More stuff on my mind

Sometimes I feel the need to censor myself. I really like having a blog though. A lot of what I say here, I find it hard to talk about or think that no one cares so why tell them. But it's great to get it out though. The silly things, the mundane, the profound (at least imho :)
If people aren't interested, they can always leave without reading much and I won't know or be hurt by their disinterest. Whereas friends will try to be polite and pretend they care about what you have to say even if they don't.

I was thinking about my doctor's visit yesterday. The nurse asked me about the medications that I was taking, so I listed them all out - albuterol, advair (500/50), flonase and yasmin birth control pills. It makes me feel a little weird. I'm not sure if the weirdness is b/c I'm Catholic and birth control is one of the big no-no's. That may be part of it. Or maybe talking about birth control b/c I'm not taking them for birth control. Or if its b/c its makes me seem more normal. I'm taking them for the horribly painful periods I have. They have been helping. The awful pain which would start the day before and last 3 days. Cramps so bad the only position that's not unbearable is the fetal position. These have been reduced to just one day and b/c my cycle is regulated now i.e. predictable, the pain usu occurs on a fri, usu in the evening. So at least I'm at home and don't have to be at work or have to miss work b/c of it. The wonders of modern medicine.

I've spent my life feeling different, yet trying to fit in or at least to appear to fit in. I was watching mass on EWTN and during his sermon, the priest said, "we are called, as Catholics, not to fit in, but to stand out". I think this can apply to anyone though. I saw this 2-3wks ago and it made me stop and think and I've been thinking about it a lot. When you spend your life trying to fit in or rather pretending that you fit in, and then someone says you don't have to, even that you're not supposed to. It kinda blows my mind in a way. The idea of it.

Sometimes, you talk to your friends and they casually say things that they probably don't even remember. Things that are hurtful to you. For me, a friend asked me why I go to church, then her bf chimed in that he couldn't understand it either. They kept going on about this for 10 minutes (we were driving to a game). At the end of this conversation, I said, "you act like my wanting to go to church is some kind of disease". And they said - "well isn't it". I felt then that they had very little respect for me as a person. That may have been a slight overreaction on my part. I freely admit that I tend to see the most dramatic reason for things rather than what might be most obvious.

Personally, I like going to church often, I get a lot out of the mass itself. Plus I go to choir and I really enjoy singing and there's a sense of comunity that I feel. For other people, these things aren't important. Which is fine, I don't believe that everyone has to have the same feelings as I do or that we should all be Catholic or all go to church. I do believe that we are called by the same God in many different faiths, paths and ways. I think belief in a higher power above our human existence is what's really important whether you call it God or Yahweh or Buddha or Allah or Vishnu or have no name for it but you know it exists. For them, they didn't understand where I'm coming from even though I don't push my faith on others and I don't judge my friends based on it, it seemed like they were judging me based on mine. This is probably partly true. But we can't really know what's behind other people's words unless we ask for clarification. And sometimes, not even then. So I just have to make of it what I will. And deal with it and accept it and them. And move on from there.

This happened maybe 3 or 4 months ago. I repress things a lot. When stuff like that happens, I tend to lock it away in my mind, I don't deal, can't deal sometimes. Most of it bubbles to the surface eventually. This came to me today b/c I had a long conversation with this friend, she was having some issues and later on today she told me that talking to me about it helped. That's when I remembered.

Sometimes, I feel like such a weirdo. And I'm not entirely sure if that's ok or not. Or if I'm ok with it. Most of the time, I like the idea of being different, not ordinary.

The Avril Lavigne song "anything but ordinary" says it all

....sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out...