Sunday, January 27

another week, another cold

I have another cold. I think this is s new record for me - 3 colds in a month. I had a sore throat Tues night and woke up with it Wed morning. I went to work for a couple hrs Wed and then went home b/c I was feeling pretty bad. Also stayed home Thu - coughed all day. Went in on Fri and felt much better even though I was still hoarse and coughing occasionally. I felt better. Sat morning I woke up with a headache and a sore throat and was a bit concerned but I just ignored it, took some sudafed and went about my day. took a walk with my friend around 9pm after dinner - this was probably a mistake b/c I wasn't dressed warmly enough for walking outside in 24F temps. I woke up today with a headache, hoarseness and bad cough. I still went to choir and made it through rehearsal with only a few coughs. During the service though - it was bad. I had to go to the bathroom about 8 times to cough - it sounded like my lungs were going to come up in my throat. It was getting worse b/c the service was going on and I was trying not to cough. That always makes it worse. So half-way through the service I left and came home. I spent the day resting mostly and am off to bed now. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. It's so annoying to be sick again. I'm so fed up of it. At work they tell me to stay home when I'm sick but they never do. They come in sick and infect me and then I always get sicker than they do. It sucks ass.

Tuesday, January 22

Heath Ledger - can you believe it? My friend told me today and I figured it was some sort of sick joke but it seems to be true. It's just crazy b/c he seemed so stable. Not that I knew him of course. Still, there are many other actors/entertainers out there who seem to be in far more trouble than him. I guess you only get to see the face they show the world. I feel sad for his kid.

Saturday, January 19

there's this moment... Stranger Than Fiction...when Ana Pascal walk in and looks at Harold(the main character) who playing the guitar and singing with his eyes closed. She gives him this look - this look that says so much without words. That's what I'm looking for, and I don't know if I'll ever find it. Find someone I'll feel that way about or who'll make me feel that way. I do know that I haven't found it yet.

This movie chokes me up every time I see it...even though I already know the ending :)

in the land of OZ

I fell asleep on my futon last night watching tennis - woke up at 1am and Federer and Tipsarevic were still battling away. I went to bed before the match was over but it looked like it could go either way. This is the first real test Fed. has had and boy was he tested. I went to bed thinking he might actually lose.

Today I watched Hewitt(aussie's great hope) battle Baghdatis. Their match didn't start until 1am Aussie time due to the late end of the Federer/Tipsarevic match. They also went about 4hrs. I picked Hewitt to win in my raquet bracket but Baghdatis gave him a run for his money.

Nadal plays his 4th round match tomorrow so I will be tuning in for that. I love tennis.


I had a funny conversation with a guy from the gym - I might have mentioned him as the guy from the gym who couldn't get his act together. Anyhoo, I saw him this past week at the gym (yes, I actually managed to work out once this week) and he and I chatted a bit. He said I looked really good for someone who wasn't at the gym. He also said and I quote "you must be beating them off with a stick". This made me laugh and feel pretty good. Fact is, I have lost another 1/2" off my waist and 1" off my belly and 1" off my hips - the belly fat is slowly breaking away from me, I may actually be able to see me abs someday! Actual lbs lost since Sep 07 is 4. This may not sound like a lot but at 4'11 3/4", 4lbs adds up. I even feel the difference in my jeans. This has motivated me to start doing sit-ups and push-ups every other day. I can only do about 12 push-ups so far and about 25-30 sit-ups but I think this will improve if I keep at it.
I put a pick of Nadal displaying his biceps(he doesn't even have to try) in my bedroom. It's the first thing I see after I put my glasses on - it motivates me :)


It's Sat morning - I wish I had a friend I could call to go get some breakfast. My friends have lots of excuses, many of them legit. I just wish I had someone I could feel comfortable calling. I rarely turn down invites out unless I'm ill. I do have a friend I get breakfast with sometimes but when she's not feeling up to it, there isn't anyone else.

I'm just a bit whiny lately. And a bit down. I know there are people out there with real problems and issues but that doesn't mean that mine don't seem equally real and problematic to me.

This is not what I had envisioned when I thought about having a boyfriend. I don't even know if he's my boyfriend or not. I don't feel exactly free to date other people. I think I should since nothing has been said by either of us.

I've invited him to a company party in a few weeks and I'm still unsure about how to introduce him...right now I'm thinking of, this is my date "TW". He's not asked about it either. While I don't really have any first hand experience with having a boyfriend, it is my understanding that if a guy is interested in having you date only him, he will ask and ensure this. Won't he?

So after having invited him to this company event, which happens in 3 weeks, he emails me about this Fri morning - His good friend is having a birthday party tonight that he's going to and he does not invite me. Just says that he'll be going to that so maybe we could get a drink Fri night since he'll be busy Sat. Well, I worked until 6:30pm Fri night and the only thing I wanted to do was go home, eat some pizza, and watch some tennis. That's it. My apt was a bit untidy and so I didn't want company because I was too tired to clean it. Plus, my kitchen had tons of dishes piled up and I was definitely too tired to be hustling to get them washed if I was having company. SO I told him to have fun at his party and that maybe we could meet for a drink early next week instead b/c I was too tired.

Personally, I think he should have invited me to his friend's party or just not said anything about it. Fact is, that he has met one of my friends and had opportunities to meet a couple others which he declined/had other plans. I have not met any of his friends nor have I had the opportunity to do so - unless he's counting the waitress at his fav bar who knows him well. I feel he should have not said anything to me about this party since he didn't want to invite me for whatever reason.

My friend Z, said that maybe he didn't have a game-plan either about when you talk about dating exclusively. I think that's crap, but what do I know? In my experience with guys and this is really only with guys who are just my friends, when they want a girl only to date them, they say so. They don't assume anything. They make sure she knows that they want to be with her only.

The thing about this guy is that he's not my type physically at all. He's very skinny and a bit too tall. My friends say the height shouldn't matter but I am aware of it whenever we stand next to each other. I am very aware of the extra foot and a half and I feel like a freak. I try not to think about it and usually I'm not concerned about what other people think but in this case I can't seem to let this go. Maybe it has something to do with my insecurities about my height. I'm short, just under 5' and was even shorter/skinny when I was in high school. Back then I had to defend against negative comments about my height almost every day. That sticks with you. I hardly ever used to think about any of that - I guess I managed to block most of it out like I have many other unpleasant parts of my past. It keeps surfacing lately though and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

He seems to be a nice guy although he only likes to go out to eat at bars or places that serve bar-food. We tried to go to a different place and the wait was 45min, which was ridiculous, I agree, but there were maybe 10 other restaurants on that street that were somewhat similar that we could have tried. Instead he drives another 20min to a bar we've been to before for mediocre burgers.

I suggested a couple places but he said "I think those places have too many people, I prefer someplace more low key". By low-key, he means a bar, no wait, true, but mediocre to crappy food that has tons of fat and useless calories. He does pay most times, so I'm not complaining about that.
The thing is, that things are not the way I imagined they would be. I feel like it would be ok to make exceptions for someone who fit my criteria more. Maybe I'm just more shallow that I thought.

I have had these reservations about TW from the start but they have gotten worse ever since the whole making-out-thing with BG. BG is not exactly my ideal but he's more in a height range that doesn't make me self-conscious. I also felt much more comfortable with BG in a shorter space of time and I'm not quite at that level with TW yet in spite of having been dating him for a couple months.

Is it too early to meet a guy's friends? Shouldn't I get a chance to see how he interacts with people who know him well before I commit myself completely? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm probably wrong. Be that as it may, this just doesn't feel right. It has never really felt right. It's been ok and mostly fun. I'm just biding time now.

Tuesday, January 15

boy update

So I am still dating TW - it's been just over 2mths since we started dating.

I was a bit confused ever since I got back from my holiday. Partly b/c I was a bit naughty and kinda hooked up with a guy (let's call him BG) - if I wasn't plastered, I might have stopped sooner than I did. As it was, it was a very close call. This is just not the sort of thing that I normally do. Ever. I met BG the last time I was there and we clicked but nothing happened. I really like BG and there is major chemistry but he lives on another continent. I like TW and he lives here - in the same city as me. And he's probably better suited to me as well.

I was thinking too much - wondering if maybe BG would be a better guy b/c there was so much chemistry. Honestly though, I haven't spent much time actually talking to BG - the sexual chemistry clouded almost everything else out. I don't know if there's a chance for more or not. I may never get the chance to find out.

TW is a really sweet guy and he's fun and I have a great time whenever we hang out. He made me this really cool gift for Christmas. I was a bit apprehensive when he told me he was making me something but it is perfect and appropriate. If you want to know what it is, email me and I'll send you a picture (I don't want to post it b/c it is unique).

So I've decided to stop second-guessing myself. To stop analyzing everything. Stop trying to "figure out where the relationship is going". Stop pondering... are we in a relationship? should I ask him to define the boundaries of such? should I have a talk with him about being exclusive and not dating other people? So many questions...Instead, I'm just going to enjoy and take things one day/date at a time. As long as it remains positive and fun, then I'm going to run with it.

in the land of Oz

In other news, tennis is once again saving my sanity. Aussie open, people. Watch! You'll like. Lots of exciting things happening in both the men's and women's game. Some great players out there. I don't normally watch much of the women's game but the match-ups are really good this year and I've watched a few already.

My boy Nadal really struggled to win his first round match vs Troiki(who had some killer aces and was also able to return a lot of what Nadal threw at him) but I'm hoping that's where his major hiccup will be and he'll look better as time goes on. I'm hoping he improves and makes it past the 1/4finals this year.
Federer was magnificent. I know I sound like a fan of his and I do like him though not as much as Nadal. Watching him effortlessly demolish Hartfield was a thing of beauty. I felt kinda sorry for poor Hartfield - Federer in the first round.

work update

I have been in no mood to post lately. I've had stuff to say but haven't had the inclination to actually write it all out.

I am having a really shit time at work since I've been back. The chemistry gods are angry. Very angry. Not just at me - several other people in my group have also been having crappy yields + weird unidentifiable impurities. The one I'm working on now has had several purifications and still has some shit in it that neither I nor the other experienced scientists in my lab can identify. It's enough to make a sane person nuts. I feel like screaming and pulling my hair out all day, every day. It's been so shit. Hopefully once I get this crap shipped, I'll have a bit more luck.

Things have to get better as some point, right?

Saturday, January 5

Happy New Year

I've not been in a mood to post much. I got back from my trip last Sat but it feels like I've been back much longer. At least it was only a 3-day work week else I don't think I would have survived.

I went out last night to a bar that had a live band. The band was pretty good. When we left my car was gone and in its place was a parking violations vehicle - bad sign. Yes, my car was towed. I had to take a taxi to it ($7.50) and then after paying ($135) to get it out, I found a $50 ticket on it. Happy New Year to me.
Needless to say that kinda ruined my night but it just the kind of shit that always seems to happen to me.

Hopefully this is the end of the crap and 2008 as a whole will turn out much better than 2007 was. I'm really tired since I didn't get in until 2am and still went to breakfast with T at 9am. I woke up at 7:30. I really should take a nap.

I'm supposed to go out with the guy TW tonight at 6 but right now I just don't feel up to it. My feelings are a bit confused where he is concerned at the moment and I don't know if I want to continue seeing him or not. There was a bit of weirdness on both our parts while I was gone and I don't know if this is what I want. I am confused (and you probably are too due to my vagueness) but that's just where I'm at now.

More to come later.