musings...

It's Sat morning - I wish I had a friend I could call to go get some breakfast. My friends have lots of excuses, many of them legit. I just wish I had someone I could feel comfortable calling. I rarely turn down invites out unless I'm ill. I do have a friend I get breakfast with sometimes but when she's not feeling up to it, there isn't anyone else.

I'm just a bit whiny lately. And a bit down. I know there are people out there with real problems and issues but that doesn't mean that mine don't seem equally real and problematic to me.

This is not what I had envisioned when I thought about having a boyfriend. I don't even know if he's my boyfriend or not. I don't feel exactly free to date other people. I think I should since nothing has been said by either of us.

I've invited him to a company party in a few weeks and I'm still unsure about how to introduce him...right now I'm thinking of, this is my date "TW". He's not asked about it either. While I don't really have any first hand experience with having a boyfriend, it is my understanding that if a guy is interested in having you date only him, he will ask and ensure this. Won't he?

So after having invited him to this company event, which happens in 3 weeks, he emails me about this Fri morning - His good friend is having a birthday party tonight that he's going to and he does not invite me. Just says that he'll be going to that so maybe we could get a drink Fri night since he'll be busy Sat. Well, I worked until 6:30pm Fri night and the only thing I wanted to do was go home, eat some pizza, and watch some tennis. That's it. My apt was a bit untidy and so I didn't want company because I was too tired to clean it. Plus, my kitchen had tons of dishes piled up and I was definitely too tired to be hustling to get them washed if I was having company. SO I told him to have fun at his party and that maybe we could meet for a drink early next week instead b/c I was too tired.

Personally, I think he should have invited me to his friend's party or just not said anything about it. Fact is, that he has met one of my friends and had opportunities to meet a couple others which he declined/had other plans. I have not met any of his friends nor have I had the opportunity to do so - unless he's counting the waitress at his fav bar who knows him well. I feel he should have not said anything to me about this party since he didn't want to invite me for whatever reason.

My friend Z, said that maybe he didn't have a game-plan either about when you talk about dating exclusively. I think that's crap, but what do I know? In my experience with guys and this is really only with guys who are just my friends, when they want a girl only to date them, they say so. They don't assume anything. They make sure she knows that they want to be with her only.

The thing about this guy is that he's not my type physically at all. He's very skinny and a bit too tall. My friends say the height shouldn't matter but I am aware of it whenever we stand next to each other. I am very aware of the extra foot and a half and I feel like a freak. I try not to think about it and usually I'm not concerned about what other people think but in this case I can't seem to let this go. Maybe it has something to do with my insecurities about my height. I'm short, just under 5' and was even shorter/skinny when I was in high school. Back then I had to defend against negative comments about my height almost every day. That sticks with you. I hardly ever used to think about any of that - I guess I managed to block most of it out like I have many other unpleasant parts of my past. It keeps surfacing lately though and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

He seems to be a nice guy although he only likes to go out to eat at bars or places that serve bar-food. We tried to go to a different place and the wait was 45min, which was ridiculous, I agree, but there were maybe 10 other restaurants on that street that were somewhat similar that we could have tried. Instead he drives another 20min to a bar we've been to before for mediocre burgers.

I suggested a couple places but he said "I think those places have too many people, I prefer someplace more low key". By low-key, he means a bar, no wait, true, but mediocre to crappy food that has tons of fat and useless calories. He does pay most times, so I'm not complaining about that.
The thing is, that things are not the way I imagined they would be. I feel like it would be ok to make exceptions for someone who fit my criteria more. Maybe I'm just more shallow that I thought.

I have had these reservations about TW from the start but they have gotten worse ever since the whole making-out-thing with BG. BG is not exactly my ideal but he's more in a height range that doesn't make me self-conscious. I also felt much more comfortable with BG in a shorter space of time and I'm not quite at that level with TW yet in spite of having been dating him for a couple months.

Is it too early to meet a guy's friends? Shouldn't I get a chance to see how he interacts with people who know him well before I commit myself completely? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm probably wrong. Be that as it may, this just doesn't feel right. It has never really felt right. It's been ok and mostly fun. I'm just biding time now.