updates

It has been an age since I've been on here. Life is busy.
Work...
Work is blah. So I'm on a new project, in a new lab (not so new, just over 4 weeks) and it kinda feels like I'm in hell. Ok, so I'm exaggerating a bit. It just doesn't feel right. I don't recall ever feeling this out of place for so long after joining a new project. Plus I had to move to a new writing area as well and my new cubicle mate is a weirdo. Harsh but true. She is always talking but she mumbles and talks in half-whispers and most of the time I'm not sure if she is even talking to me. So now, I just ignore everything she says unless she says it twice...like blah, blah, blah (pause), Petra blah, blah, blah...then I know she means me and is not just talking out loud to herself again. She is always looking over my shoulder at my computer screen and making comments. WTF? All I need is a little alone time at lunch to eat in peace. I barely take 30min lunch most days. The other drawback of my new cubicle area is that people in nearby cubicles talk on their phones a lot and they leave their stupid ringers on (when they are not there) instead of putting the damn things on vibrate. Also, there are 9 other people sitting in cubicles further back from mine - so they and anyone who is visiting them have to walk past my area to get there. So now I pop my head phones in, Ipod on and slowly, they are getting the message to give me a little peace and keep on walking.
I miss my old lab. I miss my old cubicle area which was a corner one, not on the way to anyone else's - only 4 of us were in that area. It was bliss.
Also, there is the added annoyance of people making comments every day about the time I'm eating lunch. Like it is any of their business. I eat a mid-morning snack at 10:30 and then have lunch b/t 12:30 and 1pm most days. Somedays a little later or earlier depending on how my reactions are going in lab and whether I'm at an easy stopping point or not. I want to tell them to leave me the fuck alone. That's what I want to say. I really need to exercise b/c in my head is all this negative energy from these people. Note: every time I'm typed the word "people" I really wanted to type "fuckers". That's how I think of them in my head. I don't normally swear like that or think about random hostile comments like that but lately it's all I think.
In addition to all this nonsense, less than 15% of my reactions have worked. I know this b/c I have to create these stupid excel tables about them now - in my new project/dept. Overall, work kinda sucks now.

I can't wait to go on vacation. Only 6 more days and then 2 weeks away. I'm going to my sister in England again and my Mum and younger sisters are also making the trip. It'll be good b/c we haven't all been together for Christmas in 4 years.
I have spent more than I planned but starting in Jan I plan to eat out much less frequently and see fewer movies then put that money towards paying off my credit cards. I have been spending the extra money I'm making at my 2nd job instead of putting it towards the cards. But it's ok. I'm not panicked about it.
I just have to figure out how to pack it all :)

I went to see Trans-Siberian orchestra this past weekend and it was a fantastic show. Five of us went and I got to sit next to my current crush Q. I still haven't made any progress past him being a crush yet but I'm still hopeful...most days.

I have a cold. It was only a matter of time since everyone in my immediate working area have been coughing/sneezing/blowing their nose for the past 3 weeks. I left work early Friday b/c I felt so bad and also called out sick at my 2nd job Sat. I spent the day sleeping/eating/taking sudafed and tussin. My voice was mostly gone. Now it has progressed to a runny nose and more progressive cough. I'm hoping to be over it before I have to fly next week. My ears are popping like crazy. I hope that this doesn't become an ear infection. I'm still hoarse and for most of the day almost feel ok. As the day progressed at work, it might be that I'm getting tired sooner b/c I'm sick but I just feel like crap by 5pm. I actually left right at 5pm today.

This week is super busy. I'm finally going to see "Twilight" tomorrow night - I read the book and am excited to see Patterson play Edward.
I also have a work holiday party Thurs(we're going bowling :) then my friend and I are meeting to sample this cool new chocolate-Boc beer she bought, then I have a hair appt later that night.
Fri is when I plan to get some laundry done after work.
Sat I am working 8-4 at my 2nd job then I have 2 parties, one starts early and the other will surely end late so I think I can easily do both.

fun dinner

I just came home from dinner with the new guy Q. He's not my guy. It was not a date even though he paid. I followed him to drop his car off to local dealership then I was going to drop him home. That's when he asked what my plans were for dinner and said we could get something together and it'd be his treat. In spite of the fact it was a non-date, it was very enjoyable for me. I think he had fun as well. We got a chance to talk about ourselves and our lives...stuff we normally wouldn't mention casually while we're at work. He finally mentioned the ex in passing.

I went out dancing last Sat until the wee hours of the morning (3ish) and lost my cell somewhere in the back of the taxi we came back to my apt in. This was kinda sucky but not the end of the world. My plan has been off contract since May and I was eligible for a new phone anyway. The most inconvenient thing was that all my numbers in the phone that I lost were not written down anywhere else. Plus I got this cute guy's number. I will post the story of that later...it's pretty funny. I am a really funny drunk :)

In other news

I bumped into C at the grocery store tonight. This is the guy who I had a semi-crush on in college. He went ot grad school here and we met up again and hung out a few times. He promised to call and didn't. I got mad and refused to call him. Met up and hung out with him at my 5th college reunion. You know how sometimes a guy can go from cute to hot in 30sec? He totally did while we were dancing and it was memorable. Lots of kissing. Not much more than that. Promised to really keep in touch this time but didn't. I tried to invite him out to a movie through facebook but apparently his pc was down, he didn't get my message/respond to me until like 6wks later. Still, it's all bygones to me now. I'm all about Q. Still, he was a very good kisser.
So when I saw him today at the checkout I kinda smiled to myself and we chatted a bit once he was done as well. We'd actually parked directly opposite each other in the parking lot. Weird. He's looking for another job and might well be leaving the area in a couple months. We both said this time that we'd try to get together for coffee or something soon.
I'm just going to leave it. If he does manage to get in touch with me, I'll just wait and see. He can get in touch with me if he wants. He does have my number and my email, etc and is on my facebook friend list.

fit to be tied

So I keep going back and forth with whether or not Q is into me. It's like when you were a kid with a flower pulling petals going - he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me. Actually mine goes more like - he totally wants me...he is so not into me...he liiikes me...he only sees me as a buddy...and so on.
I am slowly going insane sometimes with my internal dialogue.
He waited for me so we could walk to our cars together 3 times last week and we chatted for another 10min or so after we got to our cars.

Q and I went out for dinner and drinks with another friend of ours last Fri. The service sucked, they were understaffed, but what made me really upset at the time was two other things. One, said friend (SF) invited a new friend of his supposedly to eat with us. She showed up 90min late and then said she wasn't planning to eat and that she almost didn't come out at all. WTF? SF also didn't know what he wanted by the time the waiter finally made it to our table which didn't help either. So we finally got our food mostly cold 2 hrs after I'd arrived. I was not happy about either of these things. What really made me mad though was this random girl who my friend invited was chatting up Q. Right in front of my face. True, she had no way of knowing that I'm interested and therefore he is off-limits. Rationally I know this. In that moment though, I wanted to say, "step off bitch, step OFF!". Luckily I only had 1 and 1/2 beers and was in no way drunk enough to spew any of the crap going on in my anger-infused brain. Yeah, there was one other feeling. This feeling I had was somewhat alien to me. Jealousy. Pure and simple.

I really wanted to have dinner with just Q but I didn't think he'd go for that. Plus it's not part of my subtle plan. So I changed the time we were supposed to meet from 7 to 8 to accommodate SF b/c he said he couldn't meet us before 8pm. SF who managed to get there 10min before me. He had called Q and given him a lift there since they live close to each other. Nice of him, huh? Did SF call me as well so I could get there at the same them as them? No, he did not. He did call random girl though to invite her but not me.

After all this, I'd spent $29. What did this buy me? Mediocre, lukewarm food, 2 ok beers and internal anger and jealousy over some random girl I hope never to see again. She is apparently just starting grad school and she is studying a pseudo-science. I don't know what else to call it. I won't write it b/c maybe someone will be randomly googling it and find my blog. Might even be someone I know. So I guess that's all I'll be saying about that.

Anyhoo, I wasn't going to blog about Fri night. At least it wasn't my intention to do so. I guess it was still festering inside and I had to get some more of it out.

new game show

My friend told me about this new game show "hole in the wall". But seriously, you have to see it to believe it. Truly ridiculous. I have several questions. How are you supposed to shape yourself into an arrow pointing right? Can the human body contort into such a shape? Doubtful. Must they wear those shiny, silver, skintight bodysuits? Could they not have come up with something waterproof (since they get dunked in a pool of green liquid when they can't contort themselves to fit the "hole" in the moving wall) that was not so...so...revealing. It's abit much really. Still, watching these peopls in those ridiculous suits get shoved into the green pool...priceless.

the word on my current crush

He moved to the area recently and didn't know anyone other than a couple other people who work with us. So when he asked me what there was to do here - I invited him out to our Thurs night happy hour. He's been hanging out with us ever since. Now I have just got to figure out a way for him and I to hang out alone...without sounding like a spaz...very difficult.

My crush, let's call him Q, coincidentally has the same given name as the last guy I dated but fortunately goes by a different nick-name. Weird, I know.

He has family/friends in the Northeast but they live 3-5hrs away. He's away this weekend :( He and I have been having lots of conversations about everything. I'm trying not to act completely gaga over him since I am around my other co-workers most of the time when we talk.
The wedding I'm going to in Oct - he is also invited. I have this vague plan in my head to make a major move towards him then. That is, if nothing has progressed between us by then.

I have date tomorrow. Sort of a date - I'm meeting this guy I met online at okcupid for coffee and a walk. He's a vegetarian who loves the outdoors. I told me friend this and she laughed and said, "your exact oppositte, well I guess opposites do atract."
Yeah, I know, I have a crush and this sounds counter-productive. I'm not really on okcupid to meet guys. I like taking their silly tests and answering their stupid questions. However lots of guys feel the need to write me anyway. For some reason I'm a big hit with the 20-yr olds. I pointed out to one of them that I was 13 yrs older than him. He didn't seem to care. But I certainly do, ugh, in a word.
I also recently created a profile again on yahoo. I did this b/c I am insane. Insane, I tell you. I keep going between 2 main thoughts...
1) Q is totally interested in me and is just biding his time until he asks me out,
2) Q is not interested in me at all and only talks to me b/c I know other single people our age and he wants to meet others.
My problem with this is - aren't I enough? Why does he need to meet other people when he has already met me? Why?
Doesn't that sound like insanity to you? So to try to calm myself down and also reassure myself that I'm still desirable/guys want to date me(even if they aren't guys I actually want to date) - I created a profile again on yahoo and actually started responding to the mail I get on okcupid.

So the coffee date tomorrow...I don't really want to go but I'm going. Actually he want us to get coffee then go for a walk. I'm supposed to meet up with a friend later on so I have someplace to go if I need to cut things short.

My friend G, for some reason wants to go out tomorrow with one of the interns who worked at our company this summer. Said something about how he might have hot friends. My problem with this - he might, but they are likely barely 21. Just too young for me to contemplate in any way. I just don't get why she thinks it'd be fun to hang out with a bunch of boys who are barely out of college. Plus instead of going to our usual hangout - where I could invite Q and another buddy of ours S to meet us - they are planning to go somewhere downtown as yet undetermined. I hate half-assed plans made by others at the last minute. Yeah, so I'm supposed to be meeting them later on tomorrow night somewhere. This also means that I can't makes plans to hang with Q since I told G, I'd meet her. Can't wait till tomorrow...

I'm off to bed now. With all the hrs I've been working, I'm trying to get extra sleep, well, at least 7hrs or so per night.

movie night

I went to the movies tonight and saw "House Bunny". Anna Faris has such great comedic timing. I laughed and laughed until my sides hurt at one point. For once, all the jokes were not given away in the trailer and I truly enjoyed this. I would not say it was the best movie ever and it certainly is not the worst. I have seen far worse movies than this - the Year of The Dog, for one - that did make me laugh half as much as this.

The only thing funnier I've seen this year was Don't Mess with the Zohan. I don't normally enjoy Adam Sandler's movies. They are just too much for me, too predictable for one. The Zohan was hilarious and I really laughed until I had tears in my eyes.
I don't like satire or overly predictable comedy - you know the in-your-face kind that you don't need a brain to get. Almost as if there is a laugh track. I hate those movies. I'm my own person. Just because the critics love it, doesn't sell me on a movie. I make that decision myself. After all, I know what I like way better than any critic out there.
For example, I saw "Wall-E" against my initial instincts. It got such great reviews right? My friend who saw it with me, loved it. I was so bored. The first 30 min were fine and I might have enjoyed it more if it ended at that point. I actually fell asleep during most of it and woke up at the end. This rarely happens. I see a lot of movies and I've slept through 3 of them - Wall-E, Atonement, and Scoop. I don't think Scoop was all that boring but I was exhausted and still went out to a night movie anyway when I went to see it. Atonement, two words...snooze-fest. I'm not saying it's a bad movie but just not for me - I saw it with 3 other people who loved it. And when they explained to me why I could almost see it. Almost.
I think the short film they showed before Wall-E was far more entertaining imho.

I still haven't seen the Dark Knight - just too much hype. I will see it eventually on DVD. Tropic Thunder, I will not be seeing. Why can't they get a black actor? Why does Robert Downey junior have to play a black man? I just don't get that. Pineapple Express might be funny but I'm not sure if it's my kinda funny. SO I'll wait for that on DVD as well.

Real life getting in the way of blogging

I have been busy lately. In the last 10 days, I have...

- completed a large-scale multi-step synthesis and met the deadline for shipment
- completed and presented slides for said synthesis
- left work @ 3pm to catch a train to NYC
- been to a huge family wedding (250+ people) in NYC
- taken over 100 pictures of family at said wedding
- had an apple martini for the first time
- realized that 7 apple martinis + 1 cosmopolitan is more than a person my size should ever consume in 4hrs
- been violently sick from said drinks and had a sore throat for 2 days as a result
- decided not to drink apple martinis again...ever!
- played Cranium with friends and discovered that I have a knack for drawing with my eyes closed
- cleaned my turtle's tank
- went to work at my part-time job at 7am on a Sat
- been to Philadelphia for a 2-day chemistry course
- stayed 3nights in a hotel in Philly
- had 6-8 cups of tea each day to be awake for 8hrs of chemistry
- had trouble sleeping due to excessive caffeine intake during the day
- saw the Liberty Bell
- taken many touristy pictures incl. one of a giant clothes-pin in Philly :)
- eaten a fake "Philly" cheese-steak
- watched Olympics...Phelps-8 medals, Bolt-fastest man, Thompson-Silver medals in track and field for Trinidad, Nadal-first Gold medal in tennis
- did laundry
- completed 2 reactions in the 2 days since I got back from Philly Wed
- eaten a to-die-for chocolate mousse cake when my group went out for lunch today

Is it any wonder that I am exhausted. the plan for tonight is to stay in and finish a couple books I started recently.

As for my latest crush. We are friends now, we hang out. I think it is possible that he might like me too. It's difficult for me to be positive about this. It's difficult b/c no one that I've felt this way about before has liked me in the same way. He sat next to me at lunch today and that was very cool b/c it's a large group of us (12) who were at lunch so he could have sat anywhere. We left work at the same time tonight (5:30p - earliest I've left on a Fri in a long time) and we walked out together. The really cool thing is that I had said good bye to him earlier and was at my desk, shutting my computer off when he came over and said hi and then we walked out together. When we got to our cars, we stood there talking for another 20min. I have it really bad. There's just something about him that appeals to me on so many levels. It's a little scary. I'm being cool, friendly but not overtly so. I'm trying for subtle. Even though subtle is so foreign to me, I'm trying. If there is the slightest chance that this could work I want to do everything I can.
Some days, I just want to go up to him and tell him how I feel. Actually, I want to do a lot more than just tell him but that would of course not be subtle. So I'm waiting...and hoping...

random stuff update

It's been an age since I felt like posting anything. Lots has been going on, some interesting, some not.

I went to a concert yesterday sponsored by a local radio station and it was a lot of fun. It was a $30 ticket for 10 bands/performers. I only really wanted to see 4 of them but we stayed through most of them from 11:30am-8pm, at which point we'd had enough sun and music. My favorites were Sum41, Ace young(yes, he is even more gorgeous than when we last saw on Idol 2 yrs ago), Simple Plan and Natasha Bedenfield. Everyone else was ok or just boring.

My friend got very burnt. I asked her the day before if she planned on wearing sunscreen and she said maybe on her face(boy was she sorry last night - she even had patches of scorched skin on her feet). I actually meant to wear some on my arms at least since I haven't been exposed to any serious sun in a long time but I forgot. My arms were burning a bit last night, especially my left one and when I looked at it last night, I could see why...




My arms are usually the color of my shoulders and even though I wear short sleeves every day, there is not normally a contrast. I did have the presence of mind to wear jeans and a hat/shades for most of the day (my friend wore sleeveless tank and shorts - not so good for her). I'd considered wearing a tank top but thought I shouldn't b/c it was supposed to be 81° and very sunny. So I was mostly covered but wished I had put some sunscreen on my arms, they are kinda itchy today. I am so not used to real sun anymore.

I am in a weird mood today. I should have gone to church, but it was rainy with lots of thunder and lightning and I didn't want to drive through that. Of course if I had gotten ready anyway, I could have gone b/c now the sun is suddenly shining and all the rain is gone. I might try to go tonight. I say that but I never seem to do so if I miss the earlier service. Sigh.

Yesterday was a fun day. The only thing that sort of marred it was another friend of ours (who didn't go to the concert with us). I was telling her about G's sunburn and mentioned that my arm was kinda warm and itchy as well. She said, why are you talking about your sunburn(as if it was preposterous for me to do so), G's is so much worse, why are even mentioning yours? Well, for one thing, you are supposed to be my friend and listen when I say something.
This girl is always thinking the worse of everything I do. I don't know why she wants to be my friend. The things she says sometimes indicate otherwise. Maybe she doesn't, but doesn't have anyone else to hang out with/who will come pick her up(since she doesn't have a car) and that's why she still says she wants to hang out. I have been feeling this way about this girl all year. She's supposed to be taking a temporary position at another site for a few months and lately I've been thinking that I can't wait till she goes. I don't think it was always this way. But it is definitely this way lately. I don't know what I did or if I did anything that's made her so passive-aggressive towards me. But you know what, I don't care anymore. I just want to have friends I can talk to who don't second guess everything I say. I feel like I need to censor the things I tell her b/c she always seems to be judging me negatively. I can't just talk or vent or anything.

I was telling her about a work colleague who gets upset whenever she makes a grammar mistake (English is not her first language). I found it amusing that she gets upset about it b/c in general her English is pretty flawless. My friend interpreted my saying and her response was "you make fun of her for making grammar mistakes, shame on you". I had to say, no, I don't make fun of her, I think it's funny that she is upset about something so minor. She started back-tracking at that moment, "oh I'm sorry I thought that". Right. I mean she misunderstood me and immediately came up with a negative interpretation of the situation. There have been many instances like that. I just don't understand where it's coming from and frankly I just want it/her to go away. I don't want to have to deal with it. It hurts my feelings and I don't need that shit. I just don't. Another favorite thing she says lately is "you don't have to defend yourself". It's like her new thing. I want to say (and have said), "I'm not defending myself, I'm just expanding on my point". I have not changed but she certainly has and I don't care for it. I don't care for it at all.

I recently got my green card(which is not really green :). This is really great for several reasons. One is that traveling will be easier b/c I won't have to get approval each time I return. Two, I can go to Canada without having to apply for a $100 visa. Three(and the one I care about most)is that with it I can get a second job which I have been considering for a while. Before I had it, I could only work legally with my work permit at my current job, no where else. With it I have more options. So I decided to get another job now that I can, part-time of course, at a local pharmacy. It is mostly cashier duty ~10-15hr a week. I've done two shifts so far and boy was I exhausted at the end of the week. What with my regular 50hr job, it was tiring. The register is fairly easy and they say I'm a natural.

I can really do with the extra cash (it pays a couple $ above minimum wage) and I can put it directly towards my credit cards. I already have pretty decent interest rates on them (10.9% is the highest one)I just want to get them paid off sooner and I think this will help a lot. I expect that I should be able to pay off most of them within a couple years or so if I put an extra $200 towards them every month. I'm planning to pay off the lower balances first. Once I do this, I can consider traveling home again. Lately, the cost is $1200/ticket. I can't afford that. I'd have to put it on a credit card. I am determined to pay them off before incurring anymore debt. I did pay for a trip in October - my friend's getting married in Vegas, but that's the last thing until I pay them off. Once I get most of them paid off, that'll be another $300-400 I could be saving instead.
Another good thing that will help is that my car loan will be paid off by next year freeing up another ~$200/mth. I can't sleep sometimes thinking about my debt. I've been so exhausted lately though that insomnia has not been an issue.

I have also not been to the gym in a while, I think I've been 2x since June began. Not enough. I've got to get back on track with that.

A new guy started a week ago and he's in my group at work and I have a crush. I feel kinda silly about it - more details later(if there are more details).

hello world

This is the first time I've had internet access at home for more than 5 min in nearly 2 weeks. I can barely contain myself...my internet provider is supposed to come out on Mon to check to see if they can fix whatever is wrong.

At first I thought it was my pc acting up. So I tinkered with it a bit and no change. After a couple days it finally occurred to me that maybe I should check my internet provider. Last Sun, I kept calling them and each time, they'd have me so different things, check the modem/ turn it off then back on as well as several things using the command prompt window. They all worked...temporarily for 2-5min. As soon as I hung up, bam...internet connection lost.

I hope it lasts a while but I don't think it will based on what has happened all week. Funnily enough, my antivirus software seems happy enough and even kept saying there was "traffic". I was screaming at it - how can there be "traffic" if I can't connect to the internet. It was very frustating.

Added to this was the fact that the demon spawn masquerading as my neighbors kid downstairs stomped up and down for several hours all weekend long. They must be feeding him pure sugars and dyes. Not a moment's peace. I have to move. I am moving. I just have to find an apt. I've been checking craigslist but most of the suitable ones are available now or in Jun. My lease isn't up till end of July so I'm going to keep looking.

I have another cold or something. Last Tues I had sore throat and fever. I stayed home Wed and slept/ate chicken soup. Felt a bit better and have been to work every day since. But I still have a sore throat. Now, I also have a cough/hoarseness/constant need to clear my throat/as well as fliud in my ears
. I meant to call my doc today but I'm just so sick of being sick. This is like my 6th cold of the year. It sucks and I've had enough of being sick. I can't ignore this sore throat any longer. I am going to have to call my doc tomorrow.

latest tunes

I bought this Tonic CD "Lemon Parade" 5yrs ago I think, mainly b/c it was on saleand had that song "If You Could Only See". I didn't really listen to anything else on it. Recently I picked it up to listen in the car. There are 3 other tracks on it that I play repeatedly of late. "Mountain" is one I just can't get enough of. this morning on my 20min drive to work I listened to it on repeat 4 times. "Casual Affair" and "Open Up Your Eyes" are also good.

I was chatting with a couple regulars at the local beer hangout - one of them came in with horrible sun-burn. Serious peeling. So I asked the obvious question - were you not wearing sunscreen? to which he replied - do I look like I was wearing sunscreen. My disbelief stems from the fact that this guy is very pale normally, his eyebrows are see-through. I could not believe that he'd even consider going in the sun without slapping on at least an SPF 30. I wear sunscreen and I'm black. I use an SPF 15 moisturizer on my face b/c who needs more wrinkles than necessary, right? Yesterday I went to CVS looking for some general sunscreen for my legs and arms which will be seeing a lot of extra sun now that Spring/Sun is here. I got some SPF 30 stuff. What I found mind-boggling is that there were tons of SPF 30 and 45 stuff but most of the SPF 4(I didn't even know this existed) and SPF 10 was gone. Why is anyone buying SPF 4? People seem way more concerned with being tanned than they are with skin cancer. I don't know why this concerns me but it does.

random thoughts

I ran into the dimwit stalker aka the eager-beaver today outside my chinese fastfood place.

FYI - I call him the dimwit stalker b/c his name is a couple letters off from "dimwit" and he just doesn't seem to get it. it's a little mean but it's what I changed his name to in my phone so I could recognize whenever he called me.
anyway, I digress...I saw him as I was parking in the lot behind the take-out place. So I called in my order from the car, then called my friend hoping he'd leave without me having to 'chat'. No such luck. I got out of my car after 5min to go inside to get my order when he suddenly stopped talking on his phone (he was standing near his car and talking while I was in my car). He said hi. I said hi(damn polite manners instilled in me from childhood) while walking. He asked me if I know this girl he teaches (he has asked me about this poor girl about 5 times - every time he's seen me since I decided not to date him again) I say "poor girl" b/c she works at the same company as me and she's one of the couriers so I know who she is and she knows who I am but we don't really chat, we're not friends.
This girl told me that he kept asking her if she knew me(he taught a class she took at a local college). I told her that "yeah, I know who he is, he really should leave you alone, because really....". She laughed, I laughed, so maybe she won't hold his latent stalking against me when she delivers mail to my box. Maybe.

Anyhoo, today he asks me again if I know her. I say yes. He then asks me to tell her hi. Yeah I'm going to do that...never! He then tells me to "keep in touch, don't be a stranger". It is a shame that we live in close proximity and shop at the same grocery and get Chinese take-out at the same place. Shame for me anyway but I refuse to let him stop me from doing what I normally would b/c he's a weirdo.

In other news, she finally admitted to having a crush on the guy I like (Jim). I totally have dibs. Not that it matters since I'm fairly certain that he's not interested in either of us. I told her she could ask him how he feels about her if she wants to know but I can't be involved in any way. I think I can deal with that and not destroy our friendship. She is my friend and I won't allow my jealousy to get in the way of that. I would normally offer to help but not in this case since my feelings are also involved.

He lets me flirt with him and I feel very comfortable with him. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that he and and I are not really suited. I think we can be good friends though. It's kinda nice to have guy friend to hug regularly whenever I feel like it. Plus he's quick and clever and gets all of the references I make and usually finds them funny too. He's not perfect but who is. I do like him and am just going to enjoy our friendship as it is. I want more, at least I think I do.

Sometimes I wonder if I subconsciously choose to like guys who are unattainable intentionally. And if that is so, maybe I will choose the right one someday, when I am ready for a real relationship as opposed to a fantasy one.

Sometimes I think I'd like to have a quick fling with him (or maybe not so quick ;). I am very attracted to him. But that's not me, it's just not something I'd do unless I was very, very, very drunk. A state I am determined to avoid in the near and immediate future. This is easy normally. When we go out Thursday/Sat nights, as we've been doing recently, I drive there and have to drive home afterwards. This means 1 drink on Thursday nights since we're only out for 3-4hrs and about 2 drinks on Sat. nights - I usu steal sips from my friends drinks if they have something different from me. We're usu out from 8:30 till 1 or 2am so there's plenty of time for my barely 5' body to process that alcohol. I am normally very social but one drink is usu enough for me to be extra flirty and clever :)

Our nightly outings have led to some really cool meetings with people I probably would not have met any other way. I even met group of Aussie rugby players a couple weeks ago. They were all wearing shorts even though it was maybe 35-40° outside. Why were they in upstate NY to play rugby? I can't imagine and didn't ask but I'm sure am glad they came. I of course walked up to one of them and asked him if he was an Aussie(after hearing his accent drift over) - to which he replied, "Yeah, I'm an Aussie" in his wonderful accent. This guy had slightly long, curly blond hair and pretty blue eyes, maybe 6'3" and was very well built. I then had to ask him to say something to me in his wonderful accent. He asked "what do you want me say?" I said, say " I love you..." and he said it. I then continued talking to him and another Aussie guy for the rest of the night.

My friend Z says "you are such a flirt". It's true. I am, but of course there is a line and I don't go home home or make out with any of these random guys I flirt with but it's kinda nice to talk to cute guys and have them respond in kind. Not all of the guys are cute and funny, sadly. Some are annoying but mostly they are a nice bunch and there are 'regulars' we usu see there. It's a great beer-bar.

Of course my 5-yr college reunion is coming up next month. I do plan to drink, of course, but probably just enough to get and keep my buzz going - probably in the ballpark of 2-4 drinks a night. At least that's the plan. I'm really hoping that my crush from college comes to reunion (Lit). I have this idea that after 5yrs, he'll suddenly realize what a fool he was to reject me back then and will beg me to give a him another chance. A girl can dream, can't she? Dreams don't cost anything.
Speaking of dreams, I should be having a few now...off to bed.

new tunes

I recently finished reading "The Outlaw Demon Wails"...Kim Harrison's 6th book in her Rachel Morgan series. It was totally worth the wait. It about this witch who lives with a vampire and a pixy family in an old church and the world she calls the Hollows. It's a great read if you're into that kind of fiction - urban fantasy it's called. If you like books about vampires/witches/elves/werewolves and the like, this series might be for you.

I read about how music inspires her on her site and recently bought a new CD based on this - Best of Corvus Corax (cool review here). It is the coolest sound I've heard in a while. If you hate bagpipes, it's probably not for you. They are a medieval rock band. I didn't even know that such bands existed. They totally rock though. If there was rock music back then, it would have sounded like this.

This is the kind of music they should have used in the movie "A Knight's Tale". Maybe I would have liked the movie if they had. Even if they still had them play "we will rock you", it would have been better on medieval instruments. The electric guitars and drum kits really killed it for me. But I digress.

Here's a YouTube video set to one of my fav songs on the CD "Mille Anni Passi Sunt". The track Harrison mentioned was "Filii Neidhardi" which is another fav of mine as it reminded her of one the elves in the story.

I can't keep still when I hear most of the tracks on this CD.

in the moment

That guy from the gym finally asked me out. It only took him a year or so. He asked if he could take me out for my bday which is next week. So we went out tonight and it was much more fun than I anticipated. We chatted for quite a while - we met just after 7pm and had a wait for our table but by 7:40 we were seated. We left at 10pm. The time just flew by. He suggested that we should do this again. I agreed. I didn't have high expectations for dinner so I am kind of surprised at how much I enjoyed tonight.
If nothing else comes of it, that's fine. I'm trying to live more in the moment, enjoying each good one as it comes and trying not to look too far ahead.

mixed bag

I'm doing better this week than I was last week. Well, as far as the (my)paranoia is concerned. This is a plus. I also went to the gym Fri night and did my 20min weight training plus 55min on the treadmill. I did interval jogging in between my brisk walking. I'm so outta shape that I could only jog for 1-2min at a time but that's ok. It's a start.
I'm in a much more reasonable frame of mind - what with all the endorphins I released on Fri.

On Mon, I texted SP(guy from the bar I'm interested in) to ask how his Easter was. Well, he didn't see fit to text me back until Thurs night. Yep, and in this text, he tells me that he's sorry for not answering me back sooner but "he didn't look at his phone until late Mon night and forgot". So he didn't think of me once in nearly 4 days. It's so obvious that he's not interested in me that I can't pretend anymore. I can no longer fool myself about it. He has also not made any attempt to ask me out, to try to see me other than at the bar in the wee hrs.

So we ended up at the bar after the movie/food. We left a while after they closed as we were finishing our drinks. I told him, "see you later". He said "Maybe". I think he thought I meant it literally. What I meant was "Later" as in "whenever dude". He asked if we were going to the bar next door and I told him I wasn't hungry so there was no need. I'm done now. I done trying to get his attention. He's not interested and I'm a bit disappointed and sad about it. But there are many things that are far worse in this world.

It's hard not to get negative. It's difficult not to feel that this is all I'll ever have - imagining that guys who aren't into me like me/want to date me. They never do. At least, they haven't so far. It's hard imagining that they ever will. I can't think about this any more right now.

We went out last night to see Stop-Loss. It is definitely worth seeing. It was really sad in parts(as expected)and I had to keep blinking to keep the tears at bay.

a better day

My paranoia quotient has been off the charts lately(which is not news to anyone who read my previous post :) Last night I was thinking that maybe I should give the psychologist I saw a while ago a call. Maybe make an appointment. Last night was not a good night for me but I've had worse. It took forever for me to fall asleep. I just couldn't shut my mind down and relax enough.

I went out walking for 15min or so Sun evening. I didn't have on enough layers so I had to cut it shorter than I'd originally planned and when I got back in, my feet were killing me. I soaked them in warm water and that helped.

Tonight I went to the gym for the first time in a long time - since early February I think. I read something today that said that you should do your cardio first followed by strength training to get the best out of your workout. So I did 30min of brisk walking on the treadmill first. The first 10min were a bit tough. Anyhoo, the first 10min of walking tonight was hard and my legs hurt quite a bit but I didn't stop and I just kept at it. Afterwards I did about 20min free weights/machines. By the time I was done, my legs felt like they would buckle under me. It was a little scary. I am never doing that again. I am going to stick to my usual 10min warm up, then 20-30min free weights, then do 25-30min cardio last. Maybe part of my problem tonight was that I am so out of shape. That's what happens when you let weeks go by without exercising in any shape or form.

My easter weekend was good. I sang with local church choir at all the services, Thurs/Fri/Sat night and Sun morning. It was tiring but fun. I'm glad I did it and that my voice held out. I mention this because at one point during the service on Fri night, we had to kneel in our robes and I usu do one knee but figured as it was Good Friday I should kneel properly. Well, when I tried to get up, I swear I pulled a muscle in my back. Luckily, it was just a slight pull but my back felt weird for a couple days. I figured if I was so out of shape that I couldn't kneel and get up without risking injury - it was time for me to start exercising again.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep better tonight. I had a long hot shower and I may put some ice on my knees/quads/ankles. A vast proportion of my body aches. This is good though. If I can manage to wake up early enough, I'm going to get an early walk in tomorrow. That's the plan.

Random Ramblings

My greatest fear is that I will end up alone. Or more accurately, be alone forever.

She keeps asking me questions but she doesn't really want to know what I think. She doesn't. She keeps saying "oh you seem upset, why?". She asks this when I am perfectly fine. At least fine until she keeps asking whether I am fine. I take people at their word, usually. I don't trust easily and once broken, my trust is very hard to regain. It also annoys me when people tell me I look tired, then ask if I am tired. WTF? Thanks for informing me that you think I look like crap. No really, thanks. It suddenly makes all my tiredness melt away when you say that. It really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Morons.

I also dislike being asked "what are you thinking?" question. My thoughts are my own. I'm not shy. If I wanted to tell you what I was thinking, I would. But you know what, people don't want to know what I'm thinking a lot of the time. They don't. Sometimes I just want to be left in peace, to just be, without having to account for every expression they think they can see on my face. What I want say is "what's it to you?"

And then there's the random hostilities from random people. Like when I eat my lunch at 1:30 as I often do since I usu have a snack at 10:30 - they say, ooh, are you eating lunch late today? Like they give a shit? Like it's any of their business? That's what I want to say. They don't want to hear that. Even though they are not kind often, I will come off as over-reacting if I tell them to Fuck Off! Maybe, I would be over-reacting :-D But so what. I just want them to leave me alone. I don't ask them "what smells like that, is that onions? is that your lunch?" with a distasteful look on your face. Or "are those peas?" as if I have worms in my lunch bowl. Yes, I've been asked that. Don't ask me shit questions. When you don't have jack-shit to say, shut the hell up. Don't ask me inane questions because you're bored? It's not my job to satisfy your morbid curiosity. I would be just as happy, happier even, if you just nodded and walked on by me as I watched my lunch heat in the microwave. I don't need company for that. Thanks.

If their questions were the least bit clever or funny, then I wouldn't get as ticked off as I do. One of these days I'm going to snap at one of them and then they'll wonder where the heck that came from. I've decided that I'm not going to respond to hostile questions or comments anymore. I'm either going to smile and nod or say "Really?". That's it. Maybe I'll get some satisfaction from that.

Back to my main point - I did have one when I began this post but somehow got carried away...yeah, so several guys would ask her out and have asked her out. She has refused them all. The only one I think she's interested in is the only one who might be interested in me. This really bothers me. I can't talk about it. She keeps asking how I feel about him. I wonder why she needs to know. I also wonder why she just can't back off and let me see if this guy really likes me or not. No one has asked me out. They keep asking me if she's single? WTF? I'm am no longer answering that question - I'm just going to have direct their question to her. What do I look like? A personal secretary?
She keeps saying she thinks that he might like both of us. I kinda bought into that at first. But now, I wonder if I didn't screw things up for myself by including her in stuff he told me. Maybe he too is confused about it. I don't know. I do know that I have his number because I asked for it. She dared me but I wouldn't have gone through with it if I hadn't wanted to call him or have him call me. Of course he hasn't called. He's texted me a few times. I am just not a "text-er". It takes me forever to type the simplest of things on my phone. Plus I have to pay extra for each text and calls don't cost me anything(I have more min than I I ever use). He has yet to call me though.

If a friend of mine explained this to me - my current sitch...this whole texting back and forth that we've been doing and hanging out at the bar - I would immediately tell her "he's so not into you". I just have to accept it.

When guys are interested, they call. They ask you out. They don't ask if both you and your friend are coming out. They don't ask you to send your friend out when you are sick. They do ask you out. They don't sit on your phone number for nearly a month without doing something pro-active.

I know it. I've just been in denial. I am a fool. It's just that he's very clever and cute and funny. And so quick. Damn, it's such a shame. I'm ready to let it go now before I really fall for this guy who's not interested in me. Only the losers ever call. Life sucks sometimes.

open letter to jim

Yes I asked for your number. Yes I texted you first (sort of, my friend did but you didn't know that).
You have texted me a couple times since then. I think you think we're a package deal.
Still, I was confused about whether you were interested in me or my friend.

Tonight, you texted me to ask if my friend and I are coming to the bar tonight.
I have a cold, so there's on way I'm putting alcohol in my body anytime soon. So I text you back to say I have a cold and am not sure if my friend is coming or not.
You have the gall to text me back and feign like you care, "oh sorry you're ill but you will be better by next weekend right? Oh and also send your friend out tonight."

As if. As if I decide what she does/when she can go out. She does make up her own mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am no longer confused. I think if he was interested in me, he wouldn't have suggested that I "send my friend out".

Last week when we all were hanging out, I think I made it pretty clear that I was interested. His friend made it clear that he was interested in my friend. So what's the deal? I think my friend is also interested in him - even though she was the one who encouraged me to get his number in the first place. Why do that if you are interested in the guy for yourself? I would never do that. I can never understand other people's motives. They don't make any sense to me. I'm very blunt and not at all subtle or intentionally vague. At least people know where they stand with me. I, on the other hand, often wonder exactly where I stand with them.

I think I know. I'm no longer in denial or confused. I'm just an idiot.

reasons

I want more. I want to find a good man. Sometimes it's hard to explain it. But I know what I don't want. I want to feel more than I do. More than I have before. I'm reading this book, Odd Mom Out, it's a great read. I want to feel the way she feels about this guy Luke in the book. I've never felt that way before. I've had crushes but looking back, that's all they were, crushes.
Reading this book has brought all sorts of sad feelings out of hiding. I put away most of these feelings. I block them out, but they creep to the forefront of my mind from time to time. I want to cry but don't have a reason. At least not a reason that I can easily define. I have reasons for everything. Reasons for doing most of the things I do and say. I was talking to Z yesterday and said, that even though my reasons may not make sense to others, they make sense to me. Z said that the way I explain it, it actually does make sense even though it shouldn't :) I guess that's a good thing.

I got in bed early last night, just before 9pm. I had a cup of hot chocolate and my book and of course my nightly tunes on. I fell asleep at some point, with my glasses on, the light on. I woke up at 4:30am. Probably b/c my light was on and I needed the loo badly. I was tired but didn't feel like going back to sleep so I found my page in my book and continued reading. Then I started thinking and remembering and couldn't quite focus on my book. I wanted to get some of this out but now that I'm here and writing, the words escape me. I need a cup of tea and more sleep.

odds and ends

I've been so tired lately. I know why. I haven't been on a good sleeping schedule. I'm sleeping though most nights as soon as my head hits the pillow. This is good. What isn't so good is that I'm not getting to bed early enough to capitalize on this.

I don't even have a good excuse for being up late - it's not like there's anything that great on tv. I guess I've just been restless lately.

I did finally end things with TW. We met for coffee the sat after valentine's day. He and I talked for some time. He wouldn't come right out and admit it but I think he also realized that we were not going anywhere couple-wise. We just weren't a good fit. I knew it from the 2nd date. but my friends kept saying that I shouldn't give up on a seemingly good guy too soon. Even though I couldn't express why I didn't think it was right between us didn't mean that I was wrong about it. I so need to trust my instincts. They rarely lead me wrong...unless they pertain to driving directions then I need to go opposite to my "feelings" :)
I don't regret meeting him. It was kinda fun having someone to go bowling with whenever I felt like it. That's about all I miss. We parted as friends sorta. I have no plans to call him up to "go hang out" anytime soon. I think a clean break is best.

In the meantime, Z and I have been going out most Thurs night to our local beer bar - it has beers from around the world and has a really cool crowd there Thurs night who are mostly young professionals/grad students. It is rare that we go without guys coming up to talk to us. It's really cool. We've met a few characters, sure, but they were mostly entertaining. I met a guy there who I want to call "Sarge" which is nothing like his real name but suits much better imho. He has a tattoo in his head. I'd noticed him and said tattoo before but didn't have a chance to speak to him. He jumped into one of our conversations last time and gave me the opportunity to ask about how much that tattoo must have hurt. We did a little flirting :) He asked if I came there regularly. I told him my friend and I came there from time to time. He told me that he'd look out for me soon (Z was tired so we were just about to leave when he and had our little chat). He also came right out and asked "Petra, do you have a man?". To which I replied. "Currently, no" Then he said, "I will remember that next time we meet". To which I replied, "You do that". Overall, it was a pretty fun night.

Sometimes I meet people and we chat for a while and then afterwards I sometimes think about the conversation and wonder if maybe I should have responded in a different way but that night I felt pretty good. The words just came to me.

So I mentioned Sarge to my Mum in passing...why, I don't know but I did. Her comment (keep in mind that I only talked to the guy once) was "well, I hope you know if you need blood, you can't get it from him since he has tattoos".
Yeah, that's my Mum sometimes. She leaves one speechless. Cause what can you say to that?

Time for bed - the road are going to be more of a mess tomorrow morning than they were on my drive home tonight so I need to leave for work a little earlier.

35%

maybe I won't be sick forever

Ever since I took my last antibiotic on Sat morning, it felt like I was sick again. The coughing fits...back. The ear popping...back again. Plus I needed my inhaler twice a day since Sun. None of these were good signs. My nasal drip was back as well, b/c I haven't been able to take rhinocort regularly (nose bleeds/stuffy nose) so my stomach has been upset a lot lately in addition to the discomfort of always feeling like I need to clear my throat.

So I went to the doctor again yesterday - whenever I call for an appt, I always have to explain myself twice. First to the receptionist then to the nurse after she calls me back. Once I explain my situation to her, she then gives me an appt. I think it's a little ridiculous that the nurse has to declare me sick enough to be seen. But whatever.

I saw a doc I haven't seen before. He looked at my chart and immediately told me - you know you are a poster child for pollen allergies. He went on to say that I'm one of those people who's allergic to so many pollens that it has to be heavily controlled with asthma drugs even though the rot cause of my problems is allergens not asthma. He also told me that once I got the dosages of my allergy shot up to monthly dosing (I'm currently on biweekly dosing schedule), I'd really notice a difference and be able to cut down on the asthma drugs. He also said that I probably have oral allergy syndrome(OAS). I'd never heard of that before. He explained that b/c of my pollen allergies, I probably also got cross-reactions to fruit. I have noticed that many fruits when eaten raw make my lips/tongue itch but I can usually drink the juice. I told him this and he said that was typical.

He looked in my ears and throat and listened to my lungs (standard procedure) then he told me we had a few options.

Option a)he could prescribe prednisone for a few days - I told him I'd prefer not b/c I tend to have serious side effects to oral steroids, at least with the inhaled ones I currently take, the side effects are minimized.

Option b)we could increase my dosages of the current corticosteroids I'm on - again I told him I'd rather not, as I'm already on the middle dose and going on the higher dose would really increase the side effects I'd experience.

Option c)he could prescribe Z-pak for 5 days which would kill any atypical bugs that Augmentin might have missed-he also said that augmentin would have been his first choice as well. The Augmentin I took was prescibed by another doc I normally see in the practice. He thought I still had some lingering infection. He also gave me a Rx and sample for Astelin for the nasal drip. Unlike Rhinocort, it isn't a steroid so shouldn't cause nose bleeds. Only thing is that the spray is nasty if it gets in the back of your throat so I just have to stay upright for 15min after I take it. He said I should be able to feel like myself by the end of the Z-pak course.

Fingers crossed.

the crux of the matter

I kept thinking that over time I'd start feeling more. I figured he's a nice guy. Normal, mostly. It's not perfect. It isn't abusive. I'm just bored and can't see myself with him long term. It's been 3 months. I think I would know by now. He just doesn't excite me. I used to get more excited about reading his emails than about meeting him in person. This is not a good sign. He sometimes lets 6 or 7 days go by without emailing me even though email is our primary source of communication. He doesn't have a cell phone. He works behind a computer all day and expected me to believe that he only just saw my email after 4 days. I didn't buy that for a minute.
T says that excitement doesn't last but if it isn't even there at the beginning, what's the point? Why even bother?

I wrote an email to him last night but I couldn't send it. I think he deserves more than an email. I need to tell him face-to-face even though I'd rather avoid it. He emailed about going out for drinks on Valentine's day. I emailed back that I'm not a believer in celebrating such a fake day. He admitted that he was glad I didn't like it. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation.

I've thought about asking to just-be-friends but really the only thing I want to do with him is go bowling. I will miss going bowling with him. When we go bowling, I do have fun. Every time. In the car, it's gets a little weird for me. I try to keep the conversation going. I was trying to explain how I felt to my sis and I told her how sometimes I can't think of anything to say. This is weird for me - I can strike up conversations and do have random conversations with people all the time. She said, "if you can't think of something to say, you have to end it - because normally you talk all the time". Yeah, there was a backwards compliment in there somewhere(I think :)

I don't regret meeting him. It has been fun. As long as we had a specific activity to do. Otherwise it just feels like hard work. The crux of the matter is that I don't feel a strong connection to him, the kind of connection I want to have with a partner. I don't think that's his fault, I think it just isn't there. Now all I have to do is explain this.

Then of course there's the cloak-and-dagger thing with his friends. Maybe he doesn't have any friends. If that's true, it's really weird but it would explain why he's never asked me to meet any. Either that or he has a real gf who knows his friends so he can't introduce me.

I don't know if I'll feel differently someday. I've never been in love with a guy who was in love with me. So I don't know if I would then want all the hype involved in Vday. I sincerely doubt it though. I've always been anti-Vday. For one thing, I'm really allergic to pollen, so I don't deal well with fresh flowers. I love chocolate but would prefer a random gift of such, just because that person thought of me. Not so they could prove to the world how great of a bf they are. Unless, that is something they'd do normally anyway. That's just how I feel. I'm ok with other people liking it and wanting to do stuff as long as I don't have to be involved.

later on Sat

Later on I went to dinner and movie with the girls. We saw Fool's Gold which was not half as bad as I was expecting. As expected, Matthew McConaughey, was shirtless for most of the movie which added to my enjoyment :)
After the movie we went to our usual hangout when we want beer and it was really fun. There were 3 of us and we found a good spot to have our beers and chat. I got there first and as usual I struck up a random conversation with a guy while I was waiting. Whenever I get there first, someone starts talking to me, it's the coolest bar ;)

Anyhoo, this time it was the door-guy-who checks IDs/etc. As the night wore on, he kept stopping by our area and making the wittiest comments. Damn, he was so quick and funny. I was very amused. They kicked us out at midnight b/c they always close at midnight and we moved to another bar a couple doors down. So door guy who let me call him J, said if we were still there by 2am, he see us there. As part of his job, he helps clean up the bar after closing. So after we were at the other bar for a short while, my friend Z dares me and offers $5 for me to go get his number. I rolled my eyes and tried to get out of it but I really can't resist a serious dare. So I went over there, had to knock on the door b/c they'd locked up and then explain to the owner who answered it...yeah, I kinda forgot something, I need to ask J about it. As I expected, he smirked then called J to the door. I told him that I kinda needed to get his number. He gave it to me and I left(there was a funny exchange but I won't get into it). He mentioned that I should text him b/c he usu has the ringer off.
So I go back to the other bar, mission accomplished and feeling somewhat triumphant and a little embarrassed.
My friends got excited when I showed them his number. So excited that Z took my phone and then proceeded to text him. It was all so funny. It was such a fun night and I laughed and laughed for most of it. I only had 1 beer at the first bar and stuck to water after that so I wasn't drunk at all in spite of all my laughter and Z's insinuations :)
Then this weird guy comes over to our table and sits himself down - partly my fault - b/c he came over at first when my friends were elsewhere and asked something or other and I answered. I shouldn't have encouraged him. Because then this other weird girl came over, sat herself down next to me (in Z's seat no less) and made a nuisance of herself. The following bizarre conversation ensued.
Weird Girl: My friend (weird guy) is a great guy
Me: Ummm, that's good to know
W. Guy: do you girls have jobs?(what kind of question is that?)
Me: Yes, we're chemists
W. Guy(eyes wide and interested): Really, do you make "meth"?
My friend M: Ummm, no.
Me: No. We're legit, we make stuff for a reputable pharmaceutical company
W. Girl: what do you do?
Me: We're chemists?
W.Girl: do you test animals?
Me: no we don't do any actual testing, we just make stuff that someday might become something like tylenol, what we make is shipped and tested elsewhere
W. Girl: natural things are better for the body, what you are doing is wrong (WTF?)
Me: What?
W. Girl: what do you do? (OH no back to this again)
Me: I told you already
W. Girl: what you make hurts people and you should stop(who is this weird girl?)
Me: Listen, you are entitled to your opinion but what do mean by saying what we do is wrong, this is what we do and if that offends you, you don't have to sit here
W. Girl: where are you from?
Me: what does that have to do with anything?
W. Girl: oh I didn't mean anything by it, I was just trying to place your accent(Huh?)
Me: I'm from Trinidad
W.Girl: where is that?
Me: the Caribbean
W. Girl: where is that? you are not from NY, you sound like you're from around here
Me: nope, Trinidad, the Caribbean

At this point I wanted to find a way to extricate myself from this weird duo who seemed like they might have been high. W. Girl had a pierced lower lip which I personally find disturbing up close. Then she said something about how she is hard of hearing and people mistakenly think she's offending them but she just trying to place where people are from or something like that. I kinda stopped listening at this point. Also, J from our first bar, texted me back (well, he ans the message Z had sent to him via my phone as me :) So then my friends and I passed the phone around so they could see the message too. Not to be left out, W. Girl opens her phone and shows a picture of her cat (which was a cute sleeping cat) and proceeds to give me it's life story. Finally the guy writes his number on a napkin, slides it over to us and leaves. The girl got up to use the ladies. I hustled my friends the hell out of there. I did not fancy talking to that weird girl ever again.

I finally got home at 2:30am and 15min later J finally texts me again to say he'd been in the bar we just left for 10min. I replied that we had to leave. NO response from him but it was 3am by then. I drifted to sleep soon after my head hit my pillow.
I'm too old to be staying out that late. I of course woke up at 8am today. Which in a way is fine b/c I have to feed Timmy and take my morning meds (asthma/antibiotics) but I feel kinda like death. At least, no hangover since I only had 1 drink over the 6hrs we were out, that'd be worse. I am really tired though and my cough is still here. My ears were popping yesterday. I am a little concerned b/c I thought the antibiotics I've been on for 10days(took the last one this morning) would have taken care of all of that.

early sat

I was out for most of the day on Sat. At 9am, went to breakfast with T, delicious as always. I had french toast, scrambled eggs and sausage. I managed not to get the home fries and as a result did not feel totally ill :)

I emailed TW Fri night to ask if he wanted to go bowling during the afternoon - the whole week went by without him emailing me even though I emailed him back on Mon. So he called me Sat around 11:30 to say he wanted to go. So we went and it was mostly fun. Once we have stuff to do, it's usually fun. I asked him how his week was and he was his usual evasive self. He said something about how his grandmother, who's in a care facility, was having some trouble but didn't elaborate further. He said it's been a tough week. Again no details.

Another thing I realized yesterday is that not only have I not met any of his friends(after 3months) but when he does mention them he never refers to them by name. Is he some CIA guy who can't name names? Just another weird thing. I'm ready to end it now. I feel kinda like a jerk to want to end it before V-day. I'm torn between waiting until after V-day or just ending it before. I'm so not looking forward to the conversation either way. I almost wish I could be like a guy - like all the guys who've ceased being interested in me - just not call/email. No explanation, no reasons, no messy talk. Just no contact until I get the hint.

back to square one?

I went to my company party with TW. It was fun. The food was not nearly as good as it normally is, but at least the desserts were still on par. Most people dress up. TW remarked that everyone was all fancy. I told him that this is the one chance for most of us to dress up since we tend to wear jeans/khakis most days.

Afterwards about 10 of us went bowling. That was great fun. It was good to see TW interact with my friends. My friend C also told me that our height difference didn't seem weird - which I was kinda glad to hear. The thing is that I still haven't met any of his friends. Not even one. You'd think that someone who was born and grew up in this town, went to both undergrad and grad school in this town would have several friends here. One would also think that he want his friends to meet me. I moved here just over 5 yrs ago. I didn't go to high school here and I went to uni 4hrs north of here. I still have several friends here who I've told about TW who wanted to meet him. That's one of the reasons I invited him, so he could meet my friends and also so I could see him interact with other people. He got a thumbs-up from my friends. This is good.

I'm still on the fence as far as he is concerned. When we go out bowling or to play pool or darts we have a good time. However when we just go out for a drink or for a meal, I find myself getting bored. We went out for a drink last week and he said "I'm a very boring person..." What kind of thing is that to say? If he was looking for me to say "oh no TW, you aren't at all boring" he is looking at the wrong chick. That's just not me. He also doesn't realize that is so not the thing to say to me. I don't do boring. I prefer interesting, funny, sarcastic, witty. I feel kinda bad sometimes. My friends say he definitely seems to like me. I think (and this is probably b/c I am in no way lacking in self esteem) -what's not to like? of course he likes me. I'm a good catch even if I say so myself. I'm smart, funny and attractive. A little weird sure but definitely interesting.

On the surface, he seems fine. Just not for me, I think. There are several little things that I can't quite get past which on their own would be fine but taken altogether are a bit much. I should probably end things but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Normally, when I don't think things are working out with a guy, I'm out. Like that! With very little in the way of guilt or regrets.

We still haven't had that conversation about boyfriend or not boyfriend or just dating or exclusive. He hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know the answer to that question so I won't be asking.

One last thing. I had a really weird dream about him - like scary/embarassing/freaky weird. I will not go into too many details other than to say that he was in it(fully clothed), his mother(who I of course have not met) and I was naked for most of it. Let's just say that I was well and truly freaked out by it. I figured that the dream was probably due to my misgivings about him. Still, it's difficult not to take it as a warning.

come on february

February has started and is in fine form. I did a couple rxns and they worked - not spectacularly but still reasonably well. Also, the best news ever, my supervisor has changed to a much more reasonable person in my group. No longer will I have to report to that moron. I shouldn't call him that. But he just made it so hard for me - I don't know if it was a language issue with him or what. Doesn't matter anymore b/c now he can harass/annoy his new minion instead of me. This came after a particularly trying day last Wed where he came up to me at least 6 times and asked "what are you doing?" WTF does it look like I'm doing...staring into space? picking my nose? NO dumbass, my hands have gloves on and I'm purifying this compound or I'm writing observations in my notebook. If I was staring into space, maybe he'd have a legit reason for asking me that shit. As it was, I told him several times, my goals/plans for the day and yet he kept asking like he had amnesia or something.
Now I can just let it go. It was very freeing. I don't function well when all that rage is festering inside. It just made me so angry. All I wanted to listen to was that song by Three Days Grace "Animal I Have Become". It helped a little.

I'm feeling better now. I had another cold. ON the 10th day I finally went to the doc b/c my ears which had been popping the whole time had finally become clogged. I could barely hear out of my left ear. It was very weird. So I went in and got augmentin for 10 days. That ear has been really painful from time to time but at least it's not clogged anymore and my runny nose has finally tapered off after 13 days of running. My cough is also much better.

February is definitely better than January was and it's only been 5 days. I'm am all about February.

another week, another cold

I have another cold. I think this is s new record for me - 3 colds in a month. I had a sore throat Tues night and woke up with it Wed morning. I went to work for a couple hrs Wed and then went home b/c I was feeling pretty bad. Also stayed home Thu - coughed all day. Went in on Fri and felt much better even though I was still hoarse and coughing occasionally. I felt better. Sat morning I woke up with a headache and a sore throat and was a bit concerned but I just ignored it, took some sudafed and went about my day. took a walk with my friend around 9pm after dinner - this was probably a mistake b/c I wasn't dressed warmly enough for walking outside in 24F temps. I woke up today with a headache, hoarseness and bad cough. I still went to choir and made it through rehearsal with only a few coughs. During the service though - it was bad. I had to go to the bathroom about 8 times to cough - it sounded like my lungs were going to come up in my throat. It was getting worse b/c the service was going on and I was trying not to cough. That always makes it worse. So half-way through the service I left and came home. I spent the day resting mostly and am off to bed now. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. It's so annoying to be sick again. I'm so fed up of it. At work they tell me to stay home when I'm sick but they never do. They come in sick and infect me and then I always get sicker than they do. It sucks ass.

Heath Ledger - can you believe it? My friend told me today and I figured it was some sort of sick joke but it seems to be true. It's just crazy b/c he seemed so stable. Not that I knew him of course. Still, there are many other actors/entertainers out there who seem to be in far more trouble than him. I guess you only get to see the face they show the world. I feel sad for his kid.

there's this moment...

...in Stranger Than Fiction...when Ana Pascal walk in and looks at Harold(the main character) who playing the guitar and singing with his eyes closed. She gives him this look - this look that says so much without words. That's what I'm looking for, and I don't know if I'll ever find it. Find someone I'll feel that way about or who'll make me feel that way. I do know that I haven't found it yet.

This movie chokes me up every time I see it...even though I already know the ending :)

in the land of OZ

I fell asleep on my futon last night watching tennis - woke up at 1am and Federer and Tipsarevic were still battling away. I went to bed before the match was over but it looked like it could go either way. This is the first real test Fed. has had and boy was he tested. I went to bed thinking he might actually lose.

Today I watched Hewitt(aussie's great hope) battle Baghdatis. Their match didn't start until 1am Aussie time due to the late end of the Federer/Tipsarevic match. They also went about 4hrs. I picked Hewitt to win in my raquet bracket but Baghdatis gave him a run for his money.

Nadal plays his 4th round match tomorrow so I will be tuning in for that. I love tennis.

motivation

I had a funny conversation with a guy from the gym - I might have mentioned him as the guy from the gym who couldn't get his act together. Anyhoo, I saw him this past week at the gym (yes, I actually managed to work out once this week) and he and I chatted a bit. He said I looked really good for someone who wasn't at the gym. He also said and I quote "you must be beating them off with a stick". This made me laugh and feel pretty good. Fact is, I have lost another 1/2" off my waist and 1" off my belly and 1" off my hips - the belly fat is slowly breaking away from me, I may actually be able to see me abs someday! Actual lbs lost since Sep 07 is 4. This may not sound like a lot but at 4'11 3/4", 4lbs adds up. I even feel the difference in my jeans. This has motivated me to start doing sit-ups and push-ups every other day. I can only do about 12 push-ups so far and about 25-30 sit-ups but I think this will improve if I keep at it.
I put a pick of Nadal displaying his biceps(he doesn't even have to try) in my bedroom. It's the first thing I see after I put my glasses on - it motivates me :)

musings...

It's Sat morning - I wish I had a friend I could call to go get some breakfast. My friends have lots of excuses, many of them legit. I just wish I had someone I could feel comfortable calling. I rarely turn down invites out unless I'm ill. I do have a friend I get breakfast with sometimes but when she's not feeling up to it, there isn't anyone else.

I'm just a bit whiny lately. And a bit down. I know there are people out there with real problems and issues but that doesn't mean that mine don't seem equally real and problematic to me.

This is not what I had envisioned when I thought about having a boyfriend. I don't even know if he's my boyfriend or not. I don't feel exactly free to date other people. I think I should since nothing has been said by either of us.

I've invited him to a company party in a few weeks and I'm still unsure about how to introduce him...right now I'm thinking of, this is my date "TW". He's not asked about it either. While I don't really have any first hand experience with having a boyfriend, it is my understanding that if a guy is interested in having you date only him, he will ask and ensure this. Won't he?

So after having invited him to this company event, which happens in 3 weeks, he emails me about this Fri morning - His good friend is having a birthday party tonight that he's going to and he does not invite me. Just says that he'll be going to that so maybe we could get a drink Fri night since he'll be busy Sat. Well, I worked until 6:30pm Fri night and the only thing I wanted to do was go home, eat some pizza, and watch some tennis. That's it. My apt was a bit untidy and so I didn't want company because I was too tired to clean it. Plus, my kitchen had tons of dishes piled up and I was definitely too tired to be hustling to get them washed if I was having company. SO I told him to have fun at his party and that maybe we could meet for a drink early next week instead b/c I was too tired.

Personally, I think he should have invited me to his friend's party or just not said anything about it. Fact is, that he has met one of my friends and had opportunities to meet a couple others which he declined/had other plans. I have not met any of his friends nor have I had the opportunity to do so - unless he's counting the waitress at his fav bar who knows him well. I feel he should have not said anything to me about this party since he didn't want to invite me for whatever reason.

My friend Z, said that maybe he didn't have a game-plan either about when you talk about dating exclusively. I think that's crap, but what do I know? In my experience with guys and this is really only with guys who are just my friends, when they want a girl only to date them, they say so. They don't assume anything. They make sure she knows that they want to be with her only.

The thing about this guy is that he's not my type physically at all. He's very skinny and a bit too tall. My friends say the height shouldn't matter but I am aware of it whenever we stand next to each other. I am very aware of the extra foot and a half and I feel like a freak. I try not to think about it and usually I'm not concerned about what other people think but in this case I can't seem to let this go. Maybe it has something to do with my insecurities about my height. I'm short, just under 5' and was even shorter/skinny when I was in high school. Back then I had to defend against negative comments about my height almost every day. That sticks with you. I hardly ever used to think about any of that - I guess I managed to block most of it out like I have many other unpleasant parts of my past. It keeps surfacing lately though and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

He seems to be a nice guy although he only likes to go out to eat at bars or places that serve bar-food. We tried to go to a different place and the wait was 45min, which was ridiculous, I agree, but there were maybe 10 other restaurants on that street that were somewhat similar that we could have tried. Instead he drives another 20min to a bar we've been to before for mediocre burgers.

I suggested a couple places but he said "I think those places have too many people, I prefer someplace more low key". By low-key, he means a bar, no wait, true, but mediocre to crappy food that has tons of fat and useless calories. He does pay most times, so I'm not complaining about that.
The thing is, that things are not the way I imagined they would be. I feel like it would be ok to make exceptions for someone who fit my criteria more. Maybe I'm just more shallow that I thought.

I have had these reservations about TW from the start but they have gotten worse ever since the whole making-out-thing with BG. BG is not exactly my ideal but he's more in a height range that doesn't make me self-conscious. I also felt much more comfortable with BG in a shorter space of time and I'm not quite at that level with TW yet in spite of having been dating him for a couple months.

Is it too early to meet a guy's friends? Shouldn't I get a chance to see how he interacts with people who know him well before I commit myself completely? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm probably wrong. Be that as it may, this just doesn't feel right. It has never really felt right. It's been ok and mostly fun. I'm just biding time now.

boy update

So I am still dating TW - it's been just over 2mths since we started dating.

I was a bit confused ever since I got back from my holiday. Partly b/c I was a bit naughty and kinda hooked up with a guy (let's call him BG) - if I wasn't plastered, I might have stopped sooner than I did. As it was, it was a very close call. This is just not the sort of thing that I normally do. Ever. I met BG the last time I was there and we clicked but nothing happened. I really like BG and there is major chemistry but he lives on another continent. I like TW and he lives here - in the same city as me. And he's probably better suited to me as well.

I was thinking too much - wondering if maybe BG would be a better guy b/c there was so much chemistry. Honestly though, I haven't spent much time actually talking to BG - the sexual chemistry clouded almost everything else out. I don't know if there's a chance for more or not. I may never get the chance to find out.

TW is a really sweet guy and he's fun and I have a great time whenever we hang out. He made me this really cool gift for Christmas. I was a bit apprehensive when he told me he was making me something but it is perfect and appropriate. If you want to know what it is, email me and I'll send you a picture (I don't want to post it b/c it is unique).

So I've decided to stop second-guessing myself. To stop analyzing everything. Stop trying to "figure out where the relationship is going". Stop pondering... are we in a relationship? should I ask him to define the boundaries of such? should I have a talk with him about being exclusive and not dating other people? So many questions...Instead, I'm just going to enjoy and take things one day/date at a time. As long as it remains positive and fun, then I'm going to run with it.

in the land of Oz

In other news, tennis is once again saving my sanity. Aussie open, people. Watch! You'll like. Lots of exciting things happening in both the men's and women's game. Some great players out there. I don't normally watch much of the women's game but the match-ups are really good this year and I've watched a few already.

My boy Nadal really struggled to win his first round match vs Troiki(who had some killer aces and was also able to return a lot of what Nadal threw at him) but I'm hoping that's where his major hiccup will be and he'll look better as time goes on. I'm hoping he improves and makes it past the 1/4finals this year.
Federer was magnificent. I know I sound like a fan of his and I do like him though not as much as Nadal. Watching him effortlessly demolish Hartfield was a thing of beauty. I felt kinda sorry for poor Hartfield - Federer in the first round.

work update

I have been in no mood to post lately. I've had stuff to say but haven't had the inclination to actually write it all out.

I am having a really shit time at work since I've been back. The chemistry gods are angry. Very angry. Not just at me - several other people in my group have also been having crappy yields + weird unidentifiable impurities. The one I'm working on now has had several purifications and still has some shit in it that neither I nor the other experienced scientists in my lab can identify. It's enough to make a sane person nuts. I feel like screaming and pulling my hair out all day, every day. It's been so shit. Hopefully once I get this crap shipped, I'll have a bit more luck.

Things have to get better as some point, right?

Happy New Year

I've not been in a mood to post much. I got back from my trip last Sat but it feels like I've been back much longer. At least it was only a 3-day work week else I don't think I would have survived.

I went out last night to a bar that had a live band. The band was pretty good. When we left my car was gone and in its place was a parking violations vehicle - bad sign. Yes, my car was towed. I had to take a taxi to it ($7.50) and then after paying ($135) to get it out, I found a $50 ticket on it. Happy New Year to me.
Needless to say that kinda ruined my night but it just the kind of shit that always seems to happen to me.

Hopefully this is the end of the crap and 2008 as a whole will turn out much better than 2007 was. I'm really tired since I didn't get in until 2am and still went to breakfast with T at 9am. I woke up at 7:30. I really should take a nap.

I'm supposed to go out with the guy TW tonight at 6 but right now I just don't feel up to it. My feelings are a bit confused where he is concerned at the moment and I don't know if I want to continue seeing him or not. There was a bit of weirdness on both our parts while I was gone and I don't know if this is what I want. I am confused (and you probably are too due to my vagueness) but that's just where I'm at now.

More to come later.