I shouldn't be up

I shouldn't be up still. Certainly shouldn't be on the computer but I needed a distraction from my thoughts. I'm glad about writing the crazy letter to Lit. Really, I needed to do it. For my sanity if nothing else. But sometimes I just miss him. I wish I could talk to him. I feel silly and sad and pathetic and stupid and unwanted all at once. I wish he wanted me, even a little. But he didn't then and doesn't now. I wish I could just get over these useless feelings.

Can't sleep for some odd reason even though I'm exhausted. Overdid it a bit at the gym tonight. I was so excited that I could go faster on the treadmill without pain that I was on it for longer and probably faster than I should have. At the time though, it felt good.

Saw the allergy/asthma doc last fri and once I finsh this month's supply of Advair, he says I can go to a lower dosage of it. Really good news. I'm going to see my regular doc this fri. I afraid that she'll still think that I should be on medication for my anxiety. I don't think I'm better exactly or that all the stuff I was feeeling has gone away completely, but I do think I'm working through it and handling stuff better than before. Still having occasional spasms in my hands but not nearly as bad or long-lasting as before. That has to be a good sign. I'm afraid that if I do start taking medication for it, that I'll probably be on it for life. As it is, I'm going to need to take some sort of asthma medication for life. I can deal with that. I don't want ot take anything else. I'm thinking of asking her to recommend a psychologist for me to talk to instead. Cause just taking meds won't stop the stuff that's causing my anxiety in the first place.