The Thing Lives....Still

All I was trying to do was floss, then the plan was to brush my pearly whites and bed with a book. I was casually flossing when I happened to glance towards the small hallway which lies between my foyer, bathroom and bedroom when I saw IT. It's huge. Yes. Notice the present tense. It lives still. I think. Somewhere in my apt. Where is a bloody can of Raid when you need it?

So I saw it and dropped my floss in a panic. Peeked in the hallway closet for something to hit it with. All I could find was a long feather duster. So armed (foolishly) with that and my bath slipper in hand, I swatted at the dratted thing from the bathroom doorway. Then it flew at me. The huge damn, disgustingly, huge, brown earwig-type thing flew at me. I lost it then. Screamed and swatted wildy while I ran out of the bathroom towards the foyer.

Ran to the kitchen for something to spray it with. I was pretty sure it was now in my bathroom. What I came up with was a bottle of febreeze. Yes, no insect-killing spray. Only febreeze. Of course I haven't bought insect-killing spray in yrs so why would I have any? Obviously I've been too complacent. Trying to co-exist with my insect co-habitants.

The spiders, I can deal with. Mostly. If they follow the rules. If they run across my wall or ceiling when my glasses are off, they have to die b/c they it freaks me out when huge blobs move (huge blobs are what they look like without my specs). If they spin webs in my way and are nearby after I walk through said disgusting webs, they die. If they are too big, yup, dead again. They have to remain hidden or only come out after I'm out of the room or asleep. I don't care which. And most important, they cannot under ANY circumstances, touch me. Then they can go on their merry ways doing spider things.

So in my quest for clean teeth before bed, I ventured into the bathroom gingerly, spraying and hollering. Because everyone knows that there's nothing more scary to a huge earwig-type thing than a silly human yelling while spraying febreeze. I checked behind the shower curtain, nothing. Behind the door. Nothing. Next to the toilet. Nothing. So now I'm scared b/c I have so much clutter everywhere, God alone knows where it could be hiding now.

So my teeth are clean. Of course, I nearly gagged on the toothpaste in my haste to finish up. Damn loud TV. Thought I heard something insect-like.

I've checked around my bed and moved anything suspiciously brown from the immediate vicinity of it. Checked behind my curtains. Nothing. But now I'm afraid to go in it. To bed. I had it all planned to have an early night. But now here I am. Blogging to try to make light of it. If you don't hear from me. BE AFRAID! Shit! I really need to buy some Raid.