Last night I didn't sleep much, tossed and tunred for most of the night. Got in bed at 11pm but still wasn't able to settle. I doubt I got more than an hr or two altogether.
Probably b/c I spent last night worrying about money. I was thinking about bills that would need to be paid with my next payck, then wondering if I'd have enough to cover what had to be paid.
I usu spend most of 1 payck at end of the month on rent/ins, then use next payck for everything else. Did some calculations...and panicked. Worried about how I'd find the money to cover one extra bill until the payck after the one coming up.
I continued to worry about this today until about luchtime.
All this worrying I did and the sleep I probably lost b/c of said worrying - these are clear signs that I have a problem. How I know this? I thought my next pay period was next Fri, then was calculating bills, etc. from that date. So imagine my surprise and immense relief to find a pay ck in my mailbox at work today around lunchtime.
I'm fear that I am insane. Ok maybe not insane but certainly not entirely sane either.
Basically, I'm fine and will be able to pay everything on time. Why didn't I double check the date of my last payck to make sure? We get paid every 2wks. I don't know? Why didn't I just stop worrying b/c worrying wouldn't have changed the outcome? I don't know that either?
I do know that I'm afraid of being completely honest about everything with my therapist. Why? There might be an intervention to have me committed. This is my fear. This is probably not going to happen. I realize this. I'm not a danger to society. Clearly this is a fear I need to let go of. But how? I'm afraid to ask her this question.
I know that most of the stuff that I worry about is unlikely. I know. Yet I worry.
4 comments:
I know the feeling re. worrying. I realize that most of the stuff I'm scared of happening will never happen, but I can't help it! I hope you find a way to be honest with your therapist. They can't "commit you" unless you're threatening to kill yourself -- or threatening to kill somebody else. :) When I first went to my therapist, I decided I'd tell him everything b/c, even with insurance, those appointments get expensive, and I might as well get my money's worth!!!
How was the soup? I love dumplings. Mmm, starchy carby goodness.
The soup was good, warm at least :). Not as good as granma's but still ok. Was going to delete this post but maybe I'll leave it up a while. The therapist is kind of expensive, I should try to get my money's worth :)
I don't think you are insane. And it takes a lot to get yourself committed without your consent. I've never seen anything in your blog that would indicate that you'd be committed in this way.
It's natural to not tell your therapist everything right away. It takes time to fully trust someone. But it sounds as if you are talking to her, and you are letting her help you. That's excellent. Maybe one day you will fully open up to her, but try not to stress about it now.
Thanks Ann. Your comments help :)
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