So I went to my doc today. Desribed everything - spasms, etc. Told her about the speculation of the allergist, asmanex, etc. All the while she's nodding and shaking her head.
Trying a different tack here. Still coming to grips with this.
Doctor visit continued...
Dr. L: You want to know if I'm concerned or if you should be?
Me: Well, aren't you?
Dr. L: No, I'm not concerned about that. What I am concerned about, and have been meaning to talk to you about for some time now, is your anxiety.
Me: My anxiety? (in disbelief, what you talkin 'bout Willis?). So, I shouldn't be worried about this stuff?
Dr. L: No, but I've wanted to talk to you about your anxiety for some time. I think you would benefit from medication, that it would help...
Me: So...you think I'm nuts? (half-jokingly).
Dr. L: No, I don't think you're nuts (can't help smiling at me). I think you worry about things more than you need to. You seem to have anxiety about many things and I'm concerned that you're so concerned about things.
Me: (trying to wrap my mind around this whole conversation) I have been anxious. About many things. So you think that's why the spasms are happening?
Dr. L: Probably, if you don't want to start medication right away, you could start instead with an exercise program...
Me:...I have serious anxiety about that...my gym...going there...not sure what about it exactly...know its kind of irrational.
Dr. L: What about your gym, do you have a personal trainer available there? One you trust.
Me: I've not been in a while, did go last night but was only on the treadmill for like 8min and I was in pain. Had to stop.
Dr. L: Maybe you can go slower. You need to start exercising regularly, it will help. The pain is probably b/c of your not working out for some time. You need to go every other day to start, then about 5 days a week. You should talk to them, ask for a trainer that's really good with people, find one you like. What about the one you had?
Me: I can't go to him. He and I...ummm...
Dr. L: You didn't...click?
Me: Exactly.
Dr. L: Well talk to them and explain that you need to start off slowly and that you need a regular routine, one that starts off slowly, then gradually increases.
Me: So...(still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my doc thinks I need medication)...if I did take something for the anxiety, what medication would it be? Would it make me drowsy?
Dr. L: No, I'd want you to try Buspar, its specifically for anxiety. Not an antidepressant, so none of the side effects from that, not a muscle relaxant. Just for anxiety.
Me: So...how about I try this exercising regular thing for a while and then maybe think about the...Boosparr?
Dr. L: Buspar (with a smile), how about I see you for a follow-up in 6-8 weeks, then we see.
Me: But its ok right?
Dr. L: Yes, you're ok. Sometimes people just need a little help, it's ok.
Me: So I'm not nuts, just need to get a better handle on this a-n-x-i-e-t-y?
Dr. L: Yes (can't help smiling again), I think you will probably still need medication. But we can wait and see. (Then she leans closer and now I fear the really bad news is coming but as usu worried for no reason :) This is the time you need to concentrate on you - before you get a husband, a couple kids, etc. then you won't have anytime for yourself (at this, she gives me this look-both funny and scary at what I have to look forward to). So you need to start now, take care of yourself, get into a good routine now. These are the best years of your life.
Me: So...I'm O.K.
Dr. L: Yes. (smiles and nods)
Me: I'm going to be fine, I don't need to be worried.
Dr. Yes. (smiles again)
Me: At least I'm still funny.
Dr. L: Yes, you're always funny and always pleasant, it's always good to see you.
I walked out to my car and tried hard not to let the lump in my throat develop into full-blown hysteria. Drove back to work. Immediately started reading about anxiety disorders, b/c that's what I do, I worry and then I have to know more. GAD in particular, way more familiar to me personally than I'm comfortable with. Especially at work. With other people around. Also had a decoy news page open to switch to when people walked by.
A lot of what it says fits what I've been feeling lately and probably in smaller degrees for a long time. I don't know if I can talk to those Bally people though. So, I've decided to give myself a week to start with, to go on my own, set up my own program. I even made up some excel worksheets based on the machines/date/reps, etc. If I stick to it, then I don't have to talk to them and I get to have a mallomars or 2 ;) (currently waiting unopened in my fridge) which will my first chocloate anything in a long time. If I don't, then I have to talk to them and no mallomars :(
I try to keep some details to myself but often, more stuff spills out than I'd like. Then I think OMG. I don't want people looking at me funny. Or asking me about this. Maybe if I don't think about it too much (totally against my nature), then it won't be on the tip of my tongue. I wasn't sure if was going to put it here. Out in cyberspace. For people who know me and know my blog to read. But then I figured that if I got it all out here, it'd help. It has some. I'll probably regret this. But I can always delete it. Or not publish it.
3 comments:
I'm glad you wrote that, put it out here. I think that was brave.
My view is that it wouldn't hurt to take the Buspar, just to see what happens. Worst case, it does nothing for you. Best case, it makes a positive difference in your life.
This from a girl who's been on Prozac (and prozac-related drugs) since 2001. :)
I'm also glad you wrote that... and posted it. Anxiety-related issues are more common than you may think. And there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Good luck figuring this out... and coming to terms with it. Just remember lots of people are on your side, including your internet audience :)
Jennifer - my doc thinks I will need it sooner or later so I probably will try it. I just need time to accept it first.v Thanks.
Ann - Thanks, I'm going to need that luck :)
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