life goes on...

It's been an age since I've been on here. I almost forgot how :)

Life is good. Mostly. My crush Q, yeah, I have come to the conclusion that he will never ask me out. Whenever I try to make plans, he always seems to need to make up his mind at the last minute like he's waiting for a better offer. So I've backed off a bit. I don't go visit him anymore. He's noticed and has mentioned it in a roundabout way but whatever. He has actually started coming to visit me now. Which might mean nothing. I'm fairly certain that he has placed me in the "friend" category and even if he is attracted to me, he seems to have no immediate plans to change anything.

My 4th was excruciating. the only really good part was the fireworks. However I had a 4hr wait to see them. I ended going with 2 guy friends who I've actually never hung out with on my own. Normally it is a group of 4 or 5 of us. For one thing, they found a bench to sit on and refused to go walking around. That is how I usually pass the time and it never seemed as long as it did this time. I wanted to get something to eat and they were like "oh we're fine, we'll wait here". Plus one of them, let's call him Bim, who I haven't hung with very often kept making off-color jokes. the kind of jokes I'm sure guys make with each other when no women are around. I plainly told him at least three times when he veered off into inappropriate conversation that this was not a story for mixed company i.e. when girls are around. yet, he kept going. The other guy, Bam, has a new fancy-ass camera and was going on and on about how fantastic it was, how many pictures it could take in a minute, blah, blah, blahty, blah. By the end of the evening, I wanted to stomp on his effing camera. I don't understand how anyone can be so self-centered, so self-absorbed that they don't realize that saying "my camrah is so awesome, 300 pics in 30min" 20+ effing times is not cool. Not entertaining. Makes you sound like an ass. What made all of this worse was that I had to endure it. I didn't drive, Bim did.
I have resolved to bail on on any future event that involves me having to spend time with the two of them alone ever again. Even if it means I have to pretend to be sick. That's how dire my situation was.

The crap thing about all this is that I would never have met either of them if it wasn't for my friend, Gillian, at work. Gillian works on a different site with Bim and Bam and invited them out with us a few times. Now it feels like I'm stuck knowing these people who I now believe that the universe never meant for me to meet. She actually never hangs out with them anymore. But they still call me and I feel a bit guilty about the way I feel. I feel like it would suit me fine if they never talked to me again and I never had to hang out with them again. I don't like to be mean. I try not to be intentionally/unintentionally unkind. So now I'm stuck.
Bam is sometimes almost normal but Bim seems to lack even the most basic social skills(prior to this I just thought he was quiet).

Q totally bailed on me as well. First he said he'd be out of town. Then he said he would be out of town the day before but would be back in time to hang out. Asked me to call him to let him know my plans. I told him my freaking plans Thurs when I saw him last. But fine, so I called him around 3pm just after talking to Bam on the phone because I figured he said he'd be back in time so he'd have made plans to be back before 5pm since I told him that's when I planned to leave for downtown.
Nope. I got his voice mail and left a message. Almost at the same time he was sending me a text saying he was still out of town (only 2hrs away) and if I had made plans. This made me a little bit angry. But I just texted him the same thing I had previously told him - Bam was coming by my place around 5 and we were going to take one car and go downtown. He immediately called me which is a first b/c he usu just texts. I had already told him what I was doing. I had even mentioned that I would go by myself if no one else was available - how much firmer plans could I have made than that? If he really wanted to hang out with me, he would gotten his ass back here in time. Instead he says "give me a call later, I should be back and let me know if you guys are getting dinner/drinks". So I say fine. I text him at 7pm b/c I was really having a hard time being alone with Bim and Bam. He texts me to say " oh I am kind of tired, had a few drinks, staying here tonight". WTF? I was kind of upset at first then more angry than hurt. I just have to move on from this.

I was talking to R at work and she said, guys are like that sometimes. Said her husband sometimes has no recollection of stuff she talked to him about doing. Then when it's time to get ready, he's like "where are we going?"
Personally I think that is bullshit. Plus I don't think it really applies to my situation. If something/someone is important to you, you would remember and make yourself available to be with them. We hardly have much time to talk at work.
I thought maybe he was coming around because after I started ignoring/not visiting him in his lab or cubicle. He says, we haven't had dinner in a while, we should get dinner sometime this week. And we did. And it was great, felt like progress.
Normally I'd invite him to watch baseball games with me when our (opposing) teams were playing but I had stopped doing that as well. But "watching the game" was a pretext. I know it, he knows it, because he and I spent most of the time talking and eating and barely any watching the many TVs around us. But I am always the one issuing the invite.

But I think I was wrong and that he is content for this to be it. I am not. I want to tell him how I feel so badly. I'm not yet ready to deal with the possible/inevitable consequences of doing such a thing.

Instead I made a profile on yahoo personals again. I've resolved not to message any guys at all unless they send me a message first/ice breaker which is not contradictory to their profile.
A guy recently sent me a message saying he was a widower with a daughter. He also put his email in the message (I haven't paid so that would be the only real way to contact him). Except that when I read his profile, it says he's a widower yes, but that he has a son. "son" and "daughter" are two completely different words. this leaves me wondering if a)he has several kids or b) no kids or c) is not widowed. Additionally his profile says he doesn't smoke but his "ideal" woman smokes occasionally. Why would a non-smoking man choose that option. You have the option of choosing multiple answers so if it said "non-smoker or smokes occasionally or any" it would seem way more legit to me. As it is, there are too many inconsistencies. I did email him and asked if he could clarify those things for me. I don't expect him to respond.

Work is actually better. Even though my boss' boss is the worst manager I've yet to work under, my boss and I are getting along pretty good.