c'est la vie

I had plans for Sat. I was going to breakfast most likely with T around 10ish then apple-picking with E and crew at 1pm. Then maybe dinner at E's as well.

I'd been nagging AK aka my crush/my former crush/the enemy since before my week off to my sis' wedding, to do something for his birthday which was this past weekend. He vetoed all my suggestions but couldn't come up with any of his own either. So Thurs I see him and say, well you have my number if you think of something, call me. So he comes over to my lab late Fri evening and asks if I want to go to a BBQ with him Sat. It was being given by his boss for all the guys in his lab as well as a few other managers. He said they told him he could bring a date(and I quote) and he asked if I wanted to go with him as his date.

So I kinda balked (in my mind - thinking that I wanted to date him but didn't want it public knowledge until we at least had a few regular dates...I didn't want to appear to be dating him before we actually went out on a real date). Anyhoo, I asked what time and he didn't say exactly, just that we could prob go after I came back from picking apples. So I told him my plans for Sat - and said he could call me and we'd see. So he called me around noon and said he wanted to go at 1pm. So I told him I'd prob be back by 3pm and asked if that was ok. He said that was fine. He didn't say no to my suggestion. He didn't ask if I could go with him at 1pm instead. I would have totally bailed on picking apples and gone earlier if he'd asked. He acted like it was fine - I thought we had a plan. I was so excited then. I feel really foolish now.

So I went to pick apple/drink some cider with my friends and we got back just after 3, and I drove over to his apt - he lives less than 5min from E. I get there and he comes out and we start driving over. Then he tells me that he actually went to the party at 1pm after all and just came back for me. So now I'm a bit confused. B/c he didn't tell he was still planning to go earlier. So now I'm feeling a little weirded out. We get there 15min later. I knew almost eveyone there from work -except for their wives. We said hello to the host and went in to get some food on his invitation. We get back outside and there aren't many seats free. There are 2 seats next to each other and one more separated by a lot of space and a table. He sat in the chair furthest away. So I took the seat closest to him (which was not very close at all) and kinda dragged my chair a little closer. The sun was shining directly in our eyes if we looked straight ahead. I tried to make conversation with him but it was difficult with our seats and the sun. eventually one of the wives came and sat in the empty seat next to me and we chatted for a while. After a while we went in to get some dessert. We came back out and more chairs were free so I took one by the table. There were 3 chairs free, 2 on one side of me and 1 on the other. Guess where AK decides to sit when he comes back outside - not in any of the free seats near me but instead he sat in a chair almost at the edge for the deck. Almost like he wanted to make sure people didn't mistake us for a couple. He kept up this bizarre sitting as far as possible from me thing for half our time there. We're friends, or at least I thought we were. If he didn't want them to think of us as a couple, he shouldn't have asked me to go with him in the first place. Friends go as each other's date to things like this, don't they? I don't know, maybe he was miffed b/c I didn't go with him from 1pm. I just don't know. Eventually the host asked him to start a campfire and handed him some kindling. Does he ask me to join him or follow or anything? No. He just got up and proceeded to walk over to the campfire area, so I followed and said I like to see too. After that he was a little more friendly towards me. Not in any way that might be construed as being boy-friendly but at least he'd stopped acting like I had cooties or something.

I was very hurt by this. I just don't understand. On the drive back I wanted to ask him if he managed to get as far enough away from me as he wanted. But I didn't know how to ask without doing something embarrassing like crying or shouting irrationally at him. So I didn't say anything then. And I'm not going to...ever.

I saw him as I was leaving work today, we were both leaving at the same time. Usually I would walk over to him and we'd chat for a while. Not today. I said hi and kept walking towards the door as we were casually chatting about the day's work (we usu park in different parking lots so we go out different doors). After a couple minutes, I said bye and left. Go me! He seemed friendly and somewhat flirty like he normally is. Whatever. I'm done. I don't understand but that's fine. I don't have to understand. He was kind of a jerk to me on Sat. It was a good thing that I actually knew most of the people there from work else I'd have been not only sitting by myself but would also have been stuck trying to make small talk with strangers.

I just expected more and got much less than I'd bargained for. C'est la vie! or at least C'est ma vie!

In Macy Gray's song, Everybody, she says "you're either enemy or you are the friend". I really like that line :-) AK is now the enemy. or maybe I am?