Friday, December 30

Time flies when you're having fun

I'm still on vacay with my family. Time is flying by and only 3 days left. Been great though. Did some shopping. Mostly I've just been lazing around, playing games with famliy, watching tv, and eating, eating eating. No real exercise. I keep meaning to but still not used to the whole 5hr time difference. 5hr makes a lot of difference. Helped my sis get her dvd recorder connected and up and running - after much discussion/trial-and-error.

great list of pressies: 30GB i-pod; jewelry; chocloates(ferrero rocher); painting and poem (from younger sibs); i-pod case/player(cool speaker thingy); other small fun things that I like but would probably not have bought for myself.

Actual time here is 19:04 whatever that means :)

Friday, December 23

Most of my packing's done

Most of my packing's done. My apt - still a mess. Going to try to clean up a bit in the am before I leave. I'm have to leave by 1030am so I have a little time. Was about to go to bed when I started having a nose-bleed. Haven't had a full one like that in years. Usu, there's just some blood when I blow. Once I stop, its fine. But tonight, it felt like my nose was running so I got a tissue, then major blood. So i put some ice on it and it seems to have stopped now.
May not have time to blog until I get back.
Best wishes for the New Year.

Wednesday, December 21

Guess what my sis got me?

IPOD baby. So excited! Now i just got to figure it out. Its charging :) Its the coolest thing ever.

Taking 1/2 day off tomorrow. Still have to pack. My living room looks like a mini bomb hit it. I just don't want to forget anything so when I think of something I want to take/need to take, I put it next to my suitcase. Currently, there are 2 piles and stuff strewn all over my dining table.

Going to bed soon. Am exhausted.

Tuesday, December 20

air conditioner

They finally moved my air conditioner out of my window. After 2 weeks of calling the office manager here. Finally, tonight, I saw a note on my door, saying that they'd removed it. My apt was like an oven. Had to open a window for a while to get it back to a normal temp. With the air conditioner in my window, I've had to have my heat on the highest setting just for it to be warm enough for me to sit there (in a sweater+socks+blanket).

Luckily I don't pay for my heat, it's included. Still, you'd think they'd have cared more about all the wasted energy and come remove it sooner. I tried to remove it myself on Sun. I was just so frustrated that they hadn't done it yet. Well, I got it part-way out the window before I realized that I couldn't move it any further in(way too heavy). It hung precariously half-in/half-out(the window) while I struggled to get it back in place. Couldn't just leave it there. Apart from the cold wind that was rushing in, I was afraid it'd fall out and kill someone. So I struggled for about 10min and finally got it back in place. Told my friend at work about it and she planned to come over tomorrow after work to help me remove it-she was so incensed on my behalf that they hadn't removed it. I don't have central air, if you want air conditioning at my apt complex, you have to buy a unit and they'll install for you for free. This year I bought one b/c it was so hot for so long, I couldn't even sleep.

Now I can have my living at a normal temp and go back to my normal year-round wear of tanks/shorts.

It's clear to me now...I'm a spas

Working out at the gym tonight, this kinda cute guy smiles at me, so I smile back...continue using different machines. Then I walk by him to get to another machine, and he goes - hi, how's it going? So I go - umm, hi, I'm alright. Then I think, what do I say now. My blank. So I just smile again and move on to the next machine. Several times this sort of happens without any more conversation. As I was leaving, my friend called out to me (she'd just noticed me leaving). So my friend and I chatted for a couple minutes. Guess who randomly walks by us. The guy. He made eye contact and seemed as if he was about to say something. Then he just kept walking.

Update on the Speed Dating. I said yes to further contact to a couple guys. 2 of them have since sent an email. I haven't answered yet. Don't know what I was thinking about where it was supposed to lead. It's just that this feels too much like online dating (which I tried for about 6 mths with little success). Don't really want to do that again. Also got an email from a guy I didn't say yes to. Kind of sad. He sent me this sad emoticon. What? Is that supposed to change my first impression and my mind? I don't know, but no intention of responding. Really should write back to the other guys though. Don't know what to say though. Not really in the mood to deal. Trying to get all my last minute errands done before my trip.

Monday, December 19

Discovery Health-my new fav channel

I am at once both mesmerized and aghast at Medical Miracles/Medical Incredible (both on Discovery Health channel). Very graphic surgeries are shown and the most amazing medical stories are told. Tonight's was "Pregnant for 46 yrs"-just amazing the things the human body can adapt to and survive. Stuff like that just reaffirms my belief in something bigger than just our human existence and knowledge.

The first story was of this woman whose baby had died in her womb and was too large to miscarry or be reabsorbed. At the hospital, she ran away when she found out that they wanted to operate to remove the fetus. 46 yrs later, she had a lot of pain and medical complications so she finally decided to go back to the doctor. They removed it and it was a "stone baby". Very gross. Her body had covered it in calcium deposits to seal it off from her internal organs.

In the next story, this woman was pregnant with twins. Then in her 12th week she started bleeding and had a lot of pain. Then they found out that she had a third baby who was ectopic (in her fallopian tube) and by the 12th week, it had grown so big that it had ruptured the tube (hence the bleeding and pain) but it had reattached itself to her abdominal wall and it continued growing. Can you imagine? Normally, ectopic pregnancies like that, don't progress that far and eventually rupture - usually both mother and baby die. At 7mths, they did C-section of sorts. They first delivered the twins in the womb. Then they had to search for the 3rd baby b/c they couldn't see it. Finally they got him out. They said there was a 60 million:1 chance of her and her babies surviving the operation. And they expected the 3rd baby to most likely have brain damage or developmetal problems due to his development outside the womb. But the kids are all healthy and developing normally (they showed them at age 6). Just amazing.

Then the stories on medical incredible - this guy with neurofibromatosis. They thought he'd be dead by 8. He's 36. They removed a 7 1/2 lb tumor from his neck when he was 8. He had over 10 serious surgeries as a kid to remove tumors. Tumors grow all over his face and now that he's older they are too entwined with his brain and facial muscles for them to be removed. He has migraines that last 5-6 weeks at a time. He travels around educating and talking about his disease and self-esteem/having a positive outlook on life.

This other kid had this genetic disorder where his body can't block or heal from damage caused by UV rays. Just opening the door to check the mail could cause serious damage. He has to check his skin for cancers every day so that they can be caught early enough to be treated. His family moved from Israel to NY to get away from the intense UV/sun there. Such courage these people have. This kid (19) said that God doesn't give us more than we can bear and this is what he has to bear.

When I see stuff like that, it makes all the stuff I worry about seem almost silly by comparison.

Sunday, December 18

soon i'll be on holiday

Didn't do much for most of Sat but had plans to go to a party with a friend of mine. The plan was for me to drive to her house, then she'd drive the rest of the way to our friend (who now lives ~1h away). So I dress and am actually ready in good time. Guess what? Car won't start. Stupid click-click-click-click sound AGAIN. So I call my friend and she comes to get and away we went. Had fun, went out to a cool Turkish place for dinner. Good wine before dinner, turkish tea during and great biscotti after. We got back a bit later than we planned. Unplanned scenic route on the way back ;)

So I got up today and went out at 8am to see if my car would start or if it was truly dead. Same clicks-not even the radio came on. So I waited until Pep Boys was open, then called AAA. Luckily I didn't need to be towed, it started after about 5 attempts. Drive to PepBoys, 3hrs later - battery's dead. I was kind of glad in a way. I wanted them to find something they could fix. The battery I bought last year was from a shop that's no longer open. Good news is that this new battery comes with a 24 mth free replacement warranty. They checked all my fluids/tires/etc. and everything else is as it should be. So hopefully I'm good for winter now. At least this happened Sun when I had time to kill/wait around rather than on a workday morning. That would've sucked big time.

Talked to the family today. My Mom and younger sibs are already at my sis. 4 more days till I leave. Spending 10d at my sis. Can't wait. So we'll all be together for the holidays. English Christmas:) Wrapped presents today. Took a lot of doing but was finally able to get one of my sis' presents secure in one of my suitcases. I didn't think it'd fit but it's what she "really, really, really, wants for Christmas" - her words :) So I had to try. Not much else can fit in the suticase but at least I got it in there and secure enough not to be easily damaged. She may read this but its ok since we talked about it so its not really a suprise. Hope I don't have to open anything at the airport. It's a state-of-the-art(imho)jewelry box courtesy of QVC. She's very big on jewelry so I know she'll get good use of the 20-plus compartments. Still have a couple things left to buy and wrap. Plus need to do a few last minute errands.

Can't wait for my holiday. May even take 1/2 day off on Thurs.

Friday, December 16

What I miss

People always ask what I miss from home? I usu say - my family then the food. At this time of year, I also miss the music. December is the time for Parang and also start of carnival season. Parang music is sung in Spanish, Spanglish and English. Hard to describe unless you've heard it before. Most traditional parang is about Jesus and his birth. I still remember and can sing a few Parang songs that we learned in elementary school (in Spanish) word-for-word. No idea what I'm singing though :). But kids are like that, you can teach them anything. I especially like the soca parang which is a more modern form and focuses more on local Christmas traditions and food. The music links here are worth listening to for a taste of what I'm talking about (may be a little difficult for non-trinis to understand).

I'm looking for a CD with all the old songs I remember from my childhood. I have a couple cassettes which are very well worn. Definitely time to upgrade.

Tea cup brawl - only in Trinidad

I read news from back home a lot. Some of it from the local newspapers and also from the bbc news site. No matter the topic, there is always something funny about the stories, especially those in the local papers. I didn't read newspapers often when I liveed there but the online editions are something else. There doesn't seem to be any proof-reading happening to most of the stories there. I don't remember if it's the same for the printed versions. It's quite shameful really. To me anyway.

Here's a link to one of the gems - easy to read because it's from the bbc site.
Another interesting article, not based on T&T but about indentity in South Africa.
A few more interesting links here and here.
Seems like I was saving my week's worth of posting for today :)

been very stressed

I've been very stressed this week. Partly or rather mostly due to this guy at work. To something I said which he took way out of proportion. Now it has escalated to the point where I'm very uncomfortable. Random people asking me questions or making comments. Not ready to get into detail about it here yet. But it has bothered me all week.

Switched back to using Advair this week since my regular Doc said I should as she's sure the muscle spasms I'v been having weren't due to it. Well, had more cramps today, both hands. Maybe b/c of the Advair or maybe my doc is right. Since I have been overly concerned about the stuff this guy said- simply can't let it go- my body is reacting to my anxiety about this. All this week I could feel my eye twitching from time to time. Even my jaw felt tight.

The last month before I graduated (from college) was something else. I was hoarse for a month, had constant eye twitches for 2 weeks straight (during finals). This was 3 1/2 yrs ago.

Have typed a lot today too so maybe that's contributing to the muscle spasms.

We had our dept party yesterday at a local bar/restaurant/game place. I always go to our dept parties b/c its like a free half-day. Plus we each get 2 drink coupons. The food was better than usual. Burgers, grilled chicken for sandwiches and the necessary fixings and salad. They're pool tables and played a few games with my friends. Half-way through, a guy I know from our IT dept (a fellow x-phile) asked me to play one of the FPS games with him. The rest of his team had left early and he figured a fellow fan wouldn't mind playing. (Plus he was paying :) It was more fun than I thought it'd be. We shot many dinosaurs.

This got me thinking - why is it that the guys who ask me out never take me on fun dates. Maybe I get offered dinner but usually it's just drinks or a movie. Why don't they ask if I want to go bowling or play pool after dinner. Or even go to an arcade and play games like that? It was fun. At least if there's something for you to do, it helps, you know.

stupid questions

Earlier this week, one of my co-workers asked if I was going back home for Christmas. I told him that I wasn't, was instead going to England to my sis. Then he says - Is it winter there now? Back in Trinidad? I answer - Trinidad, Caribbean, tropics, warm all the time. Helllooo.

How does any adult not know this? I mean, I don't expect everyone to know where Trinidad is exactly or where any small island is for that matter but general geographic locations should evoke something. Like Caribbean = tropics = warm/sun/rain/no winter ever. Shouldn't this be common knowlegde? Especially to someone who holds a PhD. You wonder if people like this also think that New Zealand is near Iceland. I hope they know isn't. He's not the first person to ask me this - if there's snow in the Caribbean. C'mon, everyone should know this. If you're curious about a country and you meet someone from there, before asking stupid questions, look it up!

Another similarly stupid question I get is - I met someone from there or I knew someone from there 3 years ago? Then they tell me the person's name. Like I'm supposed to recognize it. It's a small island, true, but it has a population of 1.3 million, not 25. Of course I don't know who they are. How many people do you know who know a million people? Such a stupid question which I usually answer with a question of my own - I met someone from (the small city I live in-population ~100,000), you've lived here all your life so I guess you must know them right?

I wish people wouldn't display their ignorance to me and keep such stupid questions to themselves. If I'm curious about someplace of which I know very little. I look it up, get a feel for the general geographic location. Then I ask questions, then at least you have a decent starting point.

party details

The party I went to last week was fun. I got there early (for me) and was one of the last to leave. I ate before I go there so the appetizers were enough to get through the night. The appetizers were very good and there was much to choose from. Had a couple beers then switched to water for the rest of the time. As usual, I was the only single person there. Some were married but most were there with their boyfriend/girlfriend. It was kind of funny to me because most of the people I knew from work sort of stuck together and the other people stuck with each other. Almost like 2 different cliques. Not much mingling in between.

I have very little in common with most of the women there. I don't get spending hundreds of dollars on shoes or bags. I mean, I don't have a problem with people who do but personally I just can't justify it. I can't relate. I think I'm just less of a girly-girl than they are. My eyes start to glaze over after 5min of talk about the latest gucci this or prada that. So I end hanging with the guys which is fine until they start talking about superchargers and evo's etc. I like fast sleek cars but don't really care about more than the way they look. Don't care about anything under the hood. Then my eyes start glazing over. So I mingle a bit more between the groups than most.

Another thing I noticed is all the girlfriends/wives were skinny - some normal skinny and others hungry skinny. Back home, there's skinny, then there's hungry skinny (or magga).

Speed Dating

Took today off, yet another great idea of mine recently what with all the wintry mix crap on the roads. End of year so I have to use my holidays or lose them.

Went to speed dating this week. My really good friend went with me (and I really appreciated it :) It was more fun than I thought it'd be. Seriously though, none of the men I met are people I can really see myself dating. At least not more than once. The stated age range was 32-44. I think maybe 3 out of the 16 guys I saw(for 6min each) were actually in this age range. Most seemed at least 45 or older. ICK!

There was one that I thought was attractive and had the right build I go for but as he's an avid skier, I think he's way too active for me. I find that people who are that active don't mesh as well with my more sedentary self. A few of them were really easy to talk to and the 6min flew by. Others talked about themselves the whole time and didn't ask me any questions about myself and I was glad for the 6min bell. A few were interesting to talk to and although I definitely don't want to date them, I wouldn't mind striking up a friendship. I think that they would mistake any interest on my part for romantic interest. I'd rather not have to explain that I'm not attracted to them at all. The first one I talked to was ok at first. By the time the bell rang, he'd given me his screen name 3times. The rules for speed dating say that you're not to give out such information until after someone indicates that they're interested. He just seemed way too keen. And his teeth were a little weird. Can't help it, I notice teeth.

So I entered my matches today on the site and only 2 of the guys I liked also indicated interest. Of course 8 others also indicated interest who I would not consider dating in a million years (all the over 44's). At least I gave it a go. Didn't have great expectations for it. The 'appetizers' sucked. Crackers, cheese, veggies. I didn't get any cheese, only 4 crackers. Even though I left at 5p it took me 30min to get home from work (traffic usu heavy from5-6pm) . I had to get to my friend for 610p so I only had time to change. No time to eat. Afterwards we went to dinner, we were both hungry. The whole speed dating thing took longer than we thought it would. We got there just before 7 and didn't leave till ~10p. I'd be willing to try it again but with a younger age group, maybe 25-35. That way if they're older they'll be closer to 35 than 50.

Sunday, December 11

ever wish you could go back...

Ever wish you could go back and change stuff that happened in your life. Kind of like rewriting history in a way. Or re-living it. Even the not-so-happy stuff.

Got to love Harry Potter. Re-watching it now (chamber of secrets). Everytime its on tv I watch it again. I like the familiarity of it. And of other movies I like. Been swithcing between Harry Potter and LOTR.

I really should have done major cleaning today. Day has gone by in a flash and I haven't done much at all. Went to choir/church as usu. Then Coat Factory then chatted with family. A couple naps later and it's 9pm already.

I bought a wonderful new coat today (finally got to Burlington Coat factory - been meaning to go for about a month). This winter I wanted to get a full length coat. A dressy one. I found a bone-colored one which is not quite full-length but is 3/4 length which is good enough. The sleeves are a smidgen too long but I'm just going to have it adjusted 1/2" or so. The black ones I saw just didn't look right on me. I did see a red one I liked but it looked funny from the back - a little too big in the shoulders and just didn't drape well in the back. So hard shopping for coats when you're short. Many in the petite section didn't work either-too long. The demi-petite ones worked better but none were quite the right size or color. I have stayed away from wool coats in general because usually they itch. But I was looking for one that's fully lined. I bought one a couple weeks ago from Old Navy. And its alright but makes me look a little chunky. I don't think the double-breasted look is for me. Plus the sleeves really itch even though they're lined. Granted, I may well be a little chunky now(no exercising and all that) but I can't deal with the itching. So it's going back this week. I'd planned to return if I found another I liked better anyway so back it goes.

Saturday, December 10

all sad and pathetic

I don't mean to sound all sad and pathetic. I was reading some of my previous entries and some have a "poor little old me" feel to them. I don't mean to come off that way. I do have several friends here. But most are what I call casual friends. People you can have a laugh with now and again but not people in whom you can confide really personal stuff.

A few I used to be closer to but when they became part of a couple, the dynamics changed. I feel like anything I tell them will be told to their significant other. I've had proof of this. I just don't need that. So I just try to say less.

There are people who are between these two categories. I find it easier to be friends with guys casually but I'm careful b/c I don't want their partners thinking I'm going after their man. I don't do that. Just very wrong on too many levels for me. So I try to keep them at a slight distance.

I miss a few of the friendships I had in college. I had a couple guy friends who I could always go to for a hug when I was feeeling sad or down. Kind of like a mutual appreciation society. Purely platonic but really good all the same. I miss that. College is a weird place though in that you're sort of in a vacuum and the outside world (beyond your dorm or school) barely exists. You interact more with people than you probably would normally. Especially when you go to a small school (~2500 undergrads). Even though you don't know everyone by name, you recognize most of the faces. A community.

Plus I miss Lit. I won't call, nothing silly like that. But I do kind of wish things were different. But I know all about wishes/horses/beggars/etc. I wonder if he misses me too. Just a little even. Thinking like that won't get me anywhere though. Big sigh!

I should probably start getting ready. No idea what I'm wearing yet.

end of ramblings blog

In case anyone is looking (all 2 of you :) I deleted my other ramblings blog. May start one up again later. With Alias ending, just no heart for it anymore. Might just post stuff here.

Best laid plans

Got all dressed for the gym. Went out to the car. Put the key Oh no. Try again, no nomal engine-turning-over sound. Just click-click-click-click. Great. So I call AAA and they said they'd send someone over in ~an hour. So I took a walk around my complex instead. By the time I got back to my car, the truck was just pulling in. So he jump-starts it and it starts running and he says I should have it checked. So I go a Mobil station he recommends (leave the engine running), run inside, their mechanic is out to lunch and they're not taking anymore appts today. So I drive to 2 more Mobil stations, same story. GO to Pep Boys. Wait 2hrs. They can't find anything wrong. I got a new battery last Dec. Battery seemed fine. Alternator also fine. So he said that maybe something is wrong with the alternator and it is just not showing up now. That he could keep my car for a few days and test it more if I wanted. Or I could leave and just come back if it happened again. Said maybe, I'd left a light on or maybe the door light had malfunctioned. Then he went into more detail (than I really care about) of possible stuff that could be wrong with the alternator. Good news is that it didn't cost me anything and I went there prepared with a book and discman.

Hopefully whatever it is won't happen again. Really wanted to go to Burlington Coat factory but didn't want to drive that far with my car in an iffy state.

Still thinking of going to the party tonight. One of the guys'll have cables and give me a jump start if necessary. Came home after that so hopefully when I go back out there, she'll start up no worries. Trying not to stress too much about it. It is what it is. Stressing won't change it.


Have a party to go to later tonight. Should be fun. Quite a few people I know will be there and many that I've met before but don't know very well. I never know what to carry to parties. I usu end taking a bottle of wine or dessert or nothing. It's a Christmas party and being given by a friend of mine from work (the one I had a completely inappropriate dream about - totally inappropriate b/c 1) he's been with his girlfriend for 3-4yrs...2) I've met her and like her...3)we're buddies and I'm not a girl to him).

Anyhoo, he's pretty cool and funny. His parties are usu fun. More people accecpted than he expected so it'd good for me to get there on time instead of my usu fashionably late. That way I can get decent parking. It's going to be mainly hors d'oeuvres, drinks and desserts. He said not to bring anything. Usually I wonder what this really means. This "you don't have to bring anything". Well he clarified it for us. Sent a really funny email in Q&A format asking questions such as that. The bottom line was to bring a sober driver, small appetite and heavy drinking shoes. So that's that.

Going to the gym now (imagine...on a sat)

A new mantras

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. By everything. I am trying to change my natural thought patterns. My natural instinct is that the worst case scenario is the one that’s most likely - therefore I need to think about that so that I can be prepared. I know this is somewhat irrational. The worst-case scenario is not the most likely scenario. I sometimes feel like I won’t be able to handle things. I worry. I sometimes think that if I can’t do it right or perfectly, then I might as well just not bother.

Nothing will happen if I’m not perfect. I don’t have to be perfect. My best is good enough. When I make mistakes, it’s ok. The world won’t end because I’m not perfect. NO one is. Everyone makes mistakes. I know this to be true. I don’t have to be perfect. I may not have many friends now that I can talk to. This is unfortunate but not the end of the world. I wish a few more of my really good friends lived closer to me. They don’t. I only have one here. I wish that I could make more friends like them. People who have similar interests, who’ll find the things I want to do fun as well. I don’t trust easily. I also don’t forgive easily either. My trust, once broken, is difficult to mend. I find it difficult to let go. It’s always in the back of my mind and I’m just waiting for the next time they’ll be mean or thoughtless and hurt my feeling again. I feel bad about that. I think it’s very un-Christian of me to find forgiveness of others as difficult as I do. This is ok though. My feelings are ok. It doesn’t make a bad person to feel this way. I know that. Most of the time I do.

I will learn from any mistakes that I make. It’s ok if my Mom doesn’t understand. It’s ok if I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not crazy. I know I have a real problem. But I’m dealing with it. I’m not going to give up. Nothing is lost yet. It’s not hopeless. I will break the cycle I have of negative thoughts. I have been practicing in my head. Turning the “should have” “must” “have to” “need to” “what if” into “can do whatever I want” “don’t have to do that” “can do that if I want” “would be nice if I did that but not the end of the world if I didn’t”.

I can do this. I can be more relaxed. I can change my automatic negative thoughts to more positive ones. I can worry less. I have choices. There is nothing I have to do. I can do whatever I want. I can always say no if I don’t want to do something. I don’t have to justify myself or my decisions to anyone. I have the right to say no without explaining why.

Friday, December 9


Mallomars...just love them. Apparently they are a seasonal food. Who knew? I'd been looking for them and looking for them and saw them again recently and immediately had to buy them. Now it all makes sense.

Back home you can get them all the time. I was thinking about this. Since I'm from the Caribbean and the temp is about the same year-round, maybe that's why. Makes sense no?

If you haven't seen the Colbert Report (Colbear Rapor), you are missing out. He's hilarious.


Went to the gym mon and wed. Yay me! Going for a walk later.

Weather guy predicted that we'd have 4-10 inches of snow. Boy, did I pick a great day to stay home. So I don't have to drive outside in this stuff. This stuff is beautiful from my window especially since I don't have to go out or shovel around my car, etc, etc. It's 11:30am and they only just shoveled my walkway. Its only just stopped snowing.

Outside my bedroom window...

Wednesday, December 7


Why do they keep asking why the US marshalls would shoot to run screaming from a plane that you have a bomb. In this day and age of post-911 fear/terrorism everywhere. Naturally, the man had to be off his meds. No normal thinking person would do that. What I don't get is why the newspeople on tv keep asking...why? All bets are off if you claim to have a bomb...on a plane...and run when asked to stop with guns pointed at you.

Saturday, December 3

Open letter to those in the know

My sidebar mysteriously diappeared or so I thought until I scrolled down to the bottom fo the page. How it happened, I have no clue. Anyone know how to fix it? If you do, please, please...enlighten me. Thanks in advance.

An anti-anxiety mantra?

Very useful link. For me anyway.

Friday, December 2

Egads! Should be e-GADs? Thrown for a loop

So I went to my doc today. Desribed everything - spasms, etc. Told her about the speculation of the allergist, asmanex, etc. All the while she's nodding and shaking her head.

Trying a different tack here. Still coming to grips with this.

Doctor visit continued...
Dr. L: You want to know if I'm concerned or if you should be?

Me: Well, aren't you?

Dr. L: No, I'm not concerned about that. What I am concerned about, and have been meaning to talk to you about for some time now, is your anxiety.

Me: My anxiety? (in disbelief, what you talkin 'bout Willis?). So, I shouldn't be worried about this stuff?

Dr. L: No, but I've wanted to talk to you about your anxiety for some time. I think you would benefit from medication, that it would help...

Me: think I'm nuts? (half-jokingly).

Dr. L: No, I don't think you're nuts (can't help smiling at me). I think you worry about things more than you need to. You seem to have anxiety about many things and I'm concerned that you're so concerned about things.

Me: (trying to wrap my mind around this whole conversation) I have been anxious. About many things. So you think that's why the spasms are happening?

Dr. L: Probably, if you don't want to start medication right away, you could start instead with an exercise program...

Me:...I have serious anxiety about gym...going there...not sure what about it exactly...know its kind of irrational.

Dr. L: What about your gym, do you have a personal trainer available there? One you trust.

Me: I've not been in a while, did go last night but was only on the treadmill for like 8min and I was in pain. Had to stop.

Dr. L: Maybe you can go slower. You need to start exercising regularly, it will help. The pain is probably b/c of your not working out for some time. You need to go every other day to start, then about 5 days a week. You should talk to them, ask for a trainer that's really good with people, find one you like. What about the one you had?

Me: I can't go to him. He and I...ummm...

Dr. L: You didn'

Me: Exactly.

Dr. L: Well talk to them and explain that you need to start off slowly and that you need a regular routine, one that starts off slowly, then gradually increases.

Me: So...(still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my doc thinks I need medication)...if I did take something for the anxiety, what medication would it be? Would it make me drowsy?

Dr. L: No, I'd want you to try Buspar, its specifically for anxiety. Not an antidepressant, so none of the side effects from that, not a muscle relaxant. Just for anxiety.

Me: about I try this exercising regular thing for a while and then maybe think about the...Boosparr?

Dr. L: Buspar (with a smile), how about I see you for a follow-up in 6-8 weeks, then we see.

Me: But its ok right?

Dr. L: Yes, you're ok. Sometimes people just need a little help, it's ok.

Me: So I'm not nuts, just need to get a better handle on this a-n-x-i-e-t-y?

Dr. L: Yes (can't help smiling again), I think you will probably still need medication. But we can wait and see. (Then she leans closer and now I fear the really bad news is coming but as usu worried for no reason :) This is the time you need to concentrate on you - before you get a husband, a couple kids, etc. then you won't have anytime for yourself (at this, she gives me this look-both funny and scary at what I have to look forward to). So you need to start now, take care of yourself, get into a good routine now. These are the best years of your life.

Me: So...I'm O.K.

Dr. L: Yes. (smiles and nods)

Me: I'm going to be fine, I don't need to be worried.

Dr. Yes. (smiles again)

Me: At least I'm still funny.

Dr. L: Yes, you're always funny and always pleasant, it's always good to see you.

I walked out to my car and tried hard not to let the lump in my throat develop into full-blown hysteria. Drove back to work. Immediately started reading about anxiety disorders, b/c that's what I do, I worry and then I have to know more. GAD in particular, way more familiar to me personally than I'm comfortable with. Especially at work. With other people around. Also had a decoy news page open to switch to when people walked by.

A lot of what it says fits what I've been feeling lately and probably in smaller degrees for a long time. I don't know if I can talk to those Bally people though. So, I've decided to give myself a week to start with, to go on my own, set up my own program. I even made up some excel worksheets based on the machines/date/reps, etc. If I stick to it, then I don't have to talk to them and I get to have a mallomars or 2 ;) (currently waiting unopened in my fridge) which will my first chocloate anything in a long time. If I don't, then I have to talk to them and no mallomars :(

I try to keep some details to myself but often, more stuff spills out than I'd like. Then I think OMG. I don't want people looking at me funny. Or asking me about this. Maybe if I don't think about it too much (totally against my nature), then it won't be on the tip of my tongue. I wasn't sure if was going to put it here. Out in cyberspace. For people who know me and know my blog to read. But then I figured that if I got it all out here, it'd help. It has some. I'll probably regret this. But I can always delete it. Or not publish it.