Now I'm A Believer

I very plain jane when it comes to ice cream. I generally stick with vanilla, and the only bits I want to see in my ice cream are chunks of chocolate. Maybe nuts if its on a king cone, that's good too. I don't like chocolate ice cream. I do eat strawberry (or I used to before strawberries started giving me hives), and chocolate ripple if vanilla's not available.

I've stayed away from Ben&Jerry's on principle, most of the flavors I've seen/heard of have too many things mixed together and also too many chunks of stuff I don't want in my ice cream. So I was in the freezer section just casually looking at the Haagen-Dazs. Then I thought of maybe getting some pistachio ice cream. That's the only other flavor I really love but I have to be in the mood for it. So I glance over at the B&J section and saw they had pistachio, I bought it and I have to say - it was so smooth and creamy and melt-on-my-tongue delicious. It made me think that maybe I need to reassess my B&J prejudice. I turned on the tv while I was eating it and guess who was on - Alton Brown - and he was talking about premium ice cream and why it tastes better than bargain ice creams. Something about the packing being more even in premium ice cream than in bargain brands. My take is that B&J Pistachio Pistachio = premium ice cream. And to my surprise, it isn't green. Maybe I'll have to investigate this further. I sense another quest coming on. I haven't had a food quest in quite a while.

My last food quest involved a search for the perfect chocolate-chip cookie (soft-baked or crispy). This started after ChipsAhoy changed their recipe back in 2001 (I've convinced of this). I used to love ChipsAhoy but then they must have changed something because they started tasting differently back in fall 2001. How do I know this? because I ate them a lot, ok. I have tried them a couple times since then but they've never been the same.

As for my quest - my research was extensive and involved personal sampling of over 15 different brands, some required additional trials. I was dedicated, I tell you, dedicated. I even baked some of my own. I took most in to work and they loved them. They kept asking when I was going to make more. The pressure was too much and I haven't baked any since (this was about 2 yrs ago). But I was looking for one that I could buy, no effort on my part other than paying for it. I did come up with a winner and though several people have disagreed with me about this, I stand by my choice. For me, the perfect choc chip cookie only has choc chips in it, no yucky peanut butter chips or nuts or God forbid, raisins (I really hate raisins! and I only like peanut butter on bread, not anywhere near chocolate or cookies).

My pick - Freihofer's choc chip cookies, the white box. I can't remember if that's the original recipe or not but I know I prefer the ones that come in the white box over the ones that come in the tan box. I haven't had them in over 2 months. Why? Because they are the one thing that I have absolutely no control with. Usually I can have tons of chocolate, ice cream, potato chips, cookies (as long as they're not Freihofer's) for quite a while. I have 2 or 3 and I'm satisfied. Freihofer's was another story. The local groceries frequently offer buy 1, get 1 free with Freihofer's. And I used to get 2-3 boxes. I'd put one in the freezer and one in the fridge to try to slow myself down. I normally like my cookies to be room temperature. But folks, there's just no wrong way to eat them. They are good warmed in the microwave, room temperature, cold from the fridge, and even frozen (though you kinda have to gnaw on them a bit but they're still good).

My turning point or at least the point at which I recognized thatI had a serious problem...I stood in front of my freezer and ate 10-12 of them... frozen cookies...standing...with the freezer door open. I was appalled at myself. I mean, I could have put them on a plate and taken them in and eaten them while sitting. Well I could but I don't remember if I'd had a bad day at work or not and just felt I really had to have them right at that instant. But I do remember doing it. I haven't bought them since. This has not been easy. Last month, they had a sale, buy 1, get 2 free. I resisted. Only because I repeating this mantra to myself "I'm not buying cookies, I'm not, I'm leaving without buying cookies". They had 5 different displays set up and I didn't even go down the cookie isle. They were trying to kill me. It was a trial. I still want them occasionally. I have choc chip cookies but only brands I can control myself with. So when I feel like Freihofer's, I just have 2-3 of those instead (like Pepperidge Farm or Archer Farms). Or I have a few oreos. They're good but you know, not Freihofer's.

There's this sweepstakes that Haagen-Dazs is having and the grand prize is a trip for 2 to Belgium for a week, hotel of your choice and spending money. Of course, the likelihood of winning is probably slim but worth a shot and doesn't cost anything to enter. So why not?

not in the mood to write

Lately, I haven't been in the mood to write anything. Overall I'm feeling better and sounding better but still not quite there yet. But now I can take my inhaler every 6h which I have to take as progress. So tired of this being sick crap.

It's that time of the month again so I took a couple extra-strength midol and went out last night in spite of the pain I was feeling. We saw "Proof" with Gwyneth Paltrow and Jake Gyllenhaal. I thought it was both weird and interesting. Worth the money though.

The due date for my 20+ page report has been extended until first week in Nov. This is kind of good since I'm only half-way through it. They made other things higher priority. But it also means that it'll be longer b/c I'd have made more things by then which will also have to be included.

I also have slides to do for our biweekly meeting (due Wed - not bad, 2wks of work) as well as for our 6mth review (due Fri - toughie, summarize work done from April-now). We do this review for upper management. In addition to making compounds. Its going to be a long week. I really need to focus and plan my week well so that I can get all this stuff done in time.

For the 20pg one I have to do these calculations for each of the compounds I made. I couldn't remember how to do them at all since I haven't had to do any since my second yr chem classes. Feel so stupid not knowing and I looked it up online and in my old texts but couldn't find anything that made it clear enough for me. I really didn't want to have to go ask my supervisor to show me since it is kind of basic stuff. I haven't had to write reports that required this info before but most other people have. I looked through some old papers of mine tonight and found some notes from the class I took. I think I've finally figured it out now. Won't know until I go in Mon and can try it on the data at work.

Did some vacuuming today. Opened all my windows. Today's the first day in almost 2wks that it hasn't rained and it was great to be able to let all that fresh air in. There was a cool breeze as well. Went to a BBQ as well this evening with my pal. It was fun. In this crowd, I'm usually the only chemist. Very different discussions from when I hang out with my friends from work. The party was breaking up and then they broke out the pool table. Haven't lost my touch completely. I'm not a great pool player or a very bad one. I'm o.k. One of my friends has told me that I'd be a better player if I played 2-3 shots instead of one shot at a time. This is probably true but I have fun just going for it one at a time.

I must confess that officially we lost. A technicality to be sure but yes we lost. I made the eight ball but it didn't go in the pocket I called, so technically, they won. (That was just for you gradgirl =) but I won't admit it again)

Bedtime for me (yawn).

When will it end?

I called the doctor back and the nurse told me that the chest x-rays didn't show any anomalies so that's good. She told me that atypical pneumonias (which is what the doc thinks I have) often do not show up on chest x-rays.

Atypical pneumonia seems likely (the link is probably way more than I needed to know). It would explain why I've been sick for so long. It doesn't have the characteristic symptoms that you would associate with pneumonia like coughing up green goo/blood or very high fevers and the incubation is 1-4wks. It starts off with flu-like symptoms which lasts 5-7 days then gradually becomes a persistent cough, with shortness of breath, chest pains just below the breatbone as the infection progresses. All of which I have or have had. Plus you're more susceptible to it when you have a weakened immune system.

The good news is that it can be treated effectively with antibiotics. I was a bit surprised at first when the doc had told me she was prescribing doxycyline and not some form of penicillin (which is the antibitotic I normally get) but she said that tetracyclines are better for atypical pnemonias. I didn't get to this link until today. The instructions on the doxycycline did not say to take it with food. I took it Mon night before dinner and was fine. Then I took it tues morn at 6am, went back to bed and set my alarm for 7. Woke up at 650am and felt like I was going to be really sick. The nausea was so bad I felt dizzy. That's when I thought that I should have eaten first. I staggered to the kitchen trying to think of what I could eat to settle my stomach and finally decided to have a slice of bread. Took one bite and barely made it to the bathroom in time. Let me just say that even with an empty stomach, it was not pretty. I also had a bit of cleaning to do. It was awful. I called the doc (as you probably guessed) and asked about that and they said I should eat, wait an hr, then take it. I guess, that's sort of what happened when I took the first dose Mon night.

I have to see the doc once I finish taking the antibiotics (8 days to go). My skin is kind of itchy. I don't know if it's due to the antibiotics. I haven't taken doxycycline before so who knows. It could be. Not hives in one concentrated place which is how my body usu reacts to allergens, just a general itching all over every once in a while. Even my face and ears. Weird.

Hopefully, I'll be able to think/talk about something else soon.

Today at 2:45pm, I was coughing quite a bit but as I was in the middle of setting up a reaction I wanted to get to a certain point with it. My inhaler was due at 3pm and I could tell it was almost time for it. So at 3 I was leaving the lab to go take my inhaler. Our lab tech was vacuuming the lab and chose that moment to try to act like he was going to vacuum my feet.

I asked him - don't do that please - he kept on so I said - don't mess with me now, please. He just kept on and I couldn't get by. I almost tripped. I really needed my inhaler and really couldn't explain/talk much at this point. Finally he stopped his crap and let me by. Then another guy in the lab starts doing this kung-fu stuff at me (matrix-like, jokingly, not serious - stuff like this happens in lab a lot, chemists can be very odd, I mean, interesting). Normally, stuff like this amuses me. But not then.

I swear, the 1 min walk to my desk was the longest ever with 'everybody an' dey brother jumbeeing my ass' (yeah I had to go trini on that one ;) [for the non-West Indians, that's 'every Tom, Dick, and Harry harrassed me' or something like that].

Half the time, they barely say hi when I go past them in the hallway. I don't know what was up with them today. Can't an asthmatic get to take her bloody inhaler without having to stop and explain to people while she's gasping, coughing and panicking? Then the kung-fu guy (yes he followed me out of the lab towards my desk) starts going on about how my cough kind of sounds like this old dog, blah, blah, blah...I escaped and missed the rest.

Completely off-topic:

The Quiznos baby Bob cracks me up, I love those ads. I also like the latest verizon ad featuring Shakira’s song “la Tortura” with all the people doing the "weird chest dance" that she does in the video for the song, so funny.

Even hypochondriacs are right sometimes

I called and got another doctor's appt. and saw another doc in the practice, not my doc or the back-up one I normally see but I was desperate and willing to see anyone. Still having problems. Very breathless even after taking my inhaler. She checked me and I told her about my symptoms and concerns. She also had me get chest x-rays. I mentioned the x-rays myself.

When I spoke to my Mom last night, she was very concerned b/c I was so out of breath on the phone plus I'm still hoarse and she said that they should do a chest x-ray at the very least to rule out pneumonia.

I got it done today right after my appt and the doctor told me she'd call about the results. Of course the doctor's office never calls the right number for me and she left me a message at home to call them back. I didn't get this message until after the office was closed.

She thinks its either a bacterial infection or pneumonia. She also gave me a Rx for antibiotics (doxycycline) which she said is good for atypical respiratory infections.

I did my usual reading of stuff on it (see the link) and 2 fun facts about doxycyline are
1) It is only prescribed (100mg) twice a day in the management of severe infections
2) Used to treat Plague due to Yersinia pestis (formerly Pasteurella pestis)

So it must not be all in my head. I'm still so exhausted. Going to bed early even if I don't fall asleep right away, I'll just get in bed and lie down.

Moment of Clarity

I was thinking about this the other day. I've been very blessed and always meet the right people whereever I go. People who are instrumental in helping me when I need it in some form or other. For example, when I transferred to a university upstate in my junior yr, I didn't know anyone. Within 2 weeks of being there, I'd made a friend. We met in church. Not at a service. I walked in to find out what times they have mass and she was there talking to the priest and organist. She offered me a ride back to campus and I took it. She's in her 70s and she showed me where she lived, gave me her tel# and said I could come visit her anytime. And I did and she and I just clicked. She took me to orchard and I saw/picked apples growing on trees for the first time. She has become a really close friend of mine. When I graduated, she offered and did put up my family for the weekend...for free (refused offers of money even though she would normally take in paying borders for the weekend for graduation) and she fed them and made them feel very welcome. Even provided a jacket for my father (b/c it snowed...in May). When I first met her, I never thought that we'd be friends like that. I was able to relax knowing my family was well settled. My family and I really appreciated it.

My life's been like that a lot. When I moved to my current apt, my first apt on my own, I met a few neighbors here. Mostly widows in their 50s-70s. I didn't have a car my first year and a couple of them were godsends to me. One took me to get groceries every couple weeks which was such a big help for me. Getting groceries home on the bus which does not go down our street was something else. Especially in the snow. I can never thank her enough for that. Another one took me shopping for all the appliances and stuff I needed like vacuum, microwave, etc. She also picked me up from the hospital after a bad car accident I had. So anytime, either of them ask me for anything, big or small, I'm there. Because I can't really repay them but I'm glad for whatever I can do.

I try to help out whenever I can particularly because whenever I've really needed assistance it has come to me through acts of kindness from strangers (some who later become friends). I don't think you can really repay such things. And while it's great if you can - in the sense that you feel obligated to the person who helped you in your time of need and this obligation is lessened if you can do them a good turn. Sometimes, you don't get that. So whenever there's an opportunity to help, I try to do it. Even if it's someone who's never done anything for me - a complete stranger. I think it's better that way actually.

I was thinking about this because of my downstairs neighbor who's in her 80s (the jello lady). I give her rides every Sun to church and she thanks me several times before, during and after. Which, quite frankly, is a bit much. I think she's always offering the jello as a way to repay me. But I see it as a way to repay for the other random acts of kindness I've received. I wish I could explain this to her.

I'm thinking of stopping the rides becaue she is mentally draining. It stresses me out. She's also kind of a mean old lady. She's so negative. She hardly ever has kind words to say about people. And the times when I don't feel like going, I have to explain to her why, oftentimes more than once. And I hate it. Most weeks I want to go to church/choir but sometimes I just don't feel like it and if I didn't have to go through the whole explanation thing, I'd just stay home. I don't believe that you should go if you don't want to, if your heart's not in it, you know.

But what happens is usu one of two things
1) I call her to say I'm not going and she won't let me get off the phone unless I admit to being sick whether that's the case or not but it's the only way she'll accept that I'm not going or
2) I just go anyway.

I wish I'd never offered because now its like I'm stuck. I'm an adult and I live alone. No husband, boyfriend, mother to answer/explain to but I have to explain to her. It really bugs me. I'm tired of it and I want it to stop. If I get home early and she sees me coming in, she rushes out to ask me why/if I'm sick. Sometimes, I'm just home early. I don't want to have to explain. She also moves my mail up to my door upstairs. This bothers me (probably more than it should). She often comments on the mail I receive as well, like rollingstone and victoria secret catalog. Like its any of her business. I feel like she's trying to take over my life and its driving me insane.

My friend and I talked about it. About me telling her that I can't give her rides anymore. I'm not relishing the conversation but I think it needs to be done. Mainly because the only reason I want to move to a different apt is because of her. I just don't want to have to deal with it all the time. This is really not a valid reason to move b/c apart from that I love my apt. I love the layout, heat is incl in the rent (a must for upstate NY), I like the location (close to main highways and to the downtown area). I have windows in every room, laundry machines in my building. Everything else - ideal.

My usual way of dealing with stuff like this is to ignore it and hope things will change without me having to do anything. I dislike confrontation and avoid it if I can. I do 'have my say' when I'm really riled up but it takes a lot to get me to that point. But this isn't going away and I'll have to deal with it eventually.

Self Images

I often feel taller than I am. Most people that I think are shorter than me are more often than not a little taller. I often see people driving who are short and so you can't see their head above the neck-rest and I often wondered how well they could see the road. And I imagined that they are probably like many of those old ladies you see driving who have to be looking at the road through the steering wheel b/c they are so low down on their seats.

Well, today I realized that I am one of those people who's head is lower than the neck rest so drivers behind me can't see my head either. I was looking in the rearview mirror and noticed this for the first time. This was a bit of a shock for me. I like to think of myself as very observant but in reality I'm not.
At least I can see over my steering wheel (my driver's seat is adjustable).

I think I must have a very positive self image most of the time. Maybe that's why I seem larger than life. At least to myself, if not to anyone else :) Granted I'm not in the best shape, have extra bits around the middle that have been there so long I refer to them as 'friends'. I was thinking that maybe if I started thinking of them as enemies, they'd be more inclined to go away...spontaneously...without any extra effort on my part. I'm a dreamer, I know.

Take the picture already

Me at 3wks. My Mom is holding me up for the pic and I think my expression says "Take the picture already" See the furrowed brow? Barely any brows there to furrow I know :)

I've looked at this picture for years and only just noticed that it looks like I have a green bow in my hair (actually its something behind my head, not a bow as I first thought). I've been drawing myself at different ages from pictures. Lately, I've been in the mood to do self portraits. Did some from what I think I look like and other using a mirror. Maybe I'm searching for something and it can only be found inside myself. Maybe I've just been overly self-absorbed lately. I don't know.

Not a bad day at work. Made good progress on my 20pg report, I'm about a third of the way. Had group meeting with our client today so I had to dress 'nice'. Can't wear my scruffy jeans to meet and greet clients. Oooh...my feet were killing me. I wore these cute brown pumps which are a wee bit snug. Only had them on for 3hrs but it was more than long enough for my feet to complain. Luckily by 3p our meeting was over. It was 2hrs long but the time flew by.

Most days I feel like anyone could do my job and that it doesn't make a difference at all...that I don't make a difference...and that bugs me a bit. But today was good b/c our client explained a lot about where our project can go next and what parameters we need to have for our targets. He also explained the details behind the testing that they do on the compunds we make. Some of the results help us choose future targets to make. This is probably all very vague to most but I can't really elaborate. At my company and most in our industry, we have to sign several types of confidentiality contracts and in them you agree that you are liable for a lawsuit if you reveal confidential info. These documents were a little scary to me on my first day on the job during orientation. Anyhoo, today I felt like what we do does make a difference.

Surrounded

Arty Charlie B
Took this in San Francisco in May. Looking at lots of pictures tonight.

Rainy weekend but I don't mind

10 bonus points if you know where this is from "the London fog...the London fog...its thick...its damp...its...its gone!". I been thinking of that a lot because lately there's been some crazy fog in the mornings on my drive to work, visibilty reduced to 50ft or less. Good thing I could drive it in my sleep. Its kind of cool though. I kinda like it.

Supposed to be rainy all weekend. Planning to do some painting. Got new paints today at 40% off. I have a plan for a series of three for my kitchen, at least a main idea of how I want them to flow from one to the other. Will probably post them to my flickr account when they're done. Of course that could be anywhere from Sun to 6 mths from now. I'm big on starting things but not so great on finishing. I get bored easily and often lose interest in stuff half-way through. My apt is littered with unfinished projects -

• like when I was going to make seat covers for my dining chairs (lofty title for the old metal ones I've got) but only got so far as buying the material and a mini-sewing machine and I even made one but my measurements were too snug and the material didn't have enough give to it to accomodate for this...and that's as far as I got
• or when I bought new inks, calligraphy text to compliment the calligraphy set I had from college because I was going to make all the cards I needed and planned to do this in advance - yeah right. Don't know what I was thinking considering that I'm such a spur-of-the-moment person/procrastinator =)
• or when I thought it'd be fun to take up needlepoint and bought yarn and needles, etc...well I opened everything and left it out for weeks before putting everything away...in my to-be-done-someday-when-I'm-in-the-mood box (I have several of these boxes)

I do manage to use the paints and sketch books and such for painting and drawing from time to time. Though not as often as I could. So my new plan is to make Sat morning my creative time. So armed with my paint supplies and rainy forecast, I plan to be very creative this weekend.

So I call the doctor and they have a nurse call me back - they probably have a big red note next to my file to field all calls through the nurses. Anyhoo, I finally talk to the nurse and explain that I still need to take my emergency inhaler several times a day even though most of the cold symptoms are gone. I'm still coughing and still very congested.

So they're going to increase the dosage of the daily maintainer meds that I'm taking to the highest one they have. I was on the lowest one before my cold then they put me on the medium one for the past 2 wks. Now I'm going to have to take the max dosage they have.

I 've read probably more than I should have done on my meds. Cross-referensing studies that have been done recently and in the last 5 yrs or so. I have some concerns about taking the increased dosage. But what else can I do but take it? I just hope it works this time and I can finally get some decent sleep. Some of my reading makes me think that some of my nausea might be caused by the asthma meds I've been taking. I take them as prescribed and always rinse my mouth after each dose (that's so only a minimal amt of the corticosteroids will enter the bloodstream via the mouth, side effects are mild as long as the majority of it goes into the lungs but increase significantly if they end up in the bloodstream). But who knows. I know that Advair has lactoce in it which could be a problem for my lactose intolerant stomach but I always rinse so I don't know.

Had a suggestion to try a veggie diet which is great and all for some but I don't think that becoming a vegetarian will cure or relieve or give me better control of my asthma. Plus with being sick, I've not had nearly as much meat as I normally would. Maybe that's my problem. My diet usu consists of lamb (2x)/chicken 4-5 times a week. I don't eat out often and when I do I order chicken more often than not. Lately I haven't felt like red meat much. Last weekend I had the first real meat (wings Fri and ribs Sat) I've had in over 2 wks other than the 3 pieces they put in canned chicken soup (slight exaggeration =)

They had a 2-day seminar at my company and our client flew in to give a talk at the meeting. So of course I wanted to go ;). A lot of it went over my head but it was interesting. I must confess that my friend and I wrote notes to each other during most of it. 2hrs of chemistry lectures/questions....and I forgot my mentos which I usu take to seminars (to keep me awake)...takes a lot out of you (b/c I couldn't leave right after, had to be polite and stay for the following speaker). Luckily, they broke for lunch right after the 2nd speaker.

Fun facts to note

• the 2nd speaker used the modifier "uhh" 26 times in 5 minutes. I also counted other words - a fun game when you are bored. Another fav was "residue(s)" , 12 times/5 min.
• hyperemia = bad

My friend and I kept assigning either good/bad ratings to words we didn't know the exact meanings of, based on context. I so wanted to leave early today but have major report due next Fri and had to at least start it today (I have like 20 pgs to write...aagggghhh!) . When I'd had enough of that, I wrote up the reaction I was going to do (and leave overnight) but decided I wouldn't set it up until tomorrow. Just wasn't in the mood, you know. But when I got back to lab, my boss was still there and I guess I felt kind of guilty so I started cleaning up my bench a bit, still in 2 minds about whether I was going to do the reaction today or not. Good thing, I was there in my lab coat, looking productive. Guess who popped in with our group leader on a tour of our facility? Our client and so he made the introductions. So glad that...I was still there...looking productive. So I did set up the reaction after all. my boss left me around 5 and told me not to work too hard as it was nearing 530 and that I should go home soon. How cool is that? So different from my previous supervisors. Thank you God, universe, karma. I appreciate it. I really do.

More than a cold

It feels like something is still wrong. More than just a cold. I must have called the doctor's office at least 10 times since I first felt sick. I'm like the boy who cried wolf in a way even though I am really sick. the only reason they saw me Sat was b/c I demanded to be seen or as good as. I told them that my inhaler wasn't working like it should.

When I spoke to the nurse last Mon, she said 7-10days which to me seemed like forever. But today's the 13th day and my stomach is so upset and has been all day. I think it's b/c of the nasal drip. But I started taking flonase b/c of a nasal drip about 1 1/2 yrs ago and it was fine as long as I took it consistently.

I have been taking it as prescribed since this cold started, yet my stomach is killing me. Maybe I have an ulcer. I'm also still a bit congested and am still clearing my throat every 5 min or so. Personally, I find that "clearing throat" sound very annoying so I imagine that my co-workers probably do as well. I sound like I have consumption.

At work, I've been trying to put on a happy face. When no one's around, I grimace a bit to myself. My boss caught me at it today and asked what was wrong. So I had to explain. I think I often give way more detail than I need to/people want to know but, that's just me, very thorough :)

If I'm very pre-occupied then I can ignore how upset my stomach is. I was quite busy today at work as I had a couple things to ship and slides to do. Have to get more sleep. I'm exhausted.

Road Trippin?

I had this whole moment of clarity yesterday and was going to post it tonight, however, other things are on my mind now so that'll have to wait.

I volunteered to do this thing today for this professional group I'm in. It was supposed to start at 630 at a local university. I had it all planned. I'd leave work early ~5p, get home, change clothes, take meds, leave by 545p, get there on time while it was still light out (in the very likely event that I got lost again, it wouldn't be too difficult to re-orient myself). I even got directions from yahoo and emailed home so I'd only have to print them out. Seemed like a great plan.

I left work at 5 and got home by 520p but it took forever to find the right thing - that fit right and looked professional enough. Very tough call. Then I had to look for the directions again b/c my stupid aol account wouldn't let me open the email for some strange reason. Finally at 610p, I was ready to go. Running late but I figured I could skip the meet-and-greet which happens the first 1/2 hr and still have plenty time to get there for 7 when the meeting was actually starting. I got in the car and realized that I'd left the directions to the campus building in my apt. So I went back in to get them. 620p, I'm finally on my way and my mind is whizzing away thinking about what I'd have to talk about tonight. That's when I realized I had gone way past the street to the higway. So I had to turn around and go back. 635p, on the highway and think to myself-its fine, its ok, still have time, still light out, I can make it by 7p (trying to keep calm).

Now, I've been to this university at least 6 times. Gotten lost on the way there 5 times. Had to frantically call my friend/her husband(when she wasn't home) for directions 2 times. I don't have any luck going there at all. I get lost a lot. I've lived here over 3 years and I still get lost.
But this university is like my own personal freakin' bermuda triangle. It happens so often - the whole getting lost thing - and almost every time they have a function there, I get lost. Somehow, I'm able to find other places but not there.

650p I got off the highway 1 exit sooner than I should have and when I did it I realized right away but I thought if I just followed the road, I'd eventually be able to get back on the highway and take the right exit. So I kept going and there was no sign of said highway. I should have stopped at a Stewarts or gas station but I feel so stupid doing that all the time. Like a complete moron. I thought this time, I'd figure it out. After 40 min of being lost, I pulled into a Stewarts and parked. I just had to get home. Just couldn't deal. I felt sick to my stomach. I called and said I couldn't make it after all. Vaguely mentioned car trouble. Yeah I lied but I felt like I would throw up if I had to continue driving looking for it. I also felt incompetent enough without having to explain it on someone's answer service. Then I asked for directions to the main highway so I could get home. The nausea eased somewhat the closer I got to home. Actually my stomach is upset again so maybe it wasn't due to the whole being lost thing but more likely to the lingering effects of the cold. Still lingering after 12 days. I think I have some kind of low grade pneumonia. Is that even possible? Will have to look it up.

I have the absolute worst instincts when it comes to directions. I always seem to drive around in a kind of fog...thinking that the next street will be the right one. As if I don't know that my instincts can't be trusted. But I'm usu a very positive person and I don't dwell on my failings often. So I always think that the next time will be different.

I feel bad for bailing. I also feel kind of dumb for not stopping sooner and asking for directions.

While finally on my way home, I turned on the CD player(which I'd turned off while I was panicking/driving around aimlessly). I have it set to random and guess which song starts playing? It's a Red Hot Chili Peppers song, "Road Trippin". And there's a part of it that goes - let's go get lost, let's go get lost.Yeah, really. I was not amused. Well, I was a wee bit amused but not laughing out loud amused.

I'm exhausted, still taking my emergency inhaler round-the-clock but now I only have to take it every 5-6hr as opposed to every 4h which is how often I needed it last week. Tremors have started (a side effect of my asthma meds). In lab it was a little bothersome today.

Need to sleep now.

Sun paper

Bought the Sun paper...for the coupons/sales. Figured I'd be able to save at least if not more than the $2 I paid. I don't read newspapers often, mostly I get my news online or from tv. Got a great coupon for 40% at Micheal's...the paints will be mine soon :)

Self Study

Did several drawings today, mostly self portraits. Some looking-blind contour, blind contour and even one from memory. That one was interesting. Not really like me at all but a good drawing nonetheless. Most took about 5 min or less. I uploaded a couple to my folio at flickr (see flickr badge on sidebar). Even put one in my profile (I must be a little slow b/c it took ages for me to figure this out).

Have my eye on some new paints as I'm out of several colors. I'm going to wait for them to go on sale though. They were 2wks ago and I didn't get them. Big sigh. Now I wish I had.

Adventures in Karaoke

I've done a lot of Britney Spears' fast stuff as well as the boy bands Backstreet Boys and the occasional Insync. Bon Jovi is also a fav of mine. Songs I've done more than once:

• Baby, One More Time / Oops I Did It Again / Lucky...Britney Spears
• Bye, Bye, Bye...Insync
• Everybody / I Want It That Way / The One...Backstreet Boys
• Bad Medicine / You Give Love A Bad Name / Wanted Dead or Alive...Bon Jovi
• Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous / The Young & the Hopeless / The Anthem...Good Charlotte
• Material Girl / Like A Virgin / Like A Prayer...Madonna
• I Will Survive...Gloria Gaynor
• What's My Age Again...Blink 182
• You Remind Me / Someday...Nickelback
• Always...Saliva
• Livin' La vida Loca...Ricky Martin
• Numb...Linkin Park
• California Love...Tupac

Songs I've tried but will never do again...most didn't sound the way they do in my head and/or were not in my range (too high or low)...many were suggestions from friends

• Crazy For You...Madonna
• American Pie aka the longest song ever...Don McLean
• All The Small Things...Blink 182
• Mickey...Toney Basil(my friend's pic, I knew it'd be too high but still give it a try)
• If It Makes You Happy / Soak Up The Sun / Picture...Sheryl Crow (I'd planned to do both parts myself but the DJ insisted on singing with me)
• Somewhere I Belong...Linkin Park
• Overprotected...Britney Spears
• Any Man of Mine...Shania
• Whenever, wherever...Shakira
• You Oughta Know...Alanis Morissette

Songs I've yet to do but probably will eventually

• Mr. Brightside / Somebody Told Me...The Killers
• Hannah Jane...Hootie & the Blowfish
• Untitled (How Could This Happen to Me)...Simple Plan
• Summer of '69...Bryan Adams
• Let It Out...Hoobastank

Back in the saddle

Went out last night to sports bar/dive/karaoke palace. My friend suggested we go along with a group of her friends who were going to watch the Yankee/Red Sox game. It wasn't until after we got there that we realized that they also have karaoke. It was supposed to start at 8 but luckily they didn't start until after the game was over. We lost :( unfortunately but Cleveland lost too finally-13 innings. So things are still even all round.

I don't think I've mentioned this before but I'm a major fan of karaoke, both performing and watching. There's just something cool about having a mike in front of people I don't know, they have no choice, they have to listen. This started in junior yr of college on a drunken dare :) it was so much fun, I've been a fan ever since. I also like watching other people.

I have a blast doing karaoke and it's not unusal for several people to come up to me during the night and give compliments and ask what song I'm doing next. Once I even gained 4 back-up dancers who loved the song I'd done previously and come up onstage during my next to back me up. It was pretty cool, I was pretty drunk. I used to go quite often to another karaoke bar and knew all 3 DJs by name. Sad but true.

Usually when my friends and I go out, not many of them go up to do a song but as long as I know they're there, that's enough and I usu do a few. Usually, I need to have a good buzz going before I do a song I haven't done before b/c you don't always know how it's going to come out. I generally only do songs I know well. This is key. If you know the song then you'll get the timing of it and then its all downhill from there. Sometimes though, I try to do a song and after it starts, I realize that it's just not the right pitch and I can't quite make the notes. I usu stick with 90s pop/rock but also do some punk as well.

I hadn't planned on singing at all last night for a couple reasons. For one thing, my voice is still hoarse and secondly I didn't want to have any alcohol b/c of the cold meds I've been taking so I stuck with iced tea all night. They started off playing "Are you Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet. I love that song and it always gets me pumped up. So I decided to do one song. Luckily I didn't have to go right after the karaoke pros. I did an old fav which I've done several times before, Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name". Even did a little air guitar. I usu do a little something extra besides just singing whether it be a few dance moves/air guitar/head banging(you'd have to see it ;)/twirls. Depends on the song/my mood/degree of inebriation :) It was fun, haven't done karaoke in a long time and kind of missed it.

Last night, they were so many people with really great voices. Voices that said - give me a record deal already! One of the pros did a particular fav of mine, Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You". She did an amazing job. I couldn't have done it better which is saying something b/c I'm pretty good even if I do say so myself :) I had thought about doing it but I need a buzz and/or motivation (usu Lit) to work up the rage to do it well. You've got to have major attitude for it or any Joan Jett for that matter.

Kodak moments from last night:

• "The Wheels On The Bus" by Al. yes the ones that go round and round. Suprisingly, the DJ said it had only been requested once before :) In a word, hilarious.
• "Drop It Like It's Hot" by K. She knew all the words too. She was really good.
• My friend also went up and did a group song, first time karaokeing(don't know if that's a word or not)
• "Minnie the Moocher"(hi dee hi dee hi dee hi, ho dee ho dee ho dee ho), this was close to the oringinal, almost as good as Cab Calloway, the lady had some pipes.
• "I Hate Myself For Loving You", the real 'star' of the night

Overall, really cool night.

Nose still running but end in sight

Just watched Alias. I enjoyed it, if you're a fan you can read my post about it. Now watching the end of the Yankee-Orioles game.

Definitely on the mend even though my voice is still a bit hoarse. The end of this cold is in sight.

When I tried to sing on Sat, a very scary croak came out plus my throat still hurt a bit so I gave up - tried on Mon and could just sing along to Hootie & the Blowfish's "Hannah Jane"..Today was better, still not at my usual pitch but not so much like a guy anymore.

Had my second night of 6hr sleep in a row. I've been taking my inhaler round-the-clock since Thurs ~2am and I haven't gotten a good night's rest since - I need a porter for the bags under my eyes. I've been trying to take it every 4h and then the last couple days have been able to go 6hr till the early morning.

Finally the Yankees won. My heart can't take it when the lead gets pissed away. Only 3 more games to go against the Red Sox. Nail-biting time.

I haven't been feeling very attractive lately what with my being sick and not sleeping through the night and the bags under my eyes. I also feel a little bit fat. It funny that that whole feeling fat thing is not constant considering that I eat what I want and don't exercise consistently. Funnily enough, the feeling fat doesn't often correlate into me exercising.

Today 2 things happened to improve my perspective. This morning I tried on a shirt that was very snug the last time I wore it earlier this year, but today but quite loose. It's cool enough for long sleeves again. Yay!

Secondly, one of the guys in my lab came in and asked "how are you feeling?" I wasn't sure if he meant me or Mac, the guy who was also there. Then he looked directly at me and said "how is the very attractive person in the lab feeling?" Mac ans, "I'm quite well thanks" then he gave him a funny look. It was kind of funny and made me smile.
I guess he didn't notice the bags under the ole eyes or maybe this eye cream from Loreal I've been using is working even though I can't see the difference myself. Still, made me feel a bit better overall.

Another good sign, I feel like real food again and to celebrate ordered chinese - chicken in garlic sauce, it was delicious. When I called they didn't recognize my voice and asked for my tel# then realized it was me (I'm a regular). No spare-ribs tip tonight (she offered, I declined, wasn't in the mood).

I should get some rest now. Planning to get to work early tomorrow as its pay-dayFri. Woo-Hoo! The plan is to leave my apt before 730am. It's been done before, not often but I have done it.

Weird moments and pet peaves

Had a weird moment today with one of my former supervisors. I went to my desk/cubicle in the writing area to take my inhaler at 3p (it was time). She was at my computer (technically it's a general pc but as I'm the only one in this particular section of cubicles now, so its as good as mine :) She wasn't using my chair which is good cause I don't mind if other ppl use the computer as long as they use the extra chair, not mine. Usu ppl change the height when they use my chair and I really don't like that at all.

Anyway, I said hi to her and was about to sit down to get my inhaler out of my bag. At this point, she starts pleading...oh sorry to be using your computer but mine crashed downstairs and I have to finish this report, so sorry, I won't be much longer, probably only 30min or so but I have to get this done blah blah...She just kept going on and on, barely gave me time to answer. I was like - no problem, I don't need to use it right now, it's ok, its fine, really...

I was only there to take my inhaler anyway. Generally, I spend about 90% of the day in the lab unless I have reports due. So it really wasn't a problem. I just wanted to be able to take my inhaler asap.

It was just kind of weird. The pleading/begging. This is the same woman who often spoke to me in the most condescending manner whenever she had to explain something to me. When I worked under her I often felt inadequate even though I was working 50+ hrs a week and shipped almost the same amt of compounds as she did and we were working on similar targets. So I couldn't have been as bad as she always seemed to be implying. She's a sly one, always wanted to give the impression of being my friend. In my opinion, you can't really be friends with your supervisor because then they can't give an objective review of your work. Having a good working relationship is key but there is a line, you know. She often crossed this line. So I don't trust her much.

I talk to her when I see her now but she can be very annoying. In fact, I have been known to refer to her as the-most-annoying-person-I've-ever-met on my not-so-good days. On good days she's just in the top ten :) You know how much I love lists.

I don't hold grudges per se. I don't dwell specifically on real or imagined wrongs which I've felt from people but I also don't forget. So I'll talk to them sure, maybe even make a joke here and there but the fact remains that they are not my friend - this is always in my mind - there is a line. I keep them at a certain distance.

Sometimes I want to say it like Ludacris does in "Get Back":

Why you all in my ear? Talkin' a whole bunch a shit that I ain't tryin to hear.
Get Back! @#$%! You don't know me like that. Get Back! @#$%! You don't know me like that.

Actaully, I prefer the version where they bleeep out the cursing. I don't swear often. And usually I never use the word in that rap but sometimes ppl do drive you nuts.

As for swearing, I never used to at all when I was growing up, it just felt weird back then...but now I do, not terribly most of the time. I probably say "crap" and if angry "shit" more than anything else.

Except when I'm in the car and have to deal with the morons masquerading as drivers/pedestrians on the road. Like today, I have my right indicator on (or turn signal as they say here) and am first at a red light. Light goes green, half-way through my turn, this idiot pedestrian on the RHS decides to cross in front of my turning car instead of waiting for my car to go by in like 5secs. I mean, couldn't he wait and then cross after?

It's a good thing that I always look out and brake for rabbits, pets and stupid-people else he'd have been in trouble if I wasn't paying attention. The last thing I need right now or ever is to hit someone. It at times like those when my latest really bad curse comes out, rhymes with pucker. Only feel the need to use it when I'm driving though.

My other pet peave is people who drive just slow enough so that they get though just before the light changes to red leaving me to wait. I hate that. There's so much time for us all to go. I don't know what these drivers are thinking/doing that they can't at least drive at the speed limit.

Personally, I like to drive a little fast - I do try to stay within 5-10 mph of the posted limit though. If they're at least going at the speed limit, I cool my heels, it's fine. Here it's like 30 mph in most places and that's when many drive 50mph but on the shorter highways where it ranges from 45-55mph, they're going 35-40mph, drives me insane. I usually just change lanes as long as its safe to do so. Then when the posted limit changes back to 30mph, suddenly they know how to use the gas pedal and they start going 50mph and act like they want to run me over for going 35-40mph. I usu just say out loud - go ahead moron, drive over me. Not loud enough for them to hear, of course, but it makes me feel better.

Got to get to bed, major headache now.Off to take some of that super-duper motrin.

Getting better but stilll grossing myself out

I spent at least 15 min today just blowing my nose. Went through 1/2 box of tissues. My nose was red and very sore. Should probably have bought puffs w/ lotion like the nurse suggested but I prefer plain kleenex...usually...of course I don't normally need to blow my nose with such frequency.

This is gross but true (you might want to skip to the next paragraph):
If you combine the amount of mucus I've either coughed up or blew out of my nose today, it'd be enough to fill a 1/2 gallon milk carton. Trust me on this, I'm good with estimating volumes/weights, comes from working in the lab.

The questions for this..bizarre

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

This is so me

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Dog Kid Your Superpower is Mystic Your Weakness is Chocolate Your Weapon is Your Toxic Blowgun Your Mode of Transportation is Moped

What's your Superhero Name?

Alive not quite kicking

I rewatched the movie "Where the Heart Is" and everytime I see it, I get choked up. Especially the last scene where the character Novalee tells Forney that she lied when she said she didn't love him because she thought he deserved something better. And then he says "better than you? There's nothing better than you Novalee" Gets me everytime I see it. I want a guy to feel that way about me. Someday.

Feeling a bit better today. So tired of this stupid cold and I imagine that most people are probably tired of reading about it as well. But when you come here you get what's on my mind. No more, no less :)

My friend came to visit me today. Why she wanted to risk being around my semi-contagious self I don't know? But I'm really glad she came. I hadn't really talked to anyone in person (besides my doc on Sat) since Thurs. We played cards for a while and chatted. I was really glad for the company. And she even brought in some groceries I'd left in my car. How cool is that?They were too heavy for me to bring in myself in one go and hadn't been able to get the enegy to go out and get them yet.

Finally, today I was able to avoid accepting the bowl of jello that my downstairs neighbor tried to foist off on me. For one thing, I hate jello. I liked it as a kid but not now, the texture makes me want to hurl, I can't bear it. Anyway, anytime my neighbor, who's like 82 btw, hears me moving around and she assumes/knows I'm sick, she brings me jello. God alone knows why. The first time, I tried to explain that I don't like or eat jello, but she's a bit hard of hearing and it seemed like it'd take less energy to just take it than to try to explain it to her 3 times. And I tasted it, was grossed out, and threw out the rest. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, I just took it and dumped it.

But today, I don't know, I just thought if there's one time I shouldn't have to take disgusting jello is when I'm sick and I didn't accept it and stood there in my doorway with my hands behind my back shaking my head "no" until she created a reason herself and took the damn thing away. I think she said something like "oh will it hurt your throat, ok, ok, but if you need anything..." Maybe I overreacted a little but I'm so hoarse, I just couldn't face having to explain it to her in a loud voice(so she could hear) 3 or 4 times. Just couldn't do it. I may expand more on said neighbor eventually.

Just woke up from a little nap. Talked to family today, well mostly they talked. My sis also has a bad cold and sounded a lot like I did on the phone. Not as long as usual, I was kind of tired afterwards.

I'm hoping to be able to get a good 6 or 7hrs sleep tonight. Having to take my inhaler every 4hrs has been harrowing because when I get up at 2 or 3am to take it, it's hard to get right back to sleep. Maybe it'll be better tonight. Not planning to go to work tomorrow. Think I need at least another day. Depends on how I feel in the morning. Plus it's supposed to rain tomorrow so I'll see how it goes. My stomach is still upset but it eases a little after I eat. Maybe I lost some weight with this whole being sick thing. Frankly, I would rather have the weight than this stupid cold.

Off to play text twist.

I am vindicated (singing vindicated by dashboard confessional in my head)

So I went to see my doc today and got checked over and had a horrible reading on this peak flow meter thingy they use to measure your lung capacity or rather how much volume of air you are taking into your lungs with each breath.

So I had a nebulizer treatment, the last time I had one was about 8 or 9 years ago. The machine is much smaller now and instead of an oxygen mask thingy, it looked kind of like my inhaler with a cup at the bottom. It was quicker too, only took about 10 min. My peak flow was better afterwards, not great but acceptable. Plus I have to take Advair for 2 weeks instead of the flovent I was taking before, it has a larger dosage and lasts longer than the flovent I was taking. So that should help a bit. My doc said I should call if I felt worse, nice to know she's on call if I need advice or treatment.

Also nice to know I wasn't imagining things. My regular meds just didn't seem to be cutting it to me. Still coughing and my sneezing has increased to about once or twice every 15 min. Still very hoarse and can't talk for long without getting breathless. Can't even hum out loud to myself, my throat/voice is that bad. This definitely rules out choir tomorrow. I'm just going to stay in and rest up.

Oh, realized that I am truly leading a sad life because lately the only messages on my landline have been from the library telling me that the book/CD I reserved is ready for pick-up. I see the blinking red light and I think - ooh a message for me - but its only the library again. Can't talk much now anyway.

Don't know how I'm gonna do our weekly 3-way call tomorrow. Usu my sis calls from the UK, then I call my Mum in the Caribbean and we chat for a couple hrs. I'll have to just listen mostly but its hard to do that. In my family when we get together, 2 things usu happen, whether it's on the phone or in person - 1) we get louder and 2) we talk at the same time - usually so we can get our point across and have everyone else agree that we are right.

That's just part of how our family dynamics work. Usu my Mum and I talk over my sis and she tries to get her word in egdewise but she's not forceful enough to just but- in like my Mum and I do. I think it's b/c she's lived with the brits too long and has that whole polite-can't-interupt-thing down too well. I usu end up telling Mum to wait so my sis can finish her thought. It's quite funny sometimes probably more for me than her. Another funny thing is that we all have the same laugh and we end our laughter with the same sort of sigh at the end - even though we haven't lived in the same geographical region for the last 8 yrs or more. This usu causes us to collapse into giggles every time we realize its happening...again.

Got to rest now and take more meds. That's all I've done for the past 4 days. What I have to look forward to? tremors in my hands from my albuterol inhaler. Whenever I have to take it for extended periods I get hand tremors for about a week.

Ok so maybe plague was exaggerating a little

I'm up at 8am on a Sat. Actually I've been up since 5. Set the alarm so I could take my inhaler. I find it really sad that I'm up this early on the one day during the week when I can legitimately sleep in until noon, if I wanted to. And I couldn't get back to sleep though I tried for an hr then decided to read but that didn't help so now I'm more awake than ever.

My stomach is very upset probably due to the nasal drip I've got and the fact that mucus doesn't belong in the stomach. Sorry, no warning about that. Not even tums seems to help. So upset I don't feel like eating - a very rare feeling for me.

The last time my stomach felt like this was the first and only real hangover I've had. Last year, there was memory loss involved and much puking the night before and the morning after. I think my count was about 3 (strongest margaritas ever) and I was really buzzed after having half of the first one. Even took some stupid malboros survey to get a free lighter which sounded like a great idea at the time - I don't smoke but many stupid things sound like great ideas when you're drunk. Took some doing on my part to get off their mailing lists.

Anyhoo, I made a promise to myself never to have more than 2 drinks in one night again(actually my promise was more like no alcohol ever again in life but with time I've adjusted this to 2 :-) That's why I've sort of lost my taste for tequila. I used to go a little wild when I didn't have to drive. The first time I got drunk, I was 25. A bit old, but back home I didn't drink much at all other than at Christmas and New Year's when we'd all have small glasses of wine or champagne to celebrate. At first I was able to count the number of times I've been drunk on one hand, then I needed both. I think I was trying to make up for lost time. Binge drinking - which is apparently what they call having more than 5 drinks in one night - I did mucho binge drinking the last 2 yrs of college though I didn't think of it that way at the time. I'm over it now though, read the book, saw the movie, got the t-shirt.

Just finished maryjanice davidson's "undead and unappreciated". Good read but not as good as the first two. Started reading "hand-me-down" by lee nichols. Quite good so far (I'm half-way through). It started me thinking about the date I had with the quarterback. I was thinking that I'm sort of relieved that he hasn't called back. The rejection sucks, don't get me wrong but from our first meeting I was a little nervous around him and the same on our next meeting. I put this nervousness down to me liking him but maybe it wasn't that.

Frankly, I just don't think he gets me or that he would even with time. I just feel as if he would find me boring once he really got to know me. I don't think of myself as boring but to others who are active - on the go all-the-time - I can see how they would view my mostly sedentary lifestyle as boring. All the reading, watching tv, listening to music I do. And this guy is always doing something or so he said anyway - coaching kids football team, playing football, playing in a softball league, going to concerts, etc. etc. etc.
Then I started thinking about Lit (yeah everything always comes back to Lit)

He got me, I know that much and we have the same sense of humour. He would totally have laughed at some of the things I said on that date that the QB sort of smiled at (like he was only humouring me but wasn't genuinely amused).

Lit's brother works at the same company as I do and I have this stupid fantasy in my head that he'll come here to visit said brother or at least that'll be his cover story. Then he'd call me up and ask to see me to...maybe have dinner...see a movie...offer to be the father of my children... I would say yes yes yes to any and all of the above.

That's why I know I'm really a loser. Or at the very least a little pathethic. I know he's not interested, I know, he told me...repeatedly. Maybe I need to be hypnotized and have it drilled into my subconscious. Still, there's this part of me that believes that my above scenario is possible, highly unlikely, I'd probably be more likely to be a) abducted by aliens or b)win the lottery but stuff like that does happen to people. Or at least people claim that they do. I don't know any personally....

Posting has helped distract me from my general malaise. Feeling less like death-warmed-over (except for the nausea) than I've felt in a week.

It's not a cold, it's some sort of plague

Plagues aren't ordinary at all, I should be happy about that at least, right. Obviously all the meds I'm taking have gone to my head.

Had a horrible night. Woke up at 2.30am b/c I couldn't breathe and was so short of breath I could barely take my inhaler. It was very scary. It's times like those when I wish I had a roommate. I should have set my alarm for midnight so I could take my inhaler when it was due - usually when I'm wheezing I have to take it round the clock (every 4-6hrs) for a couple days. So I took it at 8.30p and at 2.30am it was past due. Took me a while to calm down, I thought I was dying, it felt that way. If my doc saw me like that, she would have me admitted to hospital for sure.

When I was back home I had to go to the hosptial for my asthma about twice a year, it would be those times when I was still wheezing after taking all the meds I could. They take asthmatics very seriously in the ER, you get preference over broken bones and other stuff you'd think should be priority. Usually I'd be there a couple hrs while I got 2 nebulizers ( which is direct inhalation with an oxygem-type mask of the asthma bronchodilators, then usu an intramuscular injection if they didn't work, and if I was still wheezing then they'd set up an IV and keep me for the night.

I hate hospitals. Well not hospitals as a whole, just being a patient in a hospital. My Mum's a nurse and I often met her at work and that was ok. Just having to be in a hospital bed is what freaked me out. One time they didn't have a bed left and I had to sleep on an examination table - it sucked big time. That was the one time my Mum wasn't able to talk them into letting me go home with her. She would give me the intramuscular injections herself then.

So I'm glad I was able to calm down enough and that my meds worked last night. Just the thought of having to call an ambulance makes me nauseated.

My voice still sounds horrible. Of course I stayed home from work today. Will see my doc tomorrow, well not my usu one but another one in the practice whom I've seen before. I think I need antibiotics, however, I don't have a reasonable reason for why I think I do. I just do.

This is a little gross so stop reading now if you can't take it.

The mucus that's been draining from me is mostly clear which is usually a sign that antibiotics aren't really needed. The way my cough sounds is what makes think I need antibiotics. Usually when I have a cough like this, and I take them, the sound of the cough changes - I don't know if that makes sense or not - but it does. It becomes more of a productive cough usu within 2 days which helps bring up more stuff and then I know I'm on the mend. I hate being sick. Went out for soup, meds today. Feeling better than last night but still nowhere near my usual self. Spent the day sleeping mostly, waking up to take my meds and drink soup. Kind of sick of the whole soup thing but am out of bagels and not in the mood for cereal. Too sick to do any real cooking.

Going to bed soon, about the only time I do this early is when I'm sick. Time for flonase anyway.

It's official-I have a cold

I don't get colds very often, about 2-3 times a year tops. And when I do, they don't usually last more than 2 days.

So when it happens for a week or more I go in denial about what's really wrong and I don't recognize it. I always think it must be something more serious than a cold. Colds are so ordinary, everyone gets them. Don't know why I think I should be exempt from them. Must be part of my whole self-absorbed slightly superior complex (yeah I just made that up). Am slightly delirious.

I left work early today(at 3.30p-yeah that's early at my job). Felt awful. Plus with the congestion, I've also been wheezing. The horrible sore throat of this morning has prgressed further into coughing, occasional sneezing and heavy congestion which I can feel in my chest.

When my asthma acts up I can barely think straight, it's almost like having a mini-panic attack. Just can't focus and had to sit myself down and do some breathing exercises so I could focus enough to take the meds I needed to take. As of 8p, I've taken albuterol, flovent, decongestant, tylenol and have rubbed vicks all over, and coughed up about half a lung. Feel a bit better now. But am extremely tired. And my throat hurts from the coughing.

That's what I get for not sleeping enough these past few weeks. My body's too run down to put up a good fight.

Have a funny story about calling my doc this morning but really tired now. Must sleep.

Cepacol wonderful cepacol

I've gotten so used to being able to get my thoughts down anytime I feel the need but last night there were a couple glitches. Some weird system failures - once with blogger going down so that I couldn't publish. It still saved my blog from last night so that's good. Then I got the blue-screen of death on my pc which made me scream and so I watched baseball instead of trying find out what the hell went wrong with my pc.

I'm in the late stages of a cold or something. Sinus headaches on weekend have evolved in a nasty sore throat. Have had it most of today. The Cepacol lozenge I took worked great for 15 min, I could actually feel the "numbing relief" they claim on the package.

Unfortunately it has worn off now and it's only been 40 min. Still better than the stupid strepsils I took at work, which only work while they are in your mouth. I had 6 in an hr, then thought I should probably slow down. Have to wait at least an hr before I can take another Cepacol. Also did this saline irrigation thing which works for a while in that it reduces the sinus pressure and relieves some of the congestion-but it's feels really weird spraying saline solution up your nose.

Might stay home tomorrow, no fever though, just feels really raw in the back of my throat and it hurts when I swallow. I'm going to bed early tonight, for real.

Tomorrow's another day

Long, long day at work. Still don't feel like I accomplished much but I did get a couple things out to ship (the amount of compounds we ship is used as an indirect measure of our productivity) today. Had to extend the 3pm deadline till 4 but got it done. Then spent an hr on powerpoint slides. And then it was suddenly 5pm. Tomorrow's another day and as my Mum says "the work's not going anywhere".

Almost made it to the gym, again, but I just couldn't face it today. Had cereal and ice cream for dinner :) - not together - but one after the other. I keep trying to think up ways to get out of my gym contract but then I also think of how they'd talk me back into it or trick me back into it. My friend said I could get my doc to write me a note saying I had to quit. But my doc would never do that. She all but did a happy dance when I told her I'd joined a gym.

I don't feel too bad cause I did some major dancing around my living room tonight to Shania/Weezer/Shakira among others. Kind of tired now. And my wrists hurt, probably b/c I was on the computer at work for a while today and am on now.

I couldn't make it in a job which required hrs on the computer every day. I'd probably end up with carpel tunnel (for real), as is, my doc said I should wear a wrist brace thingy when I'm online.

About a month after I got my computer I kept getting these awful pains in my wrist/elbow. I thought it might be residual stuff from a car accident I'd had. Went to my doc and after checking me out, she recommended I use the wrist thingy b/c she was pretty sure it wasn't a nerve problem or anything serious. Then I told her about my new pc and my excitement with my new pc and she was like - aha! how many hrs a day have you been on?
I was like - umm 3 or 4hrs. She's so smart. Nothing gets by her. I think it's very important to have a doctor you trust and respect. She's always able to put my fears to rest, or at the very least in perspective, about my real (or imagined :) medical problems.

Went to sleep too late last night and getting up today took some doing. Note to self: go to bed before 2am.

My Weekend

I collect quotes and from time to time go through my collection. Sometimes I find ones that I really need to read at that moment in my life. I found this one today. I've had it for a few years now and occasionally I make a poster of it and hang it up on my wall. And it helps. It's a poem, "After a While" by Veronica A. Shoffstall. It's worth reading. The site is cool too.

I spent Sat morning lazing in bed. I've had a headache for 3 days now. My folks think it's a sinus headache and maybe they're right b/c headache meds haven't helped at all. But they suggested and I tried, a mini inhalation over a bowl of hot-water with few drops of eucalyptus oil and that helped a bit.

Also got my new vacuum cleaner and it's fantastic. It's a bagless which is a little gross to empty/see the disgusting stuff it picks up but also quite satisfying to know that I'm no longer breathing that crap in. Did major cleaning of my apt - moved furniture around, etc. The vacuum is self-propelling and it's a wonder to use. I may be inspired to vacuum more often now.

The party last night was really good. I was a bit late even though I probably live the closest. Their new house is really beautiful and they have a bit more yard for the dogs. There was a good mix of people, some new to me and a few I know from work. The dogs were ok. The biggest one kept sneaking up to me, licking my hand and running off. I petted the youngest one, he always remembers me and once I say "no licking" I can pet him without being licked. Dogs are really smart sometimes. I also petted one of their cats (the other one hides whenever there's company).

It's a Michigan State household so our host was in a great mood when they finally beat Notre Dame, it was close though. I don't know a lot about football but don't mind watching the game. The food was pretty good as well and I must have had about 15 different kind of cheese, even chocloate cheese which was a little weird but not bad. And I also tried pickled bologna which I'd never heard of before the party. It was ok. It was a fun night and I stayed until it was quite late. By that time it was just me and a friend of theirs from out of town. While my friend burned me a couple CDs, we watched "Team America". So dumb yet so funny. His friend is cute. But I think he's taken. Pity.

Didn't make it to the movies today but got my laundry done at last. It's been quite a weekend. I'm exhausted and am going to bed soon which is wicked early for me but I feel really tired. Its a good tiredness though and my body can always do with more sleep.

I love Batman

Batman was my fav superhero when I was a kid and I've seen all the other batman movies made. Finally saw the latest Batman movie tonight. Got there a little late and missed the first 15 minutes. I enjoyed it but there were parts of dialog that I missed throughout - some of it just wasn't clear. I kind of wished I could turn on the close captions.
I watch TV with the captions most of the time. It's great especially for baseball and Alias re-runs. Just gotten used to it and only remember it's kind of strange when I have company who ask why the captions are on. I often mute the TV when I watch baseball while I listen to music, so the captions help. And with Alias, it's so I don't miss anything :)

While I was watching the movie, I had a big thought and it was this. I am alone - all my other friends have seen the movie already, without me. And I was thinking that it was ok that I was alone. I used to go to movies by myself all the time when I first moved here and didn't know anyone. And after I made a few friends here, I'd still go on my own sometimes. Then they insisted I go with them. Well, until they got boyfriends. And I sort of got out of the habit. Now I only get a call when their significant others are out of town or out with the guys. I don't want to do this anymore. So I made a decision tonight. No more going to stupid couple parties. No more always being available when it's convenient for them but not for me. I'm only doing things I want to do. If I have to do them by myself, fine. Going to the movie tonight was a good start. I'm going to see the penguin movie this weekend. On my own and I'm looking forward to that as well.

I do have a house-warming party to go to Sat night. One of my few married friends, they have 3 huge german shepherds which I must confess to being a little afraid of. They are well trained so I'm not afraid of being bitten. I think I'm nervous around them b/c I didn't grow up with animals. That, and I don't like to be licked. I can only pet one of them, the youngest b/c I met him as a puppy - a big puppy :) I'm just not used to dogs and they are quite a lot of dog all together. I think everyone else there will be coupled up. But I already said I'd go. Their parties are usu fun though even when I'm the only single there. So I'm looking forward to it.

Also planning a trip to Cooperstown to see the baseball hall of fame but not until next weekend. I haven't done laundry in some time and have to get it done this weekend. Either that or go shopping. I hate doing laundry. At least it is in my builiding but they have wacky hrs - only 8:30am-8:30pm every day. So I can't do it before work and am too tired to do it after work. And everyone else seems to need to do theirs on weekends - even though they all seem to leave for work after I do and get back from work long before I do (and take all the close parking spots).

While I was driving home tonight (the theatre 's 30 min away), I was thinking that even if takes longer than I'd like, I'd rather wait to find the right person for me than to settle. Sure I get lonely. And sometimes feel a bit starved for affection. Some days I just need a hug - it's at those times especially that I wish I lived closer to my family. But I'm tired of making excuses for people who are wrong for me. I'm very straightforward and I wish people would be that way with me. By people I mean men. They always seem to be on some other plane. At least those that I'm interested in. Either they say what I want to hear but their actions tell the real truth. Or they don't say anything at all leaving me guessing...questioning...making excuses. That's enough introspection for one day. Going to read something light and fluffy :)

Going to bed soon. Fell asleep on the futon last night around 9 or 10, I think. Woke up at 2am and moved to bed and drifted off soon after. Maybe my random insomnia is over for a while. Going to bed soon, really.

I'm not really trying to get fired...

Today was not great. I've been a little depressed lately. Not quite sure why but I think it's a combination of things in my life. I repress a lot. Plus I just don't want to go to work lately. I have to of course, the bills can't pay themselves and I have to eat.

I got to work late today and yesterday. I shouldn't have been late though. I was up more than early enough despite going to bed after 1am the last few days. Just can't sleep. This random insomnia happens sometimes but I don't like taking sleep medication. I know too much about the side effects and with my occasional hypochondria, I just I can't deal. So I read and stare at my walls until I drift off.

The real reason I was late is because of this: I got out of bed at 7am, had a cup of tea then cereal, and read. Yes, read as if I was on vacation, while the time ticked away. Then at 8, I started getting ready. What's wrong with me? I know that I needed to hustle and get ready b/c I'm really slow in the am. Yet, I just couldn't seem to do so. It was worse yesterday. I can't do this tomorrow. It's a good thing that I live close to work.

Today at work around 5pm I was thinking of calling in sick tomorrow(yeah ahead of time). I had reactions to set up overnight but I just couldn't focus enough to get the calculations done for them. So I left at 5:15 without setting up any. I feel a bit guilty about that b/c I have at least 4 reactions that take at least 15hrs before they're done so it's like I'm wasting a day. See how I've been brain-washed by my job. [supervisory voice: you are not being very productive if you don't set up multiple reactions overnight]

I'm exhausted and it feels like I'm getting a cold and it's that TOM as well. But I've never called in sick without actually being too sick to go in. I'm kinda superstitious and I worry that I'll get sick for real if I do. Maybe, I'll go to bed ridiculously early like at 8:30 and see how I feel tomorrow. I'm thinking maybe I should go in on time :0 (imagine that), get my reactions going then leave half-day. That might be better.

I'm also feeling a little unloved as well. It seems that whenever my friends want to do stuff even if I'm not terribly keen about it, I go. I want to spend time with them. But when it's something I want to do, they're never interested and they don't think (oh I give it a try). I obviously need to find more people to hang out with who'll actually want to do stuff I want to do sometimes.
Like I wanted to go paint some pottery, they have a studio here where you paint what you want on a piece and then they fire/glaze it for you. I've gone on my own before but it's more fun if I have company. One friend said she can't paint - but it doesn't matter if you can or not and then said it was the money - which would have been a legitimate excuse if same friend hadn't gone to do something else with other couples that cost the same. Another said she would like to make actual pottery but wasn't interested in just painting some made by someone else. So I have to respect their feelings. Everyone is entitled to not do something they don't want to do. Right?

It's just that even on short notice if they ask me to go somewhere or do something, I'm in. Maybe I'm just a loser. I don't really believe that though.

Then there are the couples who are cool and all but they can't do stuff separately ever. So if the boyfriend wouldn't be interested then it's not something they can do. I don't expect them to want to do stuff with me instead of their boyfriends all the time. That would be crazy. Just occasionally, it'd be nice.

Maybe I'm expecting too much. But that's what I get for being single - the dregs. I know I'm being a bit overdramatic but I'm sick and I do drama really well. So indulge me ok.

Currently reading hilarious book called "undead and unemployed" by mary janice davidson. I also read the first one in this series called"undead and unwed" Really funny. A good bit of swearing but so inventive and at just the right times. Can't wait for the next installment "undead and unappreciated". I love the public library. The books are about the adventures of this woman who dies then discovers she's a vampire and not just any vampire but queen of the vamps. Quick must-reads that I recommend.

Just had a huge bowl of ice cream with dark choc chips(60% cocoa added by moi) and I feel a little sick now. But it tasted fantastic. Haven't had dinner yet, can't count the ice cream :) Off to find something semi-nutritious to eat and finish my book. Nite.

Sometimes I freak myself out

A lot of times when I ask for things specifically, they come to me. Sometimes it takes a week or more but it's freaky because they are things or wishes I don't actively seek out. Sometimes I just say it out loud.

I usually only tell my family about it when it happens. I say something to the universe at large and she often answers. My Mum is very spiritual and she's a big believer in asking the universe for the things you want/need, and if the time is right or the wish is right, it'll come. And you have to give thanks when it does.

Anyway, last night I wrote on my other blog about some Alias tapes I lent out. I was thinking of emailing and asking about them today. Didn't really plan to actually send the email until later this week though.

At work this morning, I was checking my email and guess what I see? an email from the guy with the tapes. When I saw his name in the sender, I was a little freaked out.

In the email, he asked where my lab was so he could bring them for me (he works in a different building). He actually brought them for me today. How freaky is that? I mean cause he's had them since May I think. I can't even remember exactly, it's been so long. And he brings them to me today.

I figure that either he saw my blog last night and figured out it was me and brought them b/c of that or the universe delivered...again. He and I chatted for a bit when he dropped them off but he didn't mention my blog but maybe he wouldn't. If it was me, I wouldn't.

In any event, now I can rewatch season 4 before the 5th one starts at the end of Sep. So thanks universe :)

The quarterback (small mention of the sidekick)

Still no word from Can't-use-the-phone-after-the-first-date-even-though-it's-been-more-than-a-week. But i'm not bitter. I guess I was sort of expecting this. Forgive me for all the hyphens, there's more to come.

It's the story of my life. Even after having more than one date, guys just don't get me. Or maybe they do. Kind of a scary thought. They seem really keen and then nothing. As if I were a cool tv show that suddenly jumped the shark and so wasn't worth watching anymore. Does that make any sense? I probably shouldn't write him off yet. He could be busy. I wish I hadn't told anyone I know about him b/c now I feel kind of foolish.

I wasn't planning to write about him. But maybe some background is necessary. I met him at this alumni thing back in June. Let's call him 'the quarterback' or QB. He seemed very interested in me right off the bat. He just seemed so perfect. I couldn't figure out why he was talking to me almost exclusively. I'm not usually so insecure. I'm usually the life of the party. I'm very outgoing and can strike up conversations with stangers very easily. People are usually drawn to me, don't know why that is exactly...having a long conversation with someone I've just met is not at all unsual for me. But him, I must confess that he made me a bit nervous.

Easy on the eyes and built well. I'm a sucker for a well-built man. Nice height ratio to me. Not too tall or too short. Smart and witty as well.

He invited me to go for drinks afterwards (a very clever way of asking for my number I might add) and I went. Had a great time. There were about 10 of us from the alumni thingy at the bar and a few of his friends were a little rowdy but very entertaining. It was like being in college again.

I only had 1 drink that night b/c I was driving and I'm very strict with myself when I am. Plus I didn't want to be too uninhibited (I tend to be a very happy, chatty drunk).
I gave him and 2 of his friends a ride home that night. They all live together about 10min away from me coincidentally and I only live about 10min away from the bar. After his friends got out, that's when he said he was interested. But at the time, I was sort of interested but not-quite-dating this other guy(who turned out to be a complete asshole and I'll refer to him only as 'the sidekick, but that's another blog). I kind of mentioned this other guy. Anyway, QB told me he was going on holiday for a couple weeks. He also said he'd like to take me out when he got back and promised to call. He said I could always refuse to go out if I didn't want to if I was actually seeing this other guy.

He must have meant an American "couple" of weeks. I say this because in college guys I know would often say they'd only had a couple beers after having 6 or 7.

2 Weeks go by: no call.

3rd week: I find out that the sidekick is a total ass and certainly not worth any of the time I spent thinking about him or with him. In an angry haze, I erased the sidekick from my phone and mind. I also erase the QB's number within a minute of that.

4th week: the QB finally calls, at first I didn't know if it was him (no name on the handy-dandy caller ID). He seemed a little miffed that I didn't recognise his voice. I was fairly sure it was him but I don't like guessing who's on the phone. So I asked -who is this? I always identify myself when I call, even to my close friends and family.

So he asked me out vaguely. I say vaguely b/c he said he'd call sometime later in the week to make plans for us to go out.

So 2 weeks go buy and no word from the QB. So now I'm a little miffed myself but decide to just let it go. Maybe he just wasn't as interested as he said. Fine, I could deal with that.

2 more weeks go by and I get this message on my phone from the QB. A very funny message. One which I saved but have not played for my girlfriends (great self-control on my part :)
The message was great, good enough that I thought I'd just forget that he waited so long to call. In the message, he said that he was distressed that I hadn't called him (forget the fact that he was supposed to call me and I don't chase guys...well...anymore :) So I returned his call and left him a message and he actually called back within the hour. Promised to call in 2 days and did. Made plans for a date. We went out. Had a great time, I thought.

So that's where I'm at. I hate feelling like a fool. That's how I feel. And I hate it.

Note to self: I am lactose intolerant

I had the most awful stomach ache and naseous feelings Fri night by the time I was ready for bed. That night I kept thinking - why did I order Shepherd's Pie from a place that specializes in bar food? It tasted pretty good though. I was thinking they must not have cooked the beef in it properly b/c the only other stuff in it was mashed potatoes and green peas. I didn't have real food poison symptoms (I've had them before and that was 2 full days of horror). It was only today after talking to my sis that I realized what it was. The milk and cheese in the potatoes. Me. Lactose intolerant. I didn't even think of taking my Lactaid pills. I should have done. And by the time I got ready for bed, not even the 6 Tums I took helped.

Skipped the whole maize hunt thing. Just wasn't in the mood. Partly because of the upset stomach and also partly b/c I would have been going with 2 couples. Just wasn't in the mood to be the fifth wheel...again. Kind of a sore point with me recently. It's like people think that you're abnormal if you're single. Quite frankly, I'd rather be single and reasonably happy most of the time than in a couple and miserable most of the time. Like some I know. Plus, I'm picky.

Went to a late movie last night with a couple singletons like myself. We saw "The Constant Gardener". I hadn't read much about it other than the actors in it and knew it was going to be a serious sort of film. I won't spoil it for anyone who plans to see it but haven't yet. It was kind of serious to see late at night though. It took me a while to wind down when I got in.

Choir started today-did I mention that before? I'm in the choir at church - which means getting up earlier on Sun (have to be there by 9:30am) but I enjoy it a lot. I'm an alto and although don't have the kind of voice for solos, I can carry a tune and I can still read music (piano lessons as a kid) so that helps. We have a great bunch of people in the choir and a great choir director who somehow manages to get us to sound great by the time we have to sing for the congregation at mass. We have summers off which is a nice break. About half the pieces we do are in Latin which is kind of cool to sing once we get the pronounciation down.

My vacuum conked out on me today and I was actually in the mood to vacuum (a rarity for me) so I was kind of bummed. So I bought one online today. Should probably have thought about it more, it was kind of spur-of-the-moment but hopefully it'll be great and I'll love it and be inspired to vacuum more often :)

Off to re-watch 'About a Boy'. I love that movie, it has some hilarious lines throughout and it ends really well.

Nothing Important Happened Today

I did call last night. Got answering service. Left a short message. No call back yet. Trying not to make too much of it. Trying not to create scenarios for why he hasn't called yet. Trying to distract myself. Re-watching Alias.

Actually got to work at 8am today. Before my boss. Oh the satisfaction of being at my bench working when he walks in - can't expain it :-)

One would think that I'd want to repeat that feeling more often. Doesn't take that much. Just getting there by 8 or just before. But I can't seem to do it unless there's a pressing reason.

I was only early today(for me anyway) b/c we had dept meeting at 8:30 and I had stuff to do before our group meeting at 10. Today was long in spite of my meetings. Meetings usually make the day shorter but I worked 9 1/2h today. Then did a little shopping at the 'evil empire' (as my friend refers to Walmart). SO I'm more tired than usual and its barely 10pm

Not much else to say tonight. Going to play text twist then early night for me.

Stuck in my head earlier today at work: If the World Crashes Down...Enrique Iglesias. No words today just hummed :) I don't think my boss recognized it...ha ha

Stuck in my head

Several songs were stuck in my head today and once that happens, the only way to get it out of my head is to start singing out loud...

...my job - 9am

Me (singing softly to myself): ...why does the sun go on shining, why is the sky sooo blue, don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when I...

My boss: wah wah... end of the world (this is what I heard)

Me: Sorry, what did you say?

My boss: are you singing "the end of the world"?

Me: umm, no, maybe, oh yeah right, "the end of the world", that's what it's called. (Clears throat) Yeah, it was in my head.

Yeah so not only does my boss hear me singing, but I'm singing the wrong words, and didn't even know the name of it. It's not that big of a deal though. A few of the other guys in our section sing out loud all the time. But I usually keep my tunes to myself. So it was a little embarrassing for me. But it sure went out of my head super fast after that. My boss looked at me a little funny like he wanted to ask if I was doing ok. However, he has looked at me like that before :) so I guess it doesn't really matter.

What's weird about that song being stuck in my head is that I don't have it on CD or anything. On the way to work today, I was listening to the Carpenters "Only yesterday when I was sad and I was lonely..." which is very upbeat for a Carpenter song. I don't know where "the end of the world" came from. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I woke up late (at 7:30) as I didn't turn my alarm on last night. I still left my apt at 8am which is more than enough time to get there by 8:15ish depending on traffic. Usually it is. And if I'd remembered where I parked my car, that would have been nice. As it was I just pulled into the lot at 8:35.

For some reason that escapes me, I forget where my car is parked and often walk in the opposite direction of where it is, look around, then realize my mistake. Maybe its b/c we don't have assigned spots, and my neighbors always get in before me so I don't get to park in the same place consistently. Either that or I'm suffereing from pre-senile dementia. At 30. Unlikely, I hope.

So if ever a song is stuck in your head, just sing it loud enough for your boss to hear, that's sure to help you get it out of your head.

Should I call?

So he hasn't called. Its been 5 days. I think I'll call today, casually ask how his weekend was, etc. I think enough time has passed but I don't want to leave it too long.

I am definitely interested. Not sure where this is going but he's so cool and I want to get to know him better.

One note - he's younger by more years than I want to think about (He's 24). When he told me, I was like, ohhh. I think I made a face as well. He asked if it was a problem. I quickly denied that it was. But it is, a bit.

It's funny because I think that all the guys I've dated from my 20s to now have been younger. When I was 23, I decided - no more 19-yr-old guys. Have to draw the line somewhere right. If they're not old enough to buy their own = too young. Actually, in the Caribbean, there's no drinking age or at least if there is one on the books, it's not enforced. I never got carded at home so that really didn't apply there.

I think this whole dating-younger-guys thing has happened partly because I've always looked very young for my age. At 20, I could pass for 16 easily. This was very annoying. At 30, I still get carded in most places; which is great now. So maybe that's why younger guys are attacted to me. The age gap hasn't been this much before, usu its 2-3 yrs. Well...with guys I've actually dated. Crushes don't count right? :)

I'm trying not to be bothered by the age thing too much. My Mum says that men die younger anyway so it's a good thing if they are younger than you. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it works out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a horrible person

I was reading this blog where they talked about goggling an ex just to see what they were up to, so I thought, why not?

So I goggled Lit (ok I admit, that wasn't the first time, I've goggled him before) and guess what I found out. He and his dad have the same name. I didn't know that. His father died back in May this year. I didn't know that either. Guess I didn't know him as well as I thought. It was sudden from the newspaper article's account. I met his Dad once and he seemed like a great person. His parents were happily married for 34 years. That's a long time.

I felt so sad for him. I wanted to call him. But then I thought, that would make me feel better but probably wouldn't do anything for him. If he wanted to talk to me about it, he would have told me. He didn't. So I don't think I should call him. I'm over him mostly but I still care about him and wish him well. I'm guess I'm just really sorry for him and his family. And I wish I could offer my condolences.

If I did call, how do I explain the way I found out...
...hi, so sorry to hear about your Dad...how did I find out?...oh I was just goggling you and...
Yeah not something I want to explain. Am I horrible or what?

Katrina

I've tried to avoid writing about it. But it is on my mind and one of the reasons that I started this blog was to get my thoughts out. To express myself. So here goes...

It is so awful. The devastation in Louisiana. I try not to dwell on it too much. I try not to watch too many of the images that play over and over on the tv. Still, I think about all the people for whom this stuff isn't news but is their reality. They can't just distract themselves with tv, books, or games like I've been trying to do. Their main concern right now is survival in horrible conditions I can only imagine and hope never to be in.

I have to distract myself, because when I dwell on it, I just feel like crying. But that won't help them. So I'm going to donate to the red cross through my job b/c they have set it up to match whatever we donate by 100%. I can't afford to give much but at least this way it'll be double.

I've read other people thoughts on their blogs. Some have said things I don't understand, for example - why didn't those people just leave?
Here's my take - they couldn't afford to leave / no cars / not enough money to move themselves and their families to a hotel for an unlimited amount of time /no family to go to elsewhere.

I'm ashamed because so many of my problems seem trivial compared to what so many have to face now - those that survive. I'm also ashamed of the powers that be that did not make preparations so that most of the people(without the means to do so) could evacuate before the hurricane hit. I'm also ashamed that they didn't make the repairs to the levees while they had the chance to do so.

Here's a link that helped me a little (don't click if you don't enjoy sarcasm). Basically, what I got from it was that I should stop thinking about how I feel and take action. Donate, spread the word. So that's what I've done.

No longer blogging in silence

I told my sis about my blog tonight. It was good, I'd planned to tell her all along. She asked for the site address and I said that I wasn't sure if I wanted her to read it yet. So she said not to tell her. But she'd look for it on her own.

I've now told almost everyone I plan to tell about my blog. Quite liberating in a way. Scary too. But it felt weird when I hadn't told anyone, like I was lying to those closest to me. In a way, for me, it was. I guess because I'm such a vocal person. I tend to express most of what goes on in my life to my family and friends; whether it be silly or mundane or just plain funny.

Now I have to get bowling shoes

I went bowling tonight (3rd time). It was great. And it's official, I like bowling.

The first time I bowled, my highest score was 13. Complete fluke right? I was so psyched though, I went to look at bowling shoes, but talked myself out of getting them.

Yeah and the 2nd time, my highest score was 48. I was like ok, I guess the first time was a fluke after all.

But tonight I improved with every game and you can't ask for more than that right. I got a few strikes and got 100 as my highest score.

So... now I have to get bowling shoes. I figure that I'll wait for the Labor Day sales to kick in - 2 more days :)