on holiday

My flight was good, the lady next to me only chatted occasionally and slept for most of the flight. She did snore a bit though but I was able to drown most of it out with my iPod :) Got my luggage and train no problem and my brother-in-law came to pick me up and drop me off at the house - he then had to go back to work. So I had a shower and brushed my teeth and felt almost human again. My sis called to check that I got in alright. I took a 3hr nap then stayed awake till about midnight(english time). I went to bed then and woke up today at 9am.
After a full night's sleep, I feel just about ready to begin my holiday.

I woke up this morning in a bad position, it felt like my right arm was broken (at least how I imagine that would feel since I haven't broken any bones). Once I got out of bed and stretched out a bit, it felt somewhat better. I've had a leisurely breakfast and have been surfing the net for the last hr or so. I installed firefox on my sister's laptop - will delete it later if she doesn't like it. IE keeps shutting down. I was trying to email TW(the guy I'm dating-I keep typing this I know but only b/c I've not had more than a 2nd date or wanted more than a 2nd date with a guy in forever so this is pretty exciting for me :) and it kept shutting down before I could send it. After 3 attempts, I just gave up and wrote him 2 lines of text and hit 'send'. Tried again later on after I'd had a few hrs sleep, but couldn't remember half what I'd wanted to tell him. Oh well.

The Golden Compass

I saw the Golden Compass this past week. I really enjoyed it. I think it's worth seeing. I haven't read the book but plan to over the holiday break. I was out last night at a local bar with my friend Z and we were chatting with these 2 guys. They were very cool and we even exchanged numbers and plan to hang out again. One of the guys and I totally clicked but in a completely platonic way. He has a potential girl and I have a potential guy. I think he and I can be friends though. I have so missed have close guys friends I can hang out with. I've lost touch with most of the ones from college so I'd really like it if this works out.
While we were there, I was telling one of them that I'd really like to get an armoured bear like Iorek from the movie :) He was very cool(the bear). A guy at another table leaned over and jumped in and said to me "a lot of atheists say that they left God completely out of that movie". I have so many issues with that statement. For one, if what he says is true, for at least some atheists, then why do they care? IF they really don't believe in God what does it matter. Another thing that kills me - when the first Narnia movie came out, people said, there were too many Christian connotations(that it was very propaganda-like) and that's why they didn't like it. Now with The Golden Compass(TGC) movie, they are complaining because they think it's lacking God. WTF? I did not have a problem with either movie. If I had to choose a fav between the 2 movies it'd be tough. For visual effects alone, I would choose TGC over Narnia b/c none of the scenes made me think of CGI special effects. It all looked real. The polar bears in particular as well as the other animals looked so real and I know logically that they couldn't have been real and speaking :) but in all the scenes - you believe it. In Narnia, there were several scenes which I could tell were done by models/computer graphics/etc. yet that didn't diminish my enjoyment of it. Also with Narnia, I knew the basic story from having seen a cartoon version of the story as a child, so I had a fondness for the story ahead of time. All I knew about TGC was what I got from the previews I saw. Also b/c I haven't read the book yet, it didn't seem to be missing stuff and it set up the next sequel at the end.
That's my 2 cents.

Busy Little Bee

I had a semi-hectic day today even though I had the day off from work, I had many errands to run. I wanted to get my shopping done. I know I left it till the last minute but it's finally done. I just have to mail stuff tomorrow and I'll be pretty much done. I leave for my sister and London in 4 days. Going for 2 wk vacay. I can't wait.

I had books to return to the library, more to pick up for my trip. I plan to spend my vacation doing 3 three things, namely, eating, reading and sleeping.

I had to go to the ATM, then quick stop at the grocery. From there I stopped at Circuit City then Walmart (both in same lot) then went to the mall and hit several clothing stores looking for something for my sis. I looked in 5 stores and finally found something I think she'll like in Macys. From there, had to get gas then finally back home. I did all this between 10:30-1:30pm. I was supposed to meet TW(the guy I've been dating for almost a month) for lunch. I got back just in time. We hung for a while, lunch was good. Then finally I could relax.

I dug up this video on YouTube of a soca parang as we call it - mr santa claus, the song is really funny. They played this a lot last year when I was in Trinidad for Christmas.

Another very catchy song by the same guy, Remy, that I like - roti and kuchela
Words from the song:
Bus-up-shut(Paratha) is an Indian flat bread that's broken up(like busted up or bus-up - get it :)
Roti(Dhalpuri) is another type of Indian flat bread that has ground split peas inside
Kuchela - usually a mango chutney (other local fruits can be used as well) often homemade but can also be bought in any grocery

sick still

Still sick. Had to cancel my date yesterday, I was kinda disappointed to say the least but I really felt like crap and I was coughing a lot as well as blowing my nose :( My date TW was very understanding and he even offered to bring me soup or cold medicine or anything I needed. I thanked him for the offer but said I was ok.
My sis said I should have pretended otherwise and let him come over and bring me juice or something - even if it meant I had to hide the juice I had :) Yeah, I don't think so. For one, I hate having people see me when I'm sick. For another, that's just not me, if I really needed something, I'd ask, but I can't pretend otherwise. Maybe I'm too independent but that's just me.

My cough is really bad and I've had to take my inhaler several times. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow - some of the stuff I'm coughing up is green - not a good sign.

sick...and tired of being so

I am so sick. I left work at 4:30 Fri. This may not sound early to most but I usu leave at 5:30 most Fri. I'd had enough. I made a mistake with a couple compounds I wanted to ship so they won't be going out and I now have to do more stuff with them before they can be shipped. It turns out they are not what I thought i had made, something weird happened and they are missing a group. Coincidentally, the group that's replaced the one I was trying to make has some of the same characteristics as what I was trying to make. So that's partly why I didn't realize it. Such a Bummer! Nothing I can do. I was trying to get these other 2 reactions cleaned up and submitted for analytical to screen them but I was just so tired and hoarse and feeling generally crabby after I found out about the compounds that won't ship - I had to get out of there. Kinda felt like it was all for nothing. I should have stayed home Thurs. I'd have gotten as much done if I had. Thurs was a totally crappy day and lots of random shit happened that prevented to from making any real progress with my reactions.

My Cold's Progression:
Tues: woke up with horrible sore throat that not even gargling with salt water helped, also had general body aches and low grade fever. Took some zicam and drank lots of fluids, felt ok apart from sore throat.
Wed: woke up sneezing, sore throat changed and now only hurt when I tried to swallow. Also started coughing occasionally, no fever.
Thurs: Woke up, felt ok. Got out of bed and had a minor headache, slight runny nose, no fever. Felt worse as the day wore on. Took zicam, cetacol and drank so much water I had to use the bathroom every hour.
Fri: woke up with headache, no fever, coughing sporadically, can't blow my nose too much b/c it's bleeding whenever I blow more than once. Can't take my allergy nasal spray --> my stomach is also upset (b/c of nasal drip falling into my stomach) in addition to the chills, general malaise.
Sat: horrible coughing fit, general feeling of unwellness. Runny nose which I can only blow gently occasionally b/c bleeding. Lots of phlegm. Gross. Took some tussin to try to get some this grossness out of my body.

My kitchen looks like a bomb hit it. I'm so not in the mood to have my hands in water right now so it's probably going to stay that way for a while.

I have a date later today - we're supposed to go to a museum, then get something to eat and maybe play pool or bowling. At least that was the plan. I will probably have to cancel even if I feel better later. The worse parts of my day(when I feel like death) are early morning and late evening. Plus I really don't want to give him this sickness.

relax and enjoy

It's 24F but wind chill is only 4F. Small wonder that I was freakin' freezing when I walked the 2 min out to put my netflix DVD in the mailbox.
I went out to the bar last night with my friend Z and it was a lot of fun. It started snowing big fluffy snow flakes and we went out in it and stuck out our tongues. This was fun for less than a minute, then it was just too cold for that kinda nonsense :)

I met a guy online and we met for coffee a couple times. He seemed like a really sweet, normal guy. So we've been out a few more times. He's funny and smart has a great way with words. He's 29 (good age) and not married (also key). I like him. I was a little ambivalent at first b/c he's 6'5" and I'm almost 5ft. He wasn't kidding at all on his profile when he listed that as his height. He's also much leaner than any other guy I've dated before. I was a little worried about being a much shallower person than even I had realized before because both these superficial things really bothered me at first. My friends told me, "you're just looking for excuses, give the guy a chance...how would you like it if he said, she's funny, cute and really nice but just too short".
After all, I was really attracted to him from his emails. In person, when we're sitting, the height thing doesn't occur to me at all. He has really pretty blue eyes which says something that I even noticed at all. It usu takes me forever to figure out what color a guy's eyes are, I guess I don't often pay enough attention. But I noticed his so I think that's a good sign.

So I'm glad I didn't freak out in front of him about it. My Mum says I should just wear heels all the time now. :)

I'm taking things slowly, who knows if it'll become serious or not. For now, I'm having fun with him every time we go out together. So I'm just going to relax and enjoy it.

it's 2am and...

...I'm still up. Went to a late movie and haven't been really sleepy. No work tomorrow so I'm not really bothered. Did plan to go to the 9am service though. Guess that'll depend now on whether I'm able to get up tomorrow/today. I've set my alarm for it since I can then sleep for the rest of the day. Going to C&T's for dinner and am looking forward to that.
Thanksgiving is not such a big deal to me. Christmas is the time of year when I feel off if I'm not with my family so that's the holiday I plan for. Thanksgiving is good though b/c we always get both Thur and Fri off. I'm all about time off :)

We saw "Dan In Real Life" tonight. Didn't have very high expectations for it but I thought it'd be cute, maybe even funny. It was better than we expected. I kinda lost it during a certain scene where "Dan" takes center stage - he looks like he's having a seizure but he's not. When/if you see it, you"ll understand what I mean. I couldn't contain myself and laughed out loud for the whole scene and it was all I could do to keep myself to intermittent giggles once the scene was over. By then my eyes were wet and my sides hurt a little :)
I think the last time, I laughed this much was partly through "Little Miss Sunshine" and during most of "Stranger Than Fiction". Boy, did I enjoy both of those movies. So if you're in 2 minds about seeing "Dan" I say, definitely see it. Not that my opinion means anything as far critically acclaimed films go but I know what I like and I see what I like.
I tend to be more in the mood for a drama/comedy movie than for a dark/mostly violent movie no matter how well acted/directed it is. I like to re-think the parts that made me laugh and sometimes I manage to chuckle at the memory of it as well. With a darker film, I try not to think about the disturbing images even though I do enjoy such movies from time to time.
I should try to get some sleep now.

Seven Songs

Anna tagged me for this :)

1. Half Acre...Hem - I found this song b/c I was looking for the song to the liberty mutual ad(can be found on YouTube) and found this in my search.

2. Teardrop...Massive Attack - I'm really into House these days and it's the theme song for it, it was just in my head so I went out and got their CD Mezzanine.

3. Slowly...Macy Gray - I really love the lyrics to this song, "slow-ow-ly, why can't we just take our time" in Macy G's lovely raspy voice.

4. Lips Of An Angel...Hinder - I don't quite agree with the lyrics b/c it's basically a song about cheating but I love the arrangement, and his voice, and the guitars are perfect, not too much or too little.

5. Like A California King...Everclear - I discovered this when I was listening to this everclear album I've had for a few years now but never noticed this song, it even has a bonus bit at the end. With lyrics like "I will burn you just like teenage love, I will eat you just like meat" I can't resist, not exactly a happy song.

6. It's Beginning To Get To Me...Snow Patrol - I've been listening to this song every morning on the way to work, it wakes me up. Love the lyrics, "you are the only thing that makes sense, just ignore all this present tense".

7. Bright Lights...Matchbox Twenty - one of their best songs.

It was tough to only choose seven :)

I suppose I have to tag...Eddie, SFC and ESC

open letter to...

Those germ-infected people at my job...the ones who cough, sneeze, hawk (we use this word in Trini dialect but I've never heard an American use it in this context) and spit(in the lab sink), who constantly blow your nose and never wash your hands after all these activities or put your hand to your mouth.

You have tried to infect me for the last 2 weeks...it seems like everywhere I turned there was another one of you infected people...coughing or hawking in my direction. I don't know if you all have consumption or some awful virus or chest infection. I do wish that you would cover your mouths, wash your hands more frequently and see a damn doctor to get some antibiotics or something before you succeed in infecting me with whatever-the-hell-it-is you have. Once the infection has left you, you'll be ok, I, on the other hand will probably end up with pneumonia once that crap gets settled into my asthmatic lungs.

Sincerely,
Petra(I live in fear)

Well, not really but I could really do without the inconvenience of having to adjust my asthma meds again, I'm finally down to the minimum dosages again.

un-posted

I wrote a fairly lengthy post and saved it as a draft. It was not very flattering to me or the guy I was talking about. It felt good to get it off my chest if only on the screen. I think it's for the best that I left it un-posted.

Finally made it to the gym Wed night after a 2-month-long vacay...from the gym :)
I did free weights for 30min then treadmill for 20min. I felt great when I was done. All energized and healthy - I know I've only gone one day this week but it's a start. I'd have gone tonight as well but it that time of the month and my cramps though manageable with Midol are still present. Also have some muscle aches from my workout Wed but no more than I expected after my long absence. I had my yearly physical/gyno appt this week as well. That was as much fun as you can imagine (grimace). I haven't gained any net-weight since last year (since I lost the extra lbs I gained over Christmas by March). I'm lucky in a way that my job entails me being on my feet and walking around, up and down stairs several times a day.

I've also decided to make an effort to get at least 5 fruit and/or veggies a day. My current diet was sorely lacking in these areas. I might have been getting 2 serving of them at most a day if that.
I cooked a huge pot of lamb stew Mon night into which I put potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, carrots, coriander, bay leaves. I also cooked acorn squash separately and chucked it in at the end. it came out really great. I even skimmed off the top layer of fat the next day and then froze it in portions. Normally when I make lamb stew I don't skim it off, I just portion it out incl. all the yummy congealed fat which turns into deliciousness when reheated :)
I also bought several packs of frozen veggies for stir-frying and also bought this nifty spicy stir-fry sauce. Well they weren't kidding about it being hot. I don't like to use the stir-fry sauce that comes with the frozen stir-fry veg b/c it's usu just high fructose corn syrup, coloring and other artificial nonsense which always seems to have very little flavor and too much salt. I have to add additional noodles (Ramen ones) to it to make it edible. I like Ramen noodles but don't use the packets of "salt" that come with them. After the whole too-spicy dish, I also got some of this regular stir-fry sauce. Maybe a mix of the two will give me just the right mix of spiciness and flavor that I seek :)

Went out Thurs night for drinks with a friend from work. It was fun, we hung out with her roomies' bf and his friends. It was a local bar known for it variety of beers on tap. It was standing room only, literally wall-to-wall people. We stayed out till 11:30 or so. I was so exhausted when I woke up this morning, I felt like crap and I thought I'm too old for this shit. I only had one beer. Maybe I should have left at 10. I didn't get there till 8:30 but still 1 1/2 hrs is more than enough time to socialize. Plus most people there have probably not already worked 40hrs by Thurs night like I(and my friend) have so being out late is not a problem. It was fun though.

This morning, it was a little rough going. I didn't accomplish much today at all. Our group went out to lunch at PF Chang's. It was delicious. Plus we left at 11:50 and didn't get back until 2:30m. Takes a while for 11 people to have appetizers and entrees :) Took care of a big chunk of the day and the rest of it went by in a blur.
I'm tired. I think I'm going to bed now.

dating tips continued...

9a. If you prefer Caucasian/Asian women and you state this in your profile - do not email me/send me ice-breakers. (I have pictures and also clearly state that I'm Black).

9b. If you are a Caucasian male who prefers all races except Black and you state this in your profile - do not email me/send me ice-breakers.

10. If you are 20yrs older than my upper age limit, forget about it.

I wish they would leave this field set to "any" even if they do have a preference. I supposed it's good that they don't b/c at least I can weed them out from the get-go. The ones with the most exclusive racial preferences are always the guys who say in their profile...I'm an open, well-rounded guy, blah, blah, blah...if you were really open and well-rounded, race would not be an issue imho. This is the first thing I look at. I don't want to get excited over a guy's profile only to find out that he prefers to date every other race but my own and is willing to state that fact. I have no problem with people who prefer to date within their race. That's fine and I'm all about personal choice. What I don't like is guys who still write me anyway when they clearly don't want a Black woman.

dating tips

I posted this entry the other day about tips the yahoo personals sent about what to write in an email.
They should give tips like these instead...

1. Do not type in all CAPS or all lower case, use punctuation. What are you? animals? No, it is not a cute writing style.
2. Do not post unflattering pictures of yourself - if that's the only one you have, get out and have someone take a better picture of you. Speaking of pictures, do not post pictures of yourself taken from below the chin - unflattering on everyone.
3. Do not continue to stalk someone/send emails/continually check the profile of people who kindly sent you an email indicating they were not interested.
4. Please use the spell check option if you can't spell, it's nothing to be ashamed of - unless you spell words like intelligent incorrectly. Conveys doubt.

That's all I can come up with on the fly. Any other suggestions?

Oh and as a side note: why do old men who smoke keep writing me when I have a specific age range 10 or more yrs younger than they are? I'm asthmatic, smokers are a deal-breaker. They don't know that but they should know that I also specified non-smoker.

lars and the real girl

I checked and it was going out of the theaters soon so I ate my dinner in a hurry and went out to see it tonight. I missed the first couple minutes I think but not enough to spoil it. I enjoyed it. I laughed a lot. It was sad and cute and funny.

I've seen a ton of movies lately. I've given up on rationing myself. I'm trying to see only movies I really want to see, not just ones I'm lukewarm about.

Next, I want see Martian Child with John Cusack. Kinda wanted to see American Gangster when I first saw the previews for it 3 months ago but now, not so much. Also want to see Dan in Real Life but I'm going to catch that one on DVD.

Gone Baby Gone is probably a great movie but I'm going to give it a miss - how many times have they done the kidnapped young child and tortured detectives. Feels like I've seen it already.

I've been waiting for almost half the year for The Golden Compass. I hate when they show you a great preview and you have to wait forever before hte movie comes out.

what i love about online personals...

...that they tell you their age/height/race in their profile bio even though it is there in the basic stats of your profile - meaning you should write something other than what's there

...that they are looking for someone stable(mentally) - I've seen this on more than one profile...as opposed to what? Are there people out there who prefer someone unstable?

...people who type their entire profile in CAPS - Morons

...people who send you a long drawn-out (4-paragraph) email the first time they write you - why invest all that when you don't even know if the person's interested. Try an ice-breaker instead like hi, like your profile, etc.

...stalkers, I mean, people who check out your profile every day but never send you emails

I'm only 3 months into my current lease. This means it's going to be a long torturous 9months until I can move. My neighbors, the morons and their demon spawn are driving me freakin insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the fog

I like fog. Don't care much for driving through it, especially at night. I kinda like driving through it in the early morning but I can't fully enjoy the experience b/c I'm afraid that some idiot will be driving too fast and crash into me...which puts a damper on my joy. I do like the fog though. It's crazy and weird. I wish I had the time to just stand outside and enjoy it...walk through it :)
I'm usu on my way to work when it appears so I do have time to mess about. There is no fog where I'm from. Maybe that's why I'm so fascinated by it.

earlyish day

The power went out today just after our 2hr group meeting. It was around 4pm. I was planning to leave early to get my allergy shots - by early I mean before 5-how sad is that? Anyhoo, we trouped into lab quickly to turn off the instruments/machines and such to prevent them from being ruined by power surges - and then were kind of loitering around as people in other groups were as well. Only the emergency lights were on in the hallways.

Power outages mean that not only do our computers go down but also our hoods go down. This means we have to get out of the labs if we are in them b/c the air quality gets really bad. I went to lab one last time to check my lab notebook and saw our group leader doing a walk-through, she told me that we should probably go home as it was after 4pm. I immediately told my colleagues, grabbed my bag and got the hell out of there. I got to my car and drove as if the hounds of hell were after me. Well, almost :) She didn't have to tell me twice.

The power was also out in our building across the street(where my park was parked) b/c a lot of them were outside in the parking lot just standing there. We(my co-workers and I) are so conditioned that whenever the power goes out, we don't leave unless we get an official word regardless of time of day. We usually don't get one. Eventually, individual managers can tell their reportees whether or not to leave. It's a little sad but that's the way it is. Some people feel very proud of the fact that they waited 2-3hrs in the parking lot until the power came back. Losers! I usually try to find my manager to see what the word is.
Even though I had to go get my allergy shots, I didn't care, I was just glad to be leaving work while it was still light out :)

Online dating

My snarky-short profile online has gotten more views in the 2 weeks it's been up than the well-thought-out, much-edited one I made the last time I tried online personals for 6 mths. I keep getting ice-breakers from guys wihtout pics. C'mon, they wouldn't really respond to a woman without knowing what she looked like. What do they take me for.

Also I'm intrigued(not) by the guy who's 41 (my upper age limit is 38), with no photo, who wrote me "we seem to have a lot in common". What? Like...we're both humans who live in NY...cause I fail to see how my profile which clearly says that I'm looking for man aged 27-38, non-smoker, no kids preferred, wants kids eventually - I don't see what we have in common at all.
His profile has inexplicable numbers in place of words...it's like some sort of puzzle...oh wait, it's code for his email...clever. He not only has kids but is looking for someone who 'loves his kids' (sight unseen I imagine), doesn't want any more kids, smokes, and thinks we have a lot in common. Am I missing something? I don't think so.

One cute guy did send me an ice breaker saying "he liked my smile". So I sent him one back saying "i bet you say that to all the girls". Cute, right? Apparently not, b/c he then sent me one saying, "sorry to hear we're not a match, thanks for letting me know". Again, I'm confused. He sounded like a guy I would like to get to know, at least on paper. I thought about writing him to explain - of course to do that I would have to fork over money). I did not pursue it further mainly b/c he's 24. I'm so over trying anything at all with a guy more than 5 yrs younger than me - that's my new cut-off. Also b/c his profile says he's looking for someone aged 18-28. No more pursuing guys who clearly are looking to date an infant.

I can't take any guy seriously who says he wants a woman aged 18- or 21- when they are in their 30s,40s or 50s. What are they really going to talk about with an 18yr old. Seriously?

I lot of these guys think 38 means anything from 41 to 60. And those extra 20yrs were rough, hard years. These men look way too old. I can give or take a couple years but not if they look 60 at whatever age they claim to be (41-50-something).

Still, this is fun and I'll keep at it for a while until it ceases to be amusing :)

online dating, sort of

So I've been checking out the online dating profiles again, just for fun and b/c I'm bored. I had to make a profile b/c yahoo doesn't let you scan profiles anymore unless you have one of your own. So I made a quick one. Yahoo sends me all these silly "dating tips" things. The list below is a list of 10 questions they suggest you can ask to keep things "flirty and fun"

1. Where did you get that fantastic smile?
2. What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
3. What is the most romantic place that you've been on a date?
4. What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
5. If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
6. What is your favorite thing to do with a partner for fun?
7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
8. How long have you played guitar? (Ask about something in their profile.)
9. Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (Compliment something in their photograph.)
10. When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)

If someone asks me #1, 2, 3, or 4, I wouldn't really be keen on them. IN fact, it'd probably turn me right off them. Where did you get that smile? What kind of question is that? Surely guys can come up with something better than that. As for #10, how can I know whether I'd want to kiss someone or even entertain that idea without meeting them. If guys who get this same email from yahoo ask me any of the 5 questions...instant deal-breakers for me. Maybe this is why I'm alone.

a lovely day to be out

Had a really good day yesterday. I've been meaning for a while to visit some of the local parks in the area - there are many in new york state and several of them within 30-45min drive from where I live so I really have no excuse for not seeing any of them. So Sat, I slept in till 10am then got up and puttered around my apt a bit. Around 2pm I was ready to go out and see some nature :) I had to get gas, mail a couple packages, then I was off. I was able to find it fairly easily - only took one wrong turn, I realized immediately and reversed to take the right one. Luckily there was only 1 car behind me and it was not very close :) It cost $6 to get in and park, not bad. The lake was very pretty and quite calming. There were several families scattered around with campers and such on the way to the lake (10mph speed limit :).

At the lake itself, there were one or two canoes, kayaks and the occasional loud jet-ski in the distance. I had a couple snacks with me and water, my ipod, books and camera. I even brought along my sketchbook in case I felt like doing a little drawing. Took a few pictures...





I spent almost 2 hrs there, just relaxing and enjoying my book. It was great. Then I felt a lone raindrop, looked up and the sky had darkened a bit. So I packed up and headed out. None too soon, within 10min it was pouring. I imagine that many of the people who were now walking down to the lake as I was leaving were soaked to the skin. I stopped at a lookout point after 15min of driving - the rain had slowed a bit to a fine drizzle. I took a couple pictures. Such a fantastic view. It soon started pouring again so I quickly got back in my car, checked my map to get my bearings, then was off for home.



I will have to go back. Maybe earlier in the day so I could stay longer. I wanted to be on my way home before it got dark - less chance of getting lost that way :)

I'm going back in a couple weeks, by then I think most of the leaves would have turned or started turning, and it should be really lovely for picture taking.

c'est la vie

I had plans for Sat. I was going to breakfast most likely with T around 10ish then apple-picking with E and crew at 1pm. Then maybe dinner at E's as well.

I'd been nagging AK aka my crush/my former crush/the enemy since before my week off to my sis' wedding, to do something for his birthday which was this past weekend. He vetoed all my suggestions but couldn't come up with any of his own either. So Thurs I see him and say, well you have my number if you think of something, call me. So he comes over to my lab late Fri evening and asks if I want to go to a BBQ with him Sat. It was being given by his boss for all the guys in his lab as well as a few other managers. He said they told him he could bring a date(and I quote) and he asked if I wanted to go with him as his date.

So I kinda balked (in my mind - thinking that I wanted to date him but didn't want it public knowledge until we at least had a few regular dates...I didn't want to appear to be dating him before we actually went out on a real date). Anyhoo, I asked what time and he didn't say exactly, just that we could prob go after I came back from picking apples. So I told him my plans for Sat - and said he could call me and we'd see. So he called me around noon and said he wanted to go at 1pm. So I told him I'd prob be back by 3pm and asked if that was ok. He said that was fine. He didn't say no to my suggestion. He didn't ask if I could go with him at 1pm instead. I would have totally bailed on picking apples and gone earlier if he'd asked. He acted like it was fine - I thought we had a plan. I was so excited then. I feel really foolish now.

So I went to pick apple/drink some cider with my friends and we got back just after 3, and I drove over to his apt - he lives less than 5min from E. I get there and he comes out and we start driving over. Then he tells me that he actually went to the party at 1pm after all and just came back for me. So now I'm a bit confused. B/c he didn't tell he was still planning to go earlier. So now I'm feeling a little weirded out. We get there 15min later. I knew almost eveyone there from work -except for their wives. We said hello to the host and went in to get some food on his invitation. We get back outside and there aren't many seats free. There are 2 seats next to each other and one more separated by a lot of space and a table. He sat in the chair furthest away. So I took the seat closest to him (which was not very close at all) and kinda dragged my chair a little closer. The sun was shining directly in our eyes if we looked straight ahead. I tried to make conversation with him but it was difficult with our seats and the sun. eventually one of the wives came and sat in the empty seat next to me and we chatted for a while. After a while we went in to get some dessert. We came back out and more chairs were free so I took one by the table. There were 3 chairs free, 2 on one side of me and 1 on the other. Guess where AK decides to sit when he comes back outside - not in any of the free seats near me but instead he sat in a chair almost at the edge for the deck. Almost like he wanted to make sure people didn't mistake us for a couple. He kept up this bizarre sitting as far as possible from me thing for half our time there. We're friends, or at least I thought we were. If he didn't want them to think of us as a couple, he shouldn't have asked me to go with him in the first place. Friends go as each other's date to things like this, don't they? I don't know, maybe he was miffed b/c I didn't go with him from 1pm. I just don't know. Eventually the host asked him to start a campfire and handed him some kindling. Does he ask me to join him or follow or anything? No. He just got up and proceeded to walk over to the campfire area, so I followed and said I like to see too. After that he was a little more friendly towards me. Not in any way that might be construed as being boy-friendly but at least he'd stopped acting like I had cooties or something.

I was very hurt by this. I just don't understand. On the drive back I wanted to ask him if he managed to get as far enough away from me as he wanted. But I didn't know how to ask without doing something embarrassing like crying or shouting irrationally at him. So I didn't say anything then. And I'm not going to...ever.

I saw him as I was leaving work today, we were both leaving at the same time. Usually I would walk over to him and we'd chat for a while. Not today. I said hi and kept walking towards the door as we were casually chatting about the day's work (we usu park in different parking lots so we go out different doors). After a couple minutes, I said bye and left. Go me! He seemed friendly and somewhat flirty like he normally is. Whatever. I'm done. I don't understand but that's fine. I don't have to understand. He was kind of a jerk to me on Sat. It was a good thing that I actually knew most of the people there from work else I'd have been not only sitting by myself but would also have been stuck trying to make small talk with strangers.

I just expected more and got much less than I'd bargained for. C'est la vie! or at least C'est ma vie!

In Macy Gray's song, Everybody, she says "you're either enemy or you are the friend". I really like that line :-) AK is now the enemy. or maybe I am?

music

at the wedding, we danced to music from the late 70s, the 80s and early 90s. All the dances involving specific movements, we danced to most of them...the macarena? yes...the electric slide? yes...also to several other songs that didn't have movements/dances per se, we made up movements them or rather my sis and the best man made up movements and we all followed along. It was great fun. Since then, I've been listening to many old faves, not all played at the wedding but still from around that time like...
i think we're alone now...debbie gibson
heaven is a place on earth...belinda carlyle
it must have been love...roxette
super trooper...abba
material girl...madonna
the sidewinder sleeps tonight...R.E.M.
tell it to my heart...taylor dayne
hungry heart...bruce springsteen

also got a few CDs while in the UK - actually my sis got them for me as a thank-you. Picked up Macy Gray's latest "Big". It is an awesome CD. I've been playing 3 or 4 of the songs over and over. The best tracks are Strange Behaviour, Slowly, Get Out and One For Me. Treat Me Like Your Money and Ghetto Love aren't too shabby either. I think this is the first Macy Gray CD that I've listened/liked almost all the way through.
Also got Norah Jones' "Not Too Late", Haven't found any I really like on the CD yet. But I haven't really given it a good listen yet so who knows.
Also got "Sam's Town" by the Killers and "the Open Door" by Evanescence as well as a rock compilation CD "greatest rock ballads". It has many gems on it including "because the night" by patti smith, "can't fight this feeling" by reo speedwagon, and even "eternal flame" by the bangles. Couldn't pass up the chance to own that now could I?

I'm in a slightly better frame of mind than I was earlier - took my inhaler during my mini-meltdown and that helped in addition to some deep-breathing exercises.
I should have known that things couldn't possibly go anywhere from the moment he said "who's ABBA?".

sometimes its all I can do just to get through the day, get up, take my meds, eat. go to work. come home. sleep.

I thought it was a date-date. But it was not. It was just a friend-date. I think. All I know is that I'm very disappointed. And a little surprised. I shouldn't be surprised though. It's not like it is any different from before. Couldn't even really cry about it last night. Too sad.

Feeling very sorry for myself right now. But this'll pass. I know it will eventually but I just can't see it yet.

Had several muscle spasms this weekend in both my hands and feet. It kinda scares me when it happens several times in one day. I wish I could stop taking these stupid medicines. But I can't. I could but then I'd probably end up in the ER or hospitalized. I can't deal with either of those options.

My sister's wedding went well, both she and her new husband enjoyed the day. Many of the guests remarked that it was one of the best weddings they've been to.
It was a beautiful day with lots of sunshine and laughter and love.
Got many pics of the family. We danced from 7pm till midnight. It was a good day.

I had a few too many glasses of champagne and wine. Was up until 3am with the last stragglers from the wedding. Chatting away. I think maybe if I lived there, I'd have to fend the men off with a stick. Not like here. Where it's all I can do to even get them to ask me out or call or do ANYTHING.

Still up, almost done packing. Just so tired I'm moving in slow motion. Maybe I should just go to bed and wake up early to finish. It's already 12:30am I really need sleep now.
I'm so looking forward to this week off from work.
I'll be off for England tonight, I'm leaving straight from work, doing a 1/2 day.
I so need this vacay and it'll be great to see my family and celebrate my sis wedding.

sticking with goog

I'm a Google girl. I've a curious mind and simply must know the answer to things that people ask or that randomly come up like...
...do ducks have ears?...yes, no pinnae but have special feathers, auriculars, covering their 'ear-holes'
...can turtles hear? yes. Do they have ears too? yes they also have inner ears.
...do turtles also have special feathers?...obviously a smart-aleck comment :)

In lab, when stuff like this comes up, if no one has a convincing answer, then someone has to google it? immediately if possible :)
We also check dictionary.com fairly often if we can't all come to a concensus on the spelling of a certain word. Got to do something while our reactions are reacting, right? :)

ask.com has an almost cool ad to try to convince people to switch over from Google...they almost had me thinking of trying them out until the phrase "instant getification". Getification? A made up word? No thanks.

Nadal just won his match against Tipsarevic. TipsyRay retired finally. About time too, kept holding his ribs. Had them taped in the most peculiar way and also massaged in an odd way but continued playing. I was afraid it would turn into another farce like last night's James Blake vs fabrice Santoro match. Santoro played one point then jumped up and down for the trainer to massage/ice/rub his legs then played another point and stopped for another treatment. It was ridiculous. I was glad Blake was able to win in the end. Santoro seemed to be really faking it to me or at the very least over-doing it. I wanted to tell him to stop being such a wuss and either retire like a man or suck it up and play. I did actually shout this at my tv :)
I do get quite passionate sometimes about tennis, baseball too.

mini epiphany

Just realized something...I have not been exercising (only been to the gym 3-4x this month) and I have not been sleeping well at all. Coincidence? Probably not. Got to work on that.

Finally, finally, some of my chemistry has been working. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much. I've been assigned additional targets that are similar to ones I've made previously. my boss has been on vacation/to science conf. for the last 2-3 weeks ans has only been to work 3-4 days during that time. It's been fantastic and will not last so I'm savoring every moment.

my dilemma

Last night is the first night in ages that I've been able to fall asleep in my bed soon after getting in. I only got ~5 1/2hr sleep but it was a continuous 5 1/2 hr and that really makes a difference. I also slept fairly well the night before but I slept on my futon (intentionally) b/c it was too hot in the bedroom.

Had a nice chat today with my current crush aka my boy-toy :). I know it's not going anywhere and that's probably for the best. He's so cute though, all the way through. There are guys who are more good looking, more muscular, my age, etc. but none give me tingles in quite the same way as this guy does. It's sad and little pathetic, I know but there are moments...moments when I'm completely content...content to just listen to him talk about anything. He's very witty and quick. I do like a smart man, I do. I never have to explain things, he's gets it right away.

I kinda want to ask him to go to this festival with me. I want to go partly b/c Teada will be playing/for an opportunity to hang with him. When we hung out at our company picnic, it was great fun. He never left my side. It was very cool. I want to hang out with him, outside of work, but I don't know how to bring this about without seeming desperate or like a complete dork. Therein lies my dilemma.

movies, movies, movies

I've seen 5 of the movies currently in theaters. I'm out of control. Yeah I am b/c I was trying to have a movie budget. See 1 movie or so a month. I'm way past that now.
I've even seen one of them twice (harry potter). I don't usu buy anyting to eat, I eat before I go to see a movie most times and also sneak in my own bottled water so I'm really only paying for the ticket. But at $8.50-10/movie it adds up real fast.
I guess it's not such a big deal. It's not like I have kids or pets that are going without so I can see all these movies :) So what movies have i seen in the last month? (I know you're dying to know - all 2 of you :)

The Bourne Ultimatum was non-stop fast-paced action. My friend Z and I went. She and I both love Matty-Matt aka Matt Damon. If you blink during this movie you will miss stuff. We tried not to blink.

Becoming Jane was ok, not quite as good as I expected it to be from previews.

No Reservations - I kinda enjoyed this one, though C. Zeta Jones is "not at all vulnerable" as I think the character was in the original movie - which I plan to see soon. I think the chemistry between the 2 main characters took longer to develop than the story implies.

Ratatouille - a fun movie, even if you have an aversion to rats. They're almost cute in this movie and the main character is totally cute. I think he's cute b/c he's blue and less rat-like than a brown/black rat would be.

Sunshine - not my usual kind of movie. My friend S recommendation, it was better than I expected until the last 15-20 min. At that point it went from science fiction to slasher movie. Still don't get it.

Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix - I had to see this since I've seen all the others. I felt like stuff was missing though in a way different from the other movies. I'm inclined to read the book now. I haven't felt the need to read any of the other books before.

battle scars

I've been having trouble sleeping again. Last Fri I took the day off...mainly b/c most of my lab co-workers were also taking the day except for my boss and one other guy. Yeah, definitely a good call. Good thing too b/c I could not get to sleep. I spent most of last thurs night awake. I tried to get to sleep but couldn't. I didn't actually sleep until 5am Fri morning. I slept till 11am. Kind of a waste of a day off. I keep having these nights where I can't sleep at all or can't stay asleep and keep waking every couple hrs. I decided to take a couple tylenolPM last night since I also had a sinus headache. I took them at 7pm and by 9 I was really sleepy. So I went straight to bed. Woke up at 3am and didn't really nod off again until ~5am. Groggily woke up at 730am. Go to work at 8:40am. Later than I would like to.
It's only Wed and I'm exhausted. Had long meeting today and had to prepare/present slides - tons of bio data plus the structures of compounds tested. Took me a couple hrs to put them together - I'm not used to going through the database so it took me quite a while to find the info I needed and then arrange everything in Powerpoint. All in all, 8 slides. Luckily we only have to present once or twice a month. I am not cut out for staring at the computer for too long. I'd much rather be in lab even though most of that time I'm on my feet.

I took Benadryl last week at night b/c I had a major local reaction to my allergy shots. It knocked me right out at 7pm, woke up at 2am but went back to sleep shortly after that till my alarm. Woke up feeling groggy. Lately I've been having local reactions to my allergy shots, particularly the dust mites and mold ones. I get 3 shots every other week or so and the dose seems to have reached some sort of threshold for both of these. The 3rd shot is combo pollens one and that one is fine - no local reaction. Last week, I had to take Benadryl, my arm still had a huge hive on it for 2 days. Local reaction is kind of like a huge hive. They measure them in different degrees e.g size of a pea, a nickel, a quarter, a half-dollar. My latest reaction was 8cm across. They don't have a denomination for that. It was pretty knarly. Didn't stop me from showing all my friends like it was some kind of battle scar I was proud of :)

too old for facebook

I think I am b/c I just don't understand why people want me to add them as friends when they have nothing to say to me...ever. Oh they say a quick hi when they want you to add them, then nothing. I don't get it. Maybe I'm just too old for this.

glass half-full again

I'm in a much better frame of mind now than I was when I wrote that last post. Getting it all out helped a bit, I think. My boss is on vacation this week so I'm dealling with his boss instead. She's much more reasonable and her suggestions make more sense than my boss usually does. He either doesn't understand me or he is unable to express himself in English enough to get his point across. When I'm looking for feedback, he asks me the dumbest, most irrelevant questions, instead of helping me address the issue(reaction) at hand. It's like pulling teeth sometimes. Enough. NO more talk of him. I'm just going to try to enjoy this week.

I'm still working on the difficult stuff but I've also gotten a few other targets to make that are similar to ones I've had success with in the past. I've gotten more done in the past 2 days than I did all last week. My motivation was virtually non-existent then. I find that I can get so much more done when I have 5-6 targets to make as opposed to just 1 or 2 sucky ones.

I did a couple paintings on the weekend, one is finished and the other is half-way done. The finished is not very good but I did it more as a distraction than anything else. It was good just to paint something. They both feature painted lines. I'm going to try to paint more, maybe 2-3 times a week. I think that'll also help me relax more - take my mind off of everything but the paint.

basically screwed

Every 6 months we are supposed to have informal reviews of our work. For most people, this means a 5 min chat or sometimes even less and it is actually informal. Not for me, as usual my supervisor of the moment reserved a conference room for my "informal" review. And as usual, the same shit. I seem to be doing as expected of someone at my level. He mistakenly thought I have been there 3yrs instead of 5. HE should know. He's seen my other evaluations. Surely with only one person reporting to him, he should know that much. Also as usual, he said "someone" told me they think you talk to people too much, I don't have a problem with it, b/c you have to talk sometimes in lab. To make thinks "fun"...the first 3 months you were very productive but now your productivity has dropped off a bit and so maybe it might have something to do with that. What do you think of that?"

I told him that I'm not talking any more or less than usual. No more now than before when my rpoductivity was much higher. My current chemistry is difficult chemistry that has not been done before so of course it's taking me a while, plus it's a long, multi-step synthesis with shitty yields. Of course it'll take longer. I told him I would try and talk a bit less and he seemed satisfied with that.
I wonder if they say "someone told me they think you talk too much" when they really mean that they do. I could almost accept that. It's the whole idea of someone so vindictive that they want to get me in trouble so they go to my boss and say these things. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

I feel so trapped by this job. Every year I have to listen to this fucking shit from these morons. It wouldn't be so hard to take if maybe the fuckers had thought of promoting me like they have every other chemist at my level who started around the same time I did (some deserving and others who are complete morons without a lick of common sense). It'd be a little easier to swallow their shit. Basically, they want me be a different person. This makes me so angry, I want to scream sometimes. It also depresses me. I spend way less time than most on the phone/the internet/at lunch/on coffee breaks. That never seems to matter to these mofos. I can't just leave this job. For one thing, I can't afford to. For another, I'm not trained for anything else. Once my green card paperwork comes through, which could be anything from 6mths to 2yrs, I'm contracted to work for this company for at least 2 yrs after that. I could try to move to a different company at that point but I would just be exchanging these shit-eaters for new ones. Chemists as a whole are generally very similar with few exceptions, they tend to antisocial. I don't know if it's b/c many of them were teased/bullied in school, if that's why they're petty and mean-spirited-at least all the ones I've had as bosses have been.

Maybe, it'd also be easier to deal with if I had someone to talk to. Someone to call when I'm so overwhelmed and depressed that I can't relax enough to sleep. But I don't really have anyone to call. I do have a few friends here. That's true. I don't feel as if I can call anyone at this hour though. Or when I'm at work, I certainly can't call anyone from there to vent.

I just feel so alone most of the time. Every time I meet a guy I think likes me who I really like, nothing comes of it. NOTHING! Only the weirdos ever call or want another date.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. Maybe I should call the psychologist I saw last year and make an appt.

new meds

I'm trying out a new medication Symbicort for a couple weeks to see how well my body can tolerate it. I'm hoping not to have the same horrible reactions that I had to Advair the last time I tried the combo-meds. If I can use it without substantial side effects it'll make my life a little easier. Especially when I travel to England for my sister's wedding in September. It'll be much less hassle if I don't have to explain that I need to keep some of my meds cold (foradil - needs to be refigerated). Plus I'd also need to have both my flovent(corticosteroid) and albuterol(emergency) inhalers and my rhinocort plus all their prescription boxes with me in additon to my zantac 150. I need to take all of these 2x every day. I missed one morning of taking my zantac and felt really ill for the next 2 days. The burning from the reflux was just awful. I don't imagine that I'll be able to stop taking it anytime soon. This is my life. At least I have a decent prescription plan at work else I wouldn't be able to afford most of my meds. So I'm thankful for that.
I've had a couple hand cramping incidents which lasted about 3-4seconds each in the last week that I've been on the Symbicort. Not ideal but not as bad as with the Advair inhaler I was on a while back. So I'm going to keep taking it for another week and see how it goes.

just a little crush

Still crushing(am I too old to be even using this word?) on AK aka my boy-toy. Ok, so he's not really my boy-toy but he could be if he wanted to. I've been trying to be real cool and casual and not freak him out by telling him this. A good thing, right? I'm insane. I must be to be entertaining ideas about this boy/man. What else can you call a 22yr-old guy...when you're 32. We had this conversation a while back...it started with me talking about what I did for my last birthday...

AK: so...how old are you now?
Me: guess
AK: 25?
Me: Nope
AK: 26
Me: Not any more
AK: older than 26, ok, 27?
Me: No, I'm 32
AK: 32?...32!...c'mon you're making that up
Me: why would I make up an age older than I am?
AK: Wow, 32, I would have thought 25 for sure. 32...32...
Me: Alright enough ok. Just think of me as 25
AK: I can't anymore, now 32's stuck in my head...

He hasn't brought it up since (else I may have had to deck him)
He and I spent a really fun day hanging out together at our company's picnic. From time to time, I forget that he's 22 and then he opens his mouth and says something really juvenile and I remember. I've told him this. He laughed and said "that's kinda cool, people normally tell me I look 17". This is the crux of my problem.
I'm pretty sure that he's not interested in me and if he was before he found out how old I am, he's not anymore. This should make me feel better but it only depresses me.

AAARRRGGGHHH!

Have not been in the mood to blog of late. Just so tired and worn out at night after work, many nights I don't even turn my pc on.

My chemistry has been real crap lately. I've been trying to make a couple targets that are 10-12 steps each and usually around the 10th step or so things start looking really bad. Yields are horrible and get worse with each subsequent reaction. I had to explain this to my supervisor on Thurs. I actually knew Wed night but decided to put off telling him till Thur. Also took 1/2 day off on Fri. He wants me to show him all my analytical data for every reaction. As if I'm new and have only been here a few months. Maybe he thinks my yields will improve just by him looking at it. Frankly, I doubt it.

If he does a reaction and it doesn't work well or at all, then it's impossible. If I do a reaction several times and get the same crappy yields each time, then I must be doing something wrong. Unfortunately for me, he's one of those freaks who gets stuff to work that no one else gets to work using the same conditions that were used.

I've been keeping the bastard updated with almost every step. I told him how much material I had going into the last couple steps (which don't really work). I think that it's that particular substrate, not me, that is the real problem. Still he told me, "oh if you only have such a small amt you shouldn't have wasted time continuing". I told him what I was doing and he must not have been listening. I have had 6 supervisors in my 5yrs at this company only 2 of which spoke English as a first language. Why me? is all I can think. Why me? Mostly I think that when I'm feeling sorry for myself as I have this past week. I also think - WTF? frequently. And also - why the f doesn't he leave me the f alone? :-)

I have 3 or 4 other targets assigned to me which they haven't figured out how I'm going to make yet. The ones I'm doing now are supposed to be the easier ones. I am so screwed. I've been very depressed all week. I finally got a small amt of this stupid compound shipped out after working on it for 6 wks. I really wanted to take the whole day off on Fri but figured I might as well go in in the am to check my other reaction(and confirm that it's still not clean after 2 attempts at purifying it).I'm tired of these shit-targets, none of which have been promising in testing, yet we still continue to try to make more variations of them. Sadly, I don't make these decisions...I just try to do what I'm told.

Half-days mean we only have to work 4hrs. So at noon I got the hell out of there. I actually went to the gym and did my weight routine. I've noticed that on the days I exercise, I'm actually able to sleep and sleep well. So I'm trying.

Plus after a work-physical, I've found out that my cholesterol is borderline high. So I'm trying to exercise more and eat a little less portion-wise. My Mum has very high cholesterol which she's controlling with medication so it's in my genes I guess. Also, I'm a bit overweight for my height. Maybe. I'm not entirely convinced about this. I'd just like to lose some/most of the belly/back fat, be more toned and fit. So I'm trying a new regimen where I eat a little less and exercise more. I'm trying for walking 30min 4 days a week + weights 2x/week. That's my goal. Last week I managed to walk 2 days and weights 2 days so I'm getting there. Just have to stick with it.

why I'm still single

It's impractical and somewhat embarrassing. Almost illegal, well not quite but it feels like it should be. I know there's no future. He's 22. Maybe if I keep telling myself this, it'll just go away. I know it but I can't quite let go of these feelings I have for A. I'm 10yrs older than him. But he's cute and funny and quick-witted and tall but not too tall. I am very attracted to him. There I said it. We look closer in age but that's only b/c I look ~8yrs younger than I am. He's a young-looking 22. I figured that these feelings, this silly crush would go away soon. But it hasn't. Even if he was interested in me, it's not going anywhere. It can't. Can you imagine him telling his mother that he's dating a woman 10yrs older. What kind of a freak would that make me seem like? Truly not worth considering.

Why am I concerned? I really shouldn't be. As long as I don't do or say anything impulsive or stupid...like ask if he wants to have lunch sometime or dinner or whatever. As long as I don't do that, he's probably going to do what almost every other guy I'm met and liked have done - NOTHING. And eventually my feelings fizzle and I can move on with my life. Any day now...still waiting.

I bumped into the EB aka the Dimwit Stalker at the grocery store a couple days ago. In the light of day, he looks old enough to be my father. I think he lied about being 34 or 36 or however old he claimed to be. I don't recall. If he didn't lie he's a very old looking guy. He again insisted that he's "not a bad guy", I simply "misunderstood". Once again I had to explain myself. WTF! Again I told him that I shouldn't have to explain. He also said that "when you have time, drop me an email, as friends, so we can keep in touch". Yeah, right. What is wrong with this guy. How many ways/words do I need to explain that I'm not interested. To explain that no I don't want to be his anything...not his friend...not his girlfriend...certainly not his future wife. I think much of what I say must be lost in translation.

This is what happens when you decide to go out on 2nd date with a guy you are really not attracted to. No more. I am never again going out with a guy just b/c he asks/seems like a nice guy/etc if I'm not attracted to him. I'm just going to say no and be done with it. Could have saved myself a ton of aggravation. So now I have to avoid that grocery as well even though it's the closest to my apt (5min away).

Just the other day I was remarking to Z "it's strange that in such a small place as where we live that I've not bumped into any of the guys I've dated. No a bad thing but still." Not that I want to see them and be forced into awkward conversations with them. Or that there have been that many (can count on my hands and have fingers left over).

To the same friend Z, that I was talking to before, I also confessed that except for the dimwit stalker, I've only dated guys younger than me. Strange but true.

This, in a nutshell, is why I'm still single at 32. The only men who talk to me look 50 or 19. I will not date a man who looks old enough to be my father. My father does not look like he's 60 but he is. I will also not be dating anymore 19yr-olds. Been there, done that, saw the movie, bought the t-shirt and the game. :)
Or guys who look 19 or act like they're 19. You get the picture.

rain and heat

Last Wed I drove through the worse rain storm ever - should probably have waited it out at work but I was more concerned with getting home so my landlord could put my air-conditioner in the window(it weighs ~100lbs so no way I can do it myself). My apt has been between 84-90° and I wasn't able to sleep well at all. I kept waking up every couple hrs. After 3 days days of this, I was pretty desperate.

It was a horrible drive, the thunder was scary loud and the lightning wouldn't quit. Add to that the poor visibility. What made things worse was that I turned down a side street on my way home and ended up in about 3 1/2 feet of water. I've never seen that much water before on a street except on TV.
A couple cars were stuck in the middle of the road ahead of me. 2 people were wading through it and I was stuck. Several cars were lined up behind me, couldn't reverse. Tons of water in front of me, just had to go though it. I prayed and prayed that my car would keep going. At one point, a large SUV drove past me in the opposite direction and a full wave of water gushed over my car. It was really scary. Finally after an hr I got home - it usu takes 15-20min. Luckily my street is on higher ground. At that point, the rain had died down to a mere drizzle. I got inside and within 5min, it started pouring again outside. I was afraid that my landlord would change his mind about coming by with all the rain but he didn't. He came over and finally I can sleep at night.
When I turned on the AC, I set it at 78° and it groaned and kept making a racket - I think it was too hot for it to keep up. So I raised the setting to 82° and it quieted down a bit. My apt was so hot that the water in Timmy's tank got to be ~86°. His water is supposed to be 78-80 so that he can cool himself down when he needs to and warm himself up by coming out to his basking down which is about 90°(with the basking lamp).

M (who gave me Timmy) and K both think I've been changing Timmy's tank water excessively. Well, they've implied this. I just want him to have a clean tank, is all. I was thinking of getting a pleco - as Matt had suggested - to take care of any algae. But there isn't much algae for a pleco to live on, what with me changing 20-30% of his tank water once a week and 80% every other week. It's not like I have anything better to do. This way, you can't tell that I have a turtle by the smell. Personally the smell grosses me out so it makes more sense for me to change his water water often than to wait until it starts smelling. I've only smelled that smell once and that was enough for me.
Timmy has gotten used to me now and comes right up to my hands when I'm doing his water changes. he's very curious :) He also comes out as soon as I turn off his filter. I've gotten him accustomed to a routine:
-I wake up and turn on his basking lamp
-Turn off his filter
-As soon as it goes off, he comes out of hiding and starts looking around, sticking his head out of the water
-Then I feed him, he usu looks around for a while longer hoping for more food
-Then I turn on his UV lamp and put the filter back on. As soon as he hears/senses the filter, he goes back to hide/hang out in his tree.
As you may have realized by now, I love Timmy :)

Timmaayyy...

...because I know you can't get enough of him...I also subject my friends and co-workers to the many facets of Timmy :) I'm trying to cut back ;)


...next to my phone for size


...hanging ten


...looking for more food


...trying to figure out why I'm taking pics instead of dropping food in his tank


..ready for his close-up

More Timmy Pics

I found him like this just before I dropped the feeder fish in.


This is his latest hiding spot - see the biggest fish below him, that's the one he ate first.


You can see the suction cups at the top that he popped out so he could fit behind the posts of his dock.

One week with Timmy

I never realized before how much joy having a pet could bring. I bought Timmy(my turtle) a few feeder fish - I planned to only get 2 but the sales girl was having trouble just getting 2 of them out of the tank so I just said I'd take the 4. They're only 10c each. Well I put them all in Timmy's tank. After a couple hrs the biggest one (which I thought was too big for Timmy) started looking pretty bad - it was swimming really slowly then just lying on the bottom with only its gills moving, then it'd swim for a little while. I usu let the tap water I pour into Timmy's tank sit for a while before pouring it in to allow most of the chlorine to diffuse out. I don't use any water conditioners so I'm not surprised that the fish had a hard time. I figured I'd wait to see if it started floating on top then I'd just take it out - I didn't think it was small enough for Timmy anyway. After another hr, I looked in the tank and the fish was gone. Gone. Eaten by Timmy. I checked and there wasn't anything left of it anywhere in the tank. So I took the other 3 out b/c I didn't want him to eat anymore that day - he'd already been fed that morning and ate that big fish at night. So the next morning, I dropped one of them in his tank along with his usual pellets(usu 4 little ones), but he didn't seem at all interested in the pellets. I was a little concerned when I came after 15min and saw the pellets still there. Then I remembered that he'd feasted on that big fish. I guess he was full. When I got home that night, the fish in there was gone too. The next morning, I only put 2 pellets in there for him.
Timmy usu hides when I approach his tank and doesn't eat until I move away out of sight. But today I decided to just stand there and see what he'd do - they're supposed to get accustomed to being out around the person who feeds them.

He swam around for a while, then swam to his food (3 pellets + 1 mini shrimp) and gobbled them up one after the other. I didn't realize that he'd eat them that fast. Then he swam right out in front of me, looking for more I guess, then he assumed his usual hiding spot under his basking ramp. He came out briefly to sit on top of the ramp but when I turned around to peak at him (his tank is directly behind my computer chair) he dived to his usu spot. Still , we're making progress b/c he ate with me standing right there. Soon he might also stay on his ramp even when he notices me watching. Some turtles are more shy than other and never get over it enough to bask when you're around. But that's ok.

Pet Pictures

That's Timmy trying to climb behind the posts for his basking dock. He has managed to pop out the suction cups at the top so that he can fit behind the posts for the dock-that's his new fav spot. I've tried putting them back in place but he manages to pop them out in no time so I just leave it that way now.


This is the full set-up of his tank - his main hiding spot is behind the black filter on the bottom right of his tank.

My turtle

I got a tank, filter, screen, and other accessories for my new turtle and had it all set up and working for my new pet turtle last night - His full name: Timothy The Turtle aka Timmy T. Turtle or Timmmmy (in my South Park voice). I decided on the name last week. My friends agree that it's a good name for my turtle.

I brought him home tonight. Got him settled in his new home. At first he just hid behind one of the rocks. Then he was trying to get to the surface to breathe and the basking dock was in the way - I almost had a heart attack watching him. I was just about to open the screen to take him out but then he swam around it and was about to breathe. He's fine. I have the tank half-full to accommodate the small filter. I had to move the filter a couple times as Timmy kept swimming too close to the spout and was then pushed back by the filter current. I turned his basking lamp on and when I peaked at him he had climbed on top but as soon as he noticed me he dived back in the water and hid between the rocks. His other fav hiding place is behind the filter. I 'm glad he got up on the dock, I was afraid it might be too much for him as he's so little but he's fine. I think he likes his new home. I'm happy.

babies - so cute

my future turtle will be one of these babies


for perspective

why I have to move again

Though I'm not quite up to moving again emotionally, I fear that I'll lose my sanity if I don't. If it was just one thing, maybe I'd not even consider it but there are just too many things that are not right.

The Cons of staying:
- apt cold even though heat is supposedly included in my rent(now it's too hot)
- neighbor downstairs screams at her kids at all hours of the day and night
- said kids scream(like someone is killing them) at all hours of day or night
- said kids run up and down at all hours
- neighbor also snores really loudly at night(I've lost quite a bit of sleep b/c of this)
- I'm uncomfortable telling my stupid neighbors to quiet down when they get too loud b/c said neighbor is the same guy my landlord asked me to leave my back door open for so he can fix the plumbing - don't really want to piss them off
- I got another stupid parking ticket (my 4th since living here)
- there's a weird "moldy" smell in my living room which I can't locate (I've looked and cleaned and moved eveything in that section of the room to no avail - and can only imagine that maybe it's from the guy next door as we share the wall where the smell emanates from. Either that or the mold is in the wall. Ewwww!
- whenever it rains, my bathrm develops a mildewy/moldy smell for a couple days (which I only notice now b/c they never fully put the floor back in...from when they had to fix the leak they caused when they were replacing old iron pipe - all b/c I wanted the water from my bathrm sink to come out at more than a trickle...this lead to a cascade of events leaving me with a partially patched up wall(which they had to remove to replace the pipes after they discovered the leaks) under the sink and a partially covered bathrm floor
- bathrm floor cannot get wet (or so the landlord has told me, neither can the kitchen floor. Why would anyone sane replace the flooring in the 2 places most likely to get wet, with some kind of laminate flooring that "can't get wet" is beyond my understanding.
- they still need to "fix" the pipe from the kitchen which runs through the bathroom (they need to pull out the radiator in the bathrm for this, they plan to do this with me in residence)
- the expense of moving again(though I have had firm offers of help so maybe it won't be nearly as costly as it was last time when I hired movers)

The Pros of moving:
- quiet neighbors (one can hope)
- guaranteed parking = no more stupid parking tickets because they recently changed a stupid sign on your street and a stupid overly large SUV was parked in front of you, blocking the new stupid sign which you would have noticed if stupid SUV wasn't in front of you. can also blame stupid SUV b/c it was stupidly parked in such a way that it was hell fitting into the spot behind it, thereby distracting me enough so that I forgot "no parking Tues night". Phooey.
- heat in winter
- normal sized bathroom(you cannot imagine how small my current one is)
- bigger closets (hopefully)
- maybe even a dishwasher
- no mysterious "moldy/mildewy" smells
- affordable

Does it not sound like I need to move?

another week

This week didn't start out great but all in all was a good week. Had a slight mix-up with a few compounds I was shipping and recheck/rerun several pieces of data to be sure I had them labeled correctly. I did, thank goodness but I had to check to be certain. My job depends greatly on accuracy and certainty. If stuff goes awry, you need to be able to say that you are 100% certain of things. I was glad I checked and made sure.

My supervisor was his usu surly self but his boss(B2)and his boss's boss (B3) both gave me several compliments this week. I shipped out 4 compounds last week, have 4 going next week and 4 will be ready to go the week after that. I've been working a little extra to get the work done since I was supposed to shift to new targets soon. Anyhoo, they were both impressed with my progress and felt that I had done a great job and shipped the compounds out in record time. It was really nice to have those compliments repeated. Usually when I make a mistake, I have to listen to my boss, B2 and B3 (job culture = hierarchy, chain of command) all tell me about my error and how I should take care not to repeat it in the future, and the steps I need to take to avoid it in the future. So it's nice to have compliments repeated in the same vain.

My group went to lunch this week to say farewell to a co-worker(moved to another project) - I wasn't going to have dessert b/c no one else seemed to want it. Then B3 said, if you want it, get it, you deserve it, you've been working hard (usually the most senior manager there picks up the tab for our group lunches). How cool is that? So I had triple layer chocolate cake. Pretty good cake.

In other news...I'm getting a turtle. For real this time. My friend has one reserved for me (his turtles layed eggs and he incubated them and several of them hatched and are doing well). So now I have to get a tank and stuff for it. I'm so excited. I haven't asked my landlord. I've decided to move again. See "why I have to move again"

stranger than me

Tonight I rented "Stranger Than Fiction"(STF). I saw it in the cinema but was in the mood for it again tonight. Went to the video store to choose a movie for tonight - I had one free movie coupon left (from reward point from a credit card). I was determined to borrow a movie I hadn't seen before. My choices..."the last king of scotland" or "the good shepherd". I wasn't really in the mood for either of those movies, even though I do want to see them eventually. Felt like something more upbeat and funny. So I went with STF. Such a great movie. The only thing is that when I first saw this movie - I went with several friends. We had horrible seats in the nosebleed section, partly due to the fact that there were 6 of us, we were late and it was opening weekend and the place was packed. Anyhoo, one of the friends with me was C. And I had such a great time watching the movie with him next to me. He and I laughed at many of the same things (that most other ppl weren't laughing at). He was very touchy-feely. Not inappropriately, he only touched my hand or arm from time to time. I liked it, a lot. And later we went for coffee and hung out for a while with a couple other friends. He sat next to me again and seemed so into me. It was a very good night, at least I thought it was. I was sure he'd call soon for us to hang again. He even suggested it himself to me that night. But then...nothing. No calls from him, nothing. This was back in December I think. He hasn't called me since. Several times I started dialing his number but bailed at the last minute before it goes through. Then I recently saw his ad on yahoo personals...for someone other than me...much younger than me...any race but black. I'd almost forgotten about that night. Guess I was trying to block it out b/c it's tied to the other not-so-good stuff.

So there's this guy at the gym who I thought was kinda cute but he seemed shy. I don't have much patience for the shy. I just don't. Anyhoo, finally he comes over to me and talks to me at the gym for quite some time (while I worked out on 3 different machines). So I figure, the next time he sees me, he's going to ask for my number at the very least or ask me out...maybe for drinks or coffee sometime. Well, I was wrong again. I swear, sometimes my love-life (or lack thereof) is a like a country-western song. 5 times now he has come over to talk to me. Does he expect to learn all about me without even paying for a coffee. What am I supposed to think? That he's interested? Or that he's not interested? Whatever I'm supposed to think...what I think now is that he's a weirdo. One of my friends told me I should ask him out for coffee. But I fear if I do this, it'll only confirm my suspicions that he's a weirdo and then I'll end up having to give him that awkward "I'm just not interested in you" talk b/c I was the one who asked him out first.

The other weird thing is that I saw him tonight. Not at the gym(cause you know there's no way I'm going there on a sun), but at the gas station where I decided to go fill up my tank before going to get my movie (the gas station is next door). The weird thing is that he was there at all b/c he lives far away from there (at least 15min or more) whereas I live 5 min from there. The gas is cheaper there than at most stations and he drives an Audi which needs premium grade so maybe it's worth it to him to drive that far. I always wonder about people driving around (wasting gas) to find the cheapest gas. Surely it'd be cheaper to get gas closest to you than to drive further for it. imho, but what do I know. From our conversations...where he never asks me for my number or asks me out...I don't think we have much in common other than the fact that our parents are from the same country. Plus with every meeting, he's becoming less cute and more weird. He totally came up behind me at the gym the other day and I was like "whoa, don't sneak up on me". What does he think? that we have thing now? That he can get into my personal space and I'd be ok with that. Maybe I'm the one who's weird. I just don't think this guy is it.

I have a totally inappropriate crush on a guy at work - he's 22. I'm sure it'll pass. He's funny and and sarcastic and so quick-witted. And 22. I try not to visit his lab anymore so I don't see him much. This is for the best. I couldn't even think about dating this guy ever. Even if he was interested in someone 10 yrs older. He's way too young. Plus, he's a co-worker in my former lab and that would just make me fodder for the rumor mills. Who needs that? I sure don't. I only bring this up b/c I was telling T while we were out at lunch about my crush. Well I started to say " I think my crush is fading, this is good". She said "oooh, the guy from the gym?" And I was like "not him, no way, he's barely even cute anymore, I don't have a crush on him at all. I was talking about a guy here at work". I planned to keep his name to myself for as long as possible. Well until the crush goes away completely. Any day now, it's bound to happen.

I just don't know what to think or do about this guy at the gym. I actually have a name for him - dorkyD. It's a little mean, I know. In my defense all I can say is that, no guy who was interested in me before waited this long to ask for my number. Not even the weirdos. Actually, the weirdos always want my number asap or give me theirs if I refuse to give them mine. The longer he waits, it'll be 3 weeks mon. Granted I only see him a couple times a week at the gym and I only went once last week. I have seen him randomly before though. At the grocery - again far away from where hw claims he lives. Well he has to pass 4 or 5 other groceries to shop at that one. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was stalking me.

I gotta stop this train of thought - obviously, I'm tired and should go to bed now.

motivation

Trying on swim suits are a great way to motivate yourself into going to the gym.

I was in Target over the weekend and saw a few suits on sale. Tried on a couple (different sizes)and ummm I just put them back and got out of there as fast as I could. Why? It's called back-fat. I have it. It's not pretty. While I do think that the style of the suits were probably not suited to my body shape, I didn't expect them to look that awful from the back. They were one-piece suits with the back cut out. I think a tankini-style suit is probably more my style.

In my head I figured that if I lost ~5lbs I'd be fine...near if not at my optimum weight...anymore than that and I'd start wasting away(or so I thought). The back-fat tells another story though. Maybe I could stand to lose more like 10-15 lbs after all. According to the BMI/body fat charts/calculators, my optimal weight is 25-30lbs less than I weigh. I don't think I need to lose that much. I think I have a medium frame and as such could stand to have more weight than they allow for my height. My actual weight(number) is not what I really care about, I think being able to fit into clothes comfortably would be nice. Not to be hanging over my jeans/belt would also be good. Not to have several creases in my back, ideal. And if I could minimize the love handles to the point where I don't have to name them, perfect.

Finally the kick I needed to get back to the gym. Every day I kept telling myself that today's the day...today's the day that I go back to the gym...but today never seemed to come. I'd end up staying at work too late or be too hungry or too tired or just plain not-in-the-mood. Tonight, no more excuses. I worked out for an hour incl wieght machines/warm up and cool down.

My feet are killing me. My lower back and hamstrings don't feel too great either. Might have done a little too much. That's me, all or nothing. No moderation. Nothing in between.

Another reason I was reluctant getting back to the gym was that I didn't want to answer questions like...were you on vacation? thought you moved? Got a few of those but I had answers ready..."yes I was on vacation [from the gym hehe"] or "yes, it's been a while hasn't it". :) No big deal really. Stuff like this always seems like a bigger deal in my head that they work out to be in reality. I don't always remember that.

I did see a guy that I normally say "hi" to whenever I see him at the gym. I've also bumped into this same guy at the grocery store. I kept telling myself that one of these days he's going to have enough courage to actually come up to me and speak :)
Today was totally that day. He saw me and waved and I waved back. Then to my surprise, he walked right over (from the other side of the gym, I might add) and said more than hello. He said "long time no see", etc. I kinda told him about my recent motivation in brief...trying on swim suits, just the motivation I needed to get back to working out. He said - what do you mean? you look very attractive, you don't need to worry about it at all". Isn't that sweet? We chatted for a bit while I worked on a few machines. He and I have something in common. His parents are also from T&T. We had a nice chat. He also asked if I had been on vacation somewhere b/c I seemed to have gotten darker. I told him about my trip home 4 mths ago. The main reason I'm darker now is because there is actual sunshine and I have been walking outside whenever the weather allows. I got a great deal of sun this past weekend as I went walking with T in the morning on Sat. It was great. We walked for about an hour then sat outside a local coffeehouse, with iced tea and bagels, before walking back to her house. I was also outside during prime sunshine hrs on Sun. So great after the many days of rain we had early last week.

I'm in pain, time for some advil, I think, then bed.