has worn me down and out, and has made me bitter and resentful a lot of the time. I do not want to turn into the petty excuses for human beings that many of them are. I have to get out and do something else before that happens.

When I think about all the above, wanting someone who doesn't want me seems silly and almost trivial. Still, I find myself tearing up for no reason at odd times when I'm home mostly...thinking about what I could do/could have done differently. Every time time I think I'm past it, I'm fine for a few days. Then, it hits me and I feel overwhelmed by it. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I know it's not really the end of the world. But in certain moments, it sure as hell feels like it is.