Moment of Clarity

I was thinking about this the other day. I've been very blessed and always meet the right people whereever I go. People who are instrumental in helping me when I need it in some form or other. For example, when I transferred to a university upstate in my junior yr, I didn't know anyone. Within 2 weeks of being there, I'd made a friend. We met in church. Not at a service. I walked in to find out what times they have mass and she was there talking to the priest and organist. She offered me a ride back to campus and I took it. She's in her 70s and she showed me where she lived, gave me her tel# and said I could come visit her anytime. And I did and she and I just clicked. She took me to orchard and I saw/picked apples growing on trees for the first time. She has become a really close friend of mine. When I graduated, she offered and did put up my family for the weekend...for free (refused offers of money even though she would normally take in paying borders for the weekend for graduation) and she fed them and made them feel very welcome. Even provided a jacket for my father (b/c it snowed...in May). When I first met her, I never thought that we'd be friends like that. I was able to relax knowing my family was well settled. My family and I really appreciated it.

My life's been like that a lot. When I moved to my current apt, my first apt on my own, I met a few neighbors here. Mostly widows in their 50s-70s. I didn't have a car my first year and a couple of them were godsends to me. One took me to get groceries every couple weeks which was such a big help for me. Getting groceries home on the bus which does not go down our street was something else. Especially in the snow. I can never thank her enough for that. Another one took me shopping for all the appliances and stuff I needed like vacuum, microwave, etc. She also picked me up from the hospital after a bad car accident I had. So anytime, either of them ask me for anything, big or small, I'm there. Because I can't really repay them but I'm glad for whatever I can do.

I try to help out whenever I can particularly because whenever I've really needed assistance it has come to me through acts of kindness from strangers (some who later become friends). I don't think you can really repay such things. And while it's great if you can - in the sense that you feel obligated to the person who helped you in your time of need and this obligation is lessened if you can do them a good turn. Sometimes, you don't get that. So whenever there's an opportunity to help, I try to do it. Even if it's someone who's never done anything for me - a complete stranger. I think it's better that way actually.

I was thinking about this because of my downstairs neighbor who's in her 80s (the jello lady). I give her rides every Sun to church and she thanks me several times before, during and after. Which, quite frankly, is a bit much. I think she's always offering the jello as a way to repay me. But I see it as a way to repay for the other random acts of kindness I've received. I wish I could explain this to her.

I'm thinking of stopping the rides becaue she is mentally draining. It stresses me out. She's also kind of a mean old lady. She's so negative. She hardly ever has kind words to say about people. And the times when I don't feel like going, I have to explain to her why, oftentimes more than once. And I hate it. Most weeks I want to go to church/choir but sometimes I just don't feel like it and if I didn't have to go through the whole explanation thing, I'd just stay home. I don't believe that you should go if you don't want to, if your heart's not in it, you know.

But what happens is usu one of two things
1) I call her to say I'm not going and she won't let me get off the phone unless I admit to being sick whether that's the case or not but it's the only way she'll accept that I'm not going or
2) I just go anyway.

I wish I'd never offered because now its like I'm stuck. I'm an adult and I live alone. No husband, boyfriend, mother to answer/explain to but I have to explain to her. It really bugs me. I'm tired of it and I want it to stop. If I get home early and she sees me coming in, she rushes out to ask me why/if I'm sick. Sometimes, I'm just home early. I don't want to have to explain. She also moves my mail up to my door upstairs. This bothers me (probably more than it should). She often comments on the mail I receive as well, like rollingstone and victoria secret catalog. Like its any of her business. I feel like she's trying to take over my life and its driving me insane.

My friend and I talked about it. About me telling her that I can't give her rides anymore. I'm not relishing the conversation but I think it needs to be done. Mainly because the only reason I want to move to a different apt is because of her. I just don't want to have to deal with it all the time. This is really not a valid reason to move b/c apart from that I love my apt. I love the layout, heat is incl in the rent (a must for upstate NY), I like the location (close to main highways and to the downtown area). I have windows in every room, laundry machines in my building. Everything else - ideal.

My usual way of dealing with stuff like this is to ignore it and hope things will change without me having to do anything. I dislike confrontation and avoid it if I can. I do 'have my say' when I'm really riled up but it takes a lot to get me to that point. But this isn't going away and I'll have to deal with it eventually.